Page 5 of Defensive Zone (Chicago Thunder #3)

Chapter Four

July

Zach

Carter’s training camp started a week ago, and we’ve settled into our usual routine. He trains every day at the team facility, while I train at his home gym, then I prep us food before hanging out for the rest of the day. Denver has become my home away from home over the years, and usually I feel just as content here as I do in my apartment back in Chicago, but this year is different.

This time, I’m tense and uncomfortable.

Not long after we got back from Hawaii, Carter went on a date with Raegan. I had to pretend like I was excited for him. Hell, I was the one who urged him to talk to her when we were at that bar. But joke’s on me because now they’re officially dating , and every day I wake up and come downstairs to see her wearing nothing but his T-shirt and a satisfied smile, drinking her coffee out of my cup, the fracture in my heart grows bigger and bigger.

With my workout finished, I take my coffee outside and sit on one of the couches that surround a fire pit. Carter is due back any minute, and the typical excitement I would feel about his return isn’t there. It’s now replaced with a feeling of dread, and it’s not something I’ve ever felt toward him.

It’s not even about Raegan. She’s great. She’s exactly the type of woman I’d imagine him settling down with, but each time I see them caught up in a moment, it only makes the ache in my chest deepen.

And when I overheard them the other night talking about the future, something told me this might be it—Raegan might be the one who will give him the family and the two point five kids. The fact she’s put up with me being here for so long has been the big difference compared to his previous girlfriends.

Carter has always fallen hard and fast, but I think this time it might be the real deal. He even said as much last week when he looked at me with bright eyes and said the five words that tore my heart in two. “I think she’s the one.”

But while Carter might think he’s got it all, all I can hear is the timer ticking down to the end of us as we know it.

My phone vibrates against the cushion, snapping my brain from the negative space it had drifted off to. My teammate Elliot’s name flashes on the screen and instantly lifts my spirits. If there’s one person who can cheer me up, it’s Elliot. Aside from Carter, Elliot’s one of my closest friends.

I swipe my finger to answer and lift it to my face.

“Zach!” he hoots the second the call connects, and his face appears. “I’m so happy you answered. Dude, I’ve missed you. I was at the park earlier playing Pokémon Go, and I was just sitting there deciding where to grab some lunch. I couldn’t decide if I wanted a pasta salad or a sandwich, and then it just hit me that you’re not gonna be here for my birthday party tonight, and I was just like, dude , that’s not acceptable! So, what have I gotta do to make you come home already?”

His words come out in a rush, then he lets out a gasping breath before sticking his bottom lip out in a comical pout. I can’t stop the laugh that bubbles in my throat at his put-out expression. Elliot is one of a kind. He has the ability to make you laugh without even trying.

It’s been playing on my mind that it’s the twins’ birthday today. I don’t usually get to celebrate with them as it coincides with when I’m here in Denver, but this year, Blaine’s boyfriend Alex is hosting a party for them, and guilt has been churning in my gut about missing out.

Would Carter miss me if I left earlier? Maybe, but probably not as much as he would if he didn’t have Raegan.

Images rush through my mind of what they could get up to if I wasn’t here. If I wasn’t that awkward third wheel that clings to Carter like a limpet.

Ugh. The thought makes me want to scream.

“I can’t promise anything, but I’ll see what I can do,” I say to Elliot.

His face lights up at my response.

“Anyway, tell me what Pokémon you caught.”

He fills me in on the game we play together. Halfway through, he tells me about how he looked after Blaine and Alex’s dog Ernie and took him to the beach, then all the bracelets he made with our teammate, Jackson’s, daughter Isabela the other day.

His mouth slams shut mid-sentence. His head tilts to the side like a curious dog, green eyes assessing me through the camera. “You okay?”

The question startles me. Shit, did I let my mask slip? I’m usually so good at hiding my feelings. Burying them deep down.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

He furrows his brows. “You’re quieter than normal, which is ironic because you’re normally quiet, but you’re like, the quietest of quiet. Is quietest a word?”

I snort. “Yes, it’s a real word.”

“Awesome, I’m gonna use that in Scrabble.” He grins, then the frown reappears. “You know you can talk to me, right? I might reply at 3 a.m. or in my head, but I’m always here for you.”

Squeezing my eyes closed for a brief moment, I send a silent thank-you to the universe for bringing this eccentric guy into my life. He really is the greatest friend.

“I’m good, and thank you, it means a lot. Same goes to you.”

“Always! You’re my best Zach.”

“I’m your only Zach.”

“Exactly!”

I smother my laughter with my hand. Elliot distracts me a bit longer, telling me some of the things Alex has organized for the party, and when we hang up, I’m feeling lighter than I did earlier.

But the feeling doesn’t last long. The sound of laughter coming from inside catches my attention, and my stomach twists.

Reluctantly, I stand and pick up my empty cup before heading in. Raegan’s sitting on the kitchen counter, her arms wrapped around Carter’s head as he nuzzles into her neck, causing her to giggle. The throbbing ache in my chest steals my breath, and the blood pounding in my head causes my ears to ring.

“Sorry,” I mutter, quickly dashing around the island to put my mug in the sink.

Carter lifts his head and flashes me an easy smile. “Sorry, didn’t see you there.”

Clearly .

Ah, fuck. Look at me getting all snarky.

I give him a tight-lipped smile and motion to the stairs. “I’m going to take a nap.” I don’t give him time to reply, turning on my heels and practically running up the stairs.

By the time I reach the top step, the ache in my chest is palpable.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t watch him fall in love with someone else again. Someone who isn’t me. I can’t keep doing this to myself. This endless loop of torture.

I can’t.

It’s time for me to go.

Closing the door behind me, I take my suitcase from the closet and throw it onto the bed. I start tossing everything inside, not caring to fold anything or make sure it’s neat. My original flight back to Chicago isn’t for another six weeks, but I know I can’t be here any longer. I need to go now.

For the first time in nine years, I’m going to break the pact we made when we were lying on my bed on New Year’s Eve in our sophomore year. The pact where we promised to spend every summer together. But younger us were na?ve. It wasn’t feasible long-term. The childhood dream we had of being together until we were old and gray, living in houses next to each other, was just that.

A dream.

I’m grateful I’ve had this time with him, but now it’s time to move on. For good.

Once everything is packed, I sit on the edge of the bed and look up the next flights out to O’Hare. There’s one leaving in two hours. I know Carter isn’t going to let me go without a fight, but Elliot’s words filter back to me, reminding me that I have the perfect excuse. I’ll land in time to make it to the party at Blaine’s apartment. I book it before I can second-guess and talk myself out of it.

I need to do this. I need to be selfish and put myself first. If not for my heart, then for us. I don’t want to cut him from my life, but I don’t know if having my heart continuously broken will get to the point where I become resentful. Make me start acting out of character.

I check my room and en suite again, making sure I’ve packed everything, then order a rideshare to the airport. I know I’ll have to sit around, but I can’t stay in this house any longer.

Heading downstairs, suitcase in hand, I rehearse what I’m going to tell him in my mind. I’m going back to Chicago for the twins’ birthday. I need to act as normal as possible to avoid any suspicions. But the moment I reach the bottom of the stairs and see the confusion flooding Carter’s expression, the words disappear from my brain. He jumps up from the couch where he’s sitting with Raegan like his ass is on fire and walks over to where I’ve stopped by the door. His gaze jumps from me to my suitcase, those dark brows furrowing deeper and deeper as each second passes.

“Zach…” There’s a note of caution in his tone. “What’s going on? What happened?”

“Nothing’s happened. I decided to head back to Chicago.”

“But… why? Your flight isn’t for another six weeks.”

My eyes lock with Raegan’s over his shoulder. Her bottom lip is tugged between her teeth, and there’s pity in her eyes.

She knows. How could she not?

She’s caught me on several occasions watching Carter. When I allowed my shield to drop and the love I have for him was so prominent, I couldn’t hide it.

When I bring my attention back to Carter, I’m not prepared for the heartbreak I see. His brown eyes glisten with unshed tears. Fuck. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to walk away.

I think she’s the one.

The memory of his words hits me square in the chest. I raise my hand, rubbing over the center of my chest, trying to ease away the ache.

“I… I don’t want to be in the way, plus it’s the twins’ birthday today and Alex is throwing them a party tonight. Elliot called me earlier, practically begging me to go.” I shrug, hoping it comes across as relaxed, but my entire body is tense. “You know I can’t say no to him. So, I figured, why not go back early?”

Carter’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard. His voice cracks as he says, “But I don’t want you to go.”

I wince.

He’ll get over it. Raegan will distract him with her witty charm and infectious laughter, and he will soon forget about how I left earlier than normal. He’ll be so wrapped up in this new relationship and training camp, it’ll fill the void he would have felt before.

But me? I’ll be working on getting over these feelings once and for all.

I’ve been in love with Carter Lockwood for nearly two decades, and I don’t think my heart can cope any longer.

Today marks the day I take a step back to protect myself. To learn how I can be the friend he needs, the one who can support him without the constant heartache.

“You won’t even notice I’m gone.” I squeeze his shoulder and force a smile.

“What if I speak with Coach about reducing my training time? We can go hiking. We can try out that new burger place we keep talking about.” His voice gets higher and higher with each word, panic laced in his tone.

“You know that’s not an option.” I shake my head softly. “I just need to go home.”

Home is wherever the other one is, you got it?

His words from when we graduated college come barreling back at full force. And from the distraught expression on his face, he’s remembering them too.

His mouth opens and closes a few times, like he’s trying to argue but can’t think of the words to say. After a minute, he takes a step forward and engulfs me in his arms so tightly, it knocks the breath from my lungs. I wrap my arms around him, returning his hug as Raegan watches us from her spot on the couch.

“I’m sorry,” she mouths, remorse lining her brows.

I squeeze my eyes closed and return Carter’s hug. When he finally lets go and takes a step back, his eyes are shimmering wet, tears clinging to his dark lashes. I fucking hate that I’ve upset him.

“I won’t get to see you until November.” His voice shakes.

“I know.” I rub the back of my neck. “At least we had Hawaii, and these last few weeks.”

His tongue peeks out, licking over his trembling bottom lip. “I don’t want you to go, Reid,” he says again.

A sigh shudders out of me just as my phone vibrates in my pocket, letting me know my rideshare is outside. Carter looks at the door, then back to me.

“I could’ve taken you to the airport.” This time his voice breaks and a tear spills down his cheek.

Instead of answering, I bring him in for another hug and kiss the side of his head. “See you in a few months.”

When I step back, I look over to Raegan. “Look after him, yeah?”

“Of course.” She darts around the couch and wraps her slender arms around my waist. “Take care of yourself.”

With a lump thick in my throat, I pick up my luggage and head to the door. I know he’ll be hurting right now, but it’s for the best. For both of us. If he’s serious that Raegan might be the one, then it’s unfair for me to be invading on their time together. He’ll understand. Eventually.

Glancing over my shoulder, I manage a small smile as I say goodbye, then close the door behind me. The moment the door clicks shut, my heart shatters in my chest, and I finally allow the tears to come to the surface.

It’s for the best , I remind myself, but my heart doesn’t feel too sure.