Page 2

CHAPTER 2

anna

HER SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE

I pulled the metal door shut as a gust of late September wind shoved me against the cinderblock wall of my dorm, Jefferson Hall. As always, the door popped back open. “Stupid thing is older than Thomas himself,” I muttered as I yanked it hard, forcing the lock to catch.

No sooner had I shrugged off my backpack than the sounds coming from the common room prickled the back of my neck.

“Blue Bishop is at it again!” an overeager college football announcer cheered from the TV down the hall. “Every week, we watch this kid annihilate the competition. Is there nothing this quarterback can’t do?”

I went stiff as my eyes narrowed and my fingers balled into fists.

“Absolutely phenomenal!” another announcer broke in. “You never know where Knoxville is going to use him. He’s the most versatile player I’ve seen in a decade. Tonight we’ve seen him pass, block, and now he’s running it in for a touchdown. And his speed! I’ll tell you what! Growing up in a single-wide in the middle of nowhere, Virginia, hasn’t hurt him one bit!”

“Go Blue!” Brooklyn screamed.

“Are you kidding me?” My molars clenched so tight a sharp stab of pain shot across my right masseter. My bag hit the tile floor with a thunk. I sprinted for the TV.

I was sick to death of everyone fangirling over my ex like he was some kind of movie star. Like he didn’t pull his pants up one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. And yeah, maybe it was a really nice butt he pulled those tight pants up and over, but still. Just a butt. And just one leg at a time.

“He drops to the fifty. Now he fakes to the right, completely shaking the opposition! Forty-yard line and no one can catch him. The kid is a ninja, a pronghorn, and a stealth missile all rolled into one!”

I rounded the corner, furious to find my two best friends and roommates, Tally and Brooklyn, dead center in the pile of people gaping, open-mouthed, as my ex-boyfriend streaked across whatever football field he was on this week. So mesmerized, in fact, that they didn’t hear or see me come in.

“Thirty yards and he’s picking up speed! Twenty-yard line now. Will Treyvon Anderson be able to catch him?” the announcer continued. I wondered if they ever listened to themselves after it was all over. They should feel embarrassed about the idol worship they considered a job.

“It doesn’t look like it!” the other commentator screamed.

“Ten-yard line! Five!”

I reached up behind the flat screen and yanked the cord from the wall, silencing the grown men who were making idiots of themselves on national TV, all over a stupid boy just because he could run really fast.

A collective groan erupted from the couches.

“Are you serious?”

“Anna, no!”

“What is wrong with her?”

“She needs medication!”

“What a freaking?—”

I swung my glare on Cooper so hard it stopped him dead before he could say another word. I propped my hands on my hips. “I could actually have your butts kicked out of school in less than an hour. You know that, right?” I pointed at the beer cans Cooper, Nevin, and Tyree were holding. James River College had a strict no-alcohol-on-campus policy. And they were underage.

I shouldn’t pull the nepotism card, but my Uncle Ashton, an English professor at the college, had made it clear more than once that should I ever need him to throw his weight around, he would in a heartbeat. I hadn’t used it yet. I actually liked having friends on campus. But I was mightily tempted at that moment. Drinking in the girls’ dorm might not do the trick. But telling Ashton about the answer key they stole from their biology professor, and passed out to the entire class, totally would. And I was pretty sure they all liked playing football for JRC even if it was nowhere near as good as Blue’s team: the University of Knoxville, the fifth-best college team in the nation.

My boyfriend, Jonah, pushed up off the couch, looking ashamed, but also like he thought he could placate his friends by “handling the situation.” And I was the situation.

He walked up to me. “Hey.” He tried to slip his arm around my waist.

I stepped back, holding my hands up, giving him a look that said if you touch me I will actually rip your pretty blond curls from your head. Which made him step back, cheeks pink, eyes narrowed.

Now I was the one to feel ashamed. Jonah was a great guy. I shouldn’t embarrass him in front of his friends. But… “I’ve asked you, what, twenty-five times at least, not to watch his games.” I held my hands up, incensed. “How many college football teams are there in the nation?”

“Eight hundred and fifty-eight. Spanning five different division levels,” Tyree provided, sounding like the Wikipedia search that he undoubtedly had looked up at some point. That was Tyree, though. Wicked smart. And couldn’t read a room to save his life.

“It was a rhetorical question, dummy,” Brooklyn said with an eye roll.

Tally’s eyes darted between Jonah and me. I hated being contentious in front of her. It gave her a PTSD reaction. She had a complicated past. But I swear if I walked in on my friends and my boyfriend watching Blue play one more time…

Jonah’s head tilted, studying me. His forehead crunched. I squirmed under the scrutiny.

“But Blue Bishop is one of the best quarterbacks in the nation. Watching him is research,” Cooper said in a huff. “How are we supposed to improve if we can’t learn from the greats?

My nostrils flared and my hands flew up again. “Do not call him that if you like your body parts the way they are.” My eyes widened in a threat. “And y’all can watch him at your place. You have a TV.”

Cooper’s eyes bugged. “But yours is way bigger and way better.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t care. There’s something called respect. And when one of your friends ”—I gestured at myself with a double-handed, full-body flourish—“asks you not to, that should be enough for you.”

“But I thought you and Blue dated like four years ago,” Nevin said in a confused voice. “Shouldn’t you be over him by now?”

Brooklyn elbowed him in the ribs. “They did,” she hissed. “But it’s complicated.”

My chin lifted. “Yeah. It’s complicated.”

Jonah’s lips pursed and his arms folded. I hated that look. The one that said he was a breath away from dumping me over this. It wasn’t the first time and it probably wouldn’t be the last.

If everyone in the whole wide world would stop throwing Blue in my face every five minutes it wouldn’t be complicated. My dad-uncle, Duncle Silas. My gramps. Definitely Uncle Holden, who was living vicariously through Blue’s football career. And for sure every one of the people currently in the room. Tyree had even asked once if I’d hit Blue up for tickets to one of his games. Pfft. As if. And that didn’t begin to cover random strangers, people on the radio, everything on social media, and every single friend I’d ever made in my hometown, Seddledowne.

But I couldn’t back down on this. I’d learned a long time ago that the only way I could be okay about Blue Bishop was if he ceased to exist. And since that wasn’t going to happen, the second best thing was for me to pretend like he didn’t.

“Tell me again why it’s complicated?” Jonah said, looking completely put out.

“Because he’s the freaking devil. That’s why,” I said.

“She actually calls him Blucifer in her sleep,” Brooklyn snickered to Nevin.

My eyes flashed to her, widening. “Brooklyn,” I power-whispered. She knew not to tell people that. It was embarrassing. I hadn’t believed her the first time she’d told me. But she and Tally recorded it a couple of times. There was no denying it. The nickname I’d given Blue, eight months after he’d moved to California and taken my heart with him, was so ingrained in my subconscious that I mumbled it in my sleep—and occasionally it came out of my mouth when I was awake before I knew what was happening.

Blue more than deserved the nickname Blucifer. He was like a pesky mosquito I couldn’t shake loose. No matter what I did, or where I went, he was right there, reminding me that he’d gotten over me. That he was doing great without me. That he could have any girl he wanted—and he had. All over social media every single time—and always wearing that stupid dimpled grin.

Tally’s eyes went wide and she slunk deeper into the couch cushions.

Cooper puffed his chest, preening. “Does she talk about me in her sleep?”

Brooklyn’s expression was blank. “No. Why would she talk about you? You have no rizz.”

Cooper deflated.

“The question is, does she talk about my man Jonah in her sleep?” Tyree waved like obviously the answer was yes.

My eyes flashed to my very best friend since third grade. “Brook—” I started.

But before I could finish she snipped a quick, deadpan, “No. Definitely not.”

All the air in my lungs came out in a whoosh. I was done for. She was so dead when we got back to our dorm room.

Jonah’s mouth parted and his jaw jutted. “You talk about your ex -boyfriend in your sleep? But not your current boyfriend. Just…wow.”

Brooklyn swore when she realized what she’d done. “Sorry.” Fat lotta good an apology did me. I was in the thick of it now.

I threw my hands up. “Come. On. You can’t hold me accountable for what I say in my sleep. I’m asleep .” I said it with complete confidence but my knees were beginning to shake.

“Guys,” he said to no one in particular, in a voice that was so completely calm, it was terrifying. “Could you give us the room please?”

The air went quiet, crackling with tension as each of them got up and padded quickly out.

Jonah’s hands were on top of his head as he shook it, lips pursed in a thin line. “Unbelievable.”

I hugged myself. “I’ve always been a sleep-talker. You know that. I used to have night terrors. It’s just a thing. My body lets everything out once I hit that REM state.”

As he paced the floor I hated myself. He deserved better. I knew that. If I had a tiny bit of a heart I’d rush to him, take him in my arms, and beg his forgiveness. There were at least five other girls on this campus that I knew of who probably wished I’d step in front of one of the Greater Sweet Grass Transit buses so they could have a chance with him. I knew that too. But it was exhausting forcing something I didn’t feel.

I only had a semester and a half left here at JRC anyway, and Jonah would be here for at least two more years. I’d graduated high school with my associate’s degree and if everything went according to plan, I’d be heading to vet school at Virginia Tech next fall. I should let Jonah go. I’d told myself that a hundred times since our first date. He’d snatched me up almost as soon as I’d set foot on campus freshman year. I’d been hopeful that this relationship would be the one. The one to finally make me forget Blue Bishop and all the hurt he’d caused me in the past four years. But even Jonah, a pre-med, straight-A student with a killer smile, hadn’t been enough to make me forget my first love.

I should give Jonah a chance to find happiness with someone else. But if I couldn’t make a relationship work with this guy, I’d probably be alone for the rest of my life. Something was wrong with me.

I did what I knew I should and pulled Jonah into a hug, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your friends.” But his arms were straight at his side. Panic tried to suffocate me. I needed him to hug me back. I wasn’t asking for much.

I clamped down tighter, desperation trying to drown me. “I love you,” I blurted. Then I winced. He’d told me that before. A handful of times. Until he realized I wasn’t going to say it back.

I dared to meet his eyes and then I fell back a step, shame enveloping me. He’d been waiting a year to hear me say it. My momma always told me never to say those three words unless I meant it—and I hadn’t. From the look on Jonah’s face, he knew.

“Wow.” His laugh was bitter. He stepped back, his eyes wet. “No, Anna, you don’t. And saying it isn’t going to change that fact.”

“Jonah,” I stepped toward him. “Please. I’m trying to make this work. I want this to work.”

But he took another step away from me. “No. You need to figure yourself out. Whatever is going on with you and this Blue kid…” His head shook.

“Nothing is going on. I haven’t talked to him in years.”

His hands went to his hips. “Well, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe you should talk to him.”

“What?” I scowled. “I don’t want to talk to him.”

“But I can’t do this anymore. And…” He chewed his lip, his chest rising and falling. He didn’t want to say whatever was about to come out of his mouth. I willed him not to. “You need to talk to him.” He shook his head. “No. He’s in Knoxville. That’s like five hours away. You need to go see him. Go put your eyes on him. See if there’s still something there.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. He obviously was. “I’m not going to see him. That’s ridiculous.” I rubbed my arms, suddenly chilly. “And I doubt he’d even want to see me.”

That was probably true after the last conversation we’d had four years ago when I called him some choice names and told him exactly where he could stick the necklace I’d given him the day he left—the gold chain with my initials on it. A.N.D. for Annaleise Nicole Dupree. I’d spent way too much money on it for the good it had done. It was supposed to keep me near his heart always. But I’d quickly learned that a gold chain from a budget jeweler at the mall doesn’t have magical powers. It’s just a useless string of metal. And it definitely hadn’t done anything to keep us close. It was eighty bucks I’d never get back.

“Oh. I’m sure he would.” Jonah gestured at me like it was some kind of curse that I was beautiful. At least he always said I was. Like twenty times a day. But I wasn’t all that. At least, I didn’t feel all that. Because if I was, Blue wouldn’t have forgotten me as quickly as he had. I hated how emotionally scarred I still was from Blue going out with another girl the day after we broke up, and the gut-wrenching phone call the next day that blew our hearts and any chance at a future together, to smithereens. But even right now, four years later, when I should care about what Jonah thought, I was thinking about Blue and how I hadn’t been enough.

I laid my hand on Jonah’s arm. “C’mon. This is silly. You don’t tell your girlfriend to rekindle things with her ex. It’s insane. What are you doing?”

Jonah shrugged, knocking my hand off. “Trying to keep my sanity. Go see him, Anna. I’m not doing this anymore.” He pointed between us. “Until you do.”

I scoffed. “Are you giving me an ultimatum?”

He suddenly seemed exhausted and way older than the twenty years that he was. Had I done that to him? His hand scrubbed over his face. “Yeah. I think I am.” I would never have seen something like this coming. The fact that this was Jonah’s solution told me he was worn out. Worn out from me, this relationship, my issues. All of it.

His shoulders lifted with an inhale and his eyes were pained. “I’m not even going to talk to you about any of this until you do. Enough is enough. I shouldn’t feel sick inside all the time because my girlfriend won’t let us watch football like a normal group of guys. Or worry that today is the day you realize I’m not enough and you’re ending things. I can’t live like this.”

I sat down on the couch, curling in on myself. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Yeah. Well. You have. A lot. But not anymore.” We stared at each other for five long heartbeats. “Bye, Anna.” Then he turned and walked out of the room.

I twisted my hands around each other, so angry at myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I love the good thing right in front of me?

Stupid Blue Bishop and his cocky smile. I’d fallen for it the first day of my freshman year of high school. And here I was five years later, still suffering the consequences. I’d never been loved by anyone the way I’d been loved by Blue, and I’d never loved anyone the way I’d loved him.

Every day with him had been an all-time high. A convertible ride with the top down on a warm summer’s day. Head thrown back, hands to the sky, all laughter and loud music. Everybody else was just windows up, long boring road trips in complete silence.

Blue had ruined me for every other guy I’d ever met.

And then he got in his dad’s car and rode away.