Page 29

Lillian

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I ’m so damn mad I feel like my head is going to explode.

Instead of being an adult about it, I’m going to be petulant and allow myself to just be mad.

Usually I let it all go, let people just walk all over me, not wanting to deal with the drama or confrontation.

Years of therapy couldn’t help who I was at the core.

Terrified.

But right now? I want to punch Morgan. I want to claw at his chest and rip him to pieces.

Who is he to make decisions for me? Who is he to basically tell me that he wants to end this because I’m too young to know what I want? But still fucked me first. Fuck him. Fuck that. Fuck everyone.

My phone starts to vibrate on my nightstand and I scowl at it before I head into my bathroom and start up the shower, leaning against the counter and glaring at my reflection.

My cheeks and chest are still flushed and my hair and clothes are a damn mess. I look freshly fucked, but the harsh glint in my eyes, the sneer on my face points more toward ‘psychopath about to commit murder’.

I shuck off my clothes and toss them to the ground, stepping into the shower, and letting the water slide over my overheated skin.

I need to get out of the house before I say something I don’t mean, something I’ll regret.

I step out and dry off, letting my wild curls stay where they are to dry naturally. I need to ask Mackenzie if she wants to stay in a hotel with me for the day until tomorrow morning. Or until Morgan needs to be back at the rink.

I get[8] dressed and grab a bag, throwing in some pajamas and comfortable clothes, some toiletries, my phone charger, and phone.

I head out into the hall and hear Morgan talking to the girls in the kitchen. Good. He can feed them.

I knock on Mackenzie’s door and let myself in, closing it behind me and leaning against the wall. “Want to get out of here for a bit? We can go stay at a resort… go swimming, get a massage, and order room service.”

She glances over her shoulder from where she’s sitting in front of the windows in her favorite chair and glances down at the duffel bag in my hand. She nods and stands, still silent as she heads to her closet.

“Are you sure you’re ready to leave the house?”

She huffs and nods. “Yeah, I want to tell you everything… and I have a feeling you have some shit to get off your chest, too.” She tilts her head at me with her knowing gaze.

I slowly nod and close my eyes, staying silent as she packs up some clothes. She slides the straps up her shoulder and grabs her purse, nodding that she’s ready.

I know it’s unfair for me to wish for my best friend back, especially after not knowing what happened to her.

But I need some support, too. I just feel so fucking lost, pissed, and empty at the same time that I feel like I’m going to explode.

We head out and I grab my keys from my purse before stepping into the kitchen and glancing at the three little girls that have burrowed so deeply into my heart that I feel like they’re a part of me now.

“Hey,” I kneel down and sigh. “I’ll be back soon. Have your dad call me if any of you need me, okay? If you wake up tonight and need some cuddles, your dad’s room will be open, okay?”

Avery frowns and wraps her arms around me, pressing her head to my shoulder. “Are you mad at daddy? Are you going to come back?”

I hum and close my eyes. “I’ll be back when he needs me to be. But I just need some time, okay? It’s nothing any of you girls did. Just enjoy this time with your dad and have a good day at school tomorrow, okay?”

I kiss all three girls on their heads and don’t look at Morgan as I head down to the garage and slip into my car.

At least we were able to move the cars around so that Mackenzie’s rental wasn’t just sitting in the driveway.

“Do you want to return the rental car?”

She shrugs and buckles herself up. “Once my face is completely healed I’m going to start applying for jobs. Maybe I’ll find a nice restaurant to serve in. No more bars or dancing for me.”

I frown and back out, closing the garage after I head down the street towards the gate. “Whenever you’re ready.”

I have her look up the resorts that are around here and try to just clear my mind. Maybe I just need to focus on my nanny duties and paying down my debt. Also focusing on Betty and trying to find a teaching job.

I knew this was all a bad idea. We’re just in different phases of our lives and he thinks I need more than he can give me.

We pull up to the hotel and park since we only have one bag each, no need for someone to valet my Nissan anyway.

We walk up to the doors and head over to the desk. I’m barely paying attention as I’m handing over my cards and signing paperwork. She hands us some pamphlets and room keys, sending us on our way.

I did hear that there’s a bar here, along with a 24/7 gym and pool. So that will keep us occupied.

We step into a bright and airy suite, there’s only one bed but I doubt Mackenzie will mind sharing. Plus, I’ve gotten so used to sleeping with the girls, so much so that I’m not sure I would have been able to sleep tonight.

I sit down on the bed after dropping my bag and purse and just close my eyes. I’ll take a look around after I make sure to calm down some more.

I feel lost and confused. Not as angry anymore.

Mackenzie kneels in front of me and I tense when she places her hands on my thighs.

Her eyes fill with tears and she immediately closes them.

“I was dating a guy that I met in the club. He seemed nice… Had money. He started taking me out, showing me off to his friends. We hadn’t slept together yet and I thought, ‘man either this man is gay, or he’s actually treating me right. ’

“So, weeks go by. He buys me new dresses and shoes… Hands me cash to get my hair and nails done. Then one night when I’m working, he stalks in and watches me dance.

I could tell from how tense he was that he was upset about something.

I assumed it was his job. So when I took off my bra, I flung it out into the crowd and danced harder, more seductively, thinking it would help.

” Tears fall faster and faster and she clears her throat.

“That night he was silent. Waited for me to be done, showered, dressed. He guided me to his car and didn’t speak a word to me until we were at his condo.

As soon as the front door was shut and locked behind him, he just snapped.

Beat the shit out of me, had… sex with me when I was screaming and bleeding on his fucking floor.

Finally I screamed loud enough, long enough for the neighbors to notice something was up.

When the cops showed up he told them that I attacked him first while we were having sex and that I tried to kill him.

“I’m just a fucking stripper. I was terrified they were going to believe him.

They separated us and took stock of my injuries and noticed that he had none, only the swelling and bruising on his knuckles.

He was covered in my blood. So the assholes finally allowed the EMT’s to help me out and take me to the hospital.

I filed the police reports and begged for a restraining order.

“They arrested him and he was out the next day. Instead of waiting around for him to come back for me, I booked a flight here. I have no idea if he’s going to be held accountable. If he’s going to come after me. I can barely be around Morgan. I don’t know if I’ll ever heal.”

I slide down onto the floor in front of her and open my arms, giving her the choice to come to me. She falls into me and sobs, her hot tears sliding down my neck and chest as she lets it all out.

“Mack… I am so, so sorry. Anything you need. Me, therapy, and a safe place to live. Take as long as you need to heal. Do you want me to talk to Andy, see if he knows anyone that can help? I don’t think he’s a criminal attorney.”

She nods against me and shudders. “Anything. Please. I have money to pay for everything but I just can’t do it on my own.”

I blow out a slow breath and kiss her head. “Betty died.”

She jolts and blinks up at me, her face draining of blood and all color. “Oh my god… Lillian.”

I nod and bite down on my lip. I tell her about the phone call from the nurse at the nursing home, the trip out there, and holding Betty’s hand as she took her last breath.

About how alone she was, how she remembered me.

How I’m seeing Andy this week to see what we can do legally.

She already knew everything about Betty’s children blocking me from seeing or speaking to her. The house and the cars being sold.

She places her hand over her mouth and sobs harder. “Damn it, that is so fucking awful. Are you okay? I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you.”

I shake my head and shrug. “It’s not your fault, M.

I didn’t tell you. I also haven’t taken the time to deal with it.

I had to nanny the girls, then your call.

You come first, too. There's nothing I can do right now about Betty. If I let myself succumb to the feelings, the sadness and despair, I have no idea how I’ll be able to crawl out of it. I feel… numb.”

She nods and hugs me tighter, breathing slowly in my ear. “We’re just a right mess aren’t we? What’s been going on today, though? You didn’t seem like yourself earlier.”

I purse my lips and get more comfortable on the floor, leaning back against the bed.

I tell her about how Morgan told me that he wanted to talk later tonight…

but we ended up fucking after the girls went down for their naps and how he told me that I should want someone with less baggage, is younger, doesn’t have kids.

That I should look for someone that actually wants marriage and babies with me.

How he’s basically making the decision for me due to my age, right after he fucked me.

She sighs and blinks at me for a few moments. “Honey, how much does he know? I mean, really, know?”

I chew on my lip and look away from her. “Enough? I think? I know I told him about Rich and Lisa. How they weren’t my biological parents and that they sold me. He knows about Bradley… about my health.”

She nods. “And does he know about the grooming? The control? How you never even met another child until you were sent to a group home? Didn’t make a friend until Betty and Francis brought you home to San Francisco?

How confusing it was for you to start school after never being educated before?

How you never wanted kids until the choice was taken from you when you had your surgeries?

The fear and uncertainties about never being able to be normal? ”

I cover my face with my hands and sigh so damn heavily that I know the heavens can hear it. “Maybe? I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it.”

She hums. “No… You really need to sit him down, Lill. How serious is this with him?”

I crack a soft smile and gaze over to the windows and lick my dry lips.

“I have no idea… I really like him. I love his girls. His strength, his kindness. He’s so damn handsome that it’s hard to look at sometimes.

He’s a true leader, a fantastic lover… He stepped up and is doing the best that he can.

I love watching him when he’s on the ice, even if I’ve never seen him play in person…

He’s just… perfectly imperfect. He knows his faults and doesn’t shy from them.

He’s honest, caring. So damn sweet. But he’s making me so fucking frustrated.

We've been having issues with communication.”

She smiles and crosses her legs, playing with her fingers in her lap.

“You’re falling for him, Lill. You need to just sit him down and tell him everything.

How you only froze your eggs because you thought it’s what you should do.

You’d been on birth control since Betty took you to the OBGYN for the first time at sixteen and never went off of it because you were terrified of getting pregnant.

Then that whole shit relationship with Bradley…

I mean, come on. Sure he was a good friend, a great boss or whatever…

But he treated you like crap, cheated on you with like a hundred women, and then fired your ass.

Don’t be afraid of Morgan firing you if you fall for him, Lill. ”

I frown and close my eyes, thinking. I don’t think that’s been holding me back, I’ve had sex with him twice.

I haven’t been distant. That was all him.

I haven’t been stopping myself from feeling, only at first because he made it seem like I was only temporary due to my age.

And I thought it was inappropriate to lust after my boss. Again.

“Well… How about we order some room service, watch some shitty TV… and tomorrow we will swim and work out.”

She chuckles and we both grab each other’s hands and stand up, hugging one more time. “Deal… But I think you should check your phone. It’s been going off like crazy.”