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CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

FLOUNDERING

PENN

It might be strange to some that before I met Sam, I never gave any thought to being a dad. It felt too out of reach, just not my thing. I was good at football and charming women, and that’s about all I cared to pursue.

Meeting Sam changed everything. And then meeting Addy in the Bahamas sent me on another tailspin. I hardly recognize myself these days.

We’re in David’s office at Shaw & Shaw, waiting for him and Sutton to walk in.

Sutton’s married to David’s daughter, Felicity, and it’s evident the two men have a lot of respect for each other.

Felicity lived with Weston briefly and I was around to see some of Felicity’s relationship with Sutton develop.

It’s another example of how far we’ve all come.

Addy’s hand rests on my thigh, and I stop bouncing my leg.

She’s calm and steady. The opposite of how I feel.

She’s in a fitted navy dress and high heels.

She looks smoking hot. But her outfit also screams responsible adult in capital letters.

Her eyes have that edge of sharpness they get when she’s trying to hide her nerves.

It’s also one of the busiest weeks we’ve ever had, but we’ve both managed to fit this in, despite it all.

“You okay?” I ask under my breath.

She smiles faintly. “Doing all right. How about you?”

Absolutely not.

Before I can answer, the door opens and in walks David Shaw.

Since getting close to Weston, I’ve loved getting to know his family too, and David is such a smart, kind man.

He’s not a big talker, but when he speaks, you listen.

Sutton walks in with him and there are hugs all around.

I’m man enough to say that Sutton Landmark is a smokeshow, and I’ve heard the girls talk about him enough to know they are in full agreement.

“I’m really grateful you came all this way,” I tell him.

“For you, anything. And hey, your playing this season…insane. You guys are back, and my brothers and I have specifically talked about how your game has gone next level. Love must suit you.” He grins at Addy.

“Thanks, man. I really appreciate that. And I think you’re right.” I glance at Addy and smile when I see her pink cheeks.

“Penn, Adeline, it’s good to see you both.

” David’s voice is warm as he closes the door behind him.

He drops a leather folder onto the table and then settles into the seat across from us.

“We’ve had the word out for almost two months now, looking for any biological family members for Winnie who might step forward.

So far, no one has. No challenges, no disputes. ”

My chest aches. I squeeze Addy’s hand.

“And Sam?” I ask, though I already know the answer.

“No surprises there either,” David says. “We’ve known for a long time that no one from Sam’s biological family would challenge the adoption. It’s been more a matter of Penn, and now the two of you, being approved.” He grins at us. “And we’re getting closer to it every day.” He glances at Sutton.

“It’s all looking good,” Sutton agrees. “The paperwork is straightforward from here. If there are no objections, you could have a final ruling within a few months. Since it’s all going through the Denver courts, it could be a little longer, but I’ve been putting in a good word for you guys. ” He grins.

“A few months.” I sit back, my hand sliding over my face. I let out a relieved laugh. “Wow. That’s…incredible.”

I look at Addy and she’s lifting her hand up to wipe away a tear. I put my arm around her and scoot closer.

Sutton’s smile grows. “I don’t think you’ll find a judge in this state who would deny it.

Especially with how involved you’ve been in both Sam and Winnie’s lives.

In Sam’s case, Penn, you’ve been there for years.

The stability you’ve provided, the love…

” He glances at Addy. “You’ve done everything right. ”

Addy gives him a tremulous smile and when she looks at me, I can tell how hard she’s working to stay calm.

“Thank you,” she says softly. “For everything.”

“I’ll file the last round of paperwork this week,” David says. “If you don’t hear from me, don’t worry. It means everything’s progressing as expected.”

We talk for another half hour about what to expect and then about how everyone in Landmark Mountain is doing. When the meeting comes to a close, we thank them again and walk out into the bright afternoon sunlight.

Addy sighs, her hand linked with mine. “That went well…right?”

“Really well. For the first time, I’m letting myself hope. Like…really hope.” I take a deep breath, my thoughts whirling.

This is happening. We’re going to be a family. For real.

Addy rests her head briefly against my shoulder as we walk to the SUV. “Penn? Do you ever feel like things are going too well?”

Her words make the hair on the back of my neck rise. “I do know that feeling. But I think we’ve earned some good.” I brush a kiss against her temple.

She nods and smiles, but it’s tentative and distracted.

That weekend we travel for a game, and it’s really hard telling the kids bye. Winnie clings to Addy’s legs and Addy bawls when we get in the car to go to the training facility.

“How can I leave her when she’s so terrified of being left?” she cries.

My heart is heavy too. I hold her hand and my other is clenched around the steering wheel. “She loves being with my parents, and Sam will make sure she’s okay too.”

“He shouldn’t have to carry that,” she says.

She seems off the whole weekend. She still puts on a smile and does her job, working her ass off to make everything perfect for the team, but I catch her crying more than once, and her eyes have dark circles under them.

I try to talk her into coming to my room, but she insists on letting me rest before the game.

I miss having her next to me so much that it’s unsettling.

When we get back home, the kids are asleep. We go into their rooms and kiss their foreheads. This time I was bracing myself for Jezebel, so she doesn’t give me a heart attack when I see her nestled against Sam’s legs.

Sam’s eyes open, and he whispers, “Hey, you’re back,” before falling back to sleep.

We go to our room and get ready for bed, and Addy presses her fingers to her temples like she has a headache.

“You okay?” I ask.

“Just tired,” she says, flashing me a quick smile as she grabs her toothbrush.

The following week, she’s still quiet, and I can’t ignore it anymore.

We’re on the couch and her head is resting against the back. She looks exhausted.

“Addy,” I say, leaning over to kiss her shoulder. “Hey. Talk to me.”

Her eyes flutter shut. “I just…” she pauses. “It’s a lot. You know?”

It’s like a flood of ice-cold water pours through my body.

“You mean the adoption?”

Her eyes snap open. “No.” She sits up. “Yes. I don’t know.”

“You’re having second thoughts?”

Her eyes widen. “No! Penn, no. It’s not that.”

“Then what?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.”

“Try me, Addy. I really want to know.”

She leans forward, covering her face with her hands. Her voice is barely above a whisper. “What if I screw it up?”

“Addy…not possible.”

“I mean it, Penn.” Her eyes are shiny when she looks at me. “I want this. I want this so much it scares me. But what if I’m not what they need?”

God. My heart aches at the look on her face.

“You are ,” I tell her. “You’re better than good. It’s like you know exactly what they need. And you cover for me in all the ways that I’m floundering.”

Her laugh is watery. “You’re not floundering. You’re doing an amazing job. Those kids love you so much.”

“They love you too.”

“That’s the thing…me knowing what they need. I don’t know how to not feel like I’m letting them down when I leave.”

“Lots of parents have to travel for work.”

“And I’m sure it’s hard for their kids, but not as hard as it is for kids who have never had a stable home to begin with. Can you imagine what must be going through Winnie’s mind? Did you see the way she held onto me and cried?” She puts her head in her hands and I rub her back, feeling helpless.

“I think they’ll adjust,” I say finally. “We can do this. We are doing this.”

She lifts her head and wipes her face and then slowly nods. “I hope you’re right.”

I lay awake long after we’ve gone upstairs and made love. I hold her against me, listening to her soft breaths and not wanting to let her go. I kiss her hair and can’t shake the feeling that something is about to break.

I only hope we’ll be strong enough to weather it.