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Chapter Ten

Dallas

It’s a beautiful day, and I’m so glad to be out riding in it, that for once I’m not thinking about everything that’s going on with Sarah. She’s at work, and while I was a little nervous dropping her off – because she was nervous – now I’m just thinking about the moment I’m in.

The trail is glorious, this one winding up into the mountains, around the property, giving a beautiful view of the valley below.

Gold Valley.

The mountains in the distance look blue, the patchwork fields different shades of green. You can see Main Street from up here, cars driving up and down, looking like little toys.

“I’m glad you’re home,” my dad says.

I turn toward him, where he’s stopped his horse a foot or so from mine. He’s not looking at the view. He’s looking at me .

“Thanks. I’m glad… I’m glad to be here.”

“I’m also really glad you brought Sarah. I’m glad that you trusted us with her.”

I snort. “Who else would I go to? You’re the most important people in my life.”

My dad swallows hard, looks away. “I’m glad to hear that.

I’ve been thinking… You know, I realize there are a lot of things I’ve never told you.

Because when you came to live with me, I was so focused on being the best dad I could be.

I was trying to tread that line between being a good father, a father that could get you through school, and give you guidance, and…

Remember you had that one English teacher threatening to fail you junior year? ”

I frown. “Yeah.”

“I don’t think I ever told you that Kaylee and I went down there and read him the riot act.

Told him that he was being ridiculously hard on you, ignoring all the improvement that you made, and all your hard work.

But I know that with you, we just told you that you had to be respectful and do the assignments. ”

“I… I didn’t know you did that.”

“I know. Like I said, I’ve been thinking a lot about that stuff lately.

And especially with Sarah here, I’ve been thinking about a lot of the conversations that we’ve never had.

I don’t know if you can ever really know how much I regret not being in your life for those first fifteen years.

Having the girls has only made it worse. ”

I’m shocked by that. I was sure that having the girls just fulfilled his desire for a family. Gave him all the things that he wanted. I was sure that his having the girls would erase the pain that he felt about me, if he felt lingering pain at all.

“Why?” I ask.

“Because I’m so aware of what I missed with you.

When Cara was born, I… it was a really happy time.

But all I could think about was when you were born.

How I wasn’t there. How I didn’t get to hold you.

When she took her first steps, I just thought about how I missed yours.

All the things I wasn’t there for. Your first words, and kindergarten, and…

you throwing soggy Cheerios on the floor. ”

My chest feels tight, and I feel uncomfortable with the shared emotion. “Come on, Dad. You don’t really miss soggy Cheerios.”

“I fucking do, actually. I’m really sorry that I never cleaned up yours.

And I realized I needed to tell you that.

Because as parents… we want to protect our kids.

We want to make things seem effortless and easy for you, but that’s foolish.

Because your life was not effortless or easy before you came to be with me.

And I think that you should know how much I regret certain things.

How much I care, still, about everything I missed. ”

I’m not sure what to say to that. Because I’ve been thinking about all these things too. “I just figured… I figured Lucy and Cara felt a lot more like your real kids to you. Because it’s the family that you chose. I…”

He looks like I just stabbed him in the chest, and I regret saying it. I really do.

“Forget it,” I say.

“No,” he says. “I don’t want to forget it.

That’s how you feel. But it’s not true. You’re my real family, Dallas.

You’re my son. I’ll have an ache inside of me for the rest of my life because of the years that we missed, because you are so important to me.

Missing a single moment would’ve been hard enough, but I missed fifteen years.

I wasn’t able to protect you all the time I wanted to.

And really, I owe Sarah my thanks. Because she kept you safe, I know she did. All those years that you were away. ”

“She didn’t keep me safe,” I say. “She was little.”

“Emotionally,” he says. “She was your family.”

Well. I can’t deny that.

“I’m not mad at you,” I say. “You know that, right?”

He looks at me, and I can feel the regret. Like everything he’s just explained is somehow radiating out of him, transferring itself directly into my chest. I feel the complication of it. I feel the love, too.

“I know,” he says. “But that doesn’t stop me from being mad at myself, and I don’t need you to try and make me feel better.”

I shift on the back of the horse. “Shouldn’t we try to make each other feel better?”

“I’m your dad, Dallas. So, whatever it is you need, I’m here for you. It’s not equal. It doesn’t need to be. I’m supposed to take care of you.”

I nod. “Yeah. You do.”

More than that, he’s given me so much of who I am now.

I feel guilty, about all the things I haven’t been able to heal.

I think about what Sarah was saying, about carrying it around like an enchanted ring.

It would be easier to just get rid of it, it would be easier if good things wiped it all away, and it would certainly be a better tribute to the man who has given me so much.

But that’s not how all this works.

“I didn’t know how to ride horses before you,” I say. “I didn’t even know that I loved them. I never had a dog, I didn’t see the point. I would never be where I am now if it weren’t for you. I feel like… I know me not finishing college wasn’t the best.”

“I never cared personally whether you did college or not, I just wanted you to have the option. I didn’t want you to take anything from yourself before you were old enough to realize what you were doing. I might not have reacted the best to that.”

“You were fine,” I say.

“Yeah, but I wasn’t happy with you, and I take it you figured that out.”

“Sure. But whose dad isn’t a little disappointed in them?”

“I’m not disappointed in you,” he says. “I’m not. But sometimes maybe I overcompensate by being a little intense because I want you to have everything. Hell, look at you. You’re a bull riding champion.”

“Yeah. I am.”

“I mean, that’s not all I want for you. Being an absurdly young father means that I could be a young grandfather.”

I grimace. “Please. I’m not even remotely to that point.”

“I know,” he says. “I do. I just mean that I want you to have a family. To fall in love. Whatever that looks like for you.”

“That’s what you thought was happening when you saw a girl on my front door camera,” I say.

He snorts. “Sure. It’s not what’s happening?”

“I told you. She’s like family. I just want to take care of her. All the things that you just said you wanted for me, that’s what I want for her. I want her to have a good life. More than that, I want her to be safe. I want her to feel safe.”

“It’s awful to watch someone you care about go through this kind of stuff. I mean, I don’t have experience with exactly this. But you know, Kaylee had a pretty rough life, and we were friends when we were younger.”

I shift uncomfortably because it feels like he’s turning the conversation back to the possibility of romance between Sarah and me. Though, I know he’s just telling me about his own life.

“Yeah. But she’s here now.”

“Yep. And she has you.”

Instead, we finish up the ride, and I look at the time and realize I need to go down and pick Sarah up.

Eventually, we’re going to have to go back to Sisters and move her out of her apartment, get her car, and get everything that she needs.

But right now, it’s okay that I’m the one who’s going to pick her up.

But I’m the one who’s going to take care of her.

I shower, get dressed and headed to town, and as soon as I drive in, I see Sarah standing out in front of the shop. With Colt. He’s leaning against the side of the building, chatting to her like she…

Like she’s one of his Buckle Bunnies. I know the posture. I know his game.

Well. That’s not fucking happening. He doesn’t know anything about her. She probably doesn’t want him talking to her. She might even feel…

I pull my truck up against the curb. I know that I can’t come barreling out looking angry at one of my oldest friends, but I feel angry.

How dare he? How dare he assume that Sarah wants his attention? His ego is out of control.

“You come in first in one big event and you start thinking you’re pretty big stuff?”

I think I’ve managed to keep my tone conversational, but a little bit confrontational.

Colt steps back and looks at me, chuckling. “Well, I don’t know. I would leave that verdict up to Sarah.”

Motherfucker .

“Yeah. I think Sarah’s fine. She doesn’t need to give you a Best in Show ribbon just because you want one.”

“Wow.”

“Colt is fine,” Sarah says, shooting me a strange glance and moving nearer to me. “If I didn’t want to talk to him, he would know. But I’ve enjoyed it. Thanks for keeping me company, since Dallas was late.”

I looked down at the time. “Dallas is only ten minutes late.”

“I appreciate the company all the same,” she says, not looking at me.

Well. Well, that’s just fine.

“I was thinking I could take you to dinner,” I say.

“Oh. To Mustard Seed?”

“Sure,” I say. “In fact, we can just walk from here. See you later, Colt.”

He gives me a look that I can’t quite pull apart, and I decide that I don’t really care if I do. “This way,” I say.

She turns and waves at Colt, and as soon as we go around the corner she looks over at me. “What was that?”

“What?”

“You were kind of mean to your friend.”