Page 46 of Angel of Light (Lords of The Commission: New York #5)

ALISON

“I gather you were waiting for my call?” I asked as soon as Diego picked up.

“I can’t say I’m surprised to hear from you so soon. Women do tend to get things done more efficiently.” His voice was like rough silk, all rugged in the right places but smooth and enchanting as if he were lulling me into his trap.

“I don’t need the ego stroke, Diego. I need to set up a meeting, and since you’re such a believer in women’s empowerment, you’ll come and listen to my proposition.”

“Proposition? That means you haven’t fixed our predicament.” I could sense the change in his tone, the tension behind his words telling me this was absolutely not what he was expecting.

“Fixing broken things isn’t a good deal to start with,” I said, trying to defuse his unspoken reservations. “Especially when the extent of the damage is impossible to assess. It’s best to replace it with something new. Band-Aids don't work for every wound.”

“I’m not sure I’m enjoying where this is headed, even if your metaphors are creative.”

“Perfect, then you’ll meet with me tomorrow so we can iron out those creases.”

“Not funny.” He deadpanned, and I couldn’t help but smile.

So ruthless was the Cartel Lord, and yet something gave me the impression that I could push a few more buttons and suffer no repercussions.

Maybe because of my brother. Maybe because of the whole freaking Mafia that would stand and uproar and join a war if he touched me.

The power trip was real, and I was enjoying the dose of adrenaline that, for a few minutes, drowned out the dejections hiding under the surface.

“Ten a.m. at the Ritz,” I said, shaking those thoughts from my head. “Or I can come and sit in your kitchen and drink your coffee while you sleep, like a creep. Oh wait, you’ve done that already.”

“This better be good, Miss Battaglia. My time is either paid for or bled for. Let’s hope this proposition of yours fulfills the former. I don’t like to ruin pretty things, but I will if I have to.”

“So long as your mind is solely on the money, this is an opportunity of a lifetime. I’m sure you’ll be unable to refuse.” I hope.

“Looking forward to it.” I cut the call and finally pushed the key into the lock.

The door clicked shut behind me, sucking me back into the despondency I masked as I spoke to the enemy.

My apartment was dark and still, just how I’d left it after Diego desecrated the space with his presence, pulling on that small thread that had a string of truths unraveling after that cup of coffee.

Except now, this place held the echo of a different kind of invasion.

One that came with soft words and loving smiles, a mouth that pleaded for forever while hiding every reason it never could.

I slid down the door once it closed behind me, sat on the floor like some goddamn tragedy, and let my head fall into my hands. Every ounce of excitement that call had running through my veins evaporated as soon as the slight scent of him hit my nose.

How had my space absorbed him so quickly? How had my soul?

You weren’t worth it.

You weren’t enough.

I’d spent my whole life fighting to be seen. To be respected. To be heard in a room full of men who thought power only came wrapped in testosterone and a pair of balls.

And now, the one person who made me feel chosen had been sent to choose me for something else.

What did that make me?

A means to an end.

And I’d fallen in love with it.

Faint footsteps echoed in the hall. I could feel him just outside my door. In a split second, I was choosing violence and pain. Because fuck him.

Pulling out my phone again, I got up from the floor and marched towards the kitchen. I dialed Jackson’s number, telling him Jimmy was doing as requested and that I was ready to cash in our favor. I might have spoken louder than warranted just to make sure he was listening.

Right on queue, Max barged in to catch the part of the conversation I wanted him to listen to. My phone was on speaker, resting on the counter as I stood there, bracing myself.

“You want to come over?” I asked, my eyes set on the phone, but I could feel Max marching towards me. Each footstep making my heart beat faster.

“I’d love that, Princess. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

“Don’t fucking bother,” Max roared over my shoulder, “If you so much as knock on her door, I will shoot you. Come within five fucking blocks of her apartment, and you’ll be in a shallow ditch by midnight.”

Before I could say another word, Max ended the call.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I snapped.

“I’m not leaving,” he barked, his breath ragged and jaw clenched in fury. “Not until you hear me out.”

“It’s a little too late for revelations, Max.

You should have thought of that before. What do you need to talk about now?

How much of a worthy bargaining chip I am?

How much of a fool I was for falling for your sweet words and confessions?

Or to brag about how you fucked me with the intention of using me as leverage? ”

“That’s not what happened!” He paced the room like a caged animal, tugging on his hair like the thoughts inside were clawing their way out. “I never meant that, Alison. I told him what I had to. To protect you.”

I laughed. It was bitter and hollow, full of contempt and pain. “Do you really expect me to believe that? That all of the lies, the mission, the sex, were just you playing knight in fucking shining armor?”

“Yes,” he growled. “Because that’s exactly what it was.”

“No,” I shook my head, backing away as he slowly walked towards me. “That was manipulation. You don’t get to twist that into a love story, Max. This was infiltration, mafia tactics to get what you wanted. You seduced me as an order. You made me love you as per his request.”

“I defied his orders!” His voice cracked louder than the walls of my heart could hold.

“I walked away from the plan. I gave it all up because you meant more to me than any damn oath. You were supposed to be a task, a target, a job, but you walked into my life and turned everything into fucking chaos.”

“Good,” I shouted, my chest heaving as I tried to keep my emotions at bay. “Because you turned me into collateral.”

Max shook his head violently, stepping closer until we were toe to toe, both of us breathing like we were seconds away from waging our war.

“Do you think it was easy for me? Watching you live your life while I stayed in the goddamn shadows? You think that didn’t kill me every fucking day?”

“Don’t,” I whispered, tears burning at the corners of my eyes. “Don’t you dare turn this around.”

“I protected you!” he roared. “I loved you enough to stay away. To let you hate me. To keep my hands off you while you flirted, and dated, and fucked other men while I stood back, swallowing every ounce of fury so I wouldn’t ruin your fucking life!”

My stomach twisted with the pain etched in his words.

“I wanted to kill every one of those bastards. Every guy who touched you. Laughed with you. Earned your smiles. Got to hold you when I couldn't. You think I didn’t hear you brag about it to your friends? You think I didn’t want to rip their throats out just to make sure they’d never say your name again? ”

His voice dropped even further, hoarse and broken, and somehow more violent than before. “Do you know what it’s like to love someone so deeply that every breath they take feels like it’s yours, and still have to pretend it means nothing? That you feel nothing?”

My chest cracked open, and my tears fell without permission.

“I wanted to be yours,” he said, softer now, but the pain was so much louder that it was screaming at my heart despite his whisper.

“God, I wanted to be yours. But I was always meant to ruin you, by loving you or not. Diego would kill you the moment he caught news that I had fallen in love. The moment he found out that my heart was irrevocably yours. So I chose to disappear instead. I said those things to Vincenzo so he’d never touch you, to keep you away from both of their scopes.

So he’d think you weren’t the answer to his problems. I gave him the perfect reason to leave you the fuck alone, and instead, you ran straight into the trap. ”

“You mean the one you helped lay?” I shot back, my voice trembling now. “You don’t get to play victim when you’re the one who handed him the blueprint to my fucking soul.”

Max reached for me then, his eyes desperate. His hands grasped my face, pulling me towards him so that his words weren’t lost between us. Resting his forehead on mine, he whispered, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Sorry is not enough.”

“None of it mattered because none of it changed what I feel for you. I should have told you the truth, but it’s a part of me I don’t want.

I wanted to forget, and you made me want to live instead of exist. You’re my salvation, Alison.

The reason for every breath. I love you. I always have and I always will.”

I believed him. I wanted to believe him, but it wasn’t enough anymore. There was no quick fix for our problems, and I couldn’t hurt the ones I loved. So instead, I settled for hurting myself again.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m marrying another man. I’m becoming your sister in-law when I could have been your wife.”

The flood of tears fell then, drenching his fingers and making me realise that, more than his lies, more than the words he used to protect me, what hurt was the notion that he could have been mine from the start. Deception or not.

Fucking sick, I know.

Instead of answering, Max kissed me, and for the briefest of moments, I couldn’t help but lean in and kiss him back. I could taste his pain and desperation in that kiss. Feel the need to consume me and keep me. The craving to love me out in the open.

So I pulled back. I couldn’t go through this heartache in stages. I needed a quick pull to end my misery.

Because no matter how my body remembered him, no matter how deeply my soul had carved a space for him to live forever, I couldn’t pretend that his love hadn’t torn me apart.

I stood still in his arms and let the kiss die between us like a lit match in the rain.

When he pulled back, his eyes were wrecked. Wounded. There was so much pain in those blue eyes that I could almost see myself reflected in them. Tears welled behind them, too, as he swallowed dryly, acknowledging we’d reached our final destination.

“Please leave,” I said, my voice small and steady despite the way my heart roared beneath it.

“Ali–”

“Please, Max. Don’t break me more.”

He didn’t move at first. Like he thought I might change my mind. Like he could rewrite the past with one more plea and make it all okay.

Max nodded once, slow and broken, before walking to the door with his shoulders dragging low, like the whole world had just crashed over him.

The door clicked shut, and I closed my eyes as tight as they would go, trying my damndest not to cry my heart out but failing miserably.

Because, for the second time today, I was left standing in the rubble of a love that never left the confines of our hearts.