Page 9 of Defensive Zone (Chicago Thunder #3)

Chapter Eight

January

Carter

“I’ll let you know if I need you for anything,” Hayden, my agent, says. “Enjoy your time off in Chicago. Oh, and Carter?”

“Yeah?”

“Keep your chin up, all right? I know it feels like shit right now, but this season wasn’t a reflection of your talent. I wouldn’t stress too much because even if they do let you go early—not that I think they will—there’s teams waiting to snap you up.”

Even though I’m not able to see his expression, I can tell by the sound of his voice he’s got a reassuring smile on his face.

When the NFL season ended for us, I mentioned to Hayden how I wouldn’t be surprised if Denver traded me. I have one year left on my contract and no no-trade clauses. It’s a business at the end of the day, and I didn’t perform to the standard that was expected of me. But Hayden, being the great guy he is, has managed to reassure me that even if it does happen, it won’t be the end of the world.

“Thanks, I’ll do my best.”

And I mean it. Hayden Cassidy has been my agent for four years now, and I trust the man explicitly. If he tells me not to stress, then I’ll do my best not to stress. I like him because he doesn’t bullshit me, compared to my last agent, who screwed me over a few times. Being a retired athlete himself makes him more relatable.

Plus, he works with Zach and a few of the Thunder guys, which helped seal the deal for me.

“You know where I am if you need me.”

We hang up, and I collect my bags from baggage claim and make my way out into arrivals. The sky matches my gray and gloomy mood as I step out of O’Hare and head to the waiting rideshare I requested.

I stayed in Denver for the mandatory debrief meetings and farewell dinners for guys who aren’t staying next season, but after two days, my house began to feel like it was closing in on me, and I hopped on the first flight out this morning.

I haven’t told Zach I’d be flying in today, and for the entire flight, I thought I was going to be sick. I don’t know why I feel so fucking nervous. I’ve never once felt nervous around Zach. We’ve always had this easy, open, and honest relationship, creating this safe space to be vulnerable about our fears and feelings. But as I glance down at my phone and see my texts are still unanswered, I’m wondering if that safe space has been broken.

Something has changed between us. Our bond has been fractured, and we’re standing on separate islands. I can see him, and I can hear him, but I can’t reach him. He’s drifting away from me, and I don’t know what to do to close the gap.

And I really hope he isn’t going to be mad that I’m just turning up unannounced.

My knee bounces as we head toward downtown. My gut twists and turns with anxiety as my mind runs at a hundred miles an hour. Could he have met someone and the reason he’s been distant is because he’s been preoccupied? I mean, maybe? But we’ve always been so open with one another. He wouldn’t hide something like that from me. A wave of jealousy burns my insides, and I bite down on the inside of my cheek until I can taste copper, and I pick at the skin around my nails.

Get yourself together, man.

No, he wouldn’t keep secrets from me.

“I’m sorry about your season,” the driver says, eyeing me in his rearview mirror.

“ Oh, uh, thanks.”

“I hate to say this, as I’m a Chicago fan and all, but you deserve better. I hope you can find a team who gives you that. We would be lucky to have you on our defensive line.”

I want to argue that I don’t deserve better. That I was the reason for our piss-poor excuse of a season, but I don’t. This pity party of one needs to take its departure because it’s done now and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

“Thank you. I appreciate it,” I manage to force out.

Luckily, he drops it, switching the subject to how snow is expected any minute now. I’m grateful for the brief reprieve for my anxious brain, but it returns like a freight train when he pulls up outside Zach’s apartment building.

“All the best next season.” He smiles as he takes my luggage from the trunk.

“Thanks, man. Have a great day.”

I make a mental note to give him a generous tip once I get inside and make a beeline for the doors just as snow begins to fall. Zach has a game tonight, so hopefully it doesn’t get too heavy.

“Mr. Lockwood, I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

My head snaps up to see the doorman, Steve, stepping around the front desk and taking my luggage from me. “Is this a surprise visit for Mr. Reid?”

I clear my throat and offer a shaky smile. “Uh, yeah, it is.”

“Great. Let me get the elevator for you.” He heads to the elevator bank to press the button. Knowing Zach hasn’t removed me from his approved list settles something inside me.

That must mean something, right?

I thank Steve as the elevator doors open, and once I’m inside, I press the button for the sixty-ninth floor. The doors close, and I close my eyes, taking a deep inhale through my nose.

Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe it’s just been a wave of shit luck and I’m being overly sensitive because my football season has been so fucked up.

When I reach his apartment door, I raise my hand and rap my knuckles against the wood. Minutes go by with no sign of Zach, so I knock again and try not to let my nerves take over again. This time, I hear the sound of footsteps on the other side of the door before it opens. Zach stands there shirtless, in just a pair of sleep pants and pillow creases on the side of his face.

Fuck, I’ve probably interrupted his pregame nap.

“Shit, I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”

He shakes his head and yawns, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm. “It’s fine, I needed to wake up anyway. What… What are you doing here?”

I furrow my brows. “Uh, it’s my off-season, Zach. Where else did you think I would be?”

Alarm bells start blaring in my mind as he shrugs his huge shoulders and steps aside without a word. What the hell is going on right now?

Tugging my luggage behind me, I head into his apartment, kicking off my shoes and leaving my bags by the door. He disappears for a minute, then reappears, pulling a T-shirt on. Him being shirtless around me has never been a problem, and the simple act of him putting a shirt on now has my palms sweating with anxiety.

“Want a drink?” he asks, opening the fridge.

I open my mouth, brows furrowed in confusion. Since when does he ask me that? His apartment is like my second home. We don’t bother with pleasantries because what’s mine is his and vice versa. We make ourselves at home.

My heart rate kicks up a notch. I need to tell him how I feel, how it feels like we’re drifting apart. The longer I leave it, the longer it’s going to play on my mind, and I can’t carry on like this.

“Zach, what’s going on right now?”

His eyes widen slightly, clearly not expecting me to ask that. “What do you mean?”

“You leaving early during the summer. The bailing out of our video calls. The inconsistent texts, the constant excuses whenever I want to speak to you. Tell me if I’m taking this the wrong way, but it feels a hell of a lot like you’re avoiding me, and I don’t know what the fuck I’ve done wrong.”

I’m now trembling with nerves and anger. The back of my eyes burns with tears as I watch his face morph through various emotions.

Guilt.

Regret.

Sadness.

He lets out a long, heavy sigh and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re not taking it the wrong way. I haven’t handled this very well at all. I thought it was for the best, but it’s clearly hurting both of us.”

“What was for the best? What could possibly be the reason why you felt like the best course of action was to distance yourself from me?” My voice gets higher the more panicked I become. “Because from where I’m standing, I’ve spent the last six months wondering what the fuck I did to make my best friend not want to speak to me. We had a pact, Zach. Always speak to each other, always make time for each other, and you threw that away without any?—”

“It’s because I’m fucking in love with you!” he shouts, cutting me off.

I can’t do anything except stand there, completely startled. I’ve never heard Zach raise his voice in all the time I’ve known him. We’ve never fought. Even when career pressure is bad or we disagree on something, we’ve never argued.

Zach is the calmness in the eye of the storm that is me.

He rubs his face with his hand and lets out a defeated sigh.

My brows furrow in confusion. “Yeah, so? I love you too.”

His expression turns pained, and that’s when it clicks.

He’s in love with me. As in in love with me. Not the friend kind of love or bro love.

Love love.

“I… uh…”

I don’t know what to say. I’m at a complete loss for words. It’s been me and him for so long—more than twenty years of being each other’s constant. But now that I think about it—how did I not see it?

Now that it’s staring me in the face, it’s clear as day. Memories flick through my mind like a reel. The way he would always retreat whenever I started dating. The lost look in his eyes whenever I spoke about them. The way he left Denver just days after I told him that I thought Raegan might be the one.

I’m such a fucking idiot.

“Zach…” I trail off, an apology on the tip of my tongue, but he holds up his hand to stop me.

“I don’t need an apology because you have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t know because I didn’t see the point in telling you. It was something I needed to deal with on my own.”

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Blood pulses in my ears as my heart races even more, beating like a wild bird caged in my chest.

Fuck, Carter, say something.

“Are we going to be okay?” I hate the panic in my voice. It’s taking all of my strength not to cry right now. Not to throw myself at his feet and apologize for all the pain I’ve inadvertently put him through.

And I’m unprepared for the way my heart cracks when he shrugs.

“Maybe? Probably? I just need time, Carter. It sounds crazy because I’ve never had you, but I have to mourn you. Let go of my feelings for you and move on, so I can be the friend you deserve.”

“You are the friend I deserve!” I bellow, raising my arms.

He shakes his head. “Friends are not secretly in love with their friends for nearly twenty years. I’ve loved you since I was ten years old, Carter. I thought I could stomp it down. Ignore it so we could carry on, but I can’t.” His eyes become glassy with unshed tears. “I can’t do it, Carter. I still need time, so I think it’s best if you go.”

There’s a lump the size of a football lodged thick in my throat. I’m unable to breathe. The pain in my chest tears right through me.

I shake my head in denial, and he lets out a frustrated sound.

“Carter, please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

“What if I don’t want to go? You’re my best friend, Zach. We’ve spent all of our free time together for so long.”

Despite the anger burning in my veins, it’s not him I’m mad at.

He’s the most important person in my life. I can’t lose him.

“That’s the thing, Carter. Every time we’re together, my attention is solely focused on you. I couldn’t wait to spend time with you, but over the years, that time wasn’t just ours anymore. I had to share you with whichever woman you were dating, and I had to watch as you fell in love with them and then watch when they would break your heart. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to feel jealous. And all those women were nice people; they didn’t deserve the feelings I held toward them.” His voice cracks like glass shattering against a wall, and my heart splinters along with it. “If we’re gonna be able to go back to how we used to be, I need time. Alone. ”

Fuck. Fuck.

How can I deny him that? How can I possibly fight him on this when I’ve been unconsciously causing him pain over and over again?

I’ll do it, because I would do anything for Zach. He’s my person. My favorite person. He always has been. Always will be.

But why does it feel like this is the end? That we’re almost saying goodbye?

I clear my throat and give a shaky nod. “Okay. I’ll… I’ll leave in the morning. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I should have told you how I felt before it got to this point, but I thought I could get over you.”

I don’t know why hearing those words feels like I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. But I’ll take it—repeatedly—as long as it means I won’t lose him.