Page 30

THE LIbrARY was, as always, a few degrees cooler than the rest of the house, due in part to Arthur’s insistence that no fires be lit in order to keep the books safe from any soot.

I let myself in quietly and was unsurprised to find that Arthur was sitting at his desk, although when he looked up there was something in his eyes that I couldn’t begin to recognize.

“You’re back,” he said, and my joy at seeing him was quickly replaced by a chill as I realized he had erected those walls around him once again in my absence.

“I hope your time with Rudolph was elucidating.”

“With Rudolph?” I echoed, and the pieces began to fall slowly into place, a realization that I had been terribly delayed in making. “You knew?”

“Knew what?” Arthur said, with a slightly smug tone in his voice that sounded as though he thought he’d lured me into a trap.

“I think you and I should be honest with one another,” I said, approaching his desk and resting my fingertips on the wood lightly. “We left with some enmity, didn’t we? And you’ve clearly had time to ruminate on it. I don’t like that, not one bit.”

He looked at me coolly before getting to his feet, leaning his own hands on the desk. He wasn’t that much taller than me, but as he tilted his head towards me, I could see why people found him intimidating. “What did I know, Thomas?”

“That Rudolph is attracted to me,” I said, unflinching. “That’s why you sent him to pick me up instead of coming yourself.”

“I did not send him,” Arthur said. “He offered to come and get you, and I allowed him to do so. I thought it was in the best interest of everyone. After all, the way we parted didn’t make me believe you’d have wanted to see me there instead.”

“Is that what you think?” I asked, digging my fingertips into the desk in a failing attempt to keep myself placid.

“Did you not consider that I was waiting two weeks in the hope that you would be the one who fetched me from London? So you know that Rudolph was attracted to me, and you assumed that I wanted him in return.”

For the first time, his smugness faltered, his green eyes suddenly growing serious. “But you kissed him.”

I furrowed my brow, frowning. “How do you know that?”

“Felix saw you,” Arthur said, and another piece of the puzzle was solved as a result. “In the gardens.”

“It never occurred to you that perhaps he kissed me with no action on my part?” I asked, although I was tiring quickly of having to ask question after question to lead Arthur to the truth.

By the look in his eyes it was clear he hadn’t considered this, and I studied him closely before sighing and pushing away from the desk.

“If, perhaps, I’d met Rudolph under different circumstances, a case could be made for romance.

But I did not meet him under different circumstances, and I’d already come to know you before I met him.

If you’re too dense to understand that, then—”

While making my case, I had turned my back to him and begun to make my way to the library doors, intent on leaving since he did not seem interested in seeing reason.

Before I could make it more than a few steps, though, he had caught hold of my wrist and spun me around, and the look in his eyes sent a wave of lust through me that culminated in my stomach lurching as though tugged on by an invisible string.

“You have no idea what you’ve just said,” he finally murmured, every muscle coiled as tight as a snake, as though he was desperately attempting to keep his composure.

“You aren’t attracted to Rudy because you met me first?

What sort of nonsense is that? Have you not seen enough of me to realize what a perfectly dreadful man I am? ”

“Dreadful?” I grabbed the collar of his shirt, gripping the fabric tight in my fist and yanking him towards me, knowing full well I was standing on a precipice that I could not very easily avoid falling from if I continued down this path.

“What are you talking about? You’re the furthest thing from dreadful, and the fact of the matter is I have no more romantic attraction to Rudolph than I have to Charles. Frankly, I—”

But I was prevented from finishing that sentence when Arthur, who had been looking at me with a growing madness in his gaze, lurched forward and kissed me so hard on the mouth I was immediately surprised he hadn’t drawn blood.

Stunned by his impulsivity but otherwise suffering from similarly inflamed passions, I kept my grip in his shirt and kissed him back.

His mouth tasted like tobacco and tea, and if I had been expecting some demure show of affection, I was certainly proven wrong.

It seemed two weeks had been the catalyst he needed to realize his feelings for me, although I would be lying if I pretended I hadn’t undergone a similar transformation, a fortnight of absence after months together just enough time to give me clarity.

I had closed my eyes as soon as his lips were on mine, and I kept them closed for a few seconds after he’d pulled away, afraid that I would open them to find that he had rapidly realized he did not enjoy what he’d just done.

Instead, when I opened them I found that he had not pulled back, and was instead looking at me closely, the intensity in his eyes enough to take my breath away.

We stared at each other for a moment before he spoke, his voice barely more than a whisper.

“I swore to myself… I swore I would leave you be. I swore that once you returned, I would keep these feelings locked away. And yet you’ve been here for less than five minutes and… .”

“Why do you feel like you need to keep these things locked away?” I asked, twisting my fingers further in his shirt to prevent him from trying to pull away. In response, he dropped his forehead against mine, gripping my wrist with one hand and the edge of the desk with the other. “Arthur.”

“Rudy is the only person I’ve let myself love,” he said. “And it ended in disaster. You are my brother’s childhood friend from a class several steps below my own. Even if you weren’t a man, the feelings I have for you can only end in things far worse than blackmail.”

“You don’t know that for sure, and if you don’t allow yourself to take the very first steps, you don’t allow yourself to know how things end,” I said.

“I’m only here for the summer, Arthur. This does not need to carry over beyond that if you don’t want it to.

” Even as I said it, I knew that it wasn’t something Arthur was capable of; while I may have indulged in casual dalliances, I could not imagine Arthur doing the same.

“You’re saying we just… have sex,” he said, and just hearing the word come from his lips made my mouth go dry.

“Felix has suggested the same thing before. Not with you, mind, but to take my mind off of Rudy. The prospect of allowing a stranger in my bed is not something I could stomach.” Disappointment flooded me until he continued, an undertone in his voice that told me everything I needed to know about his decision. “But you aren’t a stranger.”

At this point, I will freely admit that I was being selfish.

After having kissed him, I did not want to scare him away, did not want to forget the feeling of his fingers on my bare skin or his mouth on my own.

I was not thinking about his feelings or his position in life, was not considering what this would do to Charles if he found out what I was doing with his brother.

Everything was self-serving, and I did not care if I could only have him for a few more weeks before I returned to London and fell out of his story.

To have him for any amount of time was enough.

“I’m not a stranger,” I agreed. “Felix is undoubtedly right, Arthur. And when will you get this chance again? A man in your house, willingly offering this to you… and with a time limit.”

Arthur looked at me, and I could see that he did not fully believe me, that he knew what I was trying to pull. But he didn’t say anything, and his grip on my wrist tightened, his other hand moving to the top button of my shirt. “You’ve done this before? Had… temporary lovers?”

“Yes,” I admitted, my breath hitching in my throat as he forced the button through the hole, smooth fingers slipping into my shirt and over my collarbone. “There are clubs in London for men like us. If you want something, you can get it there.”

“I see,” Arthur said, thumb pressing to the side of my throat, my blood thrumming in my veins. “And you didn’t want that with Rudolph, just me.”

“I explained it to Rudolph already. He knows why I chose you.”

“Even if you have to give me up in a month?”

I did not tell him that I would do anything to have him for a night, much less a month. “Are you not attracted to me?”

He let out a soft huff, almost a laugh. “Can you not tell?” I did not respond and he sobered, searching my face. “Can you really not tell?”

“Arthur,” I said, briefly overwhelmed by a moment of sheer amazement at his apparent inability to see how I might be unable to read his mind.

“The only reason I had the slightest inkling that you may have any interest in me is because Rudolph insisted it was the case. Before that, I was merely… well, hoping, I suppose.”

“No,” Arthur said. “I find you horribly attractive and the conflict it awoke in me….” He swallowed, the warmth of his hand on my bare skin sending fire through my every nerve. “Thomas. I cannot give you what you want.”