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CHAPTER THIRTY

THE ONLY POSITIVE

ADELINE

I’m drowning. Not the dramatic, desperate-to-breathe kind. It’s slower, more methodical. Like my limbs just can’t tread water anymore. No matter how hard I try to push through it, the weight keeps dragging me down.

It’s been a relentless feeling. Work, Penn, Sam, Winnie—it’s all good stuff, but every day feels like a hamster wheel I can’t stop. I hit the ground running each morning, and by the time I crawl into bed at night, my mind is still spinning. I’m not sleeping well. I can’t shut it off.

This weekend isn’t helping. Another away game, another stretch of time away from home. When I first took the job, the traveling was exciting. Now it just feels like another thing pulling me away from where I’m needed most.

Is this what being a mom feels like?

Sam’s handling it okay. He’s tough, resilient in a way that shatters me sometimes. But Winnie…she’s starting to crack. She clings to me more lately. Cries as I’m packing for the trip. Cries as I’m leaving.

I’ve let her know that she’s not going to another home, that we’re doing everything in our power to keep her and Sam forever, but it’s not enough.

This morning, her eyes were wide and her lashes fringed with tears as she whispered, “You’ll come back, right?”

That nearly broke me. I told her we’d have tonight together and then Margo and Jeremy would do lots of fun things while Penn and I are gone this weekend. And that Jezebel would be there to play with too, which brightened her smile.

“I love Margo and Jeremy,” she said, sighing. “And Jezebel. I just miss you and Penn so bad.”

“We miss you too, sweet girl. So, so much.”

I leave crying again and then try to suck it up and engross myself in the job. It’s the only positive about being away—the job keeps my mind occupied. And Penn.

And that’s a bit pathetic, isn’t it? That my whole sense of comfort comes down to sneaking into his room just to sleep next to him, because otherwise, I’m stuck inside my head, spiraling over every decision I’ve made—or haven’t made—over the last few months.

I try to resist it and follow the rules. But Penn doesn’t make it easy.

Because he knows me too well.

Penn

Come to my room.

He snuck a key into my pocket when we said goodnight.

Go to sleep, Penn.

Penn

I can’t sleep without you.

I roll my eyes at that one.

You’ve fallen asleep without me just fine for years. You can do it again.

Penn

These are really the only date nights we get right now…when we’re traveling. BTW, I want to change that when we get home.

You want to date me?

Penn

Yes.

You just want me in your bed.

Penn

I do love having you in my bed. I’ll behave. Just come lie down with me.

If I believed you, maybe I would consider it. But you don’t know how to behave.

Penn

Okay, how’s this? I promise to only make you come twice.

I snort and cover my face with my pillow. My thumbs hover over my phone for a second before I give in.

Once.

He answers so fast I laugh out loud.

Penn

Deal.

I’m foolish for letting him talk me into this, not to mention, my dad would flip if he knew. Who am I kidding? He probably already knows.

But it’s late, and I’m tired, and truthfully, the idea of being close to Penn is too tempting to resist.

When I slip into his room, he’s already stretched out across the bed, naked, looking like the man of every single dream I’ve ever had. He grins and I climb in next to him, pulling the blankets over both of us. His hand slips under my shirt before I can protest, his fingers skimming over my stomach.

“I said once,” I remind him.

He nuzzles into my neck, his voice low and dark.

“I heard you.” He kisses his way down my body and when his tongue skims over my clit, I jerk against his face.

I feel his lips lift against my skin, and then he doesn’t waste time.

He keeps a steady tempo, his fingers spreading me wide, and then he sucks and his fingers dip in.

He hums encouragingly when I rock against him, and right as I’m fisting the sheets and falling apart, he leans up and flips me over so I’m on top of him.

I’m so wet that when he lines me up and slides me over his hard length, there’s little resistance. He’s so big and I’m so full, and the look on his face is enough to make me weak all over.

“I know I promised only once,” he says, leaning up to take my nipple in his mouth as he rocks up into me. “And I’d rather have stayed between your legs with my mouth a lot longer, but the need to feel your sweet flutters around my dick won out.”

“I love how you feel,” I tell him, breathless. “And this is one promise you can go back on.”

We do sleep eventually, but he wakes me up early the next morning to start the day the right way.

After a huge win, I’m back in his room, and this time, we don’t bother pretending we’re going to sleep.

We’re wrapped up in each other, limbs tangled, our mouths finding each other over and over like we’re trying to memorize every kiss, every touch.

I wrap my hand around him, stroking up and down, and then I lower myself and hear his breathing sharpen when my tongue circles over him.

I want to take my time with him and swallow him whole and when I look up at him, my mouth dipping up and down, he looks down at me with reverence.

“Addy,” he rasps. “You have every part of me. You know that, right?”

I take him deeper and his head falls back as he groans. But he can’t stop watching, so he lifts his head back up, his hand fisting around my hair.

“Fuck. Fuck, Addy. You’re so good. So, so good.

” He groans when I hum over him, and the next thing I know, he tugs my mouth off of him.

“I have to be in you,” he says. “I have to.” He gets on his knees and moves behind me.

“You can stay right here.” He sounds playful now and he pulls my ass in the air, his fingers moving between my legs.

“Mmm. Just what I was hoping. Did your mouth around my cock get you ready for me, Siren?”

I whimper into the bed as he strokes me, and then gasp when he plunges inside of me.

I scream out his name and he spreads my backside, his thrusts going faster and harder.

I press back into him, meeting him each time, and when his fingers tap against my clit, little slaps that hit it just right, I lose my mind.

We come together, Penn curling his chest against my back as he tells me he loves me over and over.

When we get home, the high from the weekend disappears fast.

“Sam did so amazing at his football game,” Margo says, beaming at Sam as we eat dinner together. “He scored twice!”

Penn lights up. “I heard. That’s my guy!”

Sam had called to let us know and the joy on his face when Penn told him how proud he was of him—priceless.

“And Winnie…” Margo smiles fondly. “She’s been showing us all the moves she learned at dance. She loves Wiggles & Whimsy, don’t you?”

Winnie nods excitedly.

Penn’s eyes flash toward me and my chest squeezes painfully. He knew I didn’t want to miss her first class at Wiggles & Whimsy.

“Will you show us everything you learned after dinner?” I ask Winnie.

She gets up and does a little lopsided twirl, her hair falling out of her messy bun. Her arms flail slightly, but her smile is so bright it hurts.

“That’s amazing,” I say, clapping. “You’re incredible.”

Winnie giggles and rushes toward Penn, grabbing his hand. “Do it with me!”

He humors her immediately, hopping up and taking her hands, spinning her around. She squeals, her face glowing.

“Okay, we better let dinner settle a little before we do too much twirling,” I say.

I try to sound lighthearted, but that familiar pressing has slid into my chest again.

Because I’m missing it.

I’m missing all of it.

I didn’t even know how badly I wanted this until they came into my life. Some days it blinds me how much I love the people at this table. Not to mention our furless creature. Jezebel is adjusting to home life, and she’s just one more in this household for me to love and miss.

We finish dinner and when Winnie starts to yawn, I take her upstairs and help her into bed. I sit beside her, brushing the hair from her face as her eyes start to flutter closed.

I should go to bed too, but I can’t seem to move.

I sit there long after she’s fallen asleep, tracing the line of her hair, her tiny hand curled against her cheek.

“I’m not going to let you down,” I whisper.

She doesn’t hear me, but I say it anyway.

“I promise.”