Page 29 of Clashing

Chapter twenty-one

Worth the Risk

Ryker

L ife without Scarlett was unbearable. Before we stopped, I slept well half the week. Without her, I was back to nightmares and tossing and turning. Back to doom and gloom. Back to storm clouds without the bursts of lightning she emitted.

A whole week passed without seeing her. She said she could be normal but avoided me. I didn’t see her until the day her mother arrived, and she was so excited to see her mom, she didn’t notice me.

Then she did, and it was awkward as fuck. I wanted our banter. I missed her attitude and sass, missed everything about her that had driven me nuts.

Even my dogs missed her. Every time I came home, they’d wait at the garage door like they expected her to show up. It irked me. Why were they so attached? She was only here a few times a week at most.

Not anymore.

I caught glimpses of her on her way to art class. She spent a lot of time at the house with her mom and Dan. I’d see her return to her apartment at around eleven each night. If she looked at me, she’d offer a timid smile.

I hated the fake cordiality. Most of all, I hated how much I missed her.

Not because I wanted her body, which I did.

Badly. But more than anything, I wanted our normal.

I wanted her sarcastic remarks and ferocity.

I wanted to fight with her, piss her off, have her piss me off.

I wanted us to yell at each other, then make up in bed like we’d done over the last few months.

The following Sunday was Father’s Day, and a lot of our crowd stayed home with their children.

Some brought their kids with them if they were over twenty-one.

I didn’t see Scarlett and didn’t expect to.

I’d stopped in to visit Dan and he feigned annoyance that Scarlett insisted on doing Father’s Day for him every year.

“She makes too big a deal out of it,” he grumbled while her mom, Diana, smirked a knowing smile.

For all his complaining, he was excited to see what she did for him this year and I swallowed back a throb in my chest because I already knew what she’d done. That charcoal drawing of Roxy. Just like that, I was transported to before we ended things.

All that to say, since I wouldn’t see her going up and down the stairs or working the bar like she usually did on Sunday, I almost didn’t bother coming in. However, Fred, one of our guys, got real depressed on Father’s Day.

He refused to discuss it, but his daughter had died overseas serving in the Air Force. No one knew her name. Fred was closed off about it. But I wasn’t stupid. On a day like this, he shouldn’t be alone. So, he sat at the bar with me, and we drank and talked like normal.

In fact, more guys sat at the bar to be closer to Fred. They cracked jokes and got half-assed chuckles out of him. Better than nothing. Even my spirits lifted a little until—

She walked in.

A white sundress clung to her curves and complemented her golden skin. Damn, she looks good in white. She approached us and gave me a small nod before addressing Fred.

“Here,” she said, extending a box with a card on top.

Fred stared. Blinked. Spun on his barstool to face her. His lips twisted down and our whole group silenced.

“Just because your daughter’s an angel daughter doesn’t mean you’re not still a dad.” She pecked him on the cheek, then opened the small box. “Happy Father’s Day.”

A cupcake read Happy Father’s Day in elegant blue frosting. He made no move. She set the cupcake on the bar and held out the card. I almost thought he wouldn’t take it, but he did. He opened it, and for the first time in my life, I thought he might cry.

“Thanks, Scarlett.” We all pretended we didn’t hear the waver in his voice.

She threw her arms around him. He hugged her while we snapped our open mouths shut. Fred never showed affection, nor did he respond well to anyone bringing up his daughter. But Scarlett hugged him, and he hugged her back, and the rest of us gawked like baffled weirdos.

As if that wasn’t surprise enough, when she pulled away and turned to leave, he spoke up. “Do you want to see a picture of her?”

Someone nudged me but I didn’t move. Scarlett faced him, expression soft and welcoming. She nodded and the two of them sat at a table where he pulled a picture out of his wallet.

“How did she do that?” Nick asked, staring after them.

She’s a fucking angel. “I have no idea.”

No one had ever managed to get Fred to talk, but there he was. Talking. Sharing pictures and almost smiling. God. That open heart of Scarlett’s drew people in.

The guys shot me a look every time I glanced her way.

I scowled at them to no avail. Unable to handle so many pairs of eyes saying why the fuck would you let her get away , I found solace in the bathroom.

Splashed cold water on my face and tried to remind myself—and my dick—that it was over.

I couldn’t have her, and I needed to let it go.

The universe must’ve wanted to punish me because I exited the bathroom at the same time Scarlett started down the hallway. We awkwardly sidestepped each other and she gave me another one of those shy smiles.

I hate this.

I had to walk past and ignore how gorgeous she was. With much effort, I tried. But I couldn’t ignore the other thing.

I paused and flexed my unsteady hands. “Scar?”

She stopped.

“Thanks for doing that for Fred. He doesn’t usually open up like that.”

She lifted a shoulder. “Sometimes it takes the right person with the right words.”

Right. She was definitely the right person. And I was the wrong one.

I nodded and kept walking because looking at her was too fucking difficult. Returning to the bar, I ordered another drink. Then another, ineffectively trying to erase the image of her in that dress.

“You think drinking is going to help?” Francis asked, taking the seat next to me.

“Don’t fucking start.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Francis pushed my drink away. “Go fucking get her.”

“I can’t.” I snatched my glass.

“Yes, you can. You’re being a coward.”

“I’m not being a coward. It’s best for her. I’m not good for her. Drop it.”

“Pretty sure it’s her decision to make on whether or not you’re good for her.” He shook his head and stood. “A girl like that does not stay available, Ryker. And you’re going to feel like shit the day she shows up with another guy when that guy could’ve been you.”

He left me there alone. Pissed off. Frustrated. Hurting. I pulled out my wallet and dropped cash on the bar, unable to take anyone else’s shit today.

Going home without Scarlett on a Sunday plunged me deeper into depression. She always came home with me on Sundays. I entered the garage, and the fucking dogs sniffed around my motorcycle then stared out the door expectantly.

“For fuck’s sake, she’s never been here without me.” They whined. “If she were here, she’d be here when I pull in.”

They didn’t care. Instead, they lay on the ground and watched down the road.

“Fucking traitors, I swear.” I yanked open the door, then trudged upstairs.

A bottle of scotch later, I stumbled to bed. My phone pinged. A message from Nick that made me throw my phone on the ground because it wasn’t her . I fell back on my mattress and my stomach sank at the scent of Scarlett’s perfume lingering on the sheets. I couldn’t escape her.

I don’t want to escape her.

My phone vibrated again and a small, delusional part of me hoped it’d be her. Groaning, I rolled over and retrieved my phone from the floor. No Scarlett. Only a message from Francis. I dropped my phone, and it thudded on the ground.

Fuck, I should answer one of them. Otherwise, they might show up at my house. I reached blindly and patted the ground. Instead of finding my phone, I found something softer. Lifting the object, my heart skipped. A hair tie of Scarlett’s.

“Give me a fucking break.” I hurled it under the bed before flopping down in my empty, cold sheets.

The bed didn’t offer much rest by the time sunlight filtered in my windows. I threw myself into work, getting as many bounties as I could in one week. Conrad was happy but it changed nothing for me.

I went to the bar on Thursday but spotted her from the street, gliding to Dan’s house with a covered pan in her hands. Probably cooking him dinner because that pain in the ass was also a complete sweetheart when she wanted to be.

I couldn’t fucking take it. I drove home and sat on the couch with the dogs. They laid their heads in my lap and looked up at me with sad puppy eyes they should’ve outgrown by now.

“What?” I snapped.

Demon whined.

“Shut up.” I reached for a bottle of scotch.

Grayson whined.

“Let it go. Both of you.”

They both whined.

“I can’t have her, all right? She’s too good for me. What do you want from me?”

Demon snorted and laid his head in my lap again. The fucking jerk. I stared at the TV I hadn’t bothered to turn on. Most of my free time recently had been spent with her. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Grayson whined again and I patted his head. It spoke volumes that they could tell I was upset. Not because they couldn’t always, but because that made it evident what bad shape I was in.

Was I that terrible for her? She didn’t think so. She said I always showed up. But she didn’t know my dark secrets. What if she can’t handle them? What if she learned that shit and was done? Then there was the nagging thought in the back of my mind. Isn’t she worth the risk?

She absolutely was.

“Fine.” I petted the dogs’ heads as I stood. “You win.”

I was too drunk to do this with her tonight, so I staggered to bed and formed a plan to talk to her the next day. She had worked Fridays before but since her class started, her schedule changed. Still, I could catch her coming home from Dan’s.

Except, what do I say? I wasn’t good with words. I tried to come up with a speech, but it sounded like such bullshit. After writing several different options, I crumpled them all and buried them at the bottom of my trash can. The words would come to me when I saw her.

I’d been to Dan’s bar a hundred times and sat on the same stool, yet that night, I couldn’t stop fidgeting.

I drummed my fingers against the bar while I waited.

She usually showed up after her class before going to Dan’s place.

I tried not to fixate on the time or the hallway.

I was only on my second glass when Dan appeared down the hallway, being wheeled by Diana.

My eyebrows shot up. “Danny.”

“Hey.” An easygoing grin he only had around Scarlett and Diana stretched across his face. “Thought I’d see how it’s going over here. I needed to get out of that fucking house.”

I chuckled and stood to shake his hand. “I don’t blame you. Nice to see you moving around.”

Several people flocked to Danny. Followed him to the table Diana claimed. Isolating Scarlett wouldn’t be easy. I’d have to wait until Danny was gone, then if Scarlett wanted to try this with me, I’d let her decide how to tell him.

If she still wanted me.

Time crawled and she didn’t show. I needed to see her, even if it wasn’t the right moment to talk. I sipped my drink, and a hand landed on my shoulder. I didn’t need to look—I recognized those long nails.

I shrugged off her hand. “Natalia.” Shit. Her timing couldn’t be worse.

“Ryker,” she said smoothly, taking the seat next to me and rubbing my leg.

Not good timing at all. Natalia and I usually hooked up whenever she was in town for work.

She was married, but her husband was a tool who cheated on her constantly.

As she sat, I remembered she’d texted me earlier this week and told me she’d be here.

I’d ignored it because I was hoping it was a message from Scarlett.

“You didn’t answer but I figured you’d be around.” She inclined her head to the door. “Wanna get out of here?”

“Not tonight, Nat.” I pushed her hand off my leg. “Sorry.”

Her lips pulled down. “Why?”

“There’s—ah, fuck. There’s a girl, all right?”

“You don’t settle down.”

“Not usually.”

“So . . .” she asked, fingers trailing up to my shoulder.

“So,” I removed her hand from my arm, “she’s different.”

“Oh, come on, Ryker. We’re good together. It’s only physical. Are you in a relationship?”

“No, but I might end up in one if I don’t fuck it up. Back off, Nat. I mean it.”

“I never thought I’d see the day,” she said, shaking her head as she stood. She leaned over my shoulder. I was going to push her away but then she whispered in my ear, “I’m having a shitty week. At least drive me to my hotel. I took a cab here.”

Her voice cracked, and I cursed because I couldn’t say no. Not with how fucked up her situation was.

“Fine.” I exhaled and stood. “What happened now?”

“Nothing new. Another case of I’m not doing enough for him. I need to get another surgery. I need this and that.”

She acted like it didn’t bother her, but it did. Asshole constantly put her down, told her she needed to change to be good enough for him. I felt bad and rested my hand on her back on our way out.

“I’m sorry, Nat. When are you going to divorce him?”

“I have a lawyer working on the papers.”

I focused on my motorcycle so I wouldn’t roll my eyes. “Right.” I’d heard that before.

“I’m really going to do it this time.”

“Good.” I passed her my helmet. “I hope you do.”

“I am. I mean it.”

“Good.” I mounted my bike. “Then do it.”

She pulled the helmet on and climbed on behind me. “You think I’m full of shit.”

“I hope you’re not this time.”

The plan was to take her to her usual hotel and rush back. But she cried and admitted he’d also slapped her this week. I couldn’t leave. She needed a reality check—a serious talk about actually leaving for real this time.

In her room, I made her call her mom to explain what’d happened. Knowing her mom, there was no way Nat would return to that house. I glanced at the clock and grimaced. I wouldn’t make it to Scarlett tonight until it was late. Probably too late.

Tomorrow, then. Tomorrow I’d talk to her no matter what.