Page 41 of All The Way Under

“Boo!” A flash of purple and blonde pounces in front of me.

I actually startle, my heart tripping.

Saylor. She’s standing in front of me. Like a dream vision of perfection.

“I’m sorry,” she says, but her smile deepens, crinkling her eyes. “Your dad said he’d pay me ten bucks to jump out and scare you.”

My damn dad. I should have known.

Her big blue eyes hold me to my spot. I don’t move. I can’t. She enters my bloodstream like a hit of a drug after I’ve been sober. My heart beats a familiar rhythm again after a year of heartbreak.

I’m alive. That’s what this feels like. Her scent fills my lungs. Her presence brings me back to life.

“Saylor,” I say, her name trembling on my lips.

I forbade myself from saying it after the breakup. Thinking of her was unbearable. It was easier to wash myself of her existence entirely. Which is easier said than done.

“What are you doing here?”

She’s eyeing me up and down.

“Cat sent me an invite, but obviously I sent back a no RSVP straight away because I didn’t want to intrude. Then a guest needed a last-minute plus one, and he convinced me it would be a good idea if I came.”

I push the jealousy aside because she isn’t mine. Was never mine, honestly, but who could she possibly be here with?

“I can leave if you’d rather me not be here. It’s why I wanted to talk to you first. Should I leave?”

I don’t trust my voice. I shake my head to reply.

Her gaze darts away.

“I didn’t keep up with anything to do with you. I couldn’t. When I got the invite, it was still fresh pain, you know? It was too hard to think about you.”

Saylor turns her face, and our oceans lock.

“I set the world record, though. I didn’t report it to the record book.

That attention didn’t seem like something I wanted.

” She smiles, then it drops. “I just needed to prove to myself that I could do it. It was never going to be safer than it was right after the SEALs squashed the terrorist group, so I took advantage. I spent a few months being upset, loaded my new sailboat, and went.”

She shakes her fists next to her shoulders in an exaggerated way.

“Didn’t get captured this time! I used ATWU the whole journey, and somehow my signal didn’t get jammed,” she smirks. “It took a long time and a lot of therapy to work through that, but I know it wasn’t you.”

“You took my advice,” I say.

“I dated a few guys when I got back too.”

“I did not give you that advice.”

Saylor tilts her head and smiles. “You gave up rights to stop me.”

Fair.

“I didn’t keep up with you either, for what it’s worth, so I didn’t know about the sail. Congrats. That’s a huge accomplishment.” I pause. “The new update on ATWU is pretty crack too, by the way. Used it a few weeks ago and thought of you.”

I regret the last sentence the second it leaves my mouth.

She blushes. “Oh, good. I thought that update might change things for the better. I have an open-ended contract with the military now. They want first dibs on anything I come up with.” Saylor crosses her legs at the ankles.

“There you are,” Mark says, coming up from behind me. “Ready to go in? Nolan and Cat just got here.”

Saylor nods. “Yeah, sure. Was just saying hi to Brody really quick.”

Ah, that’s all I needed to find my voice.

“Wait, you are here with Mark?” I ask, looking between my best friend and the woman who haunts me.

My woman.

He wouldn’t.

“I’ll see you both in there,” Saylor says, turning to walk away, looking just as perfect leaving as she does coming.

As soon as the door closes, I grab my friend by his collar.

“Unhand me. It’s not what you think,” Mark deadpans, rolling his eyes.

I release my grasp. “Talk.”

“Nolan told me I should ask her so she would be here to talk to you .” He huffs. “She’s here as my platonic, nothing at all, friend. Jesus, Brody. Who do you think I am? I’m your best fucking friend.”

“I trusted motherfuckers before, and that’s what got me here. I’m sorry. Seeing her has me on edge. I don’t know how to act. I haven’t spoken about Saylor in months. Why would Nolan think I wanted to talk to her?”

He raises one brow. “You’re joking, right? Just because you haven’t spoken about her doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t see the romantic fool you are about her and the past you had with her. Your parents were part of this. It might be Nolan’s wedding, but it’s your fucking intervention.”

“Intervention for what? I’m happy. I’m fine. I’m over her.”

“So we’re not going to talk about the ten minutes that happened before I walked in?

That looked like anything except you being over her.

She was willing to be here. Saylor moved on with her life, and now it’s time to start over with her in a new space.

” He coughs into his hand. “If you can convince her.”

“If you think I’m fuck-all stupid, and I’d put myself through that again, you’re crazier than I realized.”

“It’s not the same. No more security. Did you notice that?

The circus around the Wyndhams died down.

You avoiding their name isn’t the only reason you didn’t hear about them.

They began a huge campaign to disappear into obscurity after you broke up with Saylor.

They’re still filthy fucking rich. They just don’t use their name and lay a little lower.

” He looks away. “And don’t act like that rich fake shit is the only reason you pushed her away.

You know you freaked and were being pusillanimous.

You know you didn’t think you deserved it. We all know you do.”

“You’re a pussy,” I fire back.

“I used the refined word. Stop being so crude. It’s a blessed day,” Mark says, flashing a half smirk. “A joyous wedding!” he exclaims.

Nolan and Catherine rush down the hallway, big smiles on their faces, looking at each other, speaking low. Nolan turns and sees me, and the smile drops.

“You can’t kill a man on his wedding day! Let’s go in!” he calls to me.

“I’m going to kill you all tomorrow, then. It’s settled.”

We go into the room where guests are cheering. The bride and groom do some dumb, rehearsed dance, and we follow after, but I can’t stop myself from searching for her in a crowd. It’s automatic and infuriating.

When I see her, she’s watching me, a smile on her lips.

I bite back any emotion and take my seat at her table, right next to her, because the entirety of the humans who care about me put my name card next to hers. Hers just says S.W.

“All this fuss just to tell people you’re going to be together for the rest of your lives. Seems excessive,” I say, folding my arms, leaning back in my chair.

I can feel her stare at the side of my face.

“Well, not all weddings have to be the same. This is very beautiful, and they both look happy.”

Happiness is a gateway to pain. That’s what I know to be true. You allow it in because it poses as something light, and then it sucks you all the way under and anchors you to the depths of despair.

“It does give off a bit of the zoo animal vibe, though,” she says, voice quiet.

Biting my lip, I stave off a grin. It’s impossible to shoot down the feelings the memory forces.

Even though it’s been a year, my body reacts like I was fucking her in an elevator yesterday.

I think it’s what a true connection must feel like.

We pick right back up where we left off.

It’s not just a twin thing. It has to be a real thing.

I do my best to make conversation with the others at our table, trying not to talk to Mark too much or stare at Saylor too long, until after dinner.

The toasts begin.

I wrote one on the note app in my phone before I went to bed, but with the turn of events, and my fourth beer tasting like I-should-wing-it, I go up to the small two-person table Nolan and Catherine are sitting at. I see my mom glaring at me, so I get out my phone. I’ll just ad-lib a bit.

The spotlight hides all the tables and faces from me, which is a good thing.

Public speaking is not my strong suit. Sweat rolls down my face, and I can’t wipe it away quick enough.

My free hand is in a fist by my side. I can keep a steady pulse rate when I’m clearing a room or exterminating villains, but being in front of these people, knowing Saylor is out there, makes me tremble.

Nolan stands up, grabs the microphone from me, and puts his arm around my shoulder. “We’re twins. I know exactly what he was going to say anyway,” Nolan says.

The shadowy figures boom with laughter in front of us. It doesn’t quiet my nerves, though.

I look at my brother, and I remember to breathe because he is. Nolan turns back to the spotlight.

“He was going to make a joke about how he’s younger by thirty-seven minutes and somehow that time alone made him darker, wiser, broodier, and obviously more intimidating.”

Nolan looks at me. It’s wistful.

“And then he was going to tell you that I’m the sunshine twin. The optimistic one. The one who believes every situation can be fixed with a good cheeseburger and a big smile.”

Nolan beams at me.

“But he’d get through the jokes, and he would’ve, eventually, he would say something real.

Under that whole emotionally allergic exterior, Brody is the most loyal, deeply feeling person I know.

He’s been my other half and best friend since the womb.

He’s my mirror. The only one who knows when I’m lying, even to myself, and calls me out for it. ”

Nolan turns to the crowd, and I hear the words come slower because he has to push through the emotion.