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Chapter Ten

She shook her head and tried to look away. “Samantha,” he said again, cupping her chin, redirecting her focus, forcing her to meet his eyes. “I love you.”

“No,” she said. “No.”

“Sam...”

“No!” She pulled away from him and got off of the counter, panic surging through her, her entire body shaking. She pushed her skirt down her hips, covering herself.

“I do,” he said.

“Stop it. That’s not what this was. This wasn’t supposed to change anything.”

“Too damn bad. It changed everything.”

“But I didn’t want it to!”

“And what, Sam, you honestly believed it wouldn’t? Honestly?”

“I don’t know. You’re a guy and...”

“I am your best friend, Samantha. I would never use you that way. Ever. How could you not know I had feelings for you? ”

“Because you said,” she began, her voice shaking, “you said we’d just get it out of our systems.”

“I thought maybe it was possible,” he said, his voice unsteady too. “But not after. Not after it happened.”

“I can’t do this.”

“Why?” He moved closer to her, still naked, his expression stark, raw. Painful. “Why can’t you do this with me?”

“I don’t know if I can ever do this with anyone.”

“But why not me, Sam? Don’t you feel something for me?”

“Jace...you are...you’re my rock. You’re my...everything. And me and men...it never works. I don’t know how to have that kind of relationship. I don’t like it. I don’t...do well with it.”

“Bullshit.”

“I don’t! It’s never worked.”

“It was never me.”

“Like that would really change anything?” she asked, regretting the words as she spoke them, panic driving her on. “My mom left me, Jace. My mom left me here and never came back. She didn’t even care. I don’t...people don’t stay with me.”

“And I’ve only stood by you for fourteen years. Not much of a guarantee.”

“It’s different. I...Jace....” She took a deep breath.

“I have had so much...so much loss. And not a moment of stability, until you. I need you. Don’t you understand?

I need you where you were. I need my friend.

My support system.” She put her hand on his cheek.

“If I don’t have you here to hold me up, my whole world will crumble and I can’t risk that for sex, for.

..for this idea of love when I’ve never, ever seen that version of it last. ”

Jace stumbled back like he’d been punched in the stomach, and she felt the impact in hers.

“Tell me you understand,” she whispered.

He nodded, a muscle in his jaw jumping. “I understand.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“I understand, but I’m not going to do it.”

“What?”

“I’m not going to be your fucking support system,” he said, his tone hard, even.

“I am not here to prop you up. Stand on your own damn feet, Samantha. You aren’t a child.

You’re a grown woman, and I’m a man. I’m not going to be half a person to you.

Just here to fill your needs. Because I want everything.

I want to be your friend. I want to be your lover. I want to be your husband.”

She felt like her world was falling away, the ground disintegrating, slipping from beneath her feet. “Jace...”

“You can’t have me only on your terms.”

“So, I can only have you on yours?” she asked, a tear sliding down her cheek. “That’s not fair. That’s...”

“Put your dog on the couch. Let her drink out of the toilet, wash the dishes with your thumb, bake pies inside cakes—that’s fine as long as I can have you. I want you, Sam. But I want all of you. Not half.”

“Maybe...maybe you feel like that now. And maybe you want me now. But in five years? I don’t...I don’t think you will. And it’s not worth it to me. There’s too much risk and I...I can’t.”

She regretted the words the moment they left her mouth, as she watched them hit Jace with the force of a slap. He swallowed hard, the expression on his face so pained it tore into her guts .

“Great. Then that’s...fine. But I’m going to need you to go somewhere else.”

“Where? I can’t...where?”

“Then I will. I’m going to a hotel.”

“You can’t leave your own house.”

“I’m not staying here with you.”

He bent and picked his clothes up off the floor, putting them on as quickly as possible. He walked away from her into the living room, grabbing his T-shirt off the back of the couch.

Poppy lifted her head from where she was sleeping in front of the fire, unperturbed until that moment.

Jace flung open the closet and pulled out his hat and coat, putting both of them on before going to the door and picking up his keys and wallet.

Horror crept over her, along with the realization that he really was leaving. “Jace!”

He turned to look at her, waiting for her to speak.

“You won’t really go. We’re friends...we...”

He shook his head. “No. Text me when you figure out somewhere else to stay that will take Poppy.”

“Your animals...”

“I’ll come back to take care of them. We won’t run into each other.”

He put his hand on the doorknob and anger shot through her, rescuing her from dissolving into tears. “You’re throwing away fourteen years of friendship because of sex?” she spat. “Then maybe what we had didn’t mean as much as I thought it did.”

“No, Sam. You’re throwing away love because of fear.” He opened the door, a shaft of cold air bursting through the comfortable warmth of the house, and then he slammed the door behind him. And he was gone .

Really gone.

Her legs wobbled, gave out beneath her, and she went to her knees, to the floor, too numb to cry. She heard his truck motor. Heard the vehicle roar through the snow and out of the driveway.

Poppy got up and wandered, not to where Samantha was on the floor, but to the door, whining, the high-pitched sound hitting Sam right in her heart, pain splintering outward.

She moved over to where Poppy sat, wrapping her arms around the big dog, and she buried her face in her fur. And then she cried like she’d lost her best friend.

Because she had.

Jace hated motel rooms. They weren’t his, and he hated that feeling. But it seemed to fit right now because his body didn’t feel like it was his either.

It was numb. All of him was. And for now, he was thankful for that fact. Because like any good physical injury, once the shock wore off it was going to smart like a son of a bitch.

He wasn’t looking forward to that.

Fortunately, he could prolong the moment by downing some whiskey. And then, in the morning, maybe, just maybe his head would hurt more than his heart.

He popped the top on the bottle and debated pouring a glass, then decided against it. He raised the bottle to his lips and took a long drink.

Class act. But who the hell cared? No one. Apparently, no one cared.

Not Sam .

He replayed the scene in his mind. Every ugly word that had flown between them.

He’d done the right thing by leaving. He had.

Because if he had stayed, he would have to watch her finally find the guy who melted her reserve.

The man who would make her want to take a chance on things she clearly didn’t want to take a chance on with him.

“You can’t have me only on your terms.”

“So, I can only have you on yours?”

Was that what he was doing? His way or the highway?

No. She wanted him to be her damn crutch through life, and he deserved more than that.

You love her, but you’re taking yourself out of her life completely as punishment for not feeling the same way? For being afraid? Asshole .

So what? He took another drink. He deserved more. He deserved more than a mess of a house and a mother who loved garbage more than she loved people. He deserved more than a friend who loved safety more than she loved him.

And maybe she deserved more than a love with conditions.

He took another drink and stared out the window at the snow. He had a feeling his heart and his pride were going to do battle tonight.

And he had no idea who was going to win.

Samantha slept on the floor by the fire with Poppy. Well, she didn’t really sleep. She tossed and turned, her entire body aching.

She hadn’t known heartbreak was physical. Hadn’t known she would really feel like a part of herself had shattered. She’d imagined she’d felt heartbreak before, but she’d been wrong.

Nothing was like this. Nothing.

Being in Jace’s house without him was a special kind of hell. She needed to find another place to stay, but she didn’t want to. Because it smelled like him here.

She wanted to crawl into his bed and inhale his scent, wrap herself in it.

But she denied herself. Because she didn’t deserve it.

She kept replaying her own words, hearing how small they sounded. How pitifully meager in light of what he’d offered.

She pulled her knees up against her chest. She’d lost him now. In every way. As her support. As her lover. As her friend.

She wanted to be angry. To scream at him and say this was why she couldn’t do it. Because losing him would hurt too much.

Because it did hurt too much.

So much. So much she didn’t know if she would survive it.

He left because he offered you his heart, and you asked him for something else. You didn’t offer a damn thing.

A tear rolled down her cheek and she squinted, the light from the fire blurring into orange stars, the heat on her face doing nothing to heat the chill in her soul.

It was the truth. He’d laid it all on the line, and she’d rejected it. Rejected him.

Because she’d been afraid. But not of what she’d thought.

The realization made a sob catch in her throat. Jace was already everything to her. No matter what she’d let herself think. No matter what lies she’d told herself .

She hadn’t needed to share his bed for him to have her heart. He’d always had it. Always. It was why she’d never let her relationships progress past a certain point. It was why no one had ever been important enough to replace him in her life, to come between the two of them.

She loved him. She’d always loved him.

He was her everything. Not just her support, but her everything .

And what would happen when he realized that she could never be his? That was her real fear. That he would suddenly look at her and see what her father must have seen when he decided to walk out. What her mother must have seen when she’d let her teenage daughter stay behind in a different state.

That he would realize at some point she wasn’t worth all that emotion.

She closed her eyes and scooted closer to Poppy, resting her head on her dog’s shoulder. “What did I do?”