Page 14 of Defensive Zone (Chicago Thunder #3)

Chapter Thirteen

Zach

We’re both silent as Carter shuts off the water and we step out of the shower. He wraps a towel around his waist before wrapping one around me and guiding me over to the closed toilet seat.

“Sit,” he insists, his voice barely above a whisper.

Taking a seat, I chew on my bottom lip, watching as he quietly moves around the dimly lit room. The only light is the soft glow from behind the mirror, and the thoughtfulness squeezes at my chest. I’ve been struggling with lights recently, ever since I ended up in the hospital, and now with the migraines as a result of the concussion. The fact Carter is conscious of it and making sure I’m comfortable makes me want to grab his face and kiss him again.

Because holy shit, that was one heck of a kiss.

I know my head has been all over the place recently, but I really hope I didn’t just imagine that. I’ve imagined what it would be like to kiss Carter so many times. I’ve often wondered whether his lips were as pillowy soft as they looked and whether he tasted like the Tropical Twist gum he’s always chewing on. But all the fantasies I had pale in comparison.

That kiss was everything and more.

And as much as I want to do it again right now, there’s a lot we need to talk about first. Like where the fuck this has suddenly come from.

Carter hums as he rubs a towel over my hair, then over my shoulders, arms, and chest. He tosses it into the laundry hamper before removing the cast protector and taking my hairbrush from the countertop.

“I can do that.” I reach out with my good hand, but he slaps it away and scowls playfully.

“No. Let me take care of you, damnit.”

I chuckle under my breath and run my gaze over his face. There’s a slight flush over his cheekbones from the shower, and his lips are pink and swollen. Long, dark lashes frame his eyes, and his brows furrow in concentration as he carefully works the brush through my hair. Maybe it’s crazy considering we had our tongues in each other’s mouths only a few minutes ago, but I’ve never felt closer to him than in this moment.

It takes someone special to step up and be a caretaker. Showing their love through actions instead of words. He’s done it so effortlessly.

He uses my electric razor to shave my beard, then helps me get dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie before we head into the living room. I lie down on the couch as he lights an unscented candle in the middle of the coffee table and makes quick work of closing the drapes, basking the apartment into complete darkness except for the lone flame flickering away.

Resting my casted arm on a cushion, Carter curls into my left side, his head on my shoulder. I wrap my arm around him, softly stroking my fingers over his ribs.

“This is nice,” he murmurs.

“Mm,” I hum.

Today is the first day I’ve felt relatively normal. The throb of pain in my skull has eased to a light discomfort, and I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up the second I open my eyes. Although I’ve slept for what feels like an eternity, I still find myself beginning to drift off because I’m so relaxed, but I blink my eyes open when his quietly spoken words stir me awake.

“You’ve probably got a lot of questions for me…”

“Yeah, I do.” I clear my throat and try to find the right words to explain the whirlwind that’s going on in my brain or where to even begin. “Why… When…”

He shifts to lean up on his elbow and a few dark curls fall onto his forehead as he looks down at me.

“I arrived in Chicago the same day you got hurt. I had been sensing there was this distance between us and couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong or what had caused it. I thought I was losing you, and we ended up in a bit of an… argument, I guess?” He fiddles with the string of my hoodie, avoiding my eyes. I hate seeing his confidence slip, but it’s a conversation we need to have. When he speaks again, his voice cracks. “You yelled at me. You told me you were in love with me, and then you told me to leave because you needed time to get over me and wanted to be alone. I didn’t know what to do. It was like my world shifted on its axis.”

Fuck. I don’t remember any of this.

The doctor said I may never be able to remember anything that happened just before or after the hit, and clearly this is one of those things. I can’t believe I yelled at him. I’m usually such a calm guy. I never let anything faze me; even on the ice when other players try to rile me up, I always keep my cool.

Well, always except the time I ran away from Denver with my heart in my hands, but that doesn’t count.

“I yelled at you?” I frown. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

When his eyes lock with mine again, there’s pain in my favorite pair of brown eyes. Not the same kind of pain I caused when I told him I was coming back to Chicago early, but still, pain my actions caused when I thought I was doing what was best for both of us.

He shakes his head at my apology. “Yeah, but I deserved it. I didn’t know how I’d made you feel all this time, and I wasn’t quite sure how to handle all the emotions I was feeling. There have been a few things about myself and my feelings that haven’t really made sense to me since that night I met Raegan when we were in Hawaii. Some of those feelings didn’t add up until now.”

Oh, wow. I don’t know what I was expecting him to say, but it sure wasn’t that.

All those times he reached out, wanting to talk to me, and I avoided him, made excuses not to speak to him—was he trying to tell me something? Has he been trying to work through these feelings on his own because I wasn’t there for him?

Something twists in my chest. A deep-rooted ache at the thought of a confused, lonely Carter wanting nothing more than to speak to me—the person who was supposed to be his best friend—and all I did was keep pushing him away instead.

Fuck, I’m such an asshole.

Swallowing hard, I’m almost scared to ask, “And what feelings are those?”

“That I’ve been looking for love in the wrong place. That it’s been right in front of me all this time.”

My breath hitches.

Is this really happening?

This is everything I’ve wanted for so long. For almost two decades, all I’ve ever wanted was for Carter to feel the same way about me. To love me as more than a friend.

So why do I have this heavy weight of uncertainty in the pit of my stomach? I don’t know if I could survive having a taste of Carter just to have him decide it isn’t for him.

That I’m not for him.

It would completely destroy me.

“I know it all seems very sudden, but I’ve had a lot of time to think about things.” His words come out in a nervous ramble as he twirls the hoodie string around his finger, dark brows furrowing in concern. “And I understand if you need time. I want you to know that I’m here, and I would like to see where this goes with no barriers between us, if that’s what you would like too. I’m not going anywhere.”

He’s right about it being very sudden, but he’s also right that he’s had a lot of time to think about it. He’s had over a week to think and reflect on the conversation I can’t remember having while I’ve been in the hospital and knocked out in bed with a migraine.

Don’t get me wrong, I trust Carter with my life, but there’s still this level of… apprehension. The walls I’ve carefully constructed around my heart over the years remain in place, and I don’t want to lower them too soon. Not until I know he’s all in and that he won’t freak out.

Not until I know this won’t completely ruin us, because I can’t risk losing him if it goes wrong.

But it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. It just means I need to remember to make sure I go slow and ease him into this gently.

I reach up and run my hand over the back of his head, combing my fingers through the soft curls before gripping the back of his neck. I tug his head down and nip his bottom lip.

“Good, because I don’t want you going anywhere.”

Surprise flicks over his face as he lights up with a wide, toothy grin. “Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Mhm,” he murmurs and brushes his mouth against mine. “So, where were we?”

This time, when our lips meet, it’s not soft and languid like it was in the shower. Our tongues meet with a little more urgency. His tongue explores my mouth with eager, hungry strokes.

I don’t know why I expected Carter to be more hesitant, because whenever he’s set his mind to something before, he’s fully committed.

He moans into my mouth, fingers clutching the wet strands of my hair as he grinds his hips against my thigh, and holy fuck, he’s hard.

I made my best friend hard .

Am I having some kind of fever dream? Am I actually awake, or is this a crazy illusion my migraine has curated, deciding to torture me in a different way?

My cock thickens in my sweats as his teeth graze over my bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth and releasing it with a wet pop.

“Will you… Will you tell me about it?”

“About what?” I rasp, blinking him into focus.

“Having to hide it all this time. You said you’ve been in love with me since we were ten, but will you tell me about it? I hate that I didn’t know…” His eyes widen in alarm, and he quickly adds, “Not that I blame you for not telling me, I totally get why you didn’t… I just… I’ve been thinking about whether we could have had this sooner if I knew… I get why you left early in the summer.”

My cock softens instantly. Fuck, this isn’t something I wanted to talk about.

I let out a heavy exhale. “You really wanna know?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“It’s gonna kill the vibe.”

He presses a quick, fleeting kiss against my lips. “I don’t care. I hate the fact I hurt you, even if it was unintentional. I just want to know what it was like for you.”

I shift underneath him, and he moves off me to sit upright. Sitting up, I lean back into the couch cushions and rub my face with my hand before letting out another sigh.

“It was New Year’s Eve, and we had made a blanket fort on the living room floor in front of the TV to watch Return of the Jedi . When midnight hit, I remember turning to look at you, and your face was lit up from the fireworks they were setting off next door.”

“I remember that night. I thought you were watching the fireworks.”

I shake my head. “No, I was watching you, and I remember thinking, Damn, Carter is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen . ”

His eyes shimmer with wonderment. “You did?”

“Yeah. I felt this weird pull in my chest at the thought, and I didn’t realize what it was until I was older.” I brush my thumb over his cheek, before tracing the shape of his lips. “It was love, and it never went away.”

He lets out a shaky breath. He has to clear his throat a few times before he speaks again. “Fuck, Zach. I don’t know how you managed all this time.”

“I won’t lie to you, it was hard. I was so afraid of losing you, and I thought you were straight, so I didn’t see the point in telling you, and as for leaving early, yeah. You and Raegan seemed to be getting on really well, and that day I just… snapped. I knew if I carried on the way I was, I was going to end up resenting her, and she didn’t deserve that.”

“I’m really sorry I put you through that.”

I shake my head. “No, don’t do that. Don’t apologize for something you knew nothing about. I’m the one who’s sorry for keeping it from you. Let’s just make a new pact not to hide anything from each other going forward. If you’re serious about this with me, then we need to tell each other everything. I know I need to be more open with how I’m feeling, and if you don’t want to do something, you’re unsure about it, or you’re not ready, tell me.”

“I will.” He kisses the corner of my mouth. “Now, shut up and kiss me, Reid.”

I’m currently on my second day without a headache, and I’m taking that as a major win. I’m still following doctors’ orders and avoiding screens, but it means I’m bored out of my mind. I’m not allowed back in the gym yet, and I can’t play video games or watch TV. I can’t lose hours mindlessly scrolling social media. The most exciting thing to happen was the afternoon Carter found a thousand-piece Star Wars jigsaw puzzle in Target. It kept me busy for most of the day, as having my dominant hand in a cast made things entertaining.

Who said professional hockey players are all about the high life? Give me a puzzle, and I’m a happy soul.

And as much as I love kissing Carter, there’s only so much kissing we can do to fill the hours before our mouths are raw.

I miss the guys, too.

Every time they have come over, I’ve been asleep, and now they’re on the road. Carter said they visited me in the hospital, but I don’t remember. I need to see Elliot and tell him that I’m okay, let him see me with his own eyes. It kills me knowing how upset he was. Other than Carter, he’s one of my best friends. His friendship means a lot to me, and I know he’ll be worried.

Luckily, the team’s trainer, Joe, has lined up my first appointment for when they get back, so I have a few more days until I return to the rink. I won’t be allowed on the ice, but being back around my teammates will help me feel a sense of normality.

Because although I’m an introvert at the best of times and love my own space—my home space—it’s beginning to feel like the walls are closing in.

“Come on,” Carter says as he enters the living room with my boots in hand. “It’s finally dry outside, so we’re getting out of this apartment for a few hours.”

He drops my boots down by my feet, then disappears back into my room, only to return moments later with my winter coat, scarf, and hat.

I raise a questioning brow and chuckle as I eye the knitted accessories curiously. “Is it snowing outside or something?”

“No.” He glares. “But it’s cold, and I don’t want to risk you getting sick.”

My heart squeezes at his words. He’s taken the role of caretaker very seriously, and since our kiss in the shower, his sleepy cuddles have now been accompanied by sleepy kisses.

I’m so happy about it, I could cry.

Sliding my feet into my boots, I attempt to wrap the scarf around my neck one-handed before giving up. I toss it aside and tug on my hat. Carter rolls his eyes and gives me an adoring smile before he helps me into my coat, making sure my cast doesn’t get stuck in the sleeve. I follow him toward the door as he puts on his own coat and picks up my car keys from the bowl where I keep them on the kitchen island.

“So, where are we going?” I ask as we head out into the hall.

“It’s a surprise.” He wiggles his eyebrows, smirking.

We ride the elevator down to the parking garage, and when he takes my hand and laces our fingers together, my heart has never felt so full.

“You know I don’t like surprises,” I groan.

“Tough shit, you’re getting one. I thought it would be good for you to get a change of scenery, especially with the headaches finally giving you a break.”

He steps in front of me and curls his other hand around the side of my neck. I lean into his warm touch.

“I thought we could get some lunch, maybe look at a shop or two. Maybe stop by the bakery.”

My interest spikes up. “For donuts?”

“Yeah.” He nods, a soft smile on his face. “For donuts.”

Carter takes us to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant for lunch, and once we’re full of delicious homemade pasta and more side dishes than Coach Harris would prefer me to eat during the season, we get back in the car. I narrow my eyes as Water Tower Place comes into view.

He’s wearing a goofy grin when I turn to him.

“What are we doing here?”

“You’ll see,” he sings.

He parks the car in the underground parking garage, and once we’re in the elevator, he hits the button for the second floor. He’s shifting on his feet excitedly, which only causes my suspicions to rise.

“What are you playing at?”

“Nothing,” he says coyly.

I narrow my eyes and pull on his hand until he’s pressed up against me. Leaning in, I nuzzle my nose up the thick column of his neck, then nip his lobe with my teeth. His low moan goes straight to my cock, and I make a mental note to do that again when we’re naked.

“Tell me,” I whisper.

“No.”

The doors open, and he smacks a quick kiss on my lips before leading me toward the LEGO store.

“Carter…” I warn.

The sheer amount of love shining in his eyes hits me square in the chest.

“Look, you have some time on your hands.” He looks down at my cast and grimaces. “Okay, hand . You can’t start physio yet, and you’re still on screen downtime, so I thought you could use something else to keep your brain busy.”

I’m trying to process his words when he leads me over to the Star Wars section, then crouches down. My jaw drops as he pulls a large box from the shelf.

Licking my dry lips, my voice goes an octave higher when I ask, “You’re buying me the Millennium Falcon?”

“Damn right, I am. I thought maybe we could build it together. There’s over seven thousand five hundred pieces in here, which should keep us busy for a while.”

I blink at him, completely speechless.

“I read online that you can buy these LED light kits too,” he rambles, shifting nervously on his feet when I still haven’t said anything. “I called up the store before we left to make sure they had plenty of stock, but if there’s a different set you want instead…”

I love you is on the tip of my tongue. We might have said those three little words easily before, but he’ll know it has a whole other meaning now.

And while I’m sure Han Solo and Princess Leia would appreciate it, I don’t want the first time I tell him I love him to be over the Millennium Falcon.

“If we weren’t in the middle of the LEGO store right now, I’d kiss you.”

He drags his teeth over his bottom lip as his eyes drop to my mouth. “Yeah?”

“Hell yeah.” I round the box so I’m at his side. I squeeze his bicep, loving the feel of his solid muscle beneath my hand, and lean in to whisper in his ear. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being amazing. Knowing what I need before I do. Being here for me and not running when I told you to.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “Thank you for staying.”

“Like I said, I’m not going anywhere, Reid.” He winks. “But can we go and pay for this thing because you’re gonna make me pop a boner soon, looking all adorable in your hat.”

I flip him off, and we’re both laughing all the way to the checkout.