Page 9

Chapter 8

A Friend Drops In

A rush of air preceded a glimpse of white wings swooping above the apple trees, with a speckled pattern I knew well. Haniel. I let out a sigh of relief.

The tiny shadow stroked the back of my hand insistently before it shifted to twine around the ebony feather I was still holding. Hastily, I shoved the feather, and the shadow with it, into the folds of my robe, thankful it had deep hidden pockets. A heartbeat later, Haniel appeared in front of me.

Instead of circling and banking, he came in fast and dropped from the sky into a crouch as he hit the ground roughly, forcing me to step back out of his way. It wasn’t a landing generally used within the citadel; it was an intimidating battle maneuver I’d seen the guardians practicing once.

“How did I know you’d be out here instead of in your room, where you’re supposed to be?”

Once upon a time, he’d have asked that question with humor and maybe even a gentle stroke of my hair. Now, frustration laced his words, and he clenched his hands in anger. He started pacing with his wings flared wide, and a sense of warning had my short-lived relief retreating, right along with me. It was currently hiding somewhere in the shadows.

“And why aren’t you wearing your slippers?” he continued.

The last seemed a ridiculous thing to be angry about, given we’d forgone them plenty of times to run through the orchard when we were young. Glancing around surreptitiously as I bent to put them back on, I couldn’t see any sign of the mysterious Fallen male.

Guilt stabbed at me, sharp and fierce. Kiran and Haniel had dedicated their lives to guard us against the Fallen. If I didn’t speak up, I was effectively protecting one who had breached our defenses. Of all the failings Elder Welkin had accused me of, this one act could give him everything he needed to destroy me.

The feather felt like a dark stain that might seep through the thin fabric of my pale robe at any moment, exposing my secret, yet something told me I couldn’t betray the Fallen without betraying myself too. Blameless or no, Elder Welkin would use it against me.

Haniel spun toward me, but whatever he’d been about to say died on his lips.

“You look pale. Are you okay?” He shook his head as he pulled me into the hug I’d been desperate for an hour ago. I disappeared into it willingly as his body enveloped mine. He was so much taller, and broader, than me—broader than I remembered him being when we were younger. “I’m so sorry about him. We’ll get rid of him. I swear.”

Staying relaxed and not stiffening in his arms was a hard-fought battle. Had Haniel seen the Fallen? Wouldn’t he be firing arrows if he had?

A tingling sensation up my spine told me the Fallen was still haunting the shadows, and he had his eyes on me. Now that I knew what it felt like, it was impossible to miss. The feeling of being watched as Mara and I had stood in the foyer earlier came to mind, and I wondered if it had been him then too. How long had he been here, undetected by all but me?

“Get rid of who?” I tried to keep my tone light, but it sounded forced, even to my own ears.

Haniel pulled back and stared at me. He’d always been classically handsome, with his square jaw and chiseled cheekbones, but right now, he looked like an unfamiliar creature, his features twisted in hate. At one point, I’d known him better than anybody in this city, or I thought I had. In this moment, I didn’t recognize the boy I knew at all. “Alastor, of course. I can’t believe he touched your wings and grabbed you like that in front of every guardian in the citadel.”

“Oh, of course. Alastor.” How could I have forgotten about the incident at dinner, the one I’d been having a panic attack over only an hour ago? It felt like it belonged to another time, but the world came slamming back to me now.

Haniel narrowed his eyes at me before he started pacing along the planted row of apple trees, flattening the grass underfoot. “Did you know he was planning to offer for you? He said he’d already spoken to your mother.”

“How would I know? I’d never met Alastor before tonight, and I haven’t spoken to my mother in years. You know that.”

The world felt out of step. Of all the reunions I’d ever imagined with my friend, this torrent of anger and suspicion had never been a part of it.

He muttered a curse and kicked at a stone lying in the grass, looking for any object he could take out his escalating aggression on. It wasn’t something I was happy about either, but I’d never seen Haniel so furious.

“Alastor’s a wing commander. He outranks me.” Haniel almost spat the words over his shoulder as he paced away from me.

“So he said, but what does him outranking you have to do with it?” My brain was only half on this conversation, and I was having trouble keeping up.

Haniel stomped back toward me, anger clear in every taut line of his body. His wings were stiff at his side. “A consort offer from a wing commander is a prestigious coup for a potentiate. The elders will never consider my offer alongside his.”

My mouth fell open, and I was incapable of closing it for a moment. How could Haniel think, as my friend, also being my consort would be okay? Unless he didn’t know what it meant either. I hadn’t this morning, and I probably would have been overjoyed if he’d announced his intentions then, happy to have a friend at my side.

Haniel and I had fooled around together once or twice in the days before I’d become an acolyte, but that had just been exploring in a safe space with someone I trusted and chose. Doing something illicit had made me feel empowered when I had so little autonomy and the walls had felt like they were closing in. It had ended when we’d almost gotten caught one night. I assumed he’d been with other females since, and I didn’t care. As a guardian, he had no restrictions placed upon him. Unlike me.

“You’re planning on offering for me as well? Do you know what consorts do?”

“Yes, I am, and of course I do.” He shook his head at me as he started pacing again. “You’re mine, Lulu. Tell me you know that.”

He knew, and he was still offering for me? Tonight had been one blow after another, and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. Dizziness stole over me as my breathing became shallow.

Before tonight, nobody had called me Lulu in years. It had warmed my heart hearing my brother use it earlier. Now, hearing Haniel use it while laying some kind of claim to me, I didn’t know how to feel. For years, I’d craved a sign of affection from anyone, but not like this. He wasn’t telling me he loved me, and there was nothing in his mannerisms to suggest he did either. And what did ‘you’re mine’ even mean to him? His anger, and the rest of his roiling emotions, felt detached.

“How would I know if you’ve never told me that, Haniel?” I’d always called him Han growing up, but I deliberately avoided it now. He flinched as I used his full name. “We’ve never talked about you being my consort as an option.”

He snorted, dismissing my words. “What did you think was going to happen this week, Lulu?”

The use of my nickname again grated on me, and I wanted him to stop. It felt like he was sullying it in the context of this discussion, but I let it go. He was agitated, and I didn’t want to provoke him further.

“I didn’t even know what a consort did until tonight.” My hands twisted in my robe as I spoke. It felt irredeemably foolish admitting that out loud, despite the fact keeping me in the dark was an intentional act by the elders. “So I hadn’t thought about it, but I assumed whoever my consort was, they would be a stranger.”

“I will not let another male be your consort, Lulu.” His voice was low and dark, and the way he stopped still and glared at me made him feel like a stranger.

My eyes lowered to the ground instinctively at the implied threat, and my posture went rigid as I battled not to retreat into myself and bury my words. This wasn’t an elder, or even my mother. This was Haniel, who was supposedly my friend. If I didn’t speak up now, I never would, and he would end up my consort in a matter of days.

“Well, don’t you have anything to say?” he asked, getting frustrated at my sudden silence. He seemed to have no concept of what I’d endured since I’d seen him last, or how hard it was for me to now speak my mind in the face of his anger. All he knew was the free-spirited child who’d snuck around the citadel with him. He didn’t know the shell I’d become.

The words, when they finally came, surprised me. They were from a place long buried and bore a passion I thought lost. “So you’d rather do it yourself. You have a burning desire to lend me out to powerful men?”

He growled low in his chest. “It doesn’t have to be like that.”

“Are you going to change the way things work in Lumière? Do you have that kind of power?” My quiet words were a weapon, and I hadn’t even known I could wield them that way. He’d always been my protector, my ally. I couldn’t stomach the idea of him becoming my tormentor.

His face hardened, and something twisted in my gut as I braved a glance at him.

“There’s nothing wrong with the way things work in the citadel. You can’t say things like that, Lulu. Besides, I’d only ever do what was right for both of us, and I’d be there every step of the way.”

Shock had me reeling back from him into the shadows, feeling safer as they wrapped around me. My shaky hands went to my stomach, convinced I was about to vomit. He’d thought about this. Being a consort would elevate his position and help him rise through the guardian ranks quicker. Only, I couldn’t fathom how he was unable to see the imbalance in what he was proposing—that it would benefit only him and harm me.

He stared at me as he threw his arms out wide, bewildered by my reaction. “You know I’d never hurt you, right?”

I had thought he’d never hurt me, until a moment ago. Now, everything he said hurt, and the sick feeling twisting in my gut was a warning. As a guardian, he should be my protector. More than that, he was supposed to be my friend. I’d stood in front of another male moments ago who was the source of every child’s nightmares but who had done nothing to harm me. The world told me one of these males was dangerous, and right now, I honestly couldn’t work out which.

Deliberately ignoring his question, I avoided his gaze as I leaned against the closest tree, needing something at my back. “Have you spoken to my mother?”

It wasn’t a requirement before offering but more of a polite courtesy, especially considering how privileged my mother and her consort were within our society. I needed to know, though, how far he’d already gone down this path.

“No. I wouldn’t go behind your back with her like that.” He sounded wounded as he looked away. “You want this so badly and have given up so much to get to this point. I thought you’d prefer it to be me than anyone else.”

Haniel had always been quick to anger when his feelings were hurt. It had me confused. Was I overreacting? Haniel had been my person when I’d needed one growing up. Things were different now, but I needed to believe some things were the same. He deserved my honesty. If nothing else, for the countless times he’d had my back and kept me out of real trouble.

Yet the thought of becoming a vessel after what I’d learned tonight, had horror creeping back in. That Haniel of all people wanted to guide me on that path, knowing what it meant, had my entire world collapsing, leaving me raw. For me, if I had no way out, having it be Haniel would make it infinitely worse.

None of which I could say to him. From the way he was looking at me, he saw nothing wrong with his proposal. He was a guardian now, and he wanted to be more.

A warning prickled up my spine, and I chose my next words carefully.

“Nobody ever told me what it meant before. Knowing what I know now, it would hurt more if it were you.” I paused to let the words sink in, hating the sudden distance between us. “Our friendship would not survive, and that’s more important.”

He sucked in a breath, shoved his hands in his pockets, and stared at the trampled grass rather than meeting the gaze I’d finally leveled on him. It made him look more like the old Haniel I remembered, the one who’d always thought he wasn’t good enough. “I’ve tried to be the male you needed me to be. The one you see when you smile at me. I haven’t always gotten it right, and I’ve made mistakes, especially lately—your brother can attest to that—but our friendship is the one thing I’m proud of. You’re the most important person in my life, Lulu.”

The nickname didn’t seem so awful anymore. This was my Haniel. The shadows fell away as I stepped back into the moonlight and wrapped my arms around Haniel’s waist. Seeing him hurt twisted something deep inside me. This whole situation was a mess. Everything had been so much simpler yesterday, when nobody had wanted anything to do with me. Still horrible, but simpler.

“You, Mara, and Kiran are all I have, Haniel, and I haven’t had any of you in my life in a way that mattered for the longest time. I need us to be okay.”

I felt him nod as he rested his chin on my head, and his arms came back around me, settling beneath my wings.

“I don’t know how to handle someone else being in that position over you,” he admitted, “but if you ask me not to, I won’t offer for you.”

“Thank you.” Relief filtered through as I tamped down the lingering misgivings that I didn’t know the man he’d become. “Maybe it would be better if nobody offered.”

It felt dangerous, saying that much out loud.

Haniel grunted, not sounding convinced, but I felt him relax beneath my arms as he leaned into me. “Whether they do or they don’t, I’ll be here. Okay?”

“Okay.” I sighed as he reached up to stroke my hair.

We stayed that way for a bit, trying to extend this moment of peace for as long as we could.

Eventually, Haniel said, “Let’s get you back to your dorm. Your brother can only distract Elder Weak-in for so long. He’ll be looking for you soon.”

I smiled briefly at the childish nickname Haniel had invented for our elder long ago. Haniel’s deep sigh whispered against my hair before he pulled away and held out his hand.

As loathe as I was to step back into the citadel towers, Haniel was right. We needed to go. I’d already risked being out here for too long. Elder Welkin would take any opportunity to come at me while he still could, and I was expected to sleep in the acolyte dorm for one last night.

As we walked back inside, my hand tucked into Haniel’s, innocent memories from our childhood walked alongside us like ghosts. Only now, I knew monsters were real.

I snuck one peek over my shoulder, unable to keep myself from searching the trees one last time before I locked my gaze forward again, wondering if I had imagined the whole thing.

Later, when I was sure the other acolytes had finally fallen asleep, I dragged my thin blanket over my head and pulled the black feather out from under my pillow where I’d discreetly stashed it. Proof I hadn’t imagined what had happened.

After all the adrenaline of the evening, I’d thought I would crash the minute I fell into bed. Instead, I was strung out and wide awake, with no respite from the thoughts whirling in my mind. And talking more to Mara tonight wasn’t an option, not in the crowded quiet of the acolyte dormitory.

The wisp of a shadow crept down the feather until it stroked my hand lightly again, as if trying to comfort me. Guilt struck me sharp and fast, and I tucked them both away. The Fallen had called me a pet, and the very idea felt repulsive to me.

My mother, and every vessel before me, had followed this path. I’d thought it would be an honor to serve my goddess. Walking away and denying my duty to share my light with our people felt deeply selfish. Even still, I knew in my heart, becoming a vessel now would be the thing to finally break me. Now I knew why they’d kept us so isolated and ignorant.

An urge to run and fly out the closest window was difficult to resist, as was the impulse to gather up every acolyte in the room and tell them the truth. The only thing that kept me in place was the knowledge I had nowhere to go. None of us did. This citadel was locked up tight under a glittering halo.

My mind kept recalling the words of the Fallen, no matter how hard I tried to think of anything else. He’d accused me of being blind, and I suspected he was right. Or at least, I’d been stubbornly single-minded. For the last decade, my world had been ordered and my path clear, my eyes set on my goal. Now, I was starting to realize all the ways I’d been manipulated and betrayed, trained for a role I no longer wanted.

I’d bought into a myth, desperate to fill a void within myself.

On this long, dark night, I even questioned if the goddess was real.

Now, when I was committed to becoming her vessel.

Fear gripped me in its sharp embrace once again. The time for failing had passed, and my choices had disappeared, if I’d ever had any. I was officially a potentiate and must be presented for consort offers in three days’ time.

Only death would excuse me.

If I tried to escape my fate, I suspected that would be a distinct possibility.

More than just the light was tainted within this citadel.