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“You didn’t think I had a date, did you?” Zach’s voice was teasing now. Cute. Intimate. But this was still only words.

“No, of course not. Of course not.” Gavin heard how stupid he sounded.

“You totally did.” Zach sounded delighted. “And you thought I was dating Hayes. Hayes .”

“Well, in my defense, he’s gay and you’re gay, and he’s not like unattractive .” Certainly not as attractive as Zach, but Gavin wasn’t going to say that, out loud.

“Yeah? Hayes is your type? Yours and Marcus’, apparently.”

“In Marcus’ defense, he’s apparently got more than one type,” Gavin joked weakly.

“True. Good thing Hayes isn’t the kind of guy to get jealous.” Zach paused for a long moment. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say you found a guy attractive, before. ”

One minute everything was fine, no worries whatsoever about crossing the line, and the next, they were edging right up to it, and Gavin was floundering trying to ease back from it.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be honest about his bisexuality—especially when Zach had come out to him even though he’d clearly been semi-terrified about it—but how could he separate the truth from his attraction to Zach?

“I . . .uh . . .” Gavin hesitated.

“It’s okay,” Zach said, like it was. Like Gavin wasn’t a total chickenshit.

They’d almost goddamn kissed on his couch in Michigan. Zach had to know he had some form of attraction to men.

“It’s . . .it’s not, actually.”

There was a long, terrible silence.

“Not that I don’t think it’s okay,” Gavin said quickly, when he realized how fucking awful that sounded. God, he needed to do better. He could just tell the truth. He should tell the truth. Zach deserved that much.

“Really—it’s okay,” Zach said.

“No. That’s what I meant. It’s not okay for me to not be honest. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I just . . .always knew I liked both? But I met Noelle so young that it wasn’t ever a thing that I could explore. It was just . . .it just was .”

“Okay,” Zach said.

Gavin huffed out a frustrated breath. “Is that all you’re gonna say?”

“Congratulations?”

“You’re not the first person I came out to,” Gavin said, but he could still hear how hopelessly fond he was .

“Good,” Zach said.

Gavin squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he could’ve done a way fucking better job at that. Even half out of his mind, Zach had done a better job coming out to him.

But then, Zach hadn’t been coming out to someone he was attracted to.

That had made it awkward. Or at least, that was what Gavin wanted to tell himself.

“That really sucked, actually,” Gavin admitted.

Zach laughed. “Did it?”

“It really did. Not me telling you, obviously. But how . . .God, tell me it gets less awkward.”

“Sort of,” Zach said. “I know everyone says, it gets better , but sometimes I think that’s something we tell ourselves so that we don’t approach each and every time like it’s gonna really fucking suck.”

“Fair,” Gavin said.

“But I’m glad you told me.”

“I should’ve told you before, but it felt . . .” Gavin took a deep breath. “Felt unnecessary.”

He didn’t have to say why. Zach got it.

“How old were you when you and Noelle met?” Zach asked quietly.

Gavin swallowed hard as pain flared deep inside. It was less agonizing than it had been, but it still hurt. “Fifteen.”

“God, I’m . . .I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Gavin.”

“Yeah. I know. I . . .” Gavin trailed off. Four years after losing her, he still didn’t know how to accept people’s sympathy .

“It must be hard, to know what to say to people,” Zach said, like he could read Gavin’s thoughts.

“Yeah, it really was. Is , I guess,” Gavin confessed.

“Was for me too,” Zach said. “And she wasn’t my wife.”

“I didn’t know you felt anything when . . .when it happened.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? She was so great, Gavin. So great. Nice to me when she didn’t have to be—”

“Yeah, she did,” Gavin interrupted. And yes, it hurt. It always hurt. But now that the pain was breaking through the numbness it wasn’t as horrific as it had been, at one point.

It was a pain he could, well, Gavin couldn’t say he could live with it, but he was, wasn’t he?

He was living with it right now, and he didn’t want to even admit it to himself but Zach was helping, too, every single day.

“Well, she was nice. And when I found out . . .” Zach swallowed hard, audible clicks over the line. “And when I found out, I hurt for you, G.”

It was Gavin’s turn to swallow that lump in his throat, forcing it down. “Thanks.”

“I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how and maybe it was better that I didn’t.”

“It was better,” Gavin insisted. “I didn’t . . .obviously I’m total shit at accepting sympathy.”

“It’s okay,” Zach said. “I like you anyway.”

And Gavin really believed that might be true.

Not like that, maybe—or else Gavin hoped it wasn’t like that, because it wouldn’t matter if Zach had those feelings or not, because nothing was ever going to happen .

“You know, I like it when we talk about nothing, but this was nice too,” Gavin said.

“Yeah, it was,” Zach said. “I’m sorry if I didn’t say anything before.”

“Don’t be,” Gavin insisted. Back then, he hadn’t needed Zach to tell him. He’d only needed everyone to leave him the hell alone. And now that Zach was? Well, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready to hear these things, but it wasn’t as awful as it might’ve been, once.

He could live with it.

“Okay,” Zach said. He sounded relieved, like not saying anything had been bothering him. “I’m glad you came out to me.” His tone went softer then, almost intimate, and Gavin felt them edging towards that line again.

The line he didn’t want to even acknowledge to himself, while also depending on it entirely.

“Guess there were a few things we needed to say to each other,” Zach mused.

“Guess so.”

“You wanna skate again tomorrow morning after breakfast?”

“Sure. And then I have a lunch with Sidney.”

“Again?”

Gavin made a frustrated noise. “He’s not unhappy or anything. Just . . .nosy.”

“Great,” Zach said sarcastically.

“I know. When I was here before, he was only the assistant AD and he wasn’t so . . .well, you know.”

“Pushy? Gossipy? Interfering?”

Gavin laughed. “Yeah. But I wouldn’t call him interfering, not exactly, anyway. He’s letting us do what we want.”

“He’d better,” Zach said.

Gavin couldn’t help it; he laughed again .

This was why he hadn’t been able to deal without this. He liked feeling this way. He wanted to feel this way all the time.

Content and happy and seen .

Something he should probably talk to Jon about. But surely, there was no harm in it. Because Zach was getting something from it too, clearly. They were friends. Gavin was his coaching mentor. It was him and Zach, against the whole world.

And nothing had felt more right than that.

“See you tomorrow. Breakfast at Jimmy’s,” Gavin said like Zach might’ve forgotten.

“Right, yeah. See you tomorrow.”

After he hung up, setting his phone back on the charger, Gavin realized that he was sleepy now. Settled.

A second later he fell asleep, a smile still on his face.