Page 48

Story: Ashford Hall

“I knew she would try and intervene, and I was afraid of what James would do,” Charles said.

“Everything that’s happened, everything that’s taken place…

it’s all been out of fear. I never knew what a coward I was until I was faced with the thought of your imprisonment.

” He was quiet for a moment, and I could tell there was more that he wished to say. “Why didn’t you tell me, Tom?”

I was quiet in return, leaning against the cushioned seat and letting go of his hand so I could cross my arms over my chest. “I never planned on telling you,” I said, and I could tell from the way he averted his eyes that I had hurt his feelings, but it was the truth.

“I need you to know that I really never intended for anything to happen with Arthur. I thought him handsome but nothing more. It wasn’t until I returned from London that summer that I realized the depth of my feelings.

And I…. Charles, you are my best friend, but there is no easy way for a man of my precarious standing to admit his sexuality. ”

“I should have said something to you when I realized,” Charles said. “But I didn’t think it was my place.”

“It wouldn’t have been,” I said. “And I think it would have scared me. I genuinely believed your reaction that night, Charles. I was wholly prepared to accept that you were so disgusted by who I was that you would drive me away.”

Charles breathed out hard, looking at me. “Do you still care for my brother?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said, because there was no other way to explain why I had spent the last three years avoiding my previous haunts, overtaken by a celibacy that really would have been unheard of in my previous life.

“Truthfully, Charles, I think of him so often that I fear I’m mad.

Three months should not account for three years of longing, and yet… .”

“He’s not the same either,” Charles admitted.

“I don’t think any of us have been. Listen.

If you swear to me that you will try and resolve things with Arthur, I will do the same with Ida.

You have all the information you need to make your argument now.

I’ve given you the evidence I’ve accumulated.

I can’t believe that Arthur would have closed his heart off to you forever. ”

I was still not convinced, but the story that Charles had pieced together over the years was a compelling one.

Never once did I assume that James was motivated by anything other than monetary greed, and to know that he was in fact so consumed by hunger for his own cousin that he was driven to the acts he’d committed was eye-opening.

I tilted my head back to look at the ornate ceiling, avoiding his gaze.

“Do you know how much I’ve missed you?” I asked, hearing him sigh softly.

“Even after I thought you’d said those terrible things in earnest, I wanted to write to you. ”

“I’ve missed you too,” Charles said quietly. “We spent nearly every waking moment together as boys. To be an adult and suddenly not have you to turn to…. I lack the words to describe that sort of misery.” He retrieved my hand once again, squeezing it gently. “This can be fixed, Tom.”

“I hope so,” I said, sitting there in silence for a few moments more before I screwed my courage to the sticking place. “Arthur’s in the library?”

“He hardly leaves it these days,” Charles said. “He is…. Outwardly, he seems fine. But his habits have changed, and he looks withdrawn at times, as though in a fog. Your influence on him was monumental.”

I forced myself to get to my feet, gripping Charles’s hand for a few more brief moments. “I’ll go talk to him,” I said, deciding to do what I could with the courage I had mustered. “If he’s the one to drive me out of the house this time, I apologize.”

“Go,” Charles said. “I’m going to think about what I should say to Ida.”

I let go of his hand and left, every step that took me closer to the library heavier than the one before.

I had almost reached the hall and the staircase that would lead me upstairs to where Arthur was when I was grabbed by the arm and dragged into a small, dusty side room that looked as though it hadn’t been touched in years.

In the dim light coming in through a single window, I could see Rudolph looking at me, an intensity about his dark eyes that was not entirely unusual for him but was unexpected.

“Rudolph,” I said, surprised that he had manhandled me. “What’s going on?”

“I have been in London a dozen times since that summer,” Rudolph said, and I was surprised to find that there were clear tears in his eyes, unshed but still present.

“I always stopped myself from visiting you because I thought that there was a reason you no longer wanted to be around us, but I was on the brink of seeing you every last time. To know that you were utterly without a friend and that I was playing into James’s hand by not seeing you…

. This entire business makes me sick. I told Ida that there was something happening, that there was blackmail afoot, but she was sure that you would have told us, at least written to us.

That it was Charles being blackmailed and not you… .”

“Rudolph,” I said, reaching out and gripping his arm. “You couldn’t have known. I didn’t even know what had happened until today. There’s time to rectify this.”

“But the amount of unnecessary suffering….”

“It can’t be taken back, but we can fix it,” I said. “I need your help, though. Everyone has come out of this worse for wear.” I paused, raising my eyebrows at him. “Aside from you and Felix, it seems.”

He looked at me, clearly unamused. “He told you about that, did he? And what do you think?”

“I think you’re a good match,” I said. “Is that enough to convince you to help me?”

“I was already going to help you,” Rudolph said, pulling his arm out of my grip before looking at me again. “You really think we’re a good match?”

“Yes,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Now go convince your sister that Charles is a good match for her.”

“Good luck with Arthur,” he said, and I realized as I walked away that I felt as though I truly did need it.