Fanny gripped the sheets in desperation as the pain ripped through her, dragging her down and submerging her in darkness.
She concentrated her energy and swallowed her screams, refusing to give in.
Forcing herself to take even breaths, she held her ground, even though fear fought for control of her heart.
This trial was not unfamiliar to her. She had conquered it five times before, though admittedly, it had been some time since her last victory.
Something within her had changed, but she believed she was strong enough, and she knew she possessed the power to endure.
Her first marriage had been an arduous journey marked by sorrow and strain, but her second marriage was a beautiful path of true love and companionship.
The baby that she was laboring to bring into the world was a symbol of hope and love, and she longed to meet them.
She grimaced, trying to shut out the persistent, escalating agony.
She knew from experience that things would proceed better if she could keep her mind from focusing on the pain, but it was never easy.
Her thoughts traveled to days gone by and the events that had led to the birth of her first daughter, Jane.
It was a different time, and she had been a different person—uncertain, unworldly, and blind to the true nature of people and the workings of the world.
Only in hindsight did she recognize the struggles she once faced forged her into the strong and resilient woman she was today.
Desperate to focus on something besides the pain and waiting, she considered her life before her first child was born and felt her eyes slide shut.
The first memory to surface was the smile Thomas directed her way and how it made her shiver.
He had only recently noticed her, but she had long noticed him.
Oh, how she had noticed him. Holding her breath to slow her racing heart and emotions, Fanny let her eyes wander his figure as he walked beside her.
His outfit, though dark in honor of his late brother, had a stylish cut and appeared immaculately clean.
His tall, well-defined physique was striking, and something about him created a powerful impression.
She found herself anticipating his calls, which made her regular activities of shopping and visiting her friends all the more enjoyable. She often mentioned to people she met how much attention he was giving her, and it made most of her friends envious. At last, her life was full of exhilaration.
Out of all the women that he could pay attention to, he had chosen her.
Fanny had never felt so special. Her father was a solicitor and, though she loved him dearly, his profession did little to elevate her prospects or her standing in the world.
That did not mean she did not have hopes of love and children, or a place of her own.
It simply meant that she had kept her hopes small.
She had never aspired to marry well, but the possibilities seemed to be much better than she had anticipated.
“I must say, Miss Fanny, you look lovely in that dress today.” Thomas reached out and gently smoothed the hair out of her eyes.
“I cannot imagine how anyone could claim you are not as beautiful as your sister.” His grin was infectious, eliciting her own smile in return, though his words gave her pause.
Who had said that her sister was prettier than her?
Fanny shook off the odd feeling that descended upon her. “I wore the blue for you. You said that you preferred the color.” She stepped carefully; her stylish shoes, though undeniably fashionable, were woefully unfit for walking on rough, uneven terrain.
“I noticed.” Thomas gazed around the street as if looking for something.
Crestfallen, Fanny lowered her gaze. She had hoped that he would notice the new gown she had carefully chosen with him in mind.
“I have really enjoyed talking a walk with you, but I should head home.” She hid a grimace as another rock dug into her foot through her thin-soled slipper. “We have been walking ever so long.”
“That must be your imagination, sweetheart; we have only been out for a little while. If you feel you must go to your family, though, I understand.” Spotting the town’s busybody watching them with avid interest, he tipped his hat.
“Careful, Fanny dear, there is a puddle.” Reaching out, he clasped her around her shapely waist and picked her up before setting her down on the other side of the nearly insignificant puddle.
His grin doubled when he heard the gasp from the matron behind them.
They would be married by Michaelmas, or his name was not Thomas Bennet.
The feel of his gallant actions made Fanny’s heart race.
“How chivalrous of you, Thomas. Thank you for attempting to protect my shoes, but you really did not have to. I could have simply walked around it.” She placed her hands on her face, trying to cool her flaming cheeks.
She failed to recognize the disdainful glares of the people in the area, mistaking them instead for expressions of envy.
“Nonsense. I only want what is best for you. The lady at my side ought never to trouble herself over anything, not even a puddle.” Thomas escorted her home in a cloud of giddy bafflement. Fanny wondered how she had gotten so lucky as to have such a wonderful gentleman interested in her.
It would take her a month to realize just how bad her luck was.
Though her father tried to convince her to stop seeing Thomas, she refused to listen.
He spoke of Thomas’s deceit, insisting the man could not be trusted, that he lied, but Fanny could not find it in herself to believe her father.
Why would Thomas lie to her? He made it clear he thought her beautiful, no matter how little others mind think of her appearance.
Thomas told her that being with her was like sunshine in his life, that her bright, bubbly personality helped him cope with the grief of his brother’s passing, coming so soon after losing his parents.
Her father advised her against marrying Thomas, but how could marrying a man who loved her so deeply bring the heartache her father foretold?
She was ecstatic when the wedding progressed as she wanted, and she was soon married to the man she had dreamed about for so long. But her effervescent feelings of joy quickly dissipated, and despair soon replaced them. Mere days after the wedding, she came to understand her folly.
Fanny awoke shivering in her bed, feeling the chill of the empty space next to her Before her wedding, Fanny's mother soothed her anxieties, explaining that while her husband might initially sleep in the same bed, he would always return to his own bed after their activities were concluded.
This had never happened and frankly, Fanny had been glad of it.
She found a strange comfort in the weight of him pressed against her in the darkness.
So waking up alone proved to be an unwelcome and startling change.
Taking a moment to look around, she tried to find her robe before ringing the bell to have her maid help her with preparations for the day.
Fanny spent extra time on her appearance and only had time for a quick slice of toast and a cup of tea before she went in search of him.
She found him walking through the garden, his eyes fixed on the pages of his new book.
Eager to spend time with her beloved, she rushed out to be with him.
“Sweetheart, I have been looking for you. How do you want to spend the day together?” Fanny tried to take his hand as she approached, only to have him jerk away from her.
He shielded his precious book from her, as it was the first piece of his rare book collection he was carefully curating.
After pondering for a bit, Thomas concluded that there was no reason to draw things out.
He refused to squander all his energy on frivolous activities in the bedroom.
It was time to get back to studying. “Are you truly so blind as to not see that I have been avoiding you? Now that we are married, I no longer have to cater to your foolish whims.” He watched her expression fall apart and discovered he enjoyed her heartache. In fact, he relished it.
Fanny’s extended arm moved back to press over her heart, as if she was beseeching it to keep beating, even though it was breaking. “But Thomas, whatever do you mean? You told me you were desperate to spend all our days together, that I was your happiness. We love each other.”
Thomas carefully closed the book in his hand, only turning his attention to her when he was sure about the book’s condition.
“What I love, my dear wife, is how your empty head was so easy to fill with my lies. I had no desire to marry, but my grandfather insisted upon it. So I told him I would find the most unsuitable young woman I could find, one whose very presence would taint Longbourn. You, I am afraid, suit that role perfectly.”
“Thomas, you can not mean that!” Fanny recoiled from his venomous, hate-filled words, bewilderment clouding her features as she struggled to comprehend such malice. How was this happening? She had only just woken, blissfully happy and ready to start another wonderful day together.
“I selected you as my wife, knowing full well how completely unfit you are to oversee an estate. You will never be able to care for Longbourn or her people. It is simply something that a girl as witless as you would never comprehend,” he stated, the hint of a grin playing at the corners of his mouth, as though he took pleasure in her confusion.
“Your form serves its purpose when I need a break from my books. Beyond that, I expect nothing from you but silence and eventually an heir.” His stance was nonchalant, unbothered that he had just destroyed her world.
If he felt anything at all, it was satisfaction, for only his feelings seemed to matter, and her pain was amusing to him.
Fanny took a shaky step back but tripped and fell, collapsing onto the ground. She put her hand out, still expecting him to help her up. She was his wife. He must want to at least see her cared for. Besides, he could not possibly mean what he said.
“I daresay it will prove quite entertaining to watch you flounder under the weight of responsibilities you are ill-prepared to shoulder as mistress of the estate.” Thomas retreated quickly, his arms securely holding the delicate book to his chest, eager to return it to the safety of his study.
He passed by Fanny without a care, completely immune to the tears trailing down her cheeks like rain, leaving damp patches of sorrow on the ground.
Table of Contents
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- Page 109 (Reading here)
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