Page 45

FELIX AND I caught an early train from Paddington with our destination Taunton, my friend having promised to keep an eye on the house and to ensure that any services I’d employed were halted while I was out of town.

I cannot begin to describe the joy I felt at having Felix in London, his mere presence bringing me back to the way I’d felt that summer so many years before.

We spent the evening at a pub not too far from my house and then chatted for hours once we finally returned, but Felix was reticent to explain anything that had transpired after I had left; like the postscript on Charles’s letter, he would only admit vaguely that a lot had happened since my departure.

We had a private carriage on the train, the journey only a little more than four hours in length, and with no pressing business remaining in London—and a note left for Mr. Hughes despite Felix’s assurance that Charles had taken care of it—I readily settled in for the trip.

With the rails now reliable and relatively affordable, taking an uncomfortable carriage was no longer the most fashionable form of transportation.

“When was the last time you were in London?” I asked Felix as the train began to move, the city starting to slip by.

He looked thoughtful, tilting his head back against the plush headrest of the bench. “I suppose it would have been… six years ago? When my sister had her oldest. I don’t much care for the city.”

“No?” I asked, looking out the window at the sprawling city, smoke rising from buildings and the bustle of everyday life visible from the rails. “I suppose if you didn’t grow up here it might not have as much charm. You’ll need to come back for a true visit when things have settled down somewhat.”

Felix laughed, shaking his head. “You’ll be lucky if Charles lets you come back to London after this is all said and done, Tom.

When he admitted everything to me… I’ve never seen him cry that way, not since his mother died at least. He was physically ill the night that you left.

I don’t think you realize just how important you are to both of the Ashford brothers. ”

“I can’t imagine Arthur will be pleased to see me,” I said.

“You and Charles must be prepared for that outcome. Whatever happened that night, it was a chain reaction of misery. I took it out on you and Arthur, and the things I said to him were beyond reproach.” I sighed, looking down at my hands.

“I want nothing more than to reconcile with him, and I know that I need to face him so we can move on, but I don’t think there will be a happy ending after what took place. ”

Felix shook his head. “After what James did to all of us, I think you should have some optimism. Besides, I can tell you without a doubt that Arthur hasn’t moved on. Have you?”

“No,” I admitted, recalling my three years of celibacy; before Arthur, I had been a frequent member of such gentlemen’s clubs that catered to men like myself, but since leaving Ashford Hall, I hadn’t indulged in anything of the sort.

“But I wouldn’t blame him for being distrusting of forming another relationship. I told him I was blackmailing him.”

Felix started at this admission, looking at me with wide eyes. “You said that to him?”

“I wasn’t going to tell him that Charles was driving me out,” I said. “There was no use in destroying two relationships, so I convinced him that I had stolen a love letter and Charles had caught me.”

Felix brought his hand to his mouth, chewing distractedly on a hangnail. “Charles was wondering why Arthur hadn’t blamed him for your departure. Thomas… your quick thinking may come back to bite you.”

“I know,” I said quietly. “I took the thing he was most frightened of happening and used it against him. I would not be surprised if he never forgives me.”

Felix shook his head. “No,” he said finally.

“No, this can still be fixed. I think neither of you realizes the impact you’ve had on one another.

” He was quiet for a moment, considering me, and then abruptly smiled.

“Anyway, there’s no use considering what might happen.

I feel like everything will work out, but we won’t know for certain until we arrive.

Now, I swore to Charles I would tell you nothing of what he’s been up to since you left, but I can at least tell you what I’ve been doing. ”

“I assumed you went back to being Arthur’s manservant,” I said, surprised. “Your father did return from Essex, right?”

“He did, but he decided that he was past the age where he could be of much assistance to Arthur. He and my mother now seem to devote much of their time to gardening. So I’m still head butler, just permanently now.

Although from my understanding, the leeway Arthur gives me is atypical of what’s usually received by people of my standing.

Being raised alongside him has made him more fond of me than I realized.

” He shook his head, refocusing. “Anyway, my employment isn’t the important part. What have you heard of the Nelsons?”

I hummed softly at the question, thinking. “Not much at all,” I admitted. “I read that Rudolph had been back to France but nothing further than that. We have few friends in common.”

“So you saw that much,” he said. We had passed out of London now, the city left behind for the more sparsely populated suburbs, and in no time at all we would be into the countryside. “I have a confession to make.”

I looked at him, wondering what exactly he was getting at; Felix was not a man who talked much about himself, a trait I had noticed in those who had been raised to believe that they were meant to serve, and for him to do so now was a clear indication that he had something important to admit.

“You can tell me anything,” I said without further hesitation.

“The summer before last, I was doing my nightly rounds when I came upon Rudy in the parlor. From what I understand, he had been drinking and playing games with Charles and Ida, but they had retired and left him alone. He asked if I’d play whist with him, and I agreed.

One thing led to another, we both had too much to drink, and…

.” He was turning pink now, a flush creeping over his cheeks and throat. “We fell into bed.”

Shocked was an understatement when it came to the emotion that flashed through me at the admission.

I was quiet for a long time after he said that, contemplating the confession, but at the end of every train of thought was the same terminus: that it honestly made some kind of sense.

Rudolph was boisterous, confident, loud, and Felix was steadfast and collected.

They made a strangely fitting pair, and it wasn’t as though Felix had anything to worry about when it came to good looks.

He was as handsome as Rudolph, freckled and blue-eyed, and I could easily see how Rudolph would have allowed himself to succumb to temptation.

“Say something,” he said, and I laughed, unable to stop myself.

“So you slept with him,” I said in response, and I could see from the way the tension ebbed from his shoulders that he had clearly been expecting something other than acceptance of what had taken place.

“Why would I judge you for that? You’ve known the man for years. It’s not as though he was a stranger.”

“No, and to be quite honest, he’s flirted with me before,” Felix said.

“I thought I was imagining it and he was just being friendly, but he confirmed it for me.” He paused, rubbing at his jaw before continuing.

“Anyway, after that first night it became, well… a habit. A habit I quite liked, to be honest. I don’t think either of us were expecting it to be anything serious.

He is quite my superior in terms of class and status, so I assumed it was just a way to pass the time for him.

After all, I knew of his relationship with Arthur, which ended poorly, and I knew he’d attempted, however halfheartedly, to court you.

I thought I was the latest in a string of romances. ”

“You thought all of this, but the way you’re speaking tells me you were proven wrong.”

“That’s the thing,” Felix said. “Ever since they’ve returned from France, Rudy has been talking about using some of his money to buy a home there.

He’d like to winter on the Riviera, and last November he decided he would go down and see about procuring some property.

He had no sooner left than I fell terribly ill.

I’ve never been so sick in my life. It was pneumonia brought on by overwork, and Arthur quickly fetched a doctor and I was prescribed bed rest. However, there were times where even the doctor thought I might not pull through.

I had my relative good health to thank that I did not die. That isn’t the important part, though.”

“His brief visit to France,” I said, the puzzle beginning to fall into place.

“Yes. I’m not sure how word got to Rudy, but someone must have mentioned my poor health to him, even if it was just in passing.

He immediately cut short his business there and returned to England, returned to me .

” Felix was fully red now, his gaze averted as though looking at me would embarrass him too fully.

“I had assumed until that point that I was a convenience, that there was no love involved, but he returned from another country to be by my side when I was barely even conscious enough to know that he was there.”

I had always been a romantic at heart, and Felix’s story was making me genuinely emotional, my hands clasped in my lap as I leaned forward on my seat and looked at him intently. “You and Rudolph have fallen in love. Actual love!”