Page 39 of Clashing

Chapter thirty

Buying Time

Scarlett

I lied about being on my period, so Collin stayed away. He wasn’t Ryker. Like every other guy I’d dated, he left me alone, no questions asked. I’d hardly heard from him since. Though I wasn’t menstruating, I might’ve preferred that.

I thought I knew heartbreak when Ryker told me he didn’t have feelings for me. That was nothing . This hurt cracked down to my soul. He took one of my most vulnerable moments and threw it in my face. Made me feel small. Made me feel stupid, like it was my fault.

Tears flowed endlessly. My chest was sore from sobbing. My throat tender. My eyes swelled shut and my head throbbed from too much crying. My lungs constricted to the point I couldn’t remember how it felt to breathe without pain.

I knew Ryker had issues. He’d been through a lot, but trauma didn’t excuse cruel behavior.

Days passed, and I finally stopped crying, though I wasn’t in great shape. I lay on the couch, staring at a switched-off TV, and pondered what about myself I needed to fix so I’d stop being an asshole magnet.

Ryker called. About a hundred and fifty times.

He called and texted nonstop since I left his house.

I deleted every text and voicemail without reading or listening because nothing excused the way he’d treated me.

He came to my apartment several nights in a row, but I’d actually locked the door.

His annoying persistence backfired because I didn’t acknowledge a single time he knocked.

I’d barely seen Dan, who wasn’t fully mobile.

Disappearing under my blankets forever wasn’t an option.

Dan’s worry made me get myself up. Although I would’ve liked to couch-rot forever, I showered and dressed.

Before leaving, I descended into numbness so I wouldn’t cry if I ran into Ryker on my way to Dan’s.

I didn’t bother with makeup. Sweats and messy hair had never been a problem for the only man in my life I’d been able to depend on.

I walked to his house with my arms wrapped around myself, hoping he’d accept that I was having an extra bad period and not pry.

Inside, the murmur of his TV led me to where he’d been spending most of his time.

He didn’t have a lot else to do while healing.

“Scar.” Dan sat up straighter when I entered the living room. “You okay?”

Didn’t I say I was numb? So why did him asking that fill my eyes with tears?

“Oh, honey.” He set his beer down and opened his arms. “What’s wrong?”

I crawled onto the couch, laying my head on his lap and hiding my face as the tears returned. Again. When will I run out?

“What’s wrong?” He rubbed soothing circles on my back. “Talk to me, honey.”

“It’s nothing,” I cried. “I’m having the worst period. I feel like shit.”

“Doesn’t seem like that’s all it is. Did you fight with Collin?”

“No. I’m having a bad emotion day.”

One of the many good things about Dan? He pushed when he needed to and never did when I couldn’t handle it.

He didn’t ask again. Instead, he stroked my back while I cried.

Eventually, I stopped, and he told me to order us takeout and that my favorite ice cream was in the freezer.

It always was because he was amazing. My life might fall apart, but I’d always have Dan.

We ordered Chinese and I rested my head against him while we waited for it to arrive. Dan draped an arm over my shoulders and let us watch TV until he came up with a solution I believed to be a guise to get me to talk.

“You need a drink?” he asked.

“God, yes.” I didn’t care if it was a guise. I wouldn’t talk to him about Ryker. Nothing could make me that stupid.

“I’m almost out.” Dan gestured to the nearly empty bottle resting on the coffee table. “Do you wanna get a bottle from the bar?”

I stretched as I stood. “Okay.”

I paused at the bathroom to check my reflection in the mirror.

Messy hair and puffy eyes, but it was Wednesday, so the bar wouldn’t be full.

I hope Ryker’s not there. His presence during the week had always been erratic.

I crept through the back and peered around the corner.

Thank fuck Ryker’s usual chair sat empty.

Sneaking into the supply room, I nabbed a bottle of my and Dan’s favorite whiskey and escaped without anyone noticing.

I shuffled out the rear door but paused when it didn’t crash shut behind me.

I glanced back. Ryker stood a few feet away and my spine straightened.

I snapped my gaze forward and sped-walked toward Dan’s house.

“Scarlett, wait.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” I muttered, hugging the whiskey to my aching chest.

Ryker stepped in front of me and widened the crack in my heart.

“Ryker, fuck off,” I snapped. “I mean it. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“I’m sorry, Scarlett.” His expression crumpled, though not nearly as badly as my soul had. “What I said was fucked up. I didn’t mean it and I don’t think it. I was angry and it was stupid. I’m so sorry.”

“Apology not accepted.” I sidestepped him, but he moved in front of me again. The devastated look in his eyes almost matched mine, but the wound bled too freely to give in.

“Scarlett, I’m so desperately sorry.” He flattened his palms together in a plea.

“What can I do? I’ll do anything. Baby, it was wrong and untrue and not fair.

It was a fucked-up thing to say. I don’t think any of what I said.

I wasn’t in my right mind, and I’m sorry.

I wish I could take it back. Let me make it up to you.

Tell me what to do, Scarlett. I’ll do anything . ”

“You can’t make that up to me, Ryker,” I seethed and stormed past him. “How can you possibly make that up to me?”

“I’m aware how fucking awful I was.” He caught my arm and twisted me toward him.

“I don’t for one second think what I said was true or acceptable.

It absolutely wasn’t. I regretted it the instant it left my mouth.

” He raked his hand through his messy hair.

“Everything’s so much more intense with you.

Not that it’s your fault,” he added quickly.

“It’s my fault. There’s no way to justify what I said.

I’m so fucking sorry. I hate myself for doing that to you. ”

I wrapped my arms around my waist, though it wouldn’t hold me together. “Why did you say it?”

“I don’t have a reason, Scarlett. I was ashamed and embarrassed and convinced myself the bigger issue that morning was you not taking precautions because it was easier to focus on.

I was angry at myself but convinced myself I was angry at you.

It was easier than admitting that I—” He shook his head and looked away.

“That you what?”

“That I needed you.” Eyes as blue as my battered heart clumped emotion in my throat. “I don’t like needing people but that night, I needed you. I’ve never let anyone close to me like that, Scar. No one. No one’s ever seen me have an episode. No one else knows that story.”

I said nothing. Both because he wasn’t done, and I didn’t know what to say.

“It scared the shit out of me,” he whispered, meeting my gaze.

“That you could calm me down and that I could say what happened out loud. It scared the shit out of me that I actually felt good when I woke up with you. It scared the shit out of me that I could’ve hurt you because you may trust me, Scarlett, but I don’t fucking trust me.

The thought I could’ve hurt you fucked me up so much I took it out on you.

” His shoulders drooped. “Then I hurt you anyway. What I said was bullshit. Not the truth. Not warranted.” My heart pounded in agony at his glistening eyes. “I’m sorry, Scarlett.”

I swallowed, uncertain how to respond. We were both too emotionally charged for a mature discussion, and I wasn’t about to fight with him again. I couldn’t handle more pain. I couldn’t handle this .

“Okay.” I blew out a puff of air. “You’re sorry. Dan’s expecting me.”

“You’re going to hate me forever, aren’t you?” His vulnerable tone rattled me, though it changed nothing.

I was tired of being hurt and didn’t trust him not to make it worse. “I don’t know.” I shifted my weight. “I need time, Ryker. That wounded me. More than you understand.”

“Help me understand.” He reached for my hands.

“I’ll do anything to get you back. I’ll do anything to make this better.

Scarlett, I’m such a fucking idiot sometimes, but I swear you’re important to me.

You have no idea how important. I never want to be the reason you cry.

Tell me what to do. I fucked up so bad, I’d do anything to fix this.

You want me on my knees?” I sucked in a breath when he sank to his knees, begging for something I couldn’t give right now.

“I’ll get on my knees every damn day, Scarlett.

There’s no limit to what I’ll do to get you back. ”

“What does that even mean? We weren’t together and you told me you didn’t want to be friends.

So what does having me back mean? I can’t do this weird back and forth with you.

I can’t do this lashing out bullshit. Pick a fucking speed, Ryker.

You can’t tell me we’re friends one second, then try to kiss me the next, then be unbelievably cruel the next. ”

He stood on unsteady legs. “I want to be here for you like you let me before. I want to hold you. I want you around. I was stupid for saying I didn’t.

Scar, I want you, all right? I want to be good to you.

I want to make up for my shitty behavior.

Fuck, I’ll go back to therapy and work every second of the day to become someone good for you.

I’ll do anything .” I resisted the shiver when he tucked my hair behind my ear.

“I want to be the reason you’re happy. I’ll take you however I can get you, Scarlett.

I’ll be your friend if that’s what you want, or if you want more, I’m in.

The only thing I can’t do is not have you in my life. ”