Page 17

Lillian

__________

I park the rental car at the nursing home and feel the tears well up in my eyes once more.

It feels like it’s been years since I’ve been in San Francisco.

The temperatures have started to drop, it’s gloomy, and the salty scent of the ocean air makes me want to both sneeze and wrap it around me a million times.

I grab my purse and step out of the car, staring at the glass doors with a brick in my throat. I step inside and the scent of bleach and lemons assaults me as I step up to the desk and glance around.

It’s… nice. Clean. White and sterile.

“How can I help you?” A woman behind me asks before she slips behind the desk smiling at me.

“Is Marissa around?”

She chuckles and holds out her hand, “You must be Lillian. Come with me.” She jumps up and saunters down the back hall and uses her badge to open up the heavy door.

“I won’t sign you in, but here’s a sticker just in case.

” She pulls a red sticker from her pocket and slaps it on my chest. “She’s in room one-fifteen.

She’s been on hospice for a couple of weeks.

Barely eats or drinks now. I… I’m glad you could make it.

” She pats my back and leaves me alone at the door.

She disappears and I close my eyes.

I hold my breath as I step through and Betty’s perfume brings tears to my eyes.

Lilacs and vanilla. I glance over to the hospital bed to find Betty awake, turned over on her side and staring at the TV on the opposite wall.

Gosh, she looks so much older and skinnier than I remember her being.

Her white hair is thinner, braided on both sides of her head, barely reaching her thin shoulders.

Her blue eyes look so dull and vacant.

I press my lips together as I sit in the chair beside her bed and slowly wrap my hand around hers. She doesn’t even acknowledge me in the room.

I take a deep breath and clear my throat.

“I’m not sure if you can hear me… Or know who I am.

My name is Lillian and you were my foster mother.

You and your late husband Francis saved me.

You believed in me, loved me, and brought me into your home.

I love you so much and I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to see you before now. You must have been so alone.”

Her eyes slowly close and I feel her hand squeeze mine before I just sit and watch her chest move. The tears stream down my face and I sob quietly, reminiscing out loud all of the memories we shared for the few years I had her in my life.

If it wasn’t for her, I probably would have bounced around from foster home to foster home. Never being grounded or in a happy, safe environment. I would never know what it’s like for a parent to love unconditionally and believe in me.

I probably never would have gone to college, I also would have never gone to Minnesota.

Eventually Marissa slips in and sends me a sad smile. She takes Betty’s vitals and shakes her head. “It’ll probably only be a couple more days that she holds on for. How long will you be in town?”

I close my eyes and try to breathe. “I fly out Monday morning.”

She nods. “I’m glad I got in touch with you.

Go get some rest and come back in the morning.

I’m working until next Tuesday before I get my two days off.

” She leads me to the doors and walks out with me.

“I’m not sure what’s going on with Betty’s family, but it’s well-known around the home…

even the director feels awful for her. It’s not on us to really ask why they put blocks on people, but the way Betty brought up your name over the years. I just knew it was something sinister.”

I press my hands to my car and lean forward as I cry out and shake my head. I can’t stop. It feels like I’m having a heart attack. “She… She remembered me?”

Marissa rubs my back and sighs out loud.

“Lillian… you were all she talked about during her lucid moments. She knew what her kids were doing. She was too terrified to call you or send you any letters in case something was intercepted. At first we just thought it was stories in her mind, not remembering the past correctly. But as time went on and none of her kids visited, how when we pulled up her chart and visitation logs and saw you were blocked from calling or visiting… We slowly figured it out. But our hands were tied. I can get fired, sued for all of this.”

I nod and try to pull myself together. “I won’t say a word. I promise. Thank you so, so much for giving me this chance to see her.”

She pulls me into a hug and I get into my car and drive to the hotel that I booked a few days ago. It’s within walking distance just in case anything happens.

I check in and stumble to my room, dropping my bag beside the door before collapsing onto the bed. I can’t eat, I can’t drink.

I lay staring at the ceiling until I wake up to my phone ringing.

Well, damn, my eyes were closed. I’m not sure if I was sleeping though.

“Hello?”

Morgan sighs. “Why didn’t you call when you landed? I’ve been worried sick.”

I blink at the ceiling and my gritty eyes scream at me.

My nose is clogged and my throat hurts from crying so much.

“I’m so sorry… I just had a one-track mind and then when I saw her, Morgan.

” The tears flow down my face again and I gasp for breath.

“Marissa told me that she remembered me before she went on hospice, now she’s barely responsive.

Her eyes were open as I talked to her… but just… nothing.”

“I’m so sorry, Lillian. I wish you weren’t alone right now. The girls were asking about you, would you like to talk to them?”

I nod and sit up, clearing my throat. “Yes. Thank you.”

I hear Avery and Nessa in the background before he hands it off.

I stay on the phone with the girls for a while, telling them that I’m here to see my mom and that I’ll be home in a few days.

I hang up before Morgan can talk to me again.

I don’t want to talk anymore right now. I need to try to eat, get some liquids into me, then actually sleep. Hopefully this place has room service.

_____________

Betty Francine Langston-Wilder passed away peacefully on Sunday afternoon at three PM, while holding my hand. Marissa rushed me out of the home before anyone else saw me there outside of the staff she trusted before Betty’s kids showed up. If they even did.

I went straight back to my hotel, packed up, and called the airline to see if there were any earlier flights.

The entire flight home just felt like a dream, like nothing was really happening around me.

She’s… dead. I never got to hear her voice. I never got one of her famous hugs. I made sure to talk to her and tell her I loved her so much over the last few days, I prayed that somewhere inside of her, she knew I was there.

I just feel so empty, so broken. At least I have a life to look forward to, taking care of those three little girls.

I have to wake up early to make breakfast and take Avery to school.

I have two little ones to care for for the remainder of the day.

I’m allowed to have tonight to just… break.

I just hope it can hold off until I’m home.

Home. When did I start feeling like Morgan’s house was my home?

At least I hope it can be. I don’t have high hopes for a relationship with him, but I love my job regardless. Even if the most that happens between us is heavy flirting and sometimes kissing, then that’s fine with me. If that’s all he can give. I’ll take it.

I don’t think I can handle a relationship right now. I just feel so damn lost and broken. I don’t want Morgan to feel used.

I feel like I’m walking through a fog as I walk to the baggage claim and roll my luggage outside. I hail a taxi and stare out the window the entire drive back home. I didn’t tell Morgan I was coming early, I know I should give him a call or a text.

I just need silence right now.

I feel like I blink and the taxi is pulling up to the gate. I roll my window down and wave to Tony. He nods and lets us through and then I’m hopping out of the car after paying.

My luggage is heavy in my hand as I unlock the door and type in the code to the alarm system, resetting it after I close and lock the door.

Hopefully Bianca is sleeping. I don’t want to freak her out.

I head to the island and leave a note, letting her know that I’m back and will be up around seven if she’s up before me.

I collapse into my bed and cry myself to sleep. How long will it take for me to feel better?

Probably never. But I’m just going to miss her so damn much. I will never be able to repay Morgan for helping me through this. If he didn’t bring this shit up with his lawyer, Marissa probably never would have called me. I never would have been able to say goodbye.

_____________

I woke up surrounded by all three girls. The sun is barely rising so they must have somehow figured out I was home. I hope they weren’t checking for me every night.

I stay still as I listen to their little breaths and snores, basking in the love and life they breathe into me.

I must have been out of it last night to not have woken up when they crawled into my bed. Gosh, these brave girls are becoming so precious to me. They’re giving me a reason to get up and live today.

Eventually Tilly stirs and sits up to smile at me. “Lily!”

I smile and hold out my arms for her to cuddle and she wiggles around until she’s in a position she’s comfortable in.

“I’m hungry.”

I snort and we slowly get out of bed, waking up the other two. “Good morning girls. What sounds good for breakfast?”

Avery grumbles as she slides off my bed. “Egg burritos?”

I nod. “That does sound delicious. Go get ready for school and I’ll do your hair after we eat.” I tell Nessa to head to her bathroom to wash up and I take Tilly to mine to try to use the potty. She sits for a few minutes but she doesn’t pee. Hopefully soon.