Page 7

Chapter 6

Fleeing Into the Night

All the emotions I’d stuffed deep for so many years threatened to spill out messily, making my breathing hitch and my chest tighten. If this had indeed been another test, I had failed, badly.

“My choice, my light, my life.”

Focusing on the mantra repeating in my head helped keep my emotions from showing on my face. It had been years since I’d let anyone see me cry, or even cried at all, and I refused to change that now. My steps were measured, my shoulders straight, and my hair tucked back as I retreated from the battlefield, followed only by whispers—as I had been my whole life—until I was through the archway and alone on the other side.

After so many years spent prostrating myself at Elder Welkin’s feet, I’d grown mostly numb to his cutting words. This time felt different. None of my punishments had been so blatantly public before. He’d just ripped a bandage off a raw wound, exposing the seeping ugliness beneath.

The way I despised him was only eclipsed by my fear of him. He had become the distorted voice in my head, telling me I was never good enough. A part of me had naively hoped if I became a potentiate, I’d win both his respect and my freedom. A foolish dream.

All the words spoken tonight rang in my head again as I withdrew, echoing louder than my footsteps on the smooth stone floor. Mara’s hesitant questioning of Elder Welkin’s motives and her revelation of how we would share our light, Alastor’s vile whispers, Elder Welkin’s cruel judgment. The voices swirled together until they became a storm threatening to crush me under their weight.

The possibility that my trial had never ended and what I’d endured was only a prelude had my knees almost buckling. What if the other side of this path—the one I’d purposely avoided thinking about—held only fresh torture? It would mean I’d subjugated myself for years only to become a thrall to yet another male’s ambition. That couldn’t be my reward.

My endless stupor had lifted only to deposit me into a nightmare that had me struggling to find enough air to fill my lungs. My mantra slipped away as the words became consumed by the panic I could feel bubbling to the surface, mixing with the feel of Alastor’s brief touch that lingered like a stain I was desperate to scrub off. If he became my consort, it appeared he could touch me as he wished and would be the first in line to share my light.

Horror washed through me, making the pale stone walls appear to close in as their chill seeped into me. I turned in a circle in the empty passageway, looking wildly around for an escape that refused to appear. The orbs closest to me started shimmering wildly, pulsing in time with my rapid heartbeat as they shed sparks in a cascade of glittering light.

“I don’t know what to do.” My feet stuttered to a stop as I closed my eyes, blocking it all out, and sent my senses outward. “Where are you, Nur? I need you.”

The elders had forbidden the use of the goddess’s name within the citadel, yet I’d always found comfort in whispering a hello whenever I thought I’d sensed her nearby. Now, in this moment, when my need for answers was greater than ever, I couldn’t feel her at all, nor sense her anywhere within these ancient walls.

All the questions I’d stuffed down over the years and all the things that made little sense to me about life within the citadel bubbled to the surface. Blindly, I ran through the empty passageways, not caring where I was going, orbs sparking as I passed, until a balmy breeze hit my face and stirred my hair. The mural of the goddess was to my right, and when I looked to my left, I saw a slice of stars whirling their nightly dance through heavy carved wooden doors.

Moonlight spilled through, as if to tempt me out into the night.

I’d stumbled back into the grand foyer of the citadel towers, where I’d waited with Mara earlier. As I stared at Nur’s portrait again, feeling forsaken, the orbs in the foyer shimmered violently. Their sparks washed down into the eddying breeze to swirl around me. It should have been an entrancing sight, but now only added to the surreal, disjointed feeling that was making it hard to breathe.

Without conscious thought, my feet backed away slowly until I was through the heavy timber lintel of the doorway and stumbling down the stone steps to the paved forecourt beyond. My lungs heaved as I escaped the heavy stone presence of the citadel towers and the sweetly scented night air wrapped around me. Moonlight and the night sky always settled me in a way I couldn’t explain. My foundering steps only stopped when I was far enough from the door that I could breathe easier yet remain hidden in the shadow of the towers.

My wings stretched out to let the balmy breeze ruffle through the feathers as I stared up at the sky and the stars peeking through the luster of the halo. The sight calmed me further. An old memory rose. The simple joy of escaping my rooms at night as a child, and occasionally as a novice too—something I hadn’t thought of for years.

My wings fluttered restlessly as I yearned to lift off and shoot straight through the halo and up into that endless sky, to feel free for just a moment. Even a short flight above the citadel would bring some relief. Most of the guardians were within the Aedis, and there would only be a few patrols out tonight. Still, I hesitated.

That was an impossible dream, forbidden to even attempt. The last thing I needed right now was to be caught flying alone. And I would get caught, even if there were only a handful of guardians on duty. The shimmering gold dusting at the tips of my white wings always caught the moonlight in a way that made them glow, effectively singling me out.

Elder Welkin had denied me a chaperone and left me to walk alone, yet I knew there would be consequences if I was discovered anywhere but in my dormitory. Even if I was unsure of everything else right now, I was sure of that.

With a deep sigh, I forced my gaze away from the sky and to the giant oak trees lining the promenade. Their branches twined overhead in a rough arch that, to me, always made it appear as if they were embracing. Despite the risk of lingering, even here on the ground, I couldn’t face returning to the acolyte dormitory just yet. Not while the sweet night air seemed to call to me and my heart ached to escape, even if just for a moment. While I didn’t think any patrols would spot me under their covering branches, I had no way to be sure. Still, it was a lesser risk than flying around. The guardians paid little attention to Neven on the ground.

As I stepped out farther, a bluebird twittered and swooped down to hover in front of me before disappearing into the orchard bordering the trees on one side. A heavily laden scent of apple blossom trailed in its wake, the source of the sweetness drifting on the night air. In the dim light, I thought it looked to be the same bluebird I sometimes left crumbs for on the dormitory windowsill, but I couldn’t be sure.

I envied the tiny bird its ability to fly wherever it chose, even if this was where it chose to be. Feeling reckless, I followed its path, needing to borrow its sense of freedom and push back against the despair lying in wait behind those walls.

With one eye on the skies, I skirted the shadows gathering against the roughly hewn outer wall of the central tower, careful to also watch my footing on the uneven surface of the dusty cobblestones at my feet. I held my breath as I dashed across an open patch of moonlight to the first of the fruit trees.

Apart from the gardeners who tended the orchard during the day, most Neven only used the promenade during the annual Ostara Festival. The entire citadel, including the townsfolk, would come together throughout a week of celebrations. The promenade would host markets during the day, and music and feasts at night. With the festival looming, it would be a hive of activity over the coming days, but for tonight, it was quiet, and I was alone.

Riotous pale pink flowers covered the fruit trees, coaxing a sad smile from me as I reached a finger up and brushed a velvety petal shining gently in the moonlight. Their delicate scent surrounded me, helping to wash away the clinging meat, ale, and musky male odor that had permeated the Aedis tonight. Surely, in a world with so much beauty, there had to be a place for me to exist without so much to endure. Taking a deep breath, I pushed back all those thoughts that weren’t gone, merely waiting to pounce again.

Tugging off my thin slippers, I let the soft grass cushion my feet. The solid curve of a sturdy apple tree beckoned, and sensing Nur’s light deep within it, helping it flourish, I leaned against its trunk for a moment to let its trapped warmth soothe me. After a moment, I wandered deeper into the trees, seeking more of her. Only, she wasn’t here either. Not in the way I needed—the way I’d desperately hoped to find once I became a potentiate.

Wherever Nur was, she wasn’t in Lumière in any form I could connect with, I was sure of it.

For the first time in years, I wondered what was beyond the halo. What kind of life might exist out there, and if the horrors of the ground were any worse than those within the beautiful cage of this citadel—the ones I couldn’t escape.

My feet dragged as I turned to leave, lingering just a little longer to stroke my fingers over the rough bark of the closest tree trunk. A dark shape fluttering in the breeze above my hand caught my eye and halted me in place. Curious, I reached up to free it from where it had gotten caught on the bark. It was an ebony feather, blacker than the night sky—so dark it seemed to disappear in the shadows of the tree as I twirled it. Yet when I stepped out into a thin shaft of moonlight and held it up, a mesmerizing, translucent blue shimmer shone across its glossy surface.

Could a crow have lost it? I’d seen crow feathers before, and they didn’t have the same shine when the moonlight hit them, nor were they this large. The higher branches of the apple trees usually held sleeping birds at night, but there were none to be seen.

On impulse, I held the ebony feather up against my outstretched wing and stilled as I watched it nestle in neatly amongst my own pale feathers. Stark against the white yet undoubtedly Neven.

It couldn’t be. My whole body went rigid, and a dense weight settled in my stomach as I listened to the sounds around me with a keener ear. The soft breeze rustling the leaves in the tree overhead—the only sound within the orchard—taunted me, almost as if they were colluding with the enemy. The usual evening chatter of the birds was missing. Not even an owl hooted at me for disturbing its hunting, as if they all knew a predator was near.

The feather quivered as my hand shook lightly. A Neven’s wings didn’t shed feathers, nor did they get snared or tangled in branches, which meant this one had been plucked out and left here deliberately.

I wasn’t alone.

“I’m going to need that back, little light wielder.”