Page 14

Chapter 13

Searching for Answers

Despite my lack of sleep, I woke the next morning with a renewed sense of determination. The same thoughts I’d had as I’d finally drifted off woke me with the morning light.

If becoming a vessel was no longer my path to Nur, I’d forge a new one.

The light in this citadel was tainted, and I wanted to know why. My goal was unchanged, if a little less clear.

There was one thing I knew with certainty, though: I wanted more than pretty dresses and lies. I suspected they were weapons my mother had learned to wield in her own way, but I wanted more. I wanted answers. My entire being burned for them like a spreading wildfire. If my mother refused to give more than vague riddles, I’d find the truth myself.

Only, I had to do it before Elder Welkin formally presented me as a potentiate tomorrow evening. I had two days to get my own answers, figure out how much I’d risked in keeping that feather, and decide what to do.

After clearing up the evidence of my tantrum last night, I walked out of my room to see my mother wrapped around her consort on the couch. I wasn’t sure if this was their usual routine, or if she was keeping him preoccupied. With a smirk aimed squarely at me, he stroked her bare leg where her robe had fallen open before I looked away. He was flushed with energy and light, while my mother looked drained, her face overly made-up to cover the puffy, dark circles under her eyes.

I’d planned to talk to my mother about consorts yesterday afternoon, but right in front of me was confirmation of everything Mara had said—a truth my mother was revealing without words in a way that was impossible to avoid even if I had missed yesterday morning’s lesson.

Not wanting to seem too eager to leave, I turned and made myself a tartine from the breakfast tray on the sideboard. It had been my favorite breakfast as a child. My mouth watered as I grabbed a slice of thick, fresh bread from the lumis-warmed tray, slathered it generously with butter and fruit preserve, and helped myself to a large glass of orange juice. Nobody was watching me, and there were no hovering chaperones deciding for me what I would eat, so I was going to take full advantage of my momentary freedom and indulge while I could.

I didn’t bother with finding a chair to sit in, not intending to spend my day cooped up while watching this show play out. When I was done eating, I wiped my face and hands with one of the warmed washcloths provided, then took another moment to straighten my acolyte robe and smooth my hair back from my face, making sure my appearance provided no opportunity to deny me what I was about to ask.

“Is it okay if I spread my wings? I haven’t stretched them out in weeks,” I asked, keeping my eyes down and my posture meek as I approached before stopping a respectful distance away from them. The gauzy white curtains of a nearby window fluttered gently in the mild breeze, beckoning me to step out onto the open ledge. I intended to do just that, because I finally could.

“Fine.” My mother waved her hand without even looking at me, much as she’d done when I was a child. “Elder Welkin already declared you undeserving of an escort. Just be back in time for dinner. We’ll eat together here tonight so I can brief you about tomorrow night’s ceremony.”

My feelings for my mother were a conflicted mess, but sorting them out wasn’t the step I’d chosen to focus on. I’d figure out if I could trust her words before I tackled any of that. So I gritted my teeth and shoved it all down deep, even knowing that overstuffed space inside me already felt like a powder keg ready to blow. That, too, was a problem for another day.

The closest window beckoned again, and I headed toward it without a backward glance. The moans that came from behind me convinced me there wasn’t anything I wanted to see back there. Nothing else existed anyway, not when the sky teased me with its deep, sparkling blue.

That first step was as liberating as I’d imagined. Not willing to linger for even a moment, I extended my powerful wings as I launched myself off the ledge, pumping hard to get some height and distance from everything trying to pull me down. After being cloistered away for years, I just needed a moment purely for me, to find myself in the sudden storm clouds swirling around me.

When I was high enough, I closed my eyes as I floated on a current of air and let my wings embrace the sun-warmed breeze. “Hi, Nur.”

The simple joy of it washed over me. This was where I was happiest, where I felt free. Unfettered. My mind wandered into an old yet familiar daydream as I imagined all the places I might see if only I could fly forever. There had to be some kind of life worth living out there that the wraiths hadn’t destroyed.

“Open your eyes, you twit.” The harsh, shouted words startled me. My eyes sprung back open, and I veered to avoid flying into an elder’s underling laden with orbs.

“Sorry,” I stuttered, but he barely glanced at me, focused on his task and his cargo.

I looked around to see the sky behind me had become unusually crowded, with buzzing activity concentrated over the citadel promenade. Our social gatherings happened as much outside as inside, so there was always Neven flying around the city, especially on the days the guardians performed shirtless drills. They usually gathered lower down, though. Today, a large group was higher up, putting together an orb display for tomorrow night’s festivities. They placed them so the orbs would hover in a pattern above the city.

I’d get no peace in the sky today.

My sigh was deep as I looked back toward the horizon. I could see the faint shimmer of the halo surrounding the citadel, distorting the air and the clouds beyond it. It was impossible to fly through and forbidden to approach, unless you were an elite guardian. I didn’t know how they made it through. Only that they refused to share their secrets, like most Neven within this citadel. I wondered if my brother and Haniel had ever been through, and what the air was like on the other side. It was unlikely either would answer questions about it, though, even from me.

We’d been taught as children that the halo existed for our protection. Yet humans couldn’t fly. Neither could wraiths, as far as I knew. None had dared to attack since the citadel had ascended into the sky, carrying us with it. The Fallen were the only danger to us up here, and I’d never heard of any sightings, only the old tales. Until yesterday.

The halo hadn’t kept the Fallen out. So what was its purpose? It was something I had often wondered but never dared ask. If asking too much about lumis orbs provoked a punishment, even as I was being taught to wield them, I could only imagine what asking about the halo would do. Yet I did know someone who had breached it somehow.

The reminder of the strange Fallen had my focus turning back to the ground as I fingered the dark feather I’d once again hidden in my pocket. The answers were out there. I just had to find them. Despite my guilt, I had to wonder if maybe at least some answers lay in the most unlikely, and forbidden, place of all.

With the Fallen.

He was the only person I had ever met who had pushed me to ask questions, and I had plenty. It was only fair he answered them.

Only, I knew I had a limited opportunity to ask. Whatever his purpose in being here, it was a grave risk—one I was sure he wouldn’t take for long, if he was still here.

Where would I look for him? With my wings fluttering lightly, I glided in a loose arc around the main towers. Our meeting the other night had been thrust upon me. If I sought him out now, with a clear head, it would be a choice, but my options were limited. Although, if I was honest with myself, I’d already made the choice the second I pocketed his feather, and again this morning, before I’d even stepped out the window.

If I wanted to seek him out now, I had to be smart. Already, I was attracting too much attention, with more and more heads turning my way. Even on the ground within the town, I could see a few people looking up and pointing.

A faint breeze rustled my hair, and the light itself seemed to whisper, “Find him.” Or maybe that was just what I wanted to hear.

Changing direction, I discreetly checked out the orchard from above to see if there were any flickers of dark movement, but from up here, the trees appeared too tightly packed. Besides, only a fool would take such a risk with so many people flying above the promenade today, and he hadn’t seemed like one.

He had to be holed up either somewhere in the citadel towers, or in the surrounding town. The town was off limits to me, even unchaperoned, so I hoped it was the former. Only, there was a problem there too. The towers glowed, even in the daylight, from all the lumis orbs within reflecting off the pale stonework. I couldn’t make out even a flicker of shadow. The only darkened spots were the lowest levels, where the stones were covered in passionfruit vines and there were fewer windows.

Then there were the forbidden levels—the ones below ground and frequented by thralls. The ones I had visited yesterday morning with my mother. My gut told me if he was still here, he’d be down there somewhere.

I glided another moment longer. Deciding to question a Fallen was different to hunting one down and facing him again. The male hadn’t hurt me, but I had no doubt he was dangerous. The many knives strapped to him attested to that, as did the way he moved. Even when still, his body held coiled intent. He was watchful and patient, like the hawks hugging the darkened eaves, watching for unsuspecting prey. Seeing everything.

I hoped the fact he seemed to want to talk to me—for his own purposes, I was sure—would keep me safe. For now.

The wisp of shadow wound around my finger again, sharing comfort the same way it had last night. A tugging sensation emanating from it seemed to urge me toward the citadel too.

Knowing I couldn’t go back to my mother’s suite or the acolyte dorms, I headed for the main entrance first, but the grand foyer was as crowded as the sky above. Landing just outside the doors, I walked in, hoping to be discreet, but the mingling Neven gave me curious glances as hissed whispers began to trail in my wake.

“There she is.”

“That’s her.”

“Why is she alone?”

“Didn’t you hear?”

My shoulders tensed, and I cursed inwardly as I headed for a less populated passageway while keeping my eyes directed at the floor. Once I was out of sight, I aimed for the next stairwell headed down.

At first, the solo search felt liberating and exciting, yet after poking around endlessly in windowless, musty-smelling passageways for what felt like hours, frustration built. As much as I hated to give up, I had to admit how hard a task I’d set myself. The lower levels of the citadel were riddled with passageways and shadowed alcoves. The mysterious Fallen could be anywhere. Or nowhere.

My hand crept into my pocket and stroked the feather again, as if that would draw him to me. It had worked last night. He’d appeared as soon as I’d plucked it from the tree.

A warm tingle spread as the shadow stroked my hand in reassurance. I had no clue how the Fallen’s shadows worked, but this one seemed sentient, almost as if it yearned for the comfort of touch as much as I did. Its warm caress settled something inside me, and after a moment, I didn’t feel quite so lost. That was a startling, aching feeling in itself, regardless of the surprising source.

I pulled my hand free of my pocket, and the shadow came with it, clinging to me gently.

“Hi, there,” I whispered as I stroked its softness with my thumb, keeping my voice low though there was no one around. “Do you know where he is?”

There was no answer. Of course.

“I guess it’s just you and me, then.”

As soon as the words left my lips, the faint sound of footsteps reached me, and my heart raced. Excitement and trepidation warred within me as each step drew rapidly closer. The dark figure was moving so fast that they almost barged into me as they came around the bend, only pulling up at the last moment.

My limbs froze, but there was no dark hood or swirling shadows. Only a thrall. A young female thrall, with straggly brown hair and a stained shift, who startled and grabbed her chest as her mouth fell open at the sight of me. She backed away, but her eyes remained on me as recognition dawned.

“You were waiting for my mother yesterday morning.” My thoughts tumbled out, my words working faster than my brain for once.

The thrall’s fear of being spotted with a Neven was palpable, her limbs shaking in terror. I had no intention of hurting her, but as I noted the bruises marring her pale skin in blooming patches, I realized somebody had. She signed “danger” with her hands as she backed farther into the gloom of the passageway. I raised my hand, not sure what I intended to do, but before I could reach out to her or sign anything in reply, she turned and left me with only the echoing sound of her running footsteps.

“Wait! I have questions for you,” I called out as I stepped forward, ready to give chase, knowing that Neven were faster than humans. There was no way I could let this opportunity pass.

A breath against the sensitive tip of my ear and a tingling flood of awareness had me stilled with one foot off the ground. It seemed my draw had worked after all, or perhaps my stolen shadow had called to him.

A dark, lilting voice spoke from right behind me, so close I could feel his breath stirring my hair.

“If you have questions, little light wielder, you can ask me.”