Page 38 of Clashing

Chapter twenty-nine

Crossing the Line

Ryker

W aking up to Scarlett’s perfume for real instead of clinging to the scent she left in my sheets relaxed my muscles. Liquid warmth spilled through my exhausted nerves. Maybe I’m asleep. Maybe I’m dreaming. I didn’t want to find out.

Mustering the courage, I opened my eyes.

My face rested against her soft chest. Internally, I groaned at the comfort of her supple skin.

All this time, I let her sleep in my chest when I should’ve been taking advantage of hers.

Glancing up, I found her deep in slumber.

Dark lashes fanned out over cheeks that I missed watching turn red.

All that time you had to appreciate her, and you didn’t, you damn fool.

Regret for letting her slip away twisted knots in my gut. I wanted to appreciate every part of her. Her small details, her passion, what her muse was. I wanted all of her.

Not a dream. She was here. Grayson lay beside her with his head nestled over her shoulder against her neck, also asleep. Demon’s familiar presence against my back almost elicited a smile.

Almost.

Memories from the night before flooded my mind until I drowned in humiliation. I’d never let anyone see me like that. I’d never told anyone what happened overseas. Panic and shame twisted nausea to the point bile crawled up my throat. I fucking cried . She’d never respect me again.

I disentangled from her, ignoring Demon’s light whine as he moved so I could shimmy away.

Sitting up, I scrubbed my hands over my face.

A loose curl dangled across Scarlett’s cheek, and I traced it while I cursed myself.

I was such a fucking idiot. So weak . What would she think of me?

I didn’t want to know. Things were already bad between us, but now ?

I lost my last chance of ever getting her back. She’d learned what a piece of shit I was. It was over.

The sun crept above the horizon, providing hope for those who deserved it.

It would’ve been a beautiful morning, waking up in fresh air with Scarlett in my arms and the dogs lying next to us.

Except I ruined it. Like I ruined us. I clenched my fist and wished I could clone myself to beat the crap out of me.

I hated showing weakness around anyone, especially the person whose opinion mattered the most.

Sighing, I bent my knees and dropped my head between them, then laced my fingers over the back of my skull. Same position as last night. I should’ve been able to handle the stupid fucking fireworks. I expected them. So why couldn’t I fucking ground myself? It’d been three years. When would it end?

Anger simmered in my veins. At first, anger at me.

Then anger at her. She was so reckless last night.

I wasn’t in my right mind. Other guys had hit people who tried to comfort them.

They’d hit people they cared about because they’d gotten stuck in a memory and reflexively swung.

I could’ve hurt her. She was so fucking stubborn.

This girl had no goddamn sense of self-preservation.

I’d bet money her apartment was unlocked.

“Hey.” Her soft, sweet voice both fueled the rage and calmed it. Calmed because her voice could soothe every bad thing that’d ever happened. Fueled because it reminded me how easily she could’ve gotten hurt last night because she didn’t fucking listen when I told her to get away from me.

She squeezed my shoulder and once again, I bounced back and forth between extremes. Her touch relaxed and tensed me. Always a game of extremes with her. Dammit, why did she never prioritize her own safety? Why did she never think of herself?

She rubbed my back. I didn’t deserve it. She shouldn’t be here. She should be somewhere safe. “You okay?”

I snapped my head up, frustration narrowing my eyes. “No, I’m not fucking okay, Scarlett. What the hell were you thinking?”

Her hand retracted, her mouth open. Silence fell between us and guilt crept up my spine, but I was tired of her doing reckless shit when she wasn’t stupid.

“Ryker.” Her brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” My fists clenched and cracked the dried blood from punching the wall last night.

Right in front of her. I shouldn’t have done that and the fact I did proved I was way too out of control for her to be vulnerable around me.

I hopped out of the truck. “What’s wrong is you can be so fucking dense. ”

Worry lines creasing her forehead, Scarlett climbed out of the truck bed. “Are you mad at me?”

I couldn’t look her in the eye. Shame, frustration, and concern all converged to a dangerous point. I was angry at me. At her. She shouldn’t have taken that risk last night.

Fuck, stop being unfair. I needed to calm down. Only this woman propelled me from zero to a hundred so fast.

I dropped my forehead against the passenger window, craving the coolness to counteract the hot anger. Don’t be an idiot, Ryker. Don’t lose your shit on her.

I closed my eyes. Tried to get my breathing even.

One deep breath after the next. My anger with her was misplaced.

She worried me all the damn time, and while I couldn’t stop her from getting hurt ever again, the thought she could be hurt by me was too much to handle.

I’d already done that, and I’d have to take a fucking gun to my head if I did it again.

Breathe. She probably doesn’t realize how dangerous last night could’ve been. She was trying to help, like always. And like before, I was ruining it. Don’t be an asshole. You could have a real chance with her again. Bull-fucking-shit. Not after I told her what I’d done.

Breathe. I waited until the adrenaline stopped vibrating in my blood. The fight response subsided to a reasonable worry I could ignore until I got home. Thankfully, Scarlett stood quietly. Didn’t try to make me talk. I couldn’t have handled her talking while I calmed down.

My eyes fluttered open and I took one last deep inhale. When I released it, the shine of sunlight reflecting off metal on the passenger seat caught my attention.

Her keys. Sitting on the passenger seat for anyone to steal. I yanked open the door and a muscle in my jaw pulsed. Unlocked. For fuck’s sake, am I the only person who gives a shit about her safety?

“Dammit Scarlett, do you want to get hurt?” I waved the keys at her as she approached.

She froze, hurt flashing in her eyes. “What’s going on with you? Why are you acting like this?”

“Because you’re being fucking stupid.” I snatched her wrist and pulled her toward the passenger seat. I needed to get out of there. The combination of emotions I normally shoved down was a bad situation—add in a woman who got under my skin like she had her own private entrance?

“Ryker, what the hell? Are you mad because of how I saw you last night? I won’t tell anyone. That stays between us.”

Picking her up, I plopped her in the truck. “That’s not the fucking point.”

I slammed the door before she said anything.

The dogs whined. I ignored them and circled to the driver’s side.

An alarm in my brain went off. You know when you ignore the dogs’ whines, nothing good happens.

They whined to warn me I’d reached a breaking point, but I didn’t have anywhere to fucking break.

I had to get home. I had to get Scarlett away from me before the shrapnel from my inevitable explosion cut into her.

A mission made more complicated when I had no choice but to sit beside my greatest weakness and greatest igniter. I climbed into the truck, and she twisted toward me, lips pressed together and arms crossed.

“How about instead of freaking out, you tell me why you’re so mad?”

“I don’t know, Scarlett.” The engine roared to life. “Maybe it’s because of how fucking reckless you are.”

“I’m not reckless. You can’t be this mad about keys.

Jesus, Ryker, we were in the truck with guard dogs .

” She jabbed her thumb back at the window where Demon and Grayson watched from the other side of the glass.

“You think with Demon and Grayson here, someone would’ve approached the truck, gotten in, gotten the keys, and .

. . what? Driven away with us? What could’ve happened? ”

What could’ve happened? The question screamed through my mind when I’d sat beside that kid’s body.

I fired at adults, not a child. What could’ve happened to put him in the crossfire?

I asked it over and over again because I needed a reason.

I needed something else to blame, but I was the only one responsible.

That kid shouldn’t have been there. Goddammit.

“Anything!” I yelled and brought my fist down on the horn as I sped over a dirt road.

“Fucking anything , Scarlett. You should always be ready for the worst-case scenario. Always. The second you aren’t, you get fucked.

And you’re so fucking unprepared and trusting that you’re going to get fucked over by the world a thousand times if you don’t learn some fucking self-preservation. ”

I pulled onto a real road instead of a dirt one. Signs from the highway pointed me in the right direction, and I sped onto it, pedal to the floor. I had to get home. Tremors started in my hands. That rage within me, the world, everything , became too fucking loud to think clearly.

Heavy, roaring silence dominated the truck for the entire drive. I couldn’t decide if that was good or bad. Bad because the tension radiating off Scarlett was palpable. Good because I wasn’t in my right mind and the last thing I wanted was to push her further away.

So why do you keep doing it? I didn’t know. Maybe because if I pushed her away, it didn’t hurt as badly as her choosing to leave.

Not until we turned down my private road did she speak.

“I’m sorry you’ve been through so much that you feel the need to be ready for the worst all the time.

That must be exhausting.” She massaged her temples.

“I understand you’re going through a lot, but you don’t need to yell at me.

Can’t you talk to me?” Warm fingers curled around my arm.

“I know you’re probably embarrassed but you don’t need to be, okay?

Nothing has changed about how I see you. Nothing. ”

It should. “I have nothing to fucking say to you. You’re so reckless it’s infuriating.”

“I’m not reckless,” she snapped. “Stop saying that.”

“Stop acting like it, and I won’t say it.”

“Oh my God. Why are you mad at me? Seriously, why? It can’t be because of the keys. For once, tell me what you’re feeling.”

“I’m feeling pissed off.” My hands cramped from gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

“Pissed off because you’re so fucking na?ve.

I could’ve hurt you last night. How can you not see that?

I could’ve physically hurt you, Scarlett.

You can’t fucking trust someone who’s having an episode like that.

You have to let it happen. You can’t play savior.

It isn’t safe. Not with someone like me. ”

“You wouldn’t hurt me. I trust you. I’m sorry that you don’t trust you, but I trust you, Ryker.”

I parked in front of my house and twisted toward her, rage boiling through my veins, elevating the frustration. Trust me? How could she trust me? This woman needed a better trust radar.

“You trusting me in a moment like that is unbelievably fucking stupid.” I gritted my teeth. “I’m trained to react quickly, Scarlett. I might’ve reacted and hurt you. It’s like you want to be hurt.”

“I don’t want to be hurt.” She threw her arms up.

“You’ve never given me reason to think you’d physically hurt me.

You’d never be that far gone. That’s not you.

Maybe other guys do that, but you wouldn’t.

And nothing happened so why are you again focusing on what could have happened instead of what actually did? ”

“Because you have to be ready for that shit! You have to be ready for the worst. Who leaves keys sitting in their unlocked car while they’re unconscious?

Who does that! Is your apartment locked right now?

For fuck’s sake, Scarlett, it’s like you intentionally set yourself up to get hurt when you’ve already been hurt and should know better.

Stop being so fucking stupid about basic safety, and I won’t be so goddamn mad. ”

She sucked in a breath. A sound that reminded me of someone being stabbed. They didn’t scream. They gasped.

You fucking idiot. How could you say that to her! I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. As if any of it was her fault. I didn’t for one second believe what happened to her was her fault, but my word choice didn’t convey that.

I thought I’d seen her hurt. I was wrong. This was so much worse.

I wanted her to yell. I deserved for her to yell and scream at me for uttering such horrible words. But she didn’t. She stared at me like she couldn’t believe what I’d said. I couldn’t either. How could I say that after how good she treated me?

“Scarlett.” My chest caved in and every nerve in my body pricked with deserved pain. “Baby, I’m sor—”

“Get out of my truck, Ryker.” Although calm, her voice quivered.

“Scarlett . . .” I reached for her, but she jerked back. “I’m sorry, I—”

“Get. Out.”

“Scar—”

“I’m not stupid.” Her sharp, hurt tone pierced my rapidly disintegrating heart. Her voice trembled, eyes red and glistening. “Stop talking to me like this. A locked door is what kept me from escaping when Todd attacked me, you asshole .”

Oh fuck. Oh no.

“So, forgive me if I get uneasy locking doors now. Just because I don’t take care of myself the way you think I should, doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”

“No, I know. I know you’re not. I’m so fucking sorry, I—”

“Get out.”

“Scarlett, please—”

“Get out!” she screamed, tears spilling—each one a punch to the gut.

Scarlett covered her face with her hands, her shoulders quaking. I couldn’t leave her like this. I couldn’t . I barely touched her shoulder, and she shrugged it off.

“Get out,” she choked, shoving my arm. “Right now.”

I didn’t want to, but I was the reason for her pain.

She’d looked out for me last night and I fucking hurt her.

I exited the truck. She didn’t move until I finally coaxed the dogs out.

I opened my mouth to say I was sorry, but she scooted over to the driver’s side, glanced over her shoulder, backed out of my driveway with a squeal, and sped away, dust kicking up behind her wheels.

She didn’t look at me. Not once. And I couldn’t blame her.

I was such a fucking prick. This was what fucking up looked like.

This was crossing the line.