Page 14 of Cruel Alpha (Nightfire Islands Alphas #1)

One step forward, two steps back. Every time Caleb and I had a conversation, that was how it felt: one step forward, two steps back. He acts like my mate, check. He wants to protect me, check. He’s attracted to me… check? He defends me from the rest of the Pack, check. He acknowledges publicly that I’m his mate and that my children are his? Absolutely not.

Was there something deeper going on, like Julia said? Was he planning something that meant he couldn’t claim us, and he’d simply neglected to tell me, or was this just how my life was going to be from now on? I’d read novels when I was younger about Alphas who kept their low-status mates as dirty secrets, sneaking away from arranged matings to promise eternal love and devotion, but only where no one could see. My self-esteem had been low enough back then that I’d dreamed of such an arrangement; all I’d wanted was a few kind words and a gentle touch.

As a grown woman, I was going to need a hell of a lot more. If Caleb wanted me, he’d have to claim me and my children. Our children.

The three days following the Market Incident were a hell of my own making. I turned every interaction with Caleb over in my mind incessantly, trying to get to the bottom of his behavior as if I were a detective in an old movie. He wasn’t the same Caleb I remembered, that was for sure; the brash, arrogant, callous boy had turned into a serious and disciplined man—and that was just the thing. I knew why the Caleb of three years ago had rejected me: his ego wouldn’t allow him to accept a low-status, half-breed mate, let alone the children she was already carrying. The Caleb I’d known over the past few weeks didn’t seem like that kind of guy, but he still wouldn’t claim me publicly.

I could just come out and ask him. I should just ask him rather than subject myself to his lukewarm affections and torture myself with trying to figure out why. But one insurmountable fact remained: for all the help he’d given us, for all the moments of tenderness between us since I’d returned to Arbor, I still didn’t quite trust him. As much as I wanted to march right up and ask what the hell was going on inside that head of his, part of me feared the answer I would receive. In my mind’s eye, I saw his beautiful mouth twitch up into the smirk that had haunted me throughout my teen years, heard that low, rich voice say, you didn’t really think I’d claim you?

The image would not leave my mind as I hurried the short distance from Julia’s cottage to the hall, ready for another mortifying day of training my wolf. Despite being exhausted after a rough night of sleep—all three of us still had nightmares of crashing cars and howling beasts—the twins hadn’t wanted to go down for their naps. By the time Emmy finally quieted down, I was already late.

When I entered the hall, I was surprised that our usual obstacle course was not present. Instead, a smallish space had been cleared in the center of the room, where Caleb waited for me.

“Sorry,” I panted as the door swung shut behind me, “the twins didn’t want to take their nap today.”

To my surprise, Caleb smiled.

“Well, then they’re delaying their own fun,” he said. “Or—future fun, I suppose.”

“What?”

Caleb held up a measuring tape as if this explained everything.

“You’re gonna have to give me a little more than that,” I said. “I thought we were training today?”

“Oh, we’re training,” Caleb said, a wicked glint in his eye. “I’ve asked Jace to rig you up a harness that will allow you to carry the twins while you’re in your wolf form. Kind of like a…” he hesitated, gesturing to his front as if he were holding a baby there.

“A carrier?” I suggested, unable to hide my own smile.

“Yeah. Hands-free.” He waved his own hands as if to demonstrate, and I wished it wasn’t cute as all hell. Caleb seemed excited, boyish in a way I’d never seen him before, and it was too endearing to be safe. I tried not to think about how sweet it was that he even thought to ask Jace for something like this, and it made my heart turn in happy somersaults to think that he wanted to do something for Jack and Emmy.

“Okay,” I said, trying to stay on topic, “and what does that have to do with training?”

“Well,” he explained, “I’m going to have to take your measurements to make sure it fits.”

I blushed, imagining how close he’d have to be, wrapping his strong arms around my hips, my waist, my chest. Would he feel the pull of the bond as our skin brushed together?

“You’ll have to hold form for a while to let me get everything Jace needs,” Caleb continued, and I immediately felt like an idiot. Obviously, he would need my wolf’s measurements. That made way more sense.

“Sounds like I’m in for a challenge,” I said, hoping that my face wasn’t too flushed.

“You sure are. Get yourself ready.”

I stripped as quickly and efficiently as possible, desperately trying not to look at Caleb, who was desperately trying not to look at me. This would be my fourth training session, and while my ability to hold my wolf had improved in leaps and bounds, Caleb and I still hadn’t figured out how to be in the same room together while I was naked. Humans didn’t have these kinds of problems, I thought to myself as I unhooked my bra; they didn’t have mates or Packs or reasons to be constantly naked in front of other people. It seemed like a nice life.

“Okay,” I said as I kicked my panties onto my little pile of clothes, “let’s go.”

The shift was almost easy now. It didn’t hurt nearly as much as it once did—now the pain was like a really deep stretch or a hard massage; it was the good kind of pain. As always, I spent the first few moments in the wolf’s body trying to tamp down on the instinct that told me to rub myself all over Caleb, to mark him with my scent. That was absolutely not on the table, no matter how deep the primal urge ran.

He beckoned me over, and I went, staying as still as possible while he explained which measurements needed to be taken. There were more than I’d thought, and he was right: staying in my wolf form for that long would be a challenge. What I hadn’t reckoned on was how difficult it would be to stay so close to Caleb for the duration. Having him kneel down to measure the circumference of each of my forelegs was bearable, as was the one from the top of my spine to midway down my back. Keeping my breathing slow and even, concentrating on remaining in this body, I told myself that everything would be fine.

Everything was not fine. I couldn’t stop my wolf from letting out a pitiful whine as he wound his strong arms around my neck to measure its circumference. His scent was everywhere, and breathing was no longer my friend. I wanted to bury my muzzle beneath his shirt and lick the skin there, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

“You’re doing really well,” Caleb assured me, mistaking my whine for one of discomfort. “Just a few more minutes, you can do it.” He scratched the top of my head between my ears, and I leaned into his touch.

I suffered through it as he reached around to measure my wolf’s waist and a few more points on my back. I could feel my hold on my wolf slipping; I’d never held her for this long before, and it took every ounce of my concentration to keep my fur. If I had to move even an inch, I would lose it, but I was determined to hold the form as long as possible. I wanted to have the twins on my back as I ran; I wanted to show them that I was strong and that one day, they would be strong, too.

“Just one more,” Caleb assured me. “I just have to, uh—sorry.”

That was all the warning I got before Caleb dropped onto his ass, scooting underneath my wolf to measure the distance from my sternum to my belly. It took him a while—it must be difficult to place the measuring tape and take the reading from that position—and I felt my legs begin to shake with the effort of holding my wolf. I was also acutely aware of his presence, his touch on my wolf’s soft and sensitive underbelly. It felt good, but too vulnerable, like I was offering myself up to him entirely.

When Caleb spoke, his voice sudden and surprising, I lost my grip.

“Okay, I think we’re— oof. ”

I landed in a heap on top of him, my arms braced either side of his head and my knees bracketing his hips. I was acutely, hideously aware of the way my belly and breasts were hanging over him, my soft arms trembling. Caleb only smirked up at me.

“Just in time,” he said.

“You, uh—you got everything you need?” I asked. I should have gotten up, should have risen, ungainly, to my feet and put an appropriate amount of distance between us, but my body wasn’t listening. The stupid animal within me only wanted to be close to him.

“I got the measurements, yeah,” said Caleb, his voice low and husky.

“Good,” I breathed. My mind had gone entirely blank, only aware of how warm he was beneath me, how good he smelled, the sensation of denim on the insides of my thighs.

“Good,” he echoed. There was a note of teasing in his voice like he was enjoying it.

“I need to get up,” I said, stupidly. I didn’t move.

“Only if you want to,” he said, his fingers beginning to trace the outsides of my thighs oh so carefully, like I was a skittish beast that might flee at any moment. Even that feather-light touch made me shiver, my nipples hardening and the space between my thighs growing damp. I wanted to lower myself down until every inch of me was touching him, until I could grind myself against him and soothe the ache that was growing in the core of me.

Caleb looked as though he wanted the same. His perfect lips were slightly open, and the normal icy blue of his eyes had almost vanished, swallowed by the black of his blown pupils. His breath was coming heavy, and for a few long moments, we breathed in tandem, frozen in time and paralyzed with wanting.

Then he broke it; reaching up with one hand, he gently brushed a stray curl away from my face. He didn’t lower his hand, though, letting it come to rest on the side of my face, his other hand beginning to rub more purposeful circles on the meat of my thigh.

“Alyssa,” he breathed, and it was like a siren call. I leaned down, my breasts brushing his chest, until we were nose to nose. I wanted so badly to kiss him. My memories of that night, that one night, were so painful and tainted—I wanted new memories of his touch on my skin, but I couldn’t risk it, not again. Taking a shaky, uncertain breath, I asked,

“Do you mean this?”

“ Yes. ” He gripped my thigh hard, and I gasped. I wanted him, I wanted his hands and his mouth, I wanted his cock inside me—I could feel it, hard and insistent beneath his jeans—but not without certainty. Not without knowing it meant the same to him as it did to me.

“Do you claim us?”

He blinked, confused.

“Us? Alyssa, I can’t—”

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dropped on top of me. I scrambled to my feet, eyes suddenly brimming with tears that I would not, could not shed here.

“I think we’re done here,” I said, my voice thick and trembling. I needed to get out of there, to get home to my babies. “Thanks for the training.”

I shoved myself back into my clothes, not bothering with underwear, but even that took too long, and Caleb was on his feet.

“Don’t do this,” he said. “Alyssa, you can’t seriously think—”

“Stop,” I said, not wanting to hear the rest of it. I couldn’t hear it all again, not when I’d been stupid enough to let him close. “Just stop, Caleb.”

I didn’t bother with my shoes, and the stone was cold beneath my feet as I fled the hall, letting the door close with a slam behind me.