Page 18

CHAPTER 18

anna

I clapped for Chloe, relieved it was almost over. Blue was so close I could smell him. His aftershave or deodorant was musky, like sandalwood and sea air. He kept chuckling like he’d never been happier, and every time he did, his ridiculous dimple would appear. I swear that thing had magical magnetic powers. Every time it showed up I wanted to fling myself into his arms. The fingers on his left hand kept drumming at his waist. His throwing hand. Why, after all these years, did I still find the fact that he was left-handed so stupidly attractive?

He glanced over at me, a grin splitting his face, those hazel eyes trying to tug me toward him like he wasn’t the same guy who’d devastated me at a televised press conference last week. But he apologized on all his socials. I shut that line of thinking down immediately. No . Too little, too late. Someone had created a hashtag for all the haters to tag me as they spit vitriol all over the internet. #BackwoodsBarbie had far surpassed #Blupree. His apology had done little to squelch it. Most people thought he was just posting it to look like a good guy. Some said he was backpedaling because Ford had threatened to sue him. Which had sent the hate in Ford’s direction. Super fun.

Blue caught my eye and winked. I sucked in a stuttered breath, my stupid lungs betraying me. Yeah. I had a serious weakness when it came to Blue Bishop and I needed to get the heck out of here and get control of myself.

As soon as the song ended, I marched off the field ahead of everyone else. I wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to wait and walk off last with Blue. But I needed to put people and space between us. As I reached the bottom of the bleachers, I gave myself one glance into the stands and saw that Tally and Brooklyn were standing in front of Madden, chatting and laughing. Then I took off. I sent a quick text in our besties thread, letting them know that I was headed back to my family’s house for the night. They were both sleeping at their parents’ houses anyway. We’d ride back to Sweet Grass together tomorrow afternoon.

I was impressed at how quickly I could walk in heels. Truly impressed. I must’ve set some kind of walking-in-heels record. I made it past the concessions stand before I realized I was being followed. Blue was behind me. I knew because everyone kept calling his name as he walked by. I peeked over my shoulder and dang if he wasn’t smiling, amused as he strode a constant fifteen feet in my wake.

“Blue!” An older woman, wearing a Rocky Top Me sweatshirt, stepped in his path. “Can I have your autograph?”

Frustration crossed his face but he stopped.

“Haha. Sucker,” I muttered, kicking my heels into overdrive. What was he planning to do anyway? Say something to make himself feel better about the press conference, probably. But it would just hurt me like all the times before. I was so done being hurt by Blue Bishop.

“Anna,” he called as I went flying through the ticket booth area. “Anna,” he tried again, this time followed by a frustrated chuckle. I went faster, almost at a trot.

A man with a microphone, followed by another guy with a video camera on his shoulder, cut him off. Had they climbed out of the bushes? “Blue, can we get a statement about the state of your amnesia?”

“Yes!” Blue yelled, shifting to a canter without slowing at all. “It’s gone. Done-zo. I don’t have it anymore.”

What?

“Anna, please stop,” he called as I hoofed it across the blacktop of the student lot. He was gaining speed, his footfalls pounding a few feet behind me. I jogged. Why had I parked in the stupid teacher’s lot, farthest from the field?

When I hit the corner of the school his frustratingly strong fingers went around my wrist. He gently shoved me against the brick wall of the high school, locking me between his arms. “Good grief. Maybe you should play for Knoxville. You’re really fast.” His lungs heaved. He licked his lips and laughed, his hooded eyes taking me in like they wanted to devour me.

I shrugged, crossing my arms to keep myself from touching him. Because oh my goodness did I want to put my hands all over that fine body. But I couldn’t. No. Touching Blue would only bring heartbreak. “I think you’re just out of shape. Too much lying in a hospital bed.”

His eyes sparkled. “Yeah. Maybe.” He was wearing a plaid button-down shirt that was fitted. Not one of those baggy ones old men at church wear. No, this thing looked like it had been hand-tailored to hug him just right, showing off the perfection of his muscled torso. He’d probably worn it on purpose to distract me. My chest bloomed with heat just looking at him.

I scrunched my nose and stared at his shoulder. It was safer than looking at that face. “You shouldn’t lie to reporters. They’re going to find out when you have your next appointment.”

“I didn’t lie.” His eyes sparkled, darting over my face. “I remember everything .”

My breath caught. “Really? Okay. What’s my favorite color?”

His eyes pinned me. “Green. The same color as the fields on your farm in late spring.”

Lucky guess. A very specific lucky guess. “Well…what’s my favorite thing about summer?”

“Fireflies.” He grinned. “But you should still call them lightning bugs or you’re a traitor to the south.”

I gasped and hid it with a cough. “Did I break up with you because you were…” My voice shook. I was in a losing battle with my lungs, trying to keep my tone steady.

“Poor? No, and I’m sorry I believed that.” He gulped, out of breath, and I didn’t think it had anything to do with the jogging. His eyes turned down. “We broke up because my dad took the money he was supposed to use for my ticket, went to Vegas, and gambled it all away.”

My hands flew out, gripping his biceps. “You didn’t tell me that.”

He tilted his head to the side. “Would it have made a difference?”

We stared into each other’s eyes.

“Maybe. I don’t know.” My heart constricted. “The truth is you broke me the day you told me you were moving. One minute you were this person I thought I could always count on to be there. And the next…you weren’t. When you told me you weren’t coming home at Christmas…it just felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me again.”

He pounded his thigh. “I know, I know. I’m so sorry.”

“I tried, Blue. I really did. I wanted it to work. You were my… everything .” I shook him gently. “But you should’ve let me buy you a ticket.”

“It was embarrassing. Don’t you get that?” He waved a hand, erasing that statement. “But I messed up. I know I did.” His hands came off the wall and he cupped my face. “Our metaphorical car ran into the ditch and instead of getting out, stepping back, and making sure we were okay, I overcorrected and flipped us three times, destroying any chance we had. And I’ve hated myself every day since.”

My heart tightened. “You have to stop blaming yourself.” I laid my hands over his, looking deep into his eyes. “We were young. The distance was too far. It just wasn’t our time.”

He shook his head. “Never say those words to me ever again. Please.” He pulled me against him. “Anna, I love you. I never stopped.” I let him wrap me in a tight hug and I almost rested my head against his shoulder until I remembered every bit of pain this man had caused me. From moving to Lacy to the press conference.

“Blue,” I made my voice gentle. “You don’t treat someone the way you’ve treated me. Not if it’s love. And I’m not just talking about the press conference.”

His shoulders dropped and he looked away for a moment. But then resolve settled in his expression. “No. I do. I know I do. Maybe I screwed up. Or I was misguided. Or immature and selfish. I’m not perfect. But if there is anything that I actually know, it’s that I am one hundred percent in love with you.” His hands reached behind his neck. He unhooked a necklace and held it out for me. I put my hand out and he draped the chain across my palm.

It wasn’t a necklace. It was my necklace. The one I’d given him when he moved away. I stared at it, jaw dropped. It was my necklace that he kissed?

“I wear it all the time. I never take it off. They tape it to me during games.” His hands propped on his hips. “There hasn’t been a single day since I moved away that I didn’t have that around my neck.”

I looked up at him, mouth slightly parted. “That’s…”

“Completely wack. I know.”

I flipped my initials over, running my fingertips over the worn gold edging. “You’ve dated a lot of girls. There’s no way you’re telling me you wore this when you were with them.”

He slapped his hands onto the brick wall again, barricading me in, an adorable, goofy grin on his face. “That is exactly what I’m telling you.” His forehead rested against mine, the scent of his spearmint gum wafting up my nose. “I may be a codependent, cocky, self-centered wuss who hides behind muscles, speed, and an extraordinary dimple I don’t deserve. And Brooklyn might be right. I might be screwed for the rest of my life. But I love you, Anna. All to pieces . Don’t ever tell me I don’t.”

I balled the necklace in my fist, wishing I could give in on this. Wishing I could press up on my toes and kiss those soft lips. Step into those arms and never let go. But we weren’t there yet and we might never be.

I clenched the necklace, the metal making indents in my palm. “I want a love like Lemon and Silas. Or Christy and Holden. Or Granny and Gramps. They don’t hurt each other. They’re kind and respectful. They don’t do hateful things out of spite. They give each other grace and they take care of each other.” I tilted my head, pleading for him to understand. “I want someone who’s my safe place.”

His arms folded across his chest, eyes down, looking at the ground for a long moment. Then he looked up and nodded. “You’re right. You deserve that. Completely.” He stared off into the distance and it felt like my heart was breaking. But I knew what I wanted. I wouldn’t settle for less. Then he glanced back up at me. “Did I give you that kind of love when we were together? Back in high school?”

“Yeah. You did. Until the day you told me you were leaving. It was good until it wasn’t.”

“It was good. Really good.” He tipped his head to the side, his eyes downturned. “And I’m going to give you that again. However long it takes.”

It was so Blue. Making big promises before he knew if he could keep them.

I leaned back against the wall. “You haven’t even asked me if that’s what I want.”

He chewed his lip. “I’m afraid to.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Is that what you want?” Then he shook his head, looking nervous and scared. “You don’t have to answer that right now.” He sighed. “Let’s just take a beat. Give each other a little space. A little time to think.” He glanced up, meeting my eye. “Will you answer a question for me?”

That made me nervous…but he’d put himself out there tonight. He’d admitted his dad gambled his money and he’d told me about the necklace. Which was still in my fist. “Sure.”

“I always feel like things are one-sided between us. Like I’m a desperate sucker trying to win someone over who doesn’t want to be won.”

I laughed like it was a joke but my stomach was a rock. Had I made him feel like that? I propped one heel against the brick wall. “That’s not a question.”

He squared himself to me and looked directly in my eyes. “I wore your necklace every day for four and a half years. I think that makes it pretty clear how I feel about you.” He ran a hand over his mouth. “Have you thought about me over the years? Holden and Christy said they watch all of my games. Do you?”

He could not have asked a more damning question. My hands rested against my cheeks and I stared at his Adam’s apple, which kept bobbing.

“Anna, do you watch my games?”

“I came to your game and sang ‘Rocky Top.’” My voice was tight and my laugh stilted.

“You did. But before that?” Now his voice was tight. His fists curling and uncurling. “Anna, do you or do you not watch my games?” His tone was almost desperate.

I stood there, regretting every single game I hadn’t watched. Which was all but the one. “No,” I barely got out around the knot in my throat. “I don’t.”

“Any of them?” He tried again. “Ever?”

I shook my head.

He stared at me for a long while. “Okay. Thank you for being honest.” Then he turned and walked away, mumbling to himself. He swung back around, an expression of disbelief on his face. “You call me Blucifer in your sleep?”

I froze, sick to my stomach, my mouth opening and closing a few times. No. This was definitely a more damning question. He was waiting. My face fell and I nodded once.

He shook his head, his eyes downturned and his shoulders slumped. Then he turned to go again.

“Blue!” I called, taking three steps in his direction.

He faced me, his hands gripping his hair.

“Don’t you want the necklace?”

His laugh was thick like he was holding back tears. “No. I’m done being in love with someone who’s not in love with me.” Then he really did go, leaving me open-mouthed, a metaphorical fist in my stomach.

I was in love with Blue. Stupidly. To the point that I couldn’t even have a relationship with another guy.

Why hadn’t I said it?

I stayed there long after he was gone, alone, breathing, thinking, hating myself. Because all this time I’d told myself Blue was the one who was the jerk, when in actuality, it was me. He wore his heart on his sleeve daily, while I kept mine tucked in a tight, protective football carry.

It wasn’t until I stepped out of the darkness and into the light of a flickering lamp post that I realized we’d had that entire conversation in the exact spot where we’d shared our first kiss.

And I just ruined that memory forever.