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Chapter Twenty

Sarah

It was just the best time at the ranch last night, visiting with his family. I’ve never felt so surrounded by so many wonderful people. Hell, I don’t think I knew that many wonderful people existed in the world.

Dallas went back to his uncle’s ranch for the day, and it was my day off, so I stayed home and studied.

I’ve also been thinking about a conversation I had with Allison yesterday.

Part of me wants to stay with Dallas forever – it’s been so wonderful existing like this.

Frozen in this moment in time, but I can’t keep doing it.

Once I quit paying for rent in the apartment and sisters, I’ll be able to get a place here.

The rent is actually a lot higher in Gold Valley than in sisters, but Allison’s stepmom owns a few properties in town, and she has a tiny little cottage – the one that Colt mentioned when he first came into Sammy’s jewelry shop – and that’s available to me if I need it.

Which is honestly so nice. I feel like I probably need to do that.

I probably need to live on my own for a little bit.

It doesn’t mean that Dallas and I can’t still be together. But I feel like some independence would probably be a good thing. Or maybe I’m just looking to put a little distance between myself and the intensity that I feel every time he looks at me.

This is uncharted territory. To want things this badly.

I’ve never been one to harbor big dreams of the future.

Getting to a place right can even allow myself to admit that I want to be a social worker is kind of a big deal.

Goals have felt like my enemy for a long time, because when I was a kid, I didn’t have any control over anything. Wanting things felt pointless.

But I’m starting to want. Really big things. Really scary things.

Kaylee really homed in on those worries that I have when she talked to me the other day.

Like I’m worried if I do the wrong thing now, now that we’ve made our relationship physically intimate, there’ll be nothing left of us.

That if I ask him for more than he wants to give, or we try for everything, and we fail, we’ll be left with nothing.

She seems to think that isn’t necessarily true, but I just can’t imagine Dallas and me being anything other than an extreme.

Because even though our foundation is friendship, it was never a healthy friendship. It was always a trauma bond wrapped up in a scarcity mindset and set on fire with fear and isolation. We’ve always been unhealthy.

Wrapped around each other in a way that feels intimate, intense, and that was even before we introduced kissing and sex .

Yeah. I don’t know that balanced, healthy friendship after an implosion is going to be us.

But I really hate the idea of not having him, so I don’t know… I don’t know what that means. I’m trying to figure it out.

Trying to figure myself out. I wonder what my life will look like, when I’m not on the run.

This has been such a wonderful thing. I’ve been able to really rest. To meet people, connect with them.

To find parts of myself I’ve never really been able to see before because they’ve always been obscured by trauma.

I’m grateful to him for that.

My gratitude, my willingness to fling myself into his orbit and absorb into him, isn’t really the issue, though.

I stand up and stretch, feeling like I’ve been absolutely rotting for the whole day, barely moving from the kitchen table as I completed my assignments.

And right as I stand, the door opens, and Dallas comes in.

It’s getting dark outside, I’ve only just noticed. And my stomach is growling.

“I have dinner plans,” he says.

“Oh. Well, that’s great. Because I’m starving, and I didn’t think of dinner.”

“Come on.” He looks impish, and most definitely like he’s up to something, which I’m definitely interested in.

He extends his hand, and I walk toward him. I take it, and he pulls me to him, lowering his head and giving me a kiss.

“What’s happening?”

“You’ll see,” he says.

He helps me into the truck, and I go willingly. And then we drive up one of the dirt roads on the property that I haven’t been down yet .

It winds up into the trees, and up higher still. Until we arrive at a grassy hillside, and my heart lurches. There are lanterns set up in a circle, and what looks like a picnic basket, and a blanket spread out on the grass.

“What is this?” I ask.

“A grand gesture.”

“Dallas…”

He kills the engine, puts the truck in park, and gets out. Then he rounds to my side and opens my door. “Come on. I’m giving you romance.”

Romance .

Allison told me that she prefers the romance to sex.

I unbuckle, and he grabs me by the waist and lifts me out of the truck, holding me against him.

I’m not sure I can say I prefer romance, but it all feels part of the same thing.

Like he took the physical intimacy between us and made it bigger, more expansive.

Like he added a new thing that we are. Because we are movies and friendship and trauma and protectiveness, sex and orgasms and romance, now I guess.

I think there’s something amazing about that.

He leads me to the blanket, and sits me down.

“I’m not a wine expert,” he says, “but my aunt owns a vineyard, and she is. And she gave me a bottle of what she says is one of their most popular wines.”

I don’t know anything about wine either, but this feels so…

Fancy. Like something from someone else’s life.

Can this really be me? Sitting with this man who is so beautiful when I look at him, I could barely breathe, with a beautiful view, glowing lanterns, wine, and a picnic basket?

It doesn’t seem like it. There’s lovely food in the basket – also from his aunt’s winery- and he hooks his phone up to a Bluetooth speaker, and we even have musical ambience surrounding us .

“Please tell me you don’t do this with every woman you hook up with?”

“Never,” he says. “Just you. Because I want… I’ve never wanted so much to give someone everything. It’s like life was to you. I know what you actually deserve, and I want to make up for everything you didn’t get.”

“That would be pretty tricky to do. Might as well climb up there and grab some stars and bring down a handful for me.”

“I would if I could.”

He means that. I can see it.

The truth is, I bet if you brought stardust down to earth, it would lose all its shine.

But that doesn’t stop the feeling in my chest from expanding, so big that I can scarcely breathe around it. So big that I don’t know what to do with it.

The wine is wonderful, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about wine, and the food is delicious. We eat in silence, and there’s something comfortable about that.

I look up at him, at the way the waiting sun shines against the angles of his face, those glowing blue eyes in the twilight.

“You know you’re amazing, don’t you?” I ask him.

“Funny,” he says. “I was going to say the same thing about you.” When we finish eating, he reaches out and takes my hand, pulls me up. “We missed the chance to dance on your birthday. I do want to miss it again.”

I nod, and he pulls me up against his chest, then twirls me in a circle. I look up and watch the stars all blur together in the sky.

And when we finish dancing, we lie down in the field, just like we did back when we were kids, staring down at the city and trying to dream up futures that weren’t quite so dark.

Here we are. With each other.

Dallas and Sarah back then couldn’t have dreamed up anything quite this sweet. Quite this miraculous.

This is magic.

But I wonder if, much like the stars and stardust brought to earth, if the sun shines too bright on it, if it leaves its heavenly position, it’ll all disappear.

I wonder if something this beautiful can possibly last.

Because I’m still me.

I’m still Sarah Anderson.

The foster kid. The abused little girl. The woman who's running away from old ghosts.

I don’t know if Sarah is allowed to have nice things. Not for keeps.

But what a beautiful temporary this is.

So I close my eyes, and sway in time to the music, feel the way his body is pressed against mine.

If all we have is beautiful temporary, then I’ll revel in every moment. Until it fades away like stars with the sunrise.