Page 23 of Angel of Light (Lords of The Commission: New York #5)

“My mother was nothing more than a dispensable mistress to my father. A beautiful, desperate woman who believed in fairy tales long after the monsters started showing their sharp teeth. She met him when she was twenty-three. Thought he was going to save her.” I chuckled at the absurdity.

“Instead, he turned her into a secret. A pretty little mess he kept tucked away in an apartment on the edge of town. I didn’t even meet the guy until I was almost six.

By then, I’d figured out he was rich, married, and that I was the ‘mistake’ who came after a long string of nights he swore didn’t mean anything.

” Alison walked towards me slowly, as if any sudden move could break the fragile place we were in.

She was right.

This vulnerability didn’t suit me. Not anymore. Not since my father beat it out of me since I was a little kid.

How I was allowing Alison to see this ugly side of me was beyond me. No one was ever welcome in this putrid side of my heart.

“He was powerful. Dangerous. And when I was seven, she told him he’d either have to step up, or she’d tell his wife about me.

She thought I needed a father figure. That I deserved better.

” My voice caught in my throat at the memory of that night, but I didn’t stop, “My father wasn’t a man who liked to be cornered like that.

Mafiosos set the rules and demand others to follow, not the other way around.

She wanted more. Not even for herself. For me.

She said I deserved a name that meant something.

A future. A father. Look how that turned out.

” I laughed again, but there was no amusement in that acidic sound.

I didn’t notice the moment when Alison had slipped her hand into mine again, anchoring me, but somehow, I was drawing strength from the gesture. As if with her, I could face my demons and slay them once and for all.

“His answer was silence, for days, maybe hoping she’d either forget or reconsider.

Then he showed up like nothing had happened.

He told her he wanted to ‘talk it through.’ She made me wait in the kitchen.

I heard them arguing. She was crying, telling him she wasn’t scared.

That she wouldn’t back down. And then...

nothing. Just this short sound like a crack, followed by a loud thud. ”

I could still hear it. Still feel it in my bones.

“I don’t even remember running into the kitchen.

But I’ll never forget the sight before me.

She was on the floor, her eyes wide and lifeless.

He stepped over her towards me, grasping my shoulders.

He said, ‘ Your mama made a very stupid mistake, Gabriel. Made men don’t take orders, and you’ll learn that after you’re done here .

’ Then, one of his men tossed me a shovel and told me to bury her in the woods behind our house. Alone.”

Alison’s breath hitched, barely audible.

My throat burned as I kept going, but fuck me if this wasn’t just pouring out of me like a damn waterfall, and there was nothing I could do to keep the words inside me.

I’d never relived this moment. I hadn’t ever allowed myself to do it, much less do it out loud for someone else to listen.

“She was light. So fucking light, Alison. Like all life had drained out of her long before I got her into the dirt. I used my bare hands when the ground got too hard to dig through. I could hardly see anything between the darkness of the night and the tears that blurred my vision. I cried the whole time. Mud in my mouth. Blood on my knees. I promised myself I would never fucking cry again. You made me break that promise when I thought I’d lost you to that goddamn bomb. ”

There were tears in her eyes now, an understanding I knew all too fucking well that I didn’t deserve.

“When he came back hours later, I was just sitting there with her. He didn’t ask if I was okay. Didn’t even look at the spot I buried her. Just said, ‘ Stop crying. You don’t have a mama anymore, so it’s time you stopped being a little mama’s boy. I’m gonna make a man out of you. ’”

I clenched my jaw, the words still etched in acid. “Then he grabbed me by the collar and dragged me to the car. On the way to my new home, he said, ‘ You wanted a father, didn’t you? Congratulations, kid. Now you’ve got one. ’”

Only then did I notice that his words to me that night were branded in my soul. Every syllable. Every tone inflection. Every emotion they tore from me.

Silence stretched between us as I watched Alison swallow the lump in her throat, her eyes wide and watery.

“I’m sorry,” She whispered, her eyes falling to the floor.

“Yeah.”

I had used all the words I had. There were none left to subtitle my feelings.

Her hand cupped my cheek ever so gently, directing me to look into her eyes, “It was not your fault.”

“It sure fucking feels like it,” I confessed.

“It wasn’t. Your mother was fighting for her son, like every loving mother would.”

“Well, she lost. She wasn’t the only one who died that night.”

“Gabriel…” She whispered, knowing what I meant. The light in me had died, too.

There was something dangerous and holy in the way Alison was looking at me.

And then she kissed me like she was soothing every demon from my past. There was so much love in her gesture that my heart felt lighter in my chest, and just for a moment, the past didn’t weigh quite as heavy as it always had.

“ Angelo,” Angel. She whispered the pet name I’d given her against my lips, “Fai l’amore con me.” Make love to me.

“Fuck, Alison. I can’t,” I panted, my forehead falling to hers. “My ghosts are too awake to allow me to be caring. Too raw for tender.” I sighed, telling her exactly what monster I was, “I’m too fucked up to hold back on my cravings if I touch you right now.”

“Good,” She replied, pulling on the hems of her camisole and tugging it over her head before unzipping her skirt and letting it fall around her feet. “I told you once that I preferred my gentlemen not to be gentle.”