Page 34

IT WAS well after two in the morning when I reached my suite, suitably dazed by the night’s events.

After escaping the garden with Arthur, we had lingered at the servant’s entrance for far too long, neither of us quite willing to let the night end and seemingly unable to keep our hands or mouths off of one another.

It was only upon the realization that we might encounter Charles and Ida returning from their own dalliance that we parted, but in doing so I was overcome by an overwhelming lightness.

I was under no delusions that Arthur Ashford would ever come to love me, but he certainly wanted me, and I was foolish enough at the time to believe that was enough to sate the growing intensity of my feelings.

I wanted him, too, wanted to memorize the sensation of his mouth and his fingers and his teeth, and as I let myself into my rooms I fell face-first on my lounge, overcome with what had taken place.

I was not a particularly sentimental man and had always been driven mostly by a desire to rise above my class and the occasional need for companionship, but that late night in the privacy of my chambers, I allowed myself a few brief moments of unabashed joy.

I rolled onto my side, a man overcome by emotions, and spotted a piece of paper on the low table before me, lying on top of one of my books. I pushed myself up on one arm, reaching over and picking up the letter, which consisted of only one page and a few scrawled sentences.

Tom,

I stopped by your room for our chat and found you missing. Strangely, I found Arthur missing, too… I wonder if the two incidents are related. In any case, I will stop by before breakfast in the morning instead. Get a good night’s sleep, if you are capable.

Yours,

Felix

In the excitement of the evening, I had forgotten that I had asked Felix for a conversation after dinner.

I groaned, setting the letter back down and making a mental note to do what I could to apologize in the morning, which now seemed terribly close.

Despite my insomnia, it had been a long time since I had stayed up so late after such strenuous activity, and sleep came upon me with little warning.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up to the sound of my drapes being drawn back before a shadow fell over me.

“My goodness,” Felix said, sounding appropriately scandalized. “Look at you. Do you have any idea how late it is?”

I groaned, dragging a hand over my face before opening one eye and looking up at him. He was clearly amused, and I struggled to sit up so he could take a seat on the lounge next to me. He did so with relish, plucking at the collar of my shirt. “That is quite the bruise, Tom.”

“Oh no,” I said, raising my hand to touch where he had indicated. “Is it really that bad?”

“You have several,” he said, touching them in turn and raising an eyebrow at me. “Did you really not know?”

“I fell asleep without looking in the mirror,” I said. “Is it really very late?”

“It’s well after ten,” he said, and I must have looked utterly blown away because he quickly laughed and patted me on the arm. “Don’t worry. You’re in good company this morning. Charles still hasn’t awoken, and both the Nelsons were up far after they usually rise as well.”

“And Arthur?” I asked, not missing the amused smirk that flitted across Felix’s face at the mention of the man’s name.

“Oh, he was quite on time, but he looks like death warmed over. And strangely enough he is wearing a shirt with a high collar this morning despite having no occasion to do so.”

“You are painfully obvious while fishing for information, my friend,” I said, leaning my head against the back of the lounge and closing my eyes against the summer sun now streaming in the glass doors of my balcony. “Just ask what you’d like to ask so I can go down to breakfast.”

“You and Arthur are in terrible moods for two men who spent the night doing what I think you were doing,” Felix said.

“I knew he was going to be unable to help himself as soon as you returned. He was spending the entirety of his time while you were gone scribbling in the library. I knew it wasn’t all preparation for the ball. ”

“What was he scribbling?” I asked, my curiosity piqued, but when I opened my eyes to look at him, Felix merely shrugged.

“I don’t know,” he said, the words ringing true.

“But he was damned miserable while you were gone. It doesn’t take a genius to put it together, and last night…

well, one of the maids told me that you had all indulged a little too much in celebration of your return.

When I arrived here for our conversation and found you missing, the pieces fell into place.

I’m just curious what you said to make him change his mind. ”

I considered him, brow furrowed. “Change his mind about what?”

“When things went so poorly with Rudolph, he swore off love,” Felix said, and it was basically a modified version of what I had heard before, that because of what had transpired in terms of the end of their relationship and the subsequent blackmail Arthur had decided it was safer for everyone if he just kept his emotions to himself from then on.

“I’m surprised but happy that he changed his mind. ”

“He didn’t,” I said, and in the sobering light of day it seemed like an albatross had just been placed around my neck, anchoring me back in reality.

The day before I had been so excited to see Arthur again, so consumed with the simple sight of him, that agreeing to a temporary relationship just to have the chance to bask in his light seemed well worth it.

Now that I had gotten a taste of it, though, a glimpse into what it would be like to have him love me, I had to admit to my own stupidity.

“I told him I thought we should be lovers until I had to leave.”

Felix was quiet for a moment, fidgeting with the end of his shirt sleeve, and when he spoke next there was an uncharacteristic gravity to his voice. “And he agreed?”

“Yes,” I said. “It is no fault of his. He was explicit with what he wanted and I was not. I lied to him about the depth of my own attraction, and I’m the one who will have to live with that choice.

I had hoped that I would be well away from here before the regret sank in, but I can see now that isn’t the case. ”

I looked at my companion and found that he was looking at the balcony, observing a bird that had come to perch on the railing.

At first I thought he may not have been listening, but he soon turned back to look at me.

“He wasn’t always like this,” he said. “Closed off and afraid. We grew up side by side, and Arthur was always sensitive, always so aware of what everyone around him was feeling. His father saw it almost as a defect, but his mother understood that this softness would make a good lord one day. When she died, I saw the change in him. He became so unwilling to allow anyone in. I thought with Rudolph he had uncovered that softness that he’d lost, and perhaps he had for a time, but everything that happened reopened those old wounds and undid the work he’d put into healing.

Truthfully, I don’t think he knows how thick the walls he’s erected are. ”

“So you think his capacity for love is truly gone?”

“No, I think it’s just so tightly locked away that it will take time and patience to uncover it,” Felix said, putting a hand on my knee and pushing himself to his feet.

“You’ve put a time limit on this relationship, but I don’t think you should count yourself a lost cause just yet.

Arthur cares for you more than he realizes, and if you let him grow to meet you… I think you’ll be okay.”

He turned to leave, and I was struck by a sudden thought, lurching unsteadily to my feet. “Wait! Felix, hold on. Did you know about Charles and Ida?”

Felix grinned, taking the bait splendidly. “It’s a lovely match, isn’t it?”

“Honestly, yes,” I said. Now that my shock from the night before had disappeared, I could easily see that Charles and Ida were well-suited for one another despite the difficult logistics surrounding the match.

Ida was smarter than Charles, which he desperately needed in a partner, and Charles was capable of an unfailing amount of love, something I knew all too well from my own relationship with him. “How long have you known?”

“I caught them together a few weeks ago,” Felix said. “They’re doing a poor job of keeping it hidden from the rest of the house, but they haven’t officially told anyone, at least not to my knowledge.”

I considered this, wondering if perhaps it was a less serious endeavor than I had first supposed.

I knew that Charles could be a Casanova, and far be it for me to damn either him or Ida for carrying on what amounted to a summer affair, but they made such a good couple that to think of them not caring a whit about one another was an impossibility.

“Thank you,” I said, considering everything that had transpired since I’d returned to Ashford Hall. “There’s a late breakfast set up?”

“Yes, in the sunroom,” Felix said. “I’ll see you when you’re more put-together, yes? And perhaps you should consider a high collar as well.”

I did as I was told, freshening up and finding a suitably high-collared shirt.

Once I no longer looked nor felt like death walking, I left my room and walked almost straight into Charles, who caught me by the arm as I nearly fell backwards.

He studied me briefly before grinning. “Poor Tom. Looks like you overindulged just as much as I did. Fools, the both of us.”

“I’ve been working for the past two weeks straight,” I said, clutching at his wrist in return before I steadied myself. “I think a little drunkenness was well called for.” I reached up, pressing my finger against the dark bags under his eyes. “And you look far worse for wear.”