Page 40 of Breaking Sanity (Hell’s Asylum #1)

After being here for two years, I saw the contracts on her and knew it was our opportunity to get rid of them.

The contracts usually take up to a year to negotiate so it gave us plenty of time to come at this from a different angle with her being in the center of it.

I convinced myself that what we had during that month was a fling.

But after seeing her for the first time in three years, I knew I fucked up.

Everything I felt for her came rushing back and there was no amount of training I endured that would erase those feelings.

“Fuck, I can’t listen to her cry like that again,” Eagle says, taking off his mask.

“Again,” I question.

“Leave it alone, man,” He says, running his hand through his messy hair. Another loud cry comes from the bathroom. Eagle quickly checks his phone.

“Anyone coming,” I ask.

“No, the floor is clear. Vaughn is with Annie, Nik is in solitary with Piper, and Gunner left early this morning to go collect.”

“Good,” I lean my head against the wall.

“I hate this room,” Eagle whispers to himself. I open one eye and look at him.

“I think we both do,” I agree. Another sob comes from the bathroom and Eagle moves towards it. “Don’t Eagle. Let her be.”

“Is it so easy for you to just listen to her breakdown?”

“Watch it,” I snap, getting in his face.

“You haven’t made one move towards her since the woods that night. Hell you didn’t even make a move when they attacked her, Shadow. You didn’t budge when she yelled at us or even when said she hated us.”

“We can’t compromise the end goal here, Eagle.”

“Like I said, it’s easy for you to push her aside.”

“What part about this has been easy? Huh? You don’t think that I don’t want to break down that door and haul her away?

When she fully fucking panicked that night, you don’t think I didn’t want to kill all of them for putting that fear into her?

You don’t think I wanted to rip her from Gunner and show her that she doesn’t hate us?

Because I wanted to do all of that! But we can’t compromise this.

Even though every atom in my body screams for her, this is more important right now.

We both know saving her isn’t a fucking option. ”

“Fuck!” He backs off. “That confession of hers …”

“I know man. It wasn’t the easiest to hear.”

“She really meant what she said didn’t she?”

“Yeah.” I let out a deep breath leaning against the wall.

“She thought that we helped put her in here, Shadow.”

“I know.”

“How do we change that? She can’t break. She needs to know that I..”

“I am going to stop you before you finish that sentence. Knowing that either one of us cares deeply for her will only hurt her more. She won’t understand. Or worse, she will and then she could be even more unpredictable.”

“Then we fucking tell her the truth! I cannot let her go thinking that I fucking used her!”

“Lower your voice. We can’t tell her the truth, at least not yet. If she is hell bent on hating us, it will work to our advantage, and we can end this sooner rather than later.”

“Fucking Christ, Shadow. Do you hear yourself? Did you not hear what she said?”

“I will not warn you again, Eagle. I do hear myself and I know how much of an asshole I sound like. I know what she said, I was there. I don’t want to make her any promises I cannot fucking keep, neither can you.

She means a lot to both of us, but you know as well as I do, that in our world we can’t have her.

So why give her that hope, when we will just strip it away again.

” I am trying not to yell in his face by keeping my voice as low as possible but if he keeps pushing, I will knock his ass out.

“If you love her as much as you claim then fucking tell her the truth and help her make it out of this place in one piece. Don’t make the same mistake I did.” He pushes me away from him.

“She’s not Emily, Leo,” I sigh, feeling odd for using his real name. I don’t think I’ve said it since she was gone. He has been letting her hang over his head for so long.

“You’re right, she’s not. She is different from Emily.

She is a savage, intelligent, and brave but you are forgetting that she still has a heart.

Which is shattering as we speak. And you are just standing by letting it happen.

She clung to Baron in that office just so that she could feel something, anything.

She wanted to feel wanted. The only reason she bit him is because he touched his initials. ”

“I know, she panicked.”

“She did more than just panic,” he scoffs.

“How do you know?”

I had started to catch on that she has moments of weakness when she starts to panic and craves affection. The perfect example is when I watched how Vaughn got her into that ice bath. But it was only me with them, not Eagle.

“Because she told me what goes on in her head. Us dancing in the kitchen didn’t just happen that night we first hooked up.”

“What the fuck?”

“Am I interrupting?” Alley’s hoarse voice breaks our conversation, and we turn to look at her. Her hair is up in a towel, and her eyes are puffy and red.

“No, you weren’t,” He bites out and she flinches. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. No doubt berating himself for snapping at her.

“Come here Little Monster ,” I command.

“I’d rather not,” she says, heading towards the vanity.

We had to lug that thing up here from the basement just for her.

It was per Gunner’s request, and he stocked it with lotions, perfume, and make up.

It took everything in me to not laugh when she threw each piece of make up at him, while repeating for him to go fuck himself with it.

Plus a slew of other insults and yelling.

Instead of pushing her, I let her be. She puts on her lotion and Baron’s shirt, one of the only ones she hasn’t shredded.

Baron was asleep and the idiot didn’t hide his knife.

Alley woke up, beyond pissed. She grabbed the knife off the nightstand, but instead of stabbing him, she snuck into his closet and shredded the majority of his clothes before he got to her.

He tossed her out of the closet and their scuffle for the knife began.

She ended up slicing his forearm before he was able to get it from her.

I surely thought he may kill her or worse, but he didn’t.

He told her to go back to bed and stormed out.

Then came back about two hours later and removed most of her shirts, leaving her with having to wear the ones she shredded.

“I can’t keep doing this,” she says, sitting on the bed staring at her hands.

“What do you mean,” Eagle asks.

“This,” she whispers, swirling her finger in the air.

“All-”

“Don’t Alley me, Shadow,” she snaps. “This is too fucking much. My head is too much right now. We both know this isn’t going to end well for me and I am only making it fucking worse! But I don’t know how to stop.”

“Baby Girl, you nee-”

“You don’t get to tell me what to fucking do Eagle! Neither of you do. I didn’t relive that night in his office for his benefit. I can’t just come out and say how I feel to either

of you without risking getting you both killed.

I needed you guys to know. And I know Baron is right.

It was pathetic. It was a typical girl move.

You told me it was only going to be a month, and you never strayed from that.

My brain got muddied with emotions and I wanted it to be more than it was ever going to be.

I’ll just have to put y’all in the same category as Titus.

You don’t know who that is, but we will just chalk it up to another one of my mistakes. ”

She really doesn’t remember that last night in the cabin before she fell asleep in my arms.

“Baby Girl, pl-”

“I don’t want to hear it, Eagle. It was a beautiful night, well nights, and will forever be in my memory but that is what it has to be, just a memory.” She walks up to Eagle, lifts up onto her tiptoes, and kisses his cheek. “Thank you devil mask.”

“You’re welcome,” he whispers, placing his mask back on. He turns away from her to go back to his post. More than likely coming up with fifteen different ways to make her change her mind.

“Litt-”

“You don’t get to fucking speak,” she snaps. “You are done calling me that. You will never fucking touch me again. You are the guard dog who keeps me here to make sure I behave and don’t kill them. You will be nothing more.”

“First off, I am no one’s pet. Second, you don’t get to push us out, Alley.” I get in her face.

She is pushing us away, which I understand, we hurt her badly.

It was stupid to engage with her knowing that it had an expiration date.

I realize that now. I think I already knew, but was probably denying it.

I could have told Vaughn that she sounded like a problem and possibly saved her from this, but I didn’t.

I focused on the end goal instead of protecting her.

I should probably walk away but there is this nagging muffled voice in my psyche that is saying not to let her go. To fight for her.

My head is a fucking mess for some reason and I am being too emotional right now.

Like my whole body is in an uproar because of the war between my mind and my heart.

But there is something in my head that is trying to break free, yet for the life of me, I don’t know what it is.

Hell, I could be on the verge of a psychotic breakdown.

“You’ve always given me a choice, Shadow. Don’t be like them and take that from me. WALK. AWAY.”

“Alle-” I am interrupted by a loud knocking.

“Go back to your post like a good little dog.”

“This isn’t over.”

“It is.”

I make it back before the door whips open.