Page 63 of Attractive Forces

“What was it about?” Jake asks gently.

“Sin,” I choke out. “He talked about adulterers and thieves and homosexuals, and how they’re all sinners.”

Jake sucks in a deep breath. And I hear him let it out slowly, our breathing the only noise between us. “I don’t know what to say,” he says finally. “My family has never gone to church, so I’ve never worried about religion’s stance on LGBTQ+ issues. I’ve never thought that it’s a sin to be with someone who’s the same sex.”

I lie back on my pillow and try to imagine that. Jake discovered he was attracted to guys, so he went with what felt right, with no other baggage weighing him down.

So far from my experience.

“You know that despite what some people may say, you can’t change who you are.” His voice is soft.

“Oh, trust me, I had Lady Gaga’s ‘Born this Way’ on a repeat on my playlist for about three years.” I rub my face. “And I know a lot of churches are more progressive now. But that doesn’t change the fact that if my father discovered the truth, he’d try to pray the gay away.”

For a pastor’s son, I’ve always been fairly apathetic to the teachings of the church. But I’ve had it rammed down my throat my entire life, and if I was put on the spot and asked if I believe in God, my answer would be an automatic yes.

But do I believe in a God that tells me I’m a sinner and won’t go to heaven?

“It’s stupid,” I continue. “I’ve always known for ages what the Bible says. But just, hearing it now…when you and I are…”

“Yeah, I get it,” Jake says.

“And knowing my own father thinks like that…” Tears stick in my throat.

“Come over,” Jake says, urgency in his voice.

“What?”

“Come over to my place. You can climb up the tree and reach my window. No one will know you’re here. I’ll push my desk in front of the door so no one can disturb us.”

My breath hitches.

I shouldn’t risk it. I know that.

But the thought of seeing Jake, of curling up in his bed with him, of having his arms around me and breathing all that Jakeness in, is too intoxicating to resist.

“Okay,” I say.

I decide notto take my car because I don’t want my parents questioning where I’m going.

Instead, I creep out of the house and half walk, half jog to Jake’s house. It’s about half an hour to get to Jake’s neighborhood, which gives me plenty of time to reflect on how stupid this is. What if my parents go into my room and find me missing?

But I really need to see Jake right now.

Jake is the only person who knows me, the full me, the real me. Not just the version of Logan Madison the rest of the world sees. He’s the only person I can talk to about this.

Even though it’s only ten o’clock, Jake’s street is quiet and dark.

I reach his place and head around one side of his house to the giant walnut tree.

I stand at the base and message him:just about to start my tree-climbing adventure

There’s a creaking noise above me, and I realize it’s the sound of Jake’s window opening.

“You there?” His voice is hushed.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Be careful.” His whisper just reaches my ears.