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CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

THE NEW ME

PENN

The days fly by in a blur of noise and quiet.

A strange contradiction that somehow makes sense.

The house is always full—full of noise when Sam and Addy and my parents are around, full of silence when Winnie is playing nearby.

Sometimes it feels like Addy and I are barely holding it together with Scotch tape and stubborn will, desperate to keep things from unraveling with one wrong move.

Mrs. Murphy let us know that Sam and Winnie can stay with us for now, so we don’t disrupt their routine. It still feels shaky and like the bottom could drop out from beneath us at any time.

We fall into bed each night, exhausted and hollow-eyed.

We fall into each other, and it’s always good—more than good.

It’s meaningful. Grounding. When everything else disappears and it’s just us.

Sometimes we fall asleep before we can escape into each other, and I’ll drift off with her head on my chest, feeling the warmth of her skin against mine, and that alone also feels meaningful and grounding.

Winnie still hasn’t spoken. To any of us.

It distresses Sam because he knows what she was like before she was hurt, but we all make note of the improvements, smiling at each other when she sits on the counter while Addy’s cooking and draws with her crayons, or when she comes over and sits next to me on the couch.

We all want so badly to make things better for her, but we know we can’t force it.

Her nightmares are infrequent now, which is a relief.

And her bedspread is lavender with unicorns and teddy bears covering the surface.

We might’ve gotten a little carried away.

She clicks her rainbow nightlight on every night before we take turns reading her stories.

Addy and I haven’t wanted to overwhelm Winnie, but we also want her to see how great the people in our lives are. Sam wants her to meet the kids too. He tells her about them and how much she’ll like everyone. And our friends are starting to push to get to know her better.

Weston

When do we get to officially meet Winnie?

Henley

I’ve nearly texted that every day this week.

Bowie

We’re trying not to overwhelm you guys, but we’d really like to get to know her.

Rhodes

And we miss you, man.

I miss you too. I seriously don’t know how you guys have been pulling all of this off for all this time.

Henley

Well, you’ve gotten a crash course in fast forward. We all had time to ease into this. I’m so fucking impressed with the way you and Addy have adapted so quickly.

Bowie

How is Addy?

She’s so great. But I’m worried about her. She’s exhausted, but she never ever complains. You know what? Let’s get together. Can we do something Tuesday?

Weston

It’s the only day we could do something.

Henley

Same.

Bowie

We’re in.

Rhodes

Us too.

I just thought we were living in chaos before.

Henley and Tru are the first to show up, Tru carrying a giant salad and macaroni and cheese, and Henley balancing drinks and Avery on his hip.

Weston and Sadie come next with Caleb, who tears through the house like he’s been mainlining sugar.

Rhodes and Elle follow with Levi and their bulldog, Bogey, Elle toting an oversized bag of snacks that she insists are “healthy-ish.” Bowie and Poppy arrive last, Bowie carrying Jonas and Poppy’s belly being all she needs to carry right now.

Becca’s carrying their Chinese crested dog, Martha, and it’s hard not to laugh every time I see that pup’s crazy hair.

It’s an instant party. The best kind.

Until Bogey starts chasing Levi and Caleb, and Martha barks at the commotion. My knee bounces as I stand next to Addy, both of us watching Winnie.

“Was this a bad idea?” I murmur. “Too much, too soon?”

Addy squeezes my hand. “I think she’ll be okay.

Just then, Martha plops down at Winnie’s feet and bends down to lick her bare toes. To our shock and utter delight, Winnie’s head falls back and she laughs. Out loud.

Addy, Sam, and I exchange shocked looks. Addy covers her mouth with her hand, her eyes filling with tears. I clear my throat, trying to dislodge the lump that’s forming. I had no idea I was going to turn into such a ball of emotions.

We introduce everyone and they all greet Winnie. She looks up shyly, taking it all in and laughs again when Bogey comes over to say hello too. Gracie, Henley’s youngest daughter, tugs Winnie’s hand, asking her to come play with them, and Addy and I share an excited look when she follows.

Later, when everyone’s packing up, I stand by the door with Rhodes and Weston. Henley’s trying to corral his girls, who are still running around with Sam and Winnie, and Bowie’s walking out with a sleeping Jonas in his arms as Poppy and Becca hug us goodbye.

Just then, Winnie runs over and hands me a flower she picked from the yard.

I take it and lean down, kissing her on the cheek. “Thank you,” I tell her.

She grins up at me and then runs off to join the kids again.

“This was good,” Rhodes says, clapping me on the back. “She’s coming out of her shell.”

“Yeah,” I say, feeling kind of stunned. “She is.”

“I left The Single Dad Playbook on the island,” Weston says.

I nod. “Can’t wait to catch up in there.”

After the last car pulls away and the house finally settles down, I sink onto the couch. Addy joins me, curling into my side. Winnie and Sam are already out cold in their rooms.

I pick up the book and open it up. Last time I read it, those guys were light-years ahead of me in the whole dad department. They always will be. I’m still barely figuring out how to make sure everyone is fed three meals a day without forgetting one, and that’s mostly thanks to Addy.

I flip to the new entries.

Penn, you are showing up in a way that has me in awe.

Damn, it is incredible to see you sacrificing

everything for these kids.

You’re not messing around.

Once you decided you were going to be a dad,

YOU WENT FOR IT.

Absolutely incredible.

~Bowie

That’s how I feel about Bowie. He was always an exceptional dad to his daughter Becca.

She has Down Syndrome and for the first nine years of her life, he raised her alone, like a true superhero.

And now he loves Poppy and has Jonas and another baby on the way, and he’s so happy.

I was so resistant to being in a relationship like that, even with seeing how my friends’ lives were changed for the better when they fell in love.

Now, I’m not so sure why I resisted for so long.

I hereby bequeath Penn Father of the Year.

~Weston

I chuckle and shake my head. Addy’s reading the entries along with me and she smiles up at me.

“It’s true, you know. You are.”

“I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.”

She leans her chin on my shoulder. “Did you hear the way she laughed tonight? Did you see the way Sam never stopped smiling?” She places a kiss on my chin. “You may not have a clue, but you’re still getting the job done.”

“Thanks to you,” I say, leaning in closer to kiss her.

We get lost in that for a few minutes and then she taps the book.

“There were more,” she says. “And then I vote we go to bed.”

“Yeah?” I say, eyes brightening. “Race you there?”

She laughs and then gasps.

I look down to where she’s pointing.

Our pretty boy has finally grown up.

He didn’t even announce it when he won

the Sexiest Man Alive title!

~Rhodes

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she says.

I lift a shoulder. “I’ve been too busy to think about it between practice and the kids.” I laugh and swipe my hand down my face. “I can’t believe how much my life has changed. I used to care about the stupidest things.”

“It’s not stupid. It’s fun and well-earned and true .”

I wave her off. “I like this life a lot better.”

“I like it a lot too,” she whispers.

I stand and reach down, picking her up. She laughs as I jog her up the stairs.

“I wasn’t done reading,” she says, giggling into my neck.

“That can wait. Let me show you just how much I like this life…with you ,” I tell her when I have her laid out on our bed.

I kiss my way down her body and make sure she has no doubts.

The Mustangs have won all their preseason games. We’ve finally found our groove again and it’s great. But it feels a little surreal that things are clicking so well on the field when everything off the field feels like sludging uphill in muddy water.

Tonight is our first game of the season and we win the game. 38-0.

“You’re playing better than you ever have,” Rhodes tells me as we’re walking to the family area afterward.

“You think so? Thanks, man,” I say, bumping his fist.

When we reach the room, I see Addy hustling to make sure all the bagged lunches are ready for the players and Winnie’s standing close to my mom’s side, her head tipped back as my mom talks to her. My dad and Sam are reenacting a play from the game and both are beaming.

Addy walks over when she sees me. “Such a great game!” she says excitedly.

I lean in and kiss her, something I can’t resist doing anymore, no matter who’s around. Never thought I’d be that man either, but her fucking lips are like a lifeline.

“Thank you, Siren,” I whisper.

I crouch down in front of Winnie and smile. “Did you like the game?”

She hesitates for a second, her green eyes flicking to mine.

Then she says, so quietly that I almost think I’ve imagined it, “Yes.”

You’d think she’d just quoted the periodic table from the way we all react. My mom gasps. My dad lets out a loud laugh. Sam’s eyes widen as he rushes toward her. Addy’s hand flies to her mouth.

“You liked it?” I repeat, just to see if she’ll say it again.

She bobs her head quickly.

“That’s awesome,” I say, my throat tight.

I reach out and squeeze her hand gently. She smiles at me and I have to blink really fast.

Addy slides her hand into my free hand. I glance over and see tears in her eyes, her lips trembling.

Winnie’s first word. After all this time. A small win, maybe, but it feels huge. Like we’ve just scaled the first ledge of a mountain.

Sam throws his arms around Winnie. “Told you it was fun!” he says, and she doesn’t pull away. He leans his head against hers. “I’ve missed hearing your voice, Winnie.” His eyes are glassy when he looks up at me, and God, I love that kid.

I’m still flying high when we get home. It was a Sunday afternoon game, so there’s still time in the day to hang out.

We walk inside and Winnie practically skips through the door, her curls bouncing as she pauses to hang her backpack on the hook.

I watch her flop onto the carpet, reaching for the basket of coloring books and markers that Addy bought for her.

She starts coloring without hesitation, her tongue peeking out at the corner of her mouth in concentration.

I sit down next to her, legs crossed. “Hey, Winnie?”

She looks up at me, her big eyes trusting. Her cheeks are rosier and more filled out than when she first came.

“Do you like it here?” I ask. “With us?” My voice feels too thick, like it’s stuck in a well.

She nods without hesitation. “I love it,” she says.

My throat tightens as her answer hits me square in the chest. My eyes burn and I swallow hard, trying to keep it together. “Yeah? That makes me really happy.”

She nods again, like it’s an obvious deduction, and gets lost in her coloring book again.

Later that night, when the kids are asleep and Addy and I have made up for some lost time this week by having sex in the shower and the bed afterward, she lies with her head on my chest, our fingers laced together. She fits against me, like she’s always belonged here.

“Addy?” I say quietly, in case she’s already asleep.

“Yeah?”

“I know all of this has gotten way bigger than when we started.” My thumb runs over her knuckles. “But where are you with things?”

She swallows hard. I feel her tense against me before her shoulders relax again.

“It’s been really hard and challenging, and I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been.

” She pulls back just enough to look at me, and her eyes are big and honest and absolutely gorgeous.

“But, Penn…” Her voice shakes a little. “I’m kind of loving this life we’re creating together. ”

I freeze.

“Really?” My voice cracks and my heart slams against my ribs.

She gives me that smile that always levels me. “Really.” And then she says, “What do you think about us committing to this long-term? You and me…and we try to adopt both of them?”

I swear I stop breathing.

The old me would have run. Hell, I would’ve never been here in the first place.

But this me, the one who’s won a game and done homework at the kitchen table all in the same day, the one who’s learning how to French braid hair even though I still suck…I want this more than I can explain.

“I…” My chest feels too full. “I’m kind of loving this life we’re creating together too.”

Her eyes gleam in the moonlight.

“And…” My throat works as I lift her hand to my mouth and kiss her fingers. “I’m kind of really loving you.”

Her breath stutters, and she launches herself at me, her arms tight around my neck as I bury my face in her shoulder.

“Me too,” she whispers. “Me too.”

“I love you,” I tell her.

“I love you too, Penn.”

I hold her tighter against me, feeling like maybe this is the life I was meant to have all along.