Page 40 of All The Way Under

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

brody

ONE YEAR LATER

The French doors open, and the bridesmaids flow through, their purple dresses floating down the aisle one by one. I swallow hard, doing my best to maintain all composure in a situation that makes me feel…feelings.

Grimace is by my feet on a camo leash, wearing a black bow tie.

I glance down to make sure he’s watching.

His second favorite person is about to walk down the aisle.

I tighten my grip on his leash. Catherine walks out, and I peek around Nolan’s shoulder to see his eyes watering.

That little baby. I lock it in the memory bank to make him pay for it later and pat him on the shoulder.

“She looks so beautiful,” Nolan says, wiping at his eyes.

I hand him a hanky, and he dabs the tears away.

“I can’t believe this is real.”

Her slow walk gives everyone in the audience time to appreciate her, and I can’t hide the happiness I have for my brother.

Our parents are sitting in the front row, beaming at Nolan and Catherine.

She finally gets to the pastor and Nolan after her father hands her off, and it’s like I’m looking at a celebrity.

She looks like herself, but better. Nolan is enamored, but that bastard never stood a chance.

Catherine is perfect for him in every single way.

“We’re doing this,” Catherine says, handing her bouquet to her sister, the Matron of Honor, before grabbing Nolan’s hands. “This day is finally here.” Her voice is low, but the excitement in her words is visceral.

There was a time when I thought I deserved this, what my brother and Catherine have, but life truly showed me a different path.

One that means I live my life to serve my country.

I will die for my country too. I can’t be certain of that, of course, but at the deployment schedule I’ve been going at, it would make the most sense.

I’ve thrown myself into my job. I got the promotion.

I’m only a part-time grouch now that I realize this was always how my life was supposed to turn out.

I’m a good man with a good heart. I wasn’t missing anything in my life except self-validation.

I never needed someone to complete me or turn my life around.

They wrote their own vows. I listened to Nolan practice his in front of the mirror at least a thousand times over the past months.

Like he thought if he got them wrong, she might say no at the altar.

Their love is made of something I’ve only witnessed once before between my own parents.

It’s how I knew their relationship would stand the test of time.

Together they are one, but separately they also kick ass.

Nolan trips over a few words as he’s reading the vows, but surprise, surprise, she says yes when the pastor asks if she’ll take him as her husband ’til death do them part.

The rest is a blur of pure happiness. Nolan let me wear a tux instead of my uniform.

I didn’t want to draw any attention on my twin’s day.

The reception is being held at a nice restaurant on the water.

There are buses taking guests from the church to the venue, and I’m squeezed in between my parents in a row as we ride.

“Son, you know we have to keep everything even, so we make it to heaven,” Dad says. “We’re proud of you.”

I chuckle. “You don’t have to be proud of me on Nolan’s wedding day. I don’t think this counts as keeping everything even by saying that.”

My smile falls. It will never be even in the same way. Nolan will forever have Catherine now. I’m still his brother in every way, yet my role has shifted. I’m not the most important person to him anymore, and that’s the way it should be.

“I’m happy for them. Catherine is perfect for Nolan.”

“She reminds me a lot of you,” Mom says, smoothing a wrinkle on my pants. “Is that weird to say? Your brother’s wife reminds me of his twin?”

“No, it makes sense. We make a great team, and we are very unlike each other. They’ll make a great team because opposites attract. She is the me to his glee.” I’m proud of my analogy. “You and Dad gave him a good example of what it’s supposed to look like.”

“We only gave him a good example?” Mom asks, cheeks falling.

Her blue eyes have wrinkles next to them, and I hate that I can see pain in her question.

I clear my throat. “Of course you set a great example for both of us. It obviously just resonated more with Nolan.” I smile, but they don’t.

“You act like it’s a foregone conclusion you won’t find someone, son. Why is that? You’ve given up completely?”

“I have to, Dad. I have to. No one will ever stack up, and there’s no sense looking back on something that was never going to work out. Before you ask, of course, I’m over her. It’s been a year. It’s not worth the effort of dating.”

Mom sighs. “You really haven’t gone on one date in a year?”

The bus hits a bump, and I hold on to the seat in front of me.

“How is that possible? You’re a handsome, strapping man. You’re not even as grouchy as you used to be!”

Dad cackles. “You’re a straight catch, is what Mom is saying. Weddings have a way of making people talk about relationships, and we’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for a while now. You deserve some company.”

I shake my head. “I’m never home. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“You could be home. You could accept the shore duty they’ve been trying to give you for months and settle down. You could have children and be home at night. It’s not the running and gunning you’ve been doing, but it could be something special,” Dad says.

He only knows this because I told Nolan. Have to love the game of family telephone, don’t I? At least Nolan gave the details correctly.

I don’t shoot him down straight away. I’ll give them hope before I snatch it away.

“What if I get bored?”

“There is never a dull moment with children, son. I promise you that. Boredom won’t be in your lexicon.”

“Grimace would hate kids,” I say. “I hope Mark does what I told him and gives him a treat before he leaves.”

Mark was running Grimace back to my place before coming to the reception. He offered, and he never offers to do anything with Grimace.

Mom groans. “Grimace would not. That dog is as soft as you on the inside. You love to play the mean dog card, but that dog doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. He’s a reflection of you.”

“Oh, I indeed have a mean bone in my body,” I say, elbowing Dad gently.

A wheezy laugh escapes his wrinkled lips. Signs of aging on my parents make my chest tighten. The signal that time is passing, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

“You are foul,” Mom claps back. “But I do love you and want you to have a fulfilled life.”

“I am fulfilled. I promise you.”

Dad puts his arm around my shoulders. “We accept this promise under one condition.”

I look at him. “I’m afraid to ask. I’m not going on any dates Mom sets me up on.”

They’ve tried that before. Mom has ladies at the doctor’s office she works at who have daughters they’ve been trying to set me up with all my life.

“No, no, we’ve given up on that,” Mom says.

“We won’t bring up dating or women again if you promise that the next time something scares you—and we know that doesn’t happen often—but if it scares you, lean in. Stop treating your heart like a grave. It’s a garden, son. A beautiful garden with lots to offer the right woman.”

The right woman. The right woman.

The thing with talking about her, which I don’t do often, is that now I’ll dream about her. Saylor will be visceral in my dreams, and when I wake in sheer excitement, she vanishes—a figment of a lost promise.

“I promise when something scares me, I’ll lean in. Then I’ll probably shoot it, but hell, I’ll lean in first.”

“Stop making jokes,” Mom says, slapping my shoulder.

“We’re serious. We think that Say… she scared you.

What could have been scared you. How close you were to having…

something terrified you. Having something to lose,” she adds.

“Be scared. Embrace it. Everyone in the world is scared at some point or another in a relationship. If you’re scared in a good way, you’re blessed. ”

I hang my head. They’re right.

“Okay, okay. I got it. I’ll let myself be terrified, like a little pussy.”

Another slap. “Get off the bus. We’re here. Don’t embarrass us when you give your speech. Do you hear? Nothing wild. The girls from bridge are here. So are all of the ladies from work. The daughters too.”

“Moooom,” I groan.

She shakes one finger at my face while holding back a laugh. “Don’t embarrass us with your raucous childhood stories. I was a good mom.”

“You did everything you could, honey. They’re just unruly kids,” Dad says, wearing his devil-may-care smirk.

We walk off the bus, grinning. It’s sunset on the water, and it is fucking beautiful. I love looking at the water from land, knowing I’m not going to be in it when blackness takes over.

“Where did Catherine find this place? I’ve never been here before.”

We live in one of those small, big towns. Big enough for people and places you’ve never heard of, but small enough that people tend to know, in a roundabout way, everyone.

Mom says something under her breath, and Dad claps me on the back once before heading in the opposite direction with the other guests.

I was given orders to enter through the side, where the deck wraps around. There’s a room where the bridal party is supposed to wait so we can enter together.

I stop at the deck to admire the sunset. I’m here early, so there’s no sense going in yet. A waitress with a tray filled with drinks spots me from inside and comes out to offer me a drink. I take a foamy glass of beer and thank her.

My parents’ conversation and their worry have me feeling melancholy, so I drink my beer and watch the horizon until dark settles. I set my glass down on a tray in the corner and head inside. I pull down my tux and readjust my shirt before turning a corner.