Page 40 of Clashing

“I don’t know what to say.” My legs weighed heavy as I stepped back from him.

I had to. One tiny show of affection shouldn’t make me want to curl up in his lap and be held.

Especially after what he’d said. The smallest contact made me crave his hugs—he gave damn good hugs—but I wasn’t a doormat.

“I . . . give me space. You ignoring my space isn’t helping. I’ll come to you when I’m ready.”

“Will you?”

I lifted a shoulder. “Probably. Like you said, I’m stupid.”

“I don’t think that, Scar. I was talking shit because I was mad at myself. You’re not stupid.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “You’re strong. I wish I were as strong as you.”

“Oh, I’m strong now?”

“Yeah, you are.” His gaze met mine, intense like it was when he brought out his unfiltered opinions.

“You didn’t let the dark shit make you paranoid about everything.

You didn’t let it turn you into an angry person who lashes out at the people you care about.

You’re bright and hopeful. It takes a lot of courage to be hopeful after seeing how dark the world is.

You overcame it better than I could hope to.

I wish I were more like you, Scar. You’re anything but stupid.

I’m the one who’s stupid. You’re incredible.

The most fucking amazing person I’ve ever met. ”

A cacophony of emotions screamed different advice from every angle. I couldn’t respond. I didn’t know how to. We stood there and all I could do was shift my weight from one foot to the other. My resolve slipped, but I wasn’t ready to give in.

“I don’t want you to think I don’t respect you.

You’ve said that before.” He flexed his hand.

“I respect the hell out of you. Me being a piece of shit has nothing to do with you. That has everything to do with me and my insecurities, but I don’t blame you for feeling like I don’t respect you after the way I acted.

So, as much as I really don’t fucking want to do this .

. .” He stepped back and sucked in a quivering breath, his tone uneven as he continued.

“Take your space. And know that I’ll wait for you.

I mean it. I’m done fucking things up. You’re too important to me.

I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll always want to fix this and be close to you again.

We’re forever, Scarlett.” My lips parted. “I know that in my bones.”

He tore his gaze from mine, hesitated, but walked away. I took an involuntary step toward him but didn’t take another. We were so toxic. I was surprised he was even capable of saying the things he said.

Part of me wanted to let him grovel and see if it eased the ache in my soul. My mind spun. He wanted to wait for me? We were forever? How could he say that when we weren’t anything? Worse, why did I feel like I knew it in my bones?

Conflicted and hurt, I forced my legs to move toward Dan’s house. If I let Ryker off the hook after how badly he wounded me, he’d always think that’s how it would be. So, I let him walk away. And I walked away, pretending every step didn’t tear another piece of my heart open.

I drank so I wouldn’t dwell on Ryker’s words. I didn’t know what to make of any of it and I was too exhausted to try. Instead, I drank with Dan and watched Thelma & Louise reruns.

Dan hadn’t been drinking much because of his medication. He only got cleared to drink a few days ago. The break chipped at his alcohol tolerance and around one in the morning, his snores overpowered the TV’s volume.

I never outdrink him. I sniggered for all the shit I’d give him tomorrow. Standing, I swayed and blinked. Not drunk, but definitely tipsy. I gathered the food we hadn’t eaten and put it away, but kept the whiskey to take back to my apartment.

I draped a flannel blanket off the couch over Dan before kissing his cheek. Once I turned off the TV, I tiptoed out.

Since it was a weekday, the bar didn’t stay open as late, and we never got much business after midnight.

I unlocked the back door and relocked it behind me.

Darkness enveloped my creaky trudge upstairs.

When I made it inside my apartment, I fell back against the door to shut it.

What a night. Massaging my temples, I pushed off the door and dropped my keys on the table.

The lock drew me back. Sighing, I twisted it and slumped my forehead against the cool surface.

Half of me wanted to replay the way Ryker sank to his knees for me.

The apology. The sincerity in his eyes and desperation in his voice.

The hurt part of me shied away from it to nurse the still fresh wound.

My throat burned as I took a big swig of whiskey and wandered toward my desk. My art supplies lay untouched the last several days. I needed to do some work for my upcoming display. The only thing I could show René right now were charcoals of Ryker.

I’d drawn him many times. In the first couple weeks we hooked up, I’d snuck out of bed and drawn him while he slept. I became so familiar with him, his expressions, his posture. His body claimed a permanent residence in my mind.

Those drawings got tucked away in hiding once Collin and I started dating.

Collin. I could draw him. Except I couldn’t.

I had to end it. The way I was with Ryker while dating Collin wasn’t okay.

Besides, I wasn’t in a place to be with anyone.

That meant I’d have to call him and set up a breakup date.

I hated breakup dates, but he’d been good to me. I owed him at least that.

A weight settled over my chest as I took another sip of whiskey. I glanced out the window, where maybe another person’s life was less of a mess. Someone out there had their life together, and I pretended that meant one day I would too. Maybe I’d even see one of them walk by. Maybe—

My brows pulled together, and I focused on a figure outlined below a flickering street lamp. A person. A person who stared up at my window. I leaned over my desk, squinting.

The whiskey fell from my fingers and shattered on the ground, spilling liquid everywhere. My heart stopped. The figure stepped forward, more into the light. Fear seized my body into a rigid state.

Todd.

No. He started walking, and I fumbled for my phone. I had a restraining order against him. He wasn’t allowed to be this close. I quickly dialed the police.

“Nine one one, what’s your emergency?” a woman answered.

“There—there’s a man outside my apartment.” I peered out the window, watching him draw closer to the bar, every step an acceleration to my heart rate. “Someone I have a restraining order against. He’s walking closer to the building.”

She asked me questions. I tried to stay calm while I gave her details. She pulled up the file from when he put me in the hospital. Promised she’d send a car. Offered to stay on the phone but it freaked me out more to think I’d be distracted if he made it inside.

He can’t get in. The doors downstairs were locked. My door was locked. I was panicking for no reason. No way he’ll break in.

Logically, I was safe. He couldn’t get into the bar and my apartment. Unless he could.

My wooden kitchen chair scraped along the ground as I dragged it to brace against the door.

I made sure it was snug, then backed away, white-knuckling my phone.

Fright spilled through my body like a paralyzing poison.

It crawled over every inch of my skin, freezing one muscle after another until I couldn’t move.

No matter how hard I breathed, I couldn’t take in the air I needed. I’d tried so hard not to let fear consume me after what happened. I’d tried not to be paranoid about everything. I didn’t want to give him that power. And yet, there I stood, consumed, my legs barely holding me up.

He can’t get in. He can’t get in. He can’t get in.

Glass shattered downstairs, and my blood turned to ice.

Okay, maybe he can. Hands shaking, I dialed the first number I thought of.

“Scarlett,” Ryker answered. “I’m glad you called. I—”

“Todd’s in the bar.” My voice croaked as hot tears streamed down my face.

Ryker’s tone dropped to a growl. “What?”

“He broke in. He broke in and—” The stairs creaked. “Oh, God. Ryker, he’s coming upstairs!”

“Baby, breathe for me, okay? Did you lock the door?”

“Yes.” I nodded. I didn’t know why. He couldn’t see me. “I braced it too.”

“That’s good, baby. You’re doing good.” His even tone almost tricked me into being less scared. How could he be calm right now? “Take a deep breath and grab two more chairs. You need to barricade yourself in your bathroom, okay? Brace your bedroom and bathroom doors. You can do this, Scarlett.”

I nodded again. Why was I nodding? I lunged for a chair, and the creaking on the stairs stopped. Knock. Knock. Knock. An involuntary whimper escaped me.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m going to be right there.” Ryker’s voice reminded me I was supposed to be moving, not freezing. “Get those doors braced. Take a knife from the kitchen. Worse comes to worse, you defend yourself.”

Oh God. I couldn’t process. Couldn’t understand through the racing thoughts tying my mind into complicated knots. “That’s so many things.”

Another knock. Todd’s angry voice oozed through the door. “Scarlett, open up.”

“Baby, listen. You gotta breathe.” Ryker’s tone was so much nicer. Calmer. Softer. “We gotta buy some time, okay? The more obstacles you give him, the more time it gives me to get there. You can do it, baby. You’re so damn strong.”

I nodded because apparently it didn’t matter he couldn’t see me, I couldn’t think straight. I took as deep a breath as I could manage and followed it up with several more.

“Good girl.” Ryker’s reassurance made the next breath easier. “Now, get a knife from the kitchen.”

I almost tripped over my own feet as I scrambled for a knife, cursing myself for refusing to let Dan give me a gun to keep in the apartment. They made me so uncomfortable, but right now, I wished I could shoot Todd through the door.

“Scarlett!” Todd beat on the door so hard I jumped and dropped my phone.

When I picked it up, Ryker’s panicked voice awaited. “Scarlett! Baby, are you okay? Talk to me.”

“I’m fine. I dropped my phone.”

“ Fuck ,” he spat. “Okay, Scar, grab two chairs and go to your bedroom.”

“Okay. Hold on.”

I tucked my phone into my back pocket and dragged two chairs into the bedroom. I braced one against the locked door. Once I’d done the same thing in the bathroom, I gripped the knife and backed away.

Heart thundering, I retrieved my phone and pressed it to my ear. “O-okay. I did it.”

“Good. I’m almost there, baby. Keep breathing. It’s going to be okay.”

My voice quivered and more tears spilled down my cheeks. “I called the police.”

“That’s good, Scarlett. I’m so proud of you.

” I choked on a sob. “I know, baby. I know you’re scared, but it’s going to be okay.

You’re so strong, and you did everything right.

” His voice was so soothing. How the fuck was he pulling that off in a situation like this? “Breathe, baby. I’m almost there.”

A loud thud and slam startled me. I almost dropped my phone but clutched it tighter and pressed myself against the wall farthest from the door. “He’s trying to get in.”

“He’s not getting to you before I do, Scarlett. No way.” His confidence eased a fraction of my fears. “He can’t. It’s too much shit for one person to get through that fast. I’m so close, baby. Hang on.”

I stared at the door and fought the awful memories trying to resurface. “I’m scared.”

“I’m pulling into the parking lot right now. I’ve got you. He won’t lay a finger on you ever again, all right? I won’t fucking let him. I—”

A loud crash and crackling wood paralyzed my body. Todd’s shouts grew louder.

Closer.

He was in the apartment, banging on my bedroom door.