Page 40

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

WHAT I WANT

ADELINE

I’m sitting in the back of Elle’s SUV, listening to Tru and Poppy discussing pregnancy next to me.

Sadie’s riding shotgun, scrolling on her phone and asking Elle all the questions about her movie premiere.

We’ve got some time yet before that, but we decided that after we get some Christmas shopping done, we’ll do a little gown shopping as well.

“Do you have any ideas about what you want to wear yet?” Sadie asks Elle.

Elle squeals, doing a little dance. “Well, I thought I’d wear a Dior dress I’ve had my eye on, but…Tamara Ralph’s people have reached out!”

We all freak out, yelling and waving our hands in the air and pounding the seats.

“You’re gonna be styled!” Sadie says, doing a little dance.

“You are such a superstar,” Poppy says.

“I’m not though! I really liked staying in my little hidey hole and writing away. The way this has all gone is crazy. Is it too soon to say that I’m panicking?” Elle says with a nervous laugh.

“Not about how you’re going to look though, right?” Tru asks, leaning forward to put her hand on Elle’s shoulder. “Because we all know you’re going to look amazing.”

“No. I mean, I’m nervous about that too…being seen by all those people. But I’m mostly worried I won’t like the movie. Or that everyone else won’t. I like what I’ve seen so far, but I haven’t seen it all put together yet. It’s hard to tell how it’s going to turn out.”

“That makes total sense,” I tell her. “It must be so exciting to have your characters brought to life, but also, terrifying…because what if they don’t capture them how you intended?”

“Exactly. I’m one of those the-book-is-always-better kind of people…unless it’s The Notebook , and then Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams just completely slayed in that movie,” she says.

“Agreed,” we all chime in.

“Speaking of going all out…” Sadie says, turning around to look at me.

I lift my eyebrows, waiting to see where she’s going with this.

“Has Penn added any more Christmas lights outside?”

The laughter in the SUV is loud and I’m laughing right along with them.

“You’ve seen the lights, huh?” I say.

“Penn told the guys in the group thread that they had to come see the masterpiece he’d created outside, so we drove by last night,” she says. “WHOA.”

“We drove by too,” Tru says. “Unbelievable.”

“Us too!” Poppy says. “Becca had to get out and take pictures with Elsa and Mrs. Claus!”

“So cute,” Elle says. “Levi is obsessed and a little afraid of the Snowman.”

I wipe my eyes, unable to stop laughing. “Yesterday, Penn thought the area around the mailbox needed a little embellishment and the next thing I knew, he was stringing two thousand lights around it and the lamppost.”

“Don’t forget the ginormous inflatable of Waldo with the stocking hat,” Sadie adds. “He was adding that out there when we pulled up.”

“Oh my god, you’re kidding,” Tru says. “I missed the Waldo?”

“That guy,” Elle says, shaking her head. “He is a new man with you, Addy. He’s always been fun, but the way he is with you and Sam and Winnie…” She sighs. “I just love seeing it so much. Especially because he was so adamant about never getting married, never settling down. He resisted.”

“Did he ever,” Sadie says.

“But then we all heard about you when we came back from the Bahamas.” Tru laughs. “What did you do to him in the Bahamas? I’ve always been dying to know!”

“I took him to flamingo yoga,” I say, which sends us into another round of laughter.

“You guys are perfect for each other,” Poppy says.

I grin and look out the window, thinking about the stuffed flamingo with extra-long arms that I surprised him with last night.

It’s so fun to give him these things. He set it on his nightstand and then took it downstairs this morning, wrapping its arms around the top of his chair at the kitchen table.

Winnie and Sam are in on it now, looking for funny flamingos.

“Is that why you have that furry flamingo key chain?” Tru asks.

“Yeah, it’s kind of our thing. We surprise each other with flamingos…”

“I love it,” she says.

There’s a bendable flamingo I’ve had my eye on for a while now. Maybe for his Christmas stocking. He’s given me a cute pajama set with flamingos. I’ve given him flamingo boxers.

It takes a while to find parking at Cherry Creek North, no small miracle the week before Christmas, and we pile out onto the street. The holiday market is still going on too, and everything is dressed up for the season. Christmas music plays around us and I breathe in the crisp air.

“All right, team,” Sadie says, adjusting her purse over her shoulder. “Shall we knock out the Christmas shopping first and then tackle the gowns? Or the other way around?”

“Let’s get the shopping done. I don’t have much left,” Poppy says.

“Me either.”

I don’t admit that I’m done with the shopping.

For the past few months, I've shopped online at night while the kids are watching a movie or after they go to bed. I’m just happy to have a day out with these girls.

I love spending time with them. It makes me miss Goldie.

I wish she lived closer. She’d be in the big, fat middle of everything and loving every minute.

Two hours later, we’re standing in the back of a fancy boutique, the dressing rooms piled with glittering gowns. Poppy’s the only one waiting to try anything on because she’s about to pop. The rest of us are staring at Elle in a sleek black gown that hugs her figure perfectly.

She tried to resist trying anything on, but since the event is all about her in our eyes, we talked her into it.

“You’ll need multiple dresses, probably,” Tru says. “So you can still be styled by someone crazy talented, but this one…”

“Exactly. Wow,” Poppy breathes.

Elle shakes her head. “I don’t know…”

“You don’t know?” Sadie looks offended. “You’re perfection. You look like you’re about to accept an Oscar.”

Elle snorts. “It’s not too much?”

“It’s just enough,” Tru says, standing next to me.

“Agreed,” I say.

It’s evening by the time we pull back into Silver Hills, and Tru’s mom, Stephanie, Margo, and my mom meet us at The Fairy Hut.

We tried to include all the moms, but the timing didn’t work out.

My mom and Margo have been welcomed into the fold over the past few months, and it’s been fun seeing their friendships grow too.

I sip my Who Let the Frogs Out? cocktail slowly, savoring the perfect blend of flavors. I missed The Fairy Hut’s delicious and hilariously-named food and drinks when I lived in California.

“Did you have a successful shopping day?” Stephanie asks.

“Three of us found what we’re wearing to Elle’s premiere,” Sadie says. “I couldn’t settle on one.”

“And I need this baby out before I can think about a pretty dress,” Poppy says.

Margo’s sitting next to her and she pats her arm. “You look spectacular. I wish I’d carried a baby the way you do. I puffed out everywhere.”

“Oh, same,” my mom agrees.

The ones of us who haven’t had babies yet take it all in. The unknown. It feels big.

“You okay, sweetheart?” my mom asks quietly.

I turn and smile at her. “I’m good. Really good.”

She squeezes my hand. “You look good. Like you’re glowing from the inside out.”

I lean into her and she puts her arm around me.

“I think I’m going to take a step back. With my job, I mean.”

Her eyes widen. “Really?”

“I’m so grateful for my job, and I’ve truly loved it. But…” I hesitate, searching for the right words. “I feel like Sam and Winnie…they’re my calling. I want to devote my energy to them and our family…and maybe a baby even.”

Her eyes light up. “A baby!”

“It doesn’t feel like giving something up for me. It feels like I’d be missing out if I didn’t focus on them while I’m lucky enough to have them. This whole waiting game…I mean, I know we’ll most likely get to keep them, but…the what-ifs…it’s really made me see what matters most to me.”

My mom watches me for a long moment before smiling. “That’s not giving up at all,” she says. “I admire you so much. And if you ever changed your mind, I’m sure they’d have you back in some capacity or another. That team loves you.”

“Yeah, it may not be forever, but for now…I feel like it’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“Then that’s what you should do.”

“You’re not disappointed or…frustrated?” I ask.

“Why would I be?” She turns to face me fully now.

“Because of all the money you spent on my education…and all the goals and dreams I had.”

“You will still put your knowledge about nutrition to good use, and just because you’re staying home doesn’t mean your goals and dreams die.” She smiles when I laugh. “Are you happy?”

“So happy.”

“Keep listening to your heart, Addy. I trust you. It won’t steer you wrong.”

I exhale, feeling something settle inside me. A decision I wasn’t one hundred percent certain about until I said it out loud.

“Thanks, Mama,” I say softly.

I glance around the table at these beautiful people who have enriched my life in ways I didn’t even know I was missing.

My life is so full. This right here, and what I have at home with Penn and the kids…it’s exactly what I want.