Page 31

CHAPTER 31

anna

J anuary brought winter semester and a victory at the National Championships for Knoxville. But along with the wind and freezing temps came more uncertainty. Not less. We were running out of time.

The day after Valentine’s Day, I stood at Granny and Gramps’s house, at the head of the dining room table, in front of my entire family. Miss Lisa, my other grandma, was there, holding baby Sophie Clementine in her arms. Even Ford had driven up for this. Along with Blue, Brook, Tally, and Madden. Dr. Atkins and his cute wife were there too. And Huckleberry. I reached down and scrubbed him on the head.

“We’re ready, whenever you are,” Silas said.

My hands were shaking so badly I could barely scroll to the email I’d received the day before. I don’t know why I was so nervous. If I didn’t get into vet school this year it wasn’t the end of the world. Sometimes it took a few tries. And maybe it would be for the best. Then Blue could go ahead and be settled about doing the NFL Draft. He’d confirmed his status but he was still sitting on a proverbial fence. I knew he was waiting to see what I was doing. Maybe a rejection was the answer we needed. I could always do vet school down the road. Way down the road. Whenever Blue retired from football.

I looked up at all of them. “I might not get in, guys. Ford, you might’ve come all this way for nothing.”

He winked. “Coming home is never for nothing.”

“He was long overdue,” Granny said.

“You’ve got this,” Duncle Silas said, his arm around Lemon.

I peeked at Dr. Atkins standing against the kitchen counter. His eyes were twinkling. Maybe he already knew my fate.

“O-pen it. O-pen it. O-pen it,” James and Brooklyn, who were sitting next to each other, pounded on the table, starting a chorus. Ashton, Holden, and Christy joined in, followed by everyone else.

“Okay, okay,” I smiled. But I quickly glanced at Blue just to see what he was feeling. A small smile teased at the edges of his mouth. But I could see the worry in his eyes. Maybe he felt like our relationship was riding on this as much as I did.

He mouthed the words all to pieces and it gave me the courage I needed. I looked down at the phone. In the time it had taken me to get up my nerve, a text had appeared. My stomach knotted at the name but I flicked up with my pointer finger, sending it out of my mind. Or at least I tried.

I gripped my phone, double-handed, and bit my lip as I clicked on the email. I told myself I wouldn’t scan ahead. I would only read one word at a time. But my eyes went there anyway. Relief and despair swirled together, forming a tumbleweed in my chest.

“Anna?” Lemon encouraged.

I swallowed. “Okay. Here we go.”

Dear Ms. Dupree,

On behalf of the Admissions Committee, it is my pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted for admission to the Doctor of Vet?—

Brooklyn jumped up so fast her chair flipped backward, hitting the ground with a slam. “Squee! You got in!” She screamed, her fists thrust to the ceiling.

“A-rooooo,” Huckleberry sang.

The room erupted in laughter. In three seconds, I was engulfed in hugs and well wishes.

Silas and Lemon sandwiched me in a squeeze. Dr. Atkins rubbed me on the head like I was five. I chortled. I got into vet school. I actually got in. My mind couldn’t even comprehend. It had been my dream since I was a little girl.

“Oh my goodness.” I grinned. But it felt like someone had cracked my ribs open and yanked my heart out. I wasn’t going with Blue in the spring. There was no chance for that now.

It took all my might, but I held the hurt in while everyone congratulated me. Even Madden offered me a fist bump. Everyone but Blue. He held back, watching, always a proud smile on his face. But I knew deep down he was as heartbroken and confused as me. If we were meant to be, why wasn’t this working out?

“I don’t know,” I said once Gramps was done squeezing the stuffing out of me. “Maybe I shouldn’t go.”

“What?” Silas said, too intensely.

I ran a hand across my brow. “I mean, it’s so expensive.”

“Anna,” Ford said like come on . “I’ve gotchu.”

“No. We’ve got her,” Gramps said, an arm around Granny.

“We can help,” Christy said.

“Absolutely,” Holden agreed.

Ashton cupped his hands and shouted, “I’ll cover her pencils.” Which elicited laughter from everyone. Ash had only been a professor for a couple of years. He was still getting his feet under him.

“No. She’s our kid,” Silas said. Lemon nodded next to him. “We’ll cover it.” He lifted his chin up at Ford. “We’ll let you pay for her books.”

Ford rolled his eyes and smiled. “Don’t worry about the money. You put in the work. You got in. You’re going.”

“Yeah.” I nodded, gripping the back of the chair. “Okay.” My eyes were welling. I had to get out of there. “I just…I need to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” I spun on my heel and hurried down the hall to the restroom right outside of Silas and Holden’s old bedroom. I flipped on the light and closed the door behind me.

I stared at myself in the mirror, a sob wracking in my chest. My lungs heaved, a dam about to burst. But then the door cracked open. The noise from the dining room, abuzz with excitement and conversation, reverberated as Blue slipped inside.

He locked the door and turned to face me. His bone-weary gaze anchored to mine. He was asking too many questions with that stare and I didn’t have an answer for any of them. When I couldn’t hold it any longer, I closed my eyes and let go, sobs taking over my body.

His arms wove around me, pulling me to him. “Hey. You got in. That’s awesome. I’m so proud of you.”

“But now I can’t go with you.” Once again, my face was back against his neck. He held me, letting me cry until the collar of his shirt was soaked. Which was a tragedy. It was the plaid shirt he’d worn at the Seddledowne Homecoming game. He knew it was my favorite and he’d worn it just to make me happy. My heart stuttered and I knew he felt it. He always did.

“Anna,” he finally whispered. “You’re even thinner than before. If you don’t start eating…”

But I couldn’t. Nothing sounded appetizing anymore.

“I can’t do long distance…I d-don’t…” I choked. “I don’t understand. I thought it would work out.”

He offered me the saddest smile I’d ever seen. “Did you actually not want to get in?”

I lowered my eyes. “Yes. No. I don’t know. All I know is I want to be with you and I want vet school. And I don’t know how to make that happen.”

He trapped my face between his hands, his eyes intense. “I don’t want you to worry about it another second. I’ll retire from football. I’ll transfer to Tech this fall.”

What? Dread filled me. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I shook my head. “No. That’s insane. You’re not quitting football. I won’t let you.”

“Ok. Well, then I’ll finish my last two years at Knoxville. We can do long-distance that long, right? Then I’ll retire and move to Blacksburg to be with you for your last two years of vet school.”

“You’re not staying in Knoxville, driving back and forth, wearing yourself out. And I won’t be able to drive down on the weekends in vet school. It’s not sustainable.”

He smoothed my bangs back. “Exactly. That’s why I’m retiring. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to make a relationship work and it’s my turn to do the sacrificing.”

“ No, ” I whisper-shouted. “You’re not quitting football.”

“I’m not quitting you .” His tone was gentle.

I couldn’t let him do this. Whatever it took, I had to make him see he needed to keep playing. Moving forward in his career. Football was in his blood. His every heartbeat. It was all over his face when he was on the field. I steeled myself, making my words hard. “If you don’t go for the draft, we’re done.”

“It sounds like we’re done if I do. I’m going to step back from football, Anna. That’s the answer.”

“Blue.” I pressed my hands to my cheeks, feeling completely helpless. “If you quit because of me, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life and you’ll end up hating me.” Along with his dad and the entire nation.

“If I lose you, I’ll hate the rest of my life. Don’t you understand that?”

As much as I hated to admit it, his dad was right. I was a distraction. Blue was thinking of quitting his dream because of me. I’d read and reread Shane’s text messages. Memorized them meticulously because of the constant loop they ran on in my mind.

I didn’t like Blue’s dad. Not by a long shot. But he was right on this one thing. Blue was destined for greatness and I was getting in the way of that. I’d held on as tight as I could and all it had done was make him doubt. It was time to stop being selfish.

My heart felt like it was cracking in two. “I can’t let you quit football. I won’t. I need you to reach your potential. I’ll never forgive myself if you don’t.”

He cupped my face in his hands and looked into my eyes for a long moment. Then a wave of resignation washed over him. “What do you need from me? Just tell me and I’ll do it. Whatever you need. Lay it on me.” His eyes squeezed shut like he didn’t want to do this but he was pushing through anyway. “You want to be friends? We’ll be friends. Best friends? Best friends with kissing benefits? I’ll be the best freaking friend slash make-out buddy you’ve ever seen. Whatever you want. Whatever you’ll give me. Please, Anna . I just…I need you in my life.”

I needed him too. Desperately.

I pulled him against me. His arms wrapped around my waist. I fingered a lock of hair at the nape of his neck. This adorable man was in constant need of a haircut. The tip of my nose brushed his. We just stood there, breathing together.

Why had he come back into my life if it was only going to come to this?

I didn’t understand any of it.

“I’m so sorry,” I said in a hush. Then I kissed him. His lips pushed back, gentle yet forceful, putting heat in my chest and my belly. Sparks of electricity jolted through me. I lived to be kissed by him. To be loved by him. How could I go on without this? A sob rose up in my throat and I shoved it back down. My stupid emotions were not going to get the best of me.

Not when this might be our last kiss.

His thumbs brushed over my cheekbones as he tilted his head deeper, his tongue sliding against mine. My pointer finger hooked around the chain on his neck. I whimpered as he pulled me closer. These moments when he kissed me, when his mouth was fused to mine…these memories were going to haunt me every day. I would miss this so much.

His mouth moved past my lips, pressing kisses over my cheeks.

“I don’t know how to be just friends with you,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Shhh,” he murmured, trapping my face in his hands again. “Stop thinking. Just let us have this, right here, okay?”

So I clenched his shirt in my fists and leaned into him, getting lost in his touch, his mouth, his warmth. The rhythm, the rightness, the tenderness…it was making me delirious. My entire body purred. I didn’t know anything about our future but I knew this man loved me. You didn’t kiss a woman this way if you didn’t. There was no lust, no smut. Just pure, unadulterated love. As if he could bear his whole soul with this one last act.

It was a goodbye kiss for the books.

When he stepped back, I stumbled against the counter, love-drunk. But what did this mean? I looked up to see Blue watching me with so much adoration in his eyes.

His hands propped on his hips as his chest heaved. His eyes were wet. “I will love you until the day I die. I need you to know that. And I’ll wait, if that’s what you need. If that’s what it takes for you to understand that football is nothing and you’re everything .”

I looked down at the floor, unable to believe his words. “I love you, Blue. I always will. If it’s not you, then it’s nobody. I just…I don’t know how to make this work right now.”

He reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “It’s okay. We’re going to take a step back. Give each other some space. For however long you need. If that means until you’re done with vet school then that’s fine. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

I nodded, hating this. But loving him more in that moment than I ever had.

He stared at me for a few more seconds before reaching into his pocket. He pulled my phone out and handed it to me. I’d left it on the table.

I glanced down at the screen to see Shane’s latest message open.

Shane

Blue's lucky to have had you in his life. But sometimes, the kindest thing we can do for someone we love is to let them go.

My gaze flashed up to Blue’s. There was anger burning in his eyes.

“I blocked him for you. And I don’t want you to unblock him.” His tone was stern. “Ever.”

I shrunk back against the counter, so ashamed. I should’ve told him about the messages but I hadn’t because Shane was right. I was holding Blue back. I kept the messages as a reminder that Blue needed to go pro and I needed to let him.

His expression was intense. “It doesn’t matter what he thinks. What anyone else thinks. We make our own rules. You got me?”

I sunk down, my face hot. But I nodded.

“I’m in this for good, Anna. No matter how long it takes. You’ll see.” He leaned over and pressed one last kiss to my lips. “All to damn pieces.”

Then he pulled the door open and walked out of my life.