Page 73 of Call the Shots (For The Arena #1)

JUNE

CAN YOU SAY THE REAL REASON

As soon as we crossed the threshold, I lurched away from him like I’d touched a burning skillet and sank to the couch. This was my fault. I did this, I hurt Bear.

He took a heavy seat. “You don’t love me. I…can wait?”

“No, Bear, this isn’t—” My throat closed, and I struggled to swallow. “I need you to listen to me, because I can’t keep ignoring this anymore. When I was growing up, I thought abuse was like getting slapped and that was it. Black-and-white stuff. I didn’t realize how gray some of the areas were.”

“ Oh. ” Bear nodded. “Yeah.”

“Sometimes, I think, we don’t even realize when we’re being abused.”

“I’m glad you recognize that now.”

“No, Bear…” My eyes flickered to him. “I’m not talking about me.”

“I’d never hurt you, June.”

“I know you wouldn’t.”

Bear gazed at me, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Slowly, he shook his head, the ghost of a smile on his face. “Uh, I’m not abused. I mean, I’m scraped to shit, but if anything, that’s hockey’s fault.”

“My family can be a lot.” I hesitated. “But it’s okay because they love me, and I know they’re trying their hardest to understand me and what I’m going through. But…”

“If you’re talking about Xavier?—”

“It’s not just him. There’s something wrong with your family.”

His frown deepened. “I don’t understand.”

“I didn’t want to be the one to tell you because I’m not the best person for this.

How could I be? I have my own family issues and I’m raveled up in yours.

I’m not an unbiased opinion. But it’s been bothering me all summer—how is it that I dated your brother for six years and you and I never met? Ever?”

“I had hockey.”

“The entire time, Bear? I went to Cancún with your family twice, I attended family reunions. Xavier and I used to stay in the same hotel your dad did for his business trips, just for fun!”

“Yeah, I had hockey and camps and school. I should’ve made time.”

The blame Bear put on himself hurt so bad because he didn’t see it how I did.

I’d been to his house, I saw how different Xavier and Bear were treated, especially with his absence.

Xavier’s bedroom had its own walk-in closet and a glass case for his awards.

Bear’s room was put together like the lowest-end motel room, necessities only.

There were maybe two pictures of Bear in his own home, both Bear sent himself.

And whenever I brought up his biological son, I could clearly remember how fast his dad changed the subject.

Bear was something they brushed under a rug and kept out of sight from company. The fact that he didn’t see anything wrong with that pierced me like a knife.

“That wasn’t your responsibility. That was theirs to include you.” Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, and I hurried to brush them away. “You were sleeping at another family’s house in North Dakota because your dad wouldn’t pay for a place for you to stay.”

“My dad’s not like that—he wants me to earn my keep, and I’d never ask?—”

“Do you think Xavier pays for his apartment? His cars? His tuition? His grandpa isn’t the only one footing the bill . That’s your dad too. And do you think Xavier ever had to ask? ” My stomach churned. “If your dad couldn’t afford it, that’s one thing but…”

“Did Xavier tell you this? You know he’s trying to rile you up?—”

“Your dad lives ten minutes away from campus, Bear. When’s the last time you saw him?

” I said as gently as I could. “He’s been to Marrs multiple times for Xavier, I saw his car.

” I grabbed my pillow to hide my shaking hands.

“Your family isn’t supposed to treat you like this.

I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry I was part of it. ”

We fell silent. I didn’t understand why Bear was set apart in his own home. It hurt so bad that anyone could do that to him. I hurried to brush away tears, embarrassed to be the one crying while Bear sat in silence.

He was seven years old when his mom died. With the legal proceedings, he lived at his aunt and uncle's house, waiting for the custody paperwork to go through, to move to a new country with a father like Warren. I couldn’t imagine how lonely Bear must’ve been. It broke my heart to think about.

“What does this have to do with us?” he finally asked.

“What?”

“You and me. What do they have to do with us?”

Our eyes met and I hesitated, resting my chin on my knee.

“What if I’m wrong? What if there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation and I don’t see it or I’m ignoring it because I don’t like Xavier?

What if it’s not okay right now but your family could get closer after this except I poison you against them?

I don’t know, Bear. I stay up late thinking about this—I don’t know. ”

“I mean…I have to talk to my dad,” he admitted.

“I think that’s a great idea.”

“He knows you, he likes you?—”

“Bear, that’s not what I mean.” Quickly, I shook my head. “And I can guarantee if you told him about us, he’d be furious that you got involved with ‘Xavier’s girlfriend?—’”

“You’re not Xavier’s girlfriend,” he insisted. “You’re my girlfriend.”

My heart skipped a beat. “That’s how your dad’s going to see it.

Honestly, sleeping with me is one thing, dating me is another.

" I pursed my lips, trying to figure out how to explain so he’d understand.

"Xavier would never forgive this. He’s your stepbrother, you’ll have to see him for the rest of your life, you don’t want that tension.

And I don’t mean he’ll spread rumors about you or trash a garden or some bullshit—what if this ruins your chance to bridge the gap with your family? ”

“What about your garden?”

“ Nothing, ” I said about a milli-second after him, too fast to be truthful. I fucked that up so bad. My face burned and I averted my gaze, stumbling through my words to keep the conversation going.

“Your garden—like at your house?” Bear interjected.

“I—I—” My insides twisted to hear his concern—this was a conversation about his family issues and Bear stopped it to find out what happened. “Xavier—um—ripped up my garden and posted about it.”

“ What? ”

“That’s not?—”

“That fucking psycho—he did that because he knew you’d see it. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It doesn’t matter?—”

“This dipshit can’t keep hurting you and getting away —”

“Bear, that’s not what we’re discussing?—”

“Yes, it is. You’re the only thing I talk about anymore, you’re the only thing I think about, I wake up, and you’re in my head because you live there.

" His voice deepened, low and gravelly, sending a shiver down my spine. "I know what you want to talk about, but my girlfriend’s bound to be part of the conversation too, you’re in every thought I have now. ”

“I’m not your girlfriend, Bear,” I blurted out.

“Because of my family bullshit?”

“I'm not girlfriend material. I have to prepare to go into a grocery store—that’s not normal—I have mental problems!”

“Uh, yeah, I know.” Bear frowned, confused. “We live together. I know you have mental illness, eating disorder stuff going on. I kind of see it every day.”

“Then you know I wouldn’t be healthy for you.”

“You having mental problems doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” Bear said slowly. “It just means…I want to be there for you and love you and help you get better.”

My heart crashed against my ribcage while I stared at him, mouth agape. I didn’t think the conversation would go like this. I thought it’d be so much easier to break things off and call it quits, but Bear dismissed everything that’d been giving me anxiety for weeks, like it was so easy to do.

I couldn’t do that. What if we dated and I had to interact with his family again? How could I do that? Even if everything magically got better between them, I’d like to be the person to forgive and forget, but that was wishful thinking.

I wanted to hurt Warren so fucking bad for what he did to Bear. That sharp desire scared me, I wouldn’t be able to keep that bottled inside.

Bear watched me, his face drawn in concern. He took a deep breath. “June? Can you say the real reason?”

“Real reason?” I repeated, shaky.

“Can you just say you don’t feel the same and we can get this over with? I think I need to hear it.”

Did Bear think I was making this up? I dug my fingers into the pillow, shocked.

“It’s leading up to it, we both know it,” Bear said quietly. “I’m not an easy guy to love.”

“No, Bear, it’s so easy loving you?—”

His eyes snapped to mine and I froze. Every shadow disappeared from his face. He shifted up on the couch, his lips tugging up for a smile—a smile— that same boyish, hopeful smile that’d just begun, like we weren’t having this heavy conversation breaking us apart.

“You love me,” he said, breathless.

I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter?—”

“You love me.”

“It won’t work out, it’s complicated, it’s messy. Your family won’t be fine with it—Xavier wouldn’t forgive this. I wasn’t thinking, I can’t do this to you?—”

Bear stretched out to touch me and I flinched, pushing up from the couch. Touching him wouldn’t do anything but hurt and prolong the hurt.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out, heading to my bedroom. “I’m really sorry, Bear.”