Page 4 of All The Way Under

I cock my head in question. “Why wouldn’t I? It’s been six months. That’s serious. I want to meet her.”

He shakes his head. “I never know with you, Brody. I don’t. It’s hard to tell what you’ll care about and what you won’t.”

He is the only thing I care about outside of my teammates and work. Just say that, I think. Tell him you love him.

“Well, now I guess I must meet her when I get home in three months. You think she’s going to be around then?”

“She will,” he says, finishing his burger. “She wanted to meet you,” he adds quietly.

“Oh?” I counter.

“I told her you weren’t really the type to meet until things got more serious,” he explains. “Which started a whole argument. The last thing I wanted was to burden you with a social interaction that may cause discomfort.”

Now he’s being a prick, and I guess I can’t blame him. It’s not like he’s saying anything untruthful.

When we were kids, I took the blame for everything because I could just stare at the wall and take the heat.

My parents were stern, but loving, and even still, Nolan didn’t deal with stern well.

I can turn it all off when it’s anger or disappointment.

When we’re talking jokes or trying to find something in common with someone, that’s where Nolan picked up my slack.

Together, we equal one damn awesome human.

Apart, we are a little fractured. Me more than him.

I grumble under my breath. “She’s already got a bad impression of me. Great.”

“You care what she thinks about you?” Nolan’s eyes widen.

Clearing my throat, I say, “If you’re staying with her, then my seeming like a lumbering, dumb troll who can’t meet people isn’t great. If she matters to you, she matters to me.”

“I didn’t call you dumb. I said you were away a lot because you were a Navy SEAL, Brody. That was the main excuse I gave. You know I think highly of you.”

“Whatever,” I say, looking away. “Tell her I look forward to meeting her after this deployment, I guess.”

He laughs once, loudly. “Your sarcasm will win over any heart that your pure charm can’t. Remember that.”

Scowling, I finish my water, shaking my head.

“I won’t remember that, but I will remember Catherine and will want to meet her when I get home. And I will be home, so don’t worry about that part, like I know you tend to. It’s supposed to be a quick deployment,” I say, trying to get down to brass tacks now that our time together is winding down.

“I’ll be safe.” I air quote the last word and pull an ugly face.

“I won’t come back any more fucked up than I already am.”

I pull another ugly face.

“I will email you when I get a chance, and you can pass on the info to Mom and Dad. Everything is going to be okay. I know what everyone thinks, but not everyone gets PTSD from deployments and death. It is possible to look at my job as just a job and the things that go with it, just go with it, same as any job. Think about the doctors who work in emergency rooms or paramedics who scrape motorists off the highway. More people need to know it’s not all doom and gloom because bad things happen.

I’m unscathed. Many SEALs exit this career path unscathed.

I promise you, Nolan. I hate the stigma that we must be fucked up because of what we see and do.

It’s not true. I am really good at putting things into boxes.

It can happen, and I can put it in a box.

I don’t have to think about it when it is done. It can stay in its box.”

He stares, waiting for me to go on, but I just gave him more than I usually do.

“I’ll call you when I leave my house so you can go pick up Grimace.” My dog is the only annoyance I willingly allow in my life, and he’s a big one for a man with a career like mine.

“I trust you, and I know that you’ve always been this cranky, so I’ll try not to worry, but I am concerned about balance in your life.

I’m sure it will come, eventually. I was wondering when you would mention your prized possession.

Yes, I will pick up Grimace and care for him like the prince he is.

Are you still taking him to the groomer on Sixth and Paramount every four weeks? ”

“Yes, and please don’t try any new groomers like last time. He’s used to the woman at the Sudz Bucket. She doesn’t even have to muzzle him anymore. He gets a wash and trim.”

Nolan chuckles. “It still baffles me how you ended up with a dog as mean as you.”

That’s the crux of why I have him. I walked past a farmers’ market on my day off, and the local animal shelter was there trying to adopt out a bunch of dogs.

Grimace was in a cage in the back by himself.

Hair matted, and teeth jutting out from the bottom in the grossest underbite I’ve ever seen.

He has a permanent grimace on his face. They said he tried to bite someone before I walked by.

They mentioned him not being adoptable, and when someone tells me I can’t do something, I’m almost always going to do it.

I took him home, and that dog cherishes the ground I walk on.

Vice versa, if I’m honest with myself. He’s four pounds of stringy hair and one hundred percent heart.

“That’s why we get along,” I say, grinning. “Thank you for caring for him. I’ll have his go bag packed. Remember, don’t touch him on the paws. That’s what he hates. Tell everyone not to touch his paws. Catherine needs to know.”

Hah, I worked her in again, so he knows I’m serious about getting to know her.

“If she gets bit, that’s another unfavorable mark against me.”

Nolan cracks his knuckles on the table and picks up the check the waitress dropped off. We always take turns, and it’s his turn today.

“I know Grimace well. He loves me because I look and sound like you. He does get sad for a few days, but he gets used to my amiable personality quite quickly. I bring him to the office, and the receptionist keeps him in a heated bed under her desk. He lives the life. I’ll make sure no one touches his paws. ”

I smile, thinking about Grimace in a heated bed in Nolan’s office.

“I’m glad I don’t have to worry about him while I’m gone. You’re the only person I trust, you know that?”

“That’s the first real smile since you sat down,” Nolan points out. “And it wasn’t because I told you I love you, and I’ll miss you. It was because of Grimace. What needs to happen to give you a different life perspective? So you’ll see what’s important in life?”

He’s always a little philosophical. Nolan looks at life differently than I do.

There’s no arguing he has it right, and I should conform, but I can’t.

I don’t know how. Not yet. It is coming time that I’m going to have to face my past head-on and forgive myself, though.

Time is passing, and I do understand that.

“Eventually, I’ll come around. You said it yourself. Probably need more time to figure it all out,” I say, standing after our check is taken care of.

We make our way to our trucks. Mine is black and tinted, and his is white, and the windows are still standard.

Stretching when Nolan faces me, I wrap him in a hug.

He holds me for a long time, and I hold on just as tight.

I don’t care what people think or what it appears as.

I do love my brother. I will miss my brother.

Just say it , my subconscious whispers, but nothing comes out.

I just close my eyes and will him to know.

When he pulls back and looks me in my eyes, the same blue eyes I own, I know he knows my heart. Without saying a word.

He ruffles my hair. “I’ll see ya, McBrode,” Nolan says, eyes glassing over.

I push the emotion down, as far as it will go, but I still feel it leaking from my eyes.

“Yeah, I’ll see you, McLan.” I ruffle his hair back, and then I get into my truck.

I wait for him to pull away first, making sure he’s safe on the busy road before I head for home.

Grimace is sitting on the back of the couch, staring out the window when I pull into my driveway. I smile at him, and he hops down to greet me at the door. I scoop him up and lock my door. We’re going to head to base, and he comes with me when he can.

I transferred to the SEAL base in Southampton a few years ago to be close to my family, and so far, they haven’t asked me to transfer yet.

I’ll admit if they do, I will be upset. This is the most settled I’ve felt in a long time.

I like my little cottage house and the fact that Nolan and my parents are close.

I like that it feels like home when I’m not deployed or on a training trip.

“All right, Grimace, we need to make sure I have everything I need, and you need to guard the high bay while I do it,” I explain, petting his head at a red light.

He sits in my lap, his tiny paws on one thigh and his butt on the other.

“You can’t be mean to Catherine, Grim. You hear me? You’re going to meet a nice lady, and you need to be sweet to her. Sweet like you’ve never known how to be. If she doesn’t like us, we’re in trouble, okay?”

He looks at me, and I swear he has an understanding.

“We need to blend in, Grim. We need to be good. Nolan deserves it.” I say the last sentence quieter. “He deserves it,” I repeat. “I’m going to miss you so much. I am going to miss him so much. I love you.”

I whisper the words to my dog that I couldn’t bring myself to say to my brother.