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Chapter 15

Stepping Into Shadow

“I’ll only tell you if you take me with you. I need answers too, and I can’t get there on my own anymore.”

Nier was still and silent as he considered my rash request, his assessing gaze spearing through me, seeing everything I wanted to hide. As much as I wanted to look away, I forced myself to meet his cooly assessing stare.

“I need to know roughly where and what is keeping you from it before I agree to this.”

He was considering it. My relief and excitement were too palpable to hide. Loose waves of hair had slipped out from behind my ear when he dragged me into this alcove; now, they got in my face as I nodded my head eagerly. I shoved them back carelessly.

“It’s in the town, in a shed on the far end of the garden district—toward the back of the citadel, about halfway to the outer wall.”

He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck as he frowned, a multitude of thoughts flashing behind those eyes that I couldn’t decipher. “Why can’t you get there on your own?”

A small sigh escaped as I shook my head. “Because as an acolyte, the town was off limits to me. As a potentiate, I’m still not allowed without a chaperone, and I don’t have one. I’ve been deemed unworthy. I can wander the citadel, but I can’t enter the town without causing more trouble than I want or need right now.”

His lips pulled together in a slight grimace as he looked down at me with a furrowed brow. “Is this something you’re willing to risk your position as a potentiate, maybe even your life, for?”

We watched each other for a moment. Our nearness within this darkened space, only inches apart, lent an air of familiarity, as if we’d known each other for much longer than the mere moments we’d shared. It was a temporary intimacy that I presumed would not stand the tests of the world outside. I knew only too well how friendships faded when challenged.

“How much do you know about the elders who rule this citadel? Or the vessels who light it?” I asked. He was considering taking me but hadn’t agreed. If I was going to convince him, I needed him to know what this meant to me.

“I know that most of what your people have been told is a lie, but not why, or what your elders are up to. My shadows can get me into many places, but knowing where to look is the key. I need something to point me in the right direction, or a better source of information.”

He swallowed hard, as if trying to take back the lack of knowledge he’d laid bare, but if we were going to take this risk together, we both needed to be honest…to a degree.

I nodded with less exuberance this time. I couldn’t deny his words, for I was beginning to believe them, especially about the lies pervading this citadel.

Twice now, I’d been told everything written in the codex was a lie. It was too much of a coincidence. It felt more like a message I wasn’t hearing, one that the fates felt the need to repeat. Besides, if our only permitted book was full of lies, maybe these hidden ones held truths. I had to find out, because no answers lay in doing the same thing I’d been doing for the last five years. None ever had.

“I decided on my path a long time ago. I’ve endured a lot to get this far—the last step to reach my goal of becoming a vessel—but the things I’ve learned the last few days have me questioning my path. Tomorrow, during the first night of the Ostara Festival, I’ll be officially presented as a potentiate. I need to know if there’s another path, and I need to know now. I don’t have any later left. If the thrall can’t give me answers, you are my only other option. That’s why I decided to look for you this morning, and nothing you’ve said has convinced me it was the wrong decision. I need to do this. We need to do this.”

I didn’t tell him of my mother’s warning that I couldn’t become a vessel. It appeared I would readily share my people’s secrets with Nier, but not my own. Besides, while my memories of Nur aligned with what my mother had disclosed, I still wasn’t sure how much I could trust my mother. My intuition told me she was hiding more than she was revealing.

“If anyone finds out, sharing those books with me will be considered a betrayal of your people.” His eyes blazed, daring me to deny the seriousness of what I was offering. “And we both know how that story ends.”

Guilt flared hard and fast, but I was growing used to that and brushed it aside. “The lies I’ve been told my whole life are also a betrayal. It’s a risk I’m willing to take to find the truth.”

His eyes blazed for a moment, and he opened and closed his mouth, but no words came out. He shifted his stance and stared blankly at the wall above me as he spent a moment deep in thought. If he were searching for other options, he wasn’t going to find them in this tiny alcove.

“Okay,” he finally agreed, “but on one condition. You have to do everything I say. We’ll be shadow walking, so you’re going to have to hold on to me tightly and move as I do, or you may expose us both.”

My stomach swooped in a mixture of apprehension and excitement. “What’s shadow walking?”

He grimaced and shook his head. “It’s like walking through a cloud and coming out somewhere else. It will be easier to show you than to explain.”

Could I do that? I craved the opportunity to do new things, but just about everything was new to me since leaving the acolyte dorms. Or new again.

I eyed his swirling shadows as I jammed my hand in my pocket, seeking reassurance from the tiny tendril that had taken to twirling around my fingers whenever it got the chance. If I could touch this one so easily, surely I could walk through or with another one, or whatever it was he was proposing.

I willingly held his burning gaze, letting him see the swirling emotions I usually kept so contained. Only this morning, I’d sworn to myself I’d find another path. This was the only one the fates had opened to me, and I had to take it.

“I’m trusting you not to harm me,” I said.

He didn’t look away either, his expression naked and earnest. “I swear on my brother’s life, neither I nor my shadows will harm you.”

I had little experience with people or the world around me, yet in this moment, trusting an unknown felt like a lesser risk than trusting those who had lied to me for decades. I’d come this far; what was one more step?

“I believe you.” They weren’t empty words, as inexplicable as they were. My instincts told me he’d spoken his truth.

His nod was decisive and resolute. We were doing it. In this, at least, we would become allies. “Let’s go, then.”

He made a quick hand gesture that pulled his shadows from the opening of the alcove. They darkened menacingly as they streamed in my direction, like fragments of night come to claim me. Talking with Nier was one thing, but whatever we were about to do, I had a feeling there was no coming back from it.

The way his shadows slid over my body felt almost possessive, and it had me tensing. Despite my bold words to him, a moment of doubt crept in. Talking about a thing was entirely different from the doing of it. Perhaps my decision-making skills were rusty and couldn’t be trusted right now.

“Wait,” I mumbled. My heart raced, and I put my hand up instinctively, unsure of my intentions, only my hand ended up resting on his chest. He trapped it with his own larger, stronger hand as he closed what little gap there was between us, pressing our joined hands between our bodies.

“Don’t be afraid. I’ve got you.” The occasional gruffness to his voice had disappeared as those lilting, persuasive tones I remembered from the first night we met washed over me.

“I’m not afraid,” I insisted, my voice way too breathy. I was keenly aware of how close he was as the warmth of his body seeped into me.

“Uh-huh,” he replied, and the corner of his mouth twitched, dispelling the gravity of his gaze. The feel of his thumb sliding over the sensitive skin of my wrist to feel my pulse once again distracted me from my panic. His touch anchored me in the moment but did nothing to calm the rapid beat of my heart.

I expected to feel smothered as the thick shadows settled around us and pressed in close, but it didn’t feel like that at all. His shadows felt comforting as they brushed against me with whisper-soft caresses. It was like being cuddled up in a snuggly blanket on a frosty morning. This close, I could almost hear them whispering, like an echo at a pitch above my natural hearing. I found I could still see, too. It was like looking through a smoky glass window.

“Have you ever done this before?” I asked. “Shadow walked with someone else?” My nerves were loosening my tongue. It had been a long time since I’d asked anyone this many questions. And yet, while he was answering, I was going to keep asking.

He hesitated for a beat as he looked at me with a puzzled frown before replying. “No. Our shadows aren’t usually so receptive to other people. I’ve never known mine to react like this to anyone else, not even my brother.”

That was the second time he’d mentioned his brother. I figured they must be close. It was a little surprising to see such a strong familial bond in a being that was supposed to be little more than a raging beast.

As I raised a hand, the shadows shifted with me, keeping me cocooned. Nier watched me closely, probably waiting to see if I panicked again, but I didn’t sense any menace from them. His shadows felt familiar and protective, if a little curious.

“So, what are we waiting for?” I tried to shoot him a reassuring smile I hoped was stronger than it felt. It seemed to have the opposite effect.

His body tensed against mine, and the darkness seemed to thicken around us as he pulled his hood up over his head. “I don’t know how far my shadows will stretch around us both. I need you to keep quiet, hold on, and stay tight behind me. Watch your footing. Stop when I do; move when I do. Do not let go of my hand. I need to keep in contact with you so I don’t lose you. Got it?”

His voice deepened, a hint of steel running through it. No softly spoken words or vulnerability remained. He was all focused intent now as he concentrated on the passageway beyond us. This Nier was not to be messed with. It made me realize just how dangerous what we were about to do was. To be caught could be disastrous for us both. “Got it.”

I’d spent much of my childhood years, and even some as a novice, sneaking out and creeping around, even at night. But I was honest enough with myself to know the reason I’d never been caught wasn’t because I was great at it. The only reason I’d gotten away with it was because I’d never been averse to hiding in a shadow. Nobody within the citadel expected it because they all chased the light.

Nier was right. Our guardians were complacent. It had me worried about my brother. I sensed a change in the air, a shifting of winds within the currents of the world. Whatever was causing it, I wasn’t at all sure our citadel defenses would hold, or that we’d all survive.

He gave me one long, searching look, his eyes glinting from within his hood. Then he took a deep, steadying breath and turned around, pulling me against his back in one abrupt motion as his wings flared and settled partially over me. It felt incredibly intimate, and I realized he was placing trust in me as well, even if he hadn’t voiced it.

I clutched at his tunic with my free hand as he stepped. We were out of the alcove and down the passageway within the span of a heartbeat, disorienting me. His hand gripping mine and his wings holding me against him were all that kept me anchored. My wings instinctively tried to flare out to steady me, but I pulled them back in and kept them tightly tucked. As soon as he paused after the next step, I reached around his waist with my free arm and grabbed hold of him more securely.

Every other thought vanished as I focused on staying safely behind him, my body plastered to his. I didn’t want to find out what would happen if I fell out of his shadows while he was shadow walking.

It wasn’t easy. I had to trust him because I couldn’t see where we were going. He was too tall and broad, too all-encompassing. He blocked out the world. I focused on his feet while keeping one hand clasped tightly in his and the other pressed to the hard planes of his abdomen. Eventually, I became attuned to his fluid movements and brief pauses. The muscles in his back would bunch just before he moved. I could feel them shifting, even under the thin woolen tunic he wore. It wasn’t at all distracting… I’d never been so physically close to any male except my brother and Haniel. My heart pounded, and I told myself it was just adrenaline from the danger.

When I briefly stumbled on a longer step, Nier shifted our joined hands up behind me to pull me against him more securely. His shadows tightened in around me too, almost stroking me. When the light brightened and the sound of voices picked up, I knew we were in the wealthy area of town on the other side of the promenade from the orchard. After the next step, the distinctive, pungent aroma of goats told me we were passing through the livestock borough. It was disconcerting hearing the bleats of animals and people moving so close to us, sometimes only a few feet away, yet not seeing us. We were like a passing breeze. I wasn’t even sure my feet were touching the ground.

Far quicker than I would have thought possible, he paused and pulled me around in front of him. The world seemed to rush back toward me, making me dizzy. He hunched and wrapped himself around me as he whispered in my ear, “Which way?”

His breath skating over the sensitive skin of my neck and ear had my brain short-circuiting. He had me held so tightly between him and his shadows that we were almost sharing the same air. Never in my life had someone held me so protectively, not even Haniel or my brother.

“Are you lost?” he asked, as his arms tensed around me.

I wanted to smack him, but I couldn’t move my arms. I hadn’t seen a thing since we left the alcove. Of course I was lost. There was also the fact I hadn’t been here since I was a child. I hadn’t thought this through.

I swiveled my head to look around, trying to place us through the haze of the shadows. The town was laid out in boroughs that fit the different occupations of the residents. This was the gardening borough that ran from the orchard along the promenade and hugged the outer wall, almost to the thrall dorms. It was the biggest borough, and every house here exploded with greenery that perfumed the air, all of it edible. It trailed from roofs, up and down walls, and on every square of ground not reserved for the central pathway. We had very little spare ground within the citadel walls, so every available surface here was used to grow food. It made the houses all look the same, except for their brightly colored doors. As if the garden had always existed and a giant hand had pushed the houses up from the earth…

I was about to admit my blunder when I spied a familiar blue door that I remembered, only because Haniel had pointed out this one was almost the same color as my eyes. It was a little farther down the connecting street.

“We’re close,” I whispered. I looked around again, then up until I spotted a glass roof that was slightly taller than the surrounding houses at the back of the blue-door house. I gestured with my chin, not wanting to release my grip on him. “There. It’s on the far side of that greenhouse.”

“Lead the way,” he murmured.

I stilled in his arms. Nobody had ever asked me to lead anything, or even offered to stand back and let me do something.

“I thought you said you weren’t afraid?” he challenged when I didn’t respond.

Well, I was going to do it now. There was no way I was letting him think I was afraid. “I’m not, but you’re going to have to tell me how.” I had no idea what he was expecting me to do.

“Aim for the next closest shadow and step, and I’ll move with you.”

My heart leaped into my throat. Shadow walking while clasped to Nier’s back had been exhilarating once the initial trepidation had worn off. The thought of doing it while I could see everything moving around me was daunting. I couldn’t deny, though, the prospect excited me. There was so little I’d been allowed to experience in my life. Even this one thing made my world feel bigger.

“Are you sure the shadows will move with me?” I asked. I wasn’t afraid, but I also wasn’t reckless. Stepping out of a shadow into the middle of a town I was forbidden to be in wasn’t on my list of things to do today.

“They’ll move with us ,” he whispered. “You’ve got this.”

I shifted in readiness to move, and he shifted with me, loosening his grip. It was the middle of the day, and the sun was directly overhead, so I aimed for another overhanging eave. As I stepped, the shadows seemed to rush out and pull us in, almost floating us across. I lifted my foot, and we were there.

“Whoa.” I breathed out heavily and tried to shake the slight feeling of disorientation. Thankfully, his arms around me kept me upright. No wonder we had gotten here so fast. It was different doing it and being able to see it at the same time, even though I knew it was him stepping us from behind.

“Are you okay?” His question was the lightest whisper, his lips touching the shell of my ear, little more than a breath on the air. In this new spot, there were residents gardening two houses away from us, and a Neven flying to our right.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak as I moved again. By the third jump, we had the hang of it, and a sense of exhilaration filled me. It was almost like flying.

Disappointment filled me at how soon we got there. It was a decrepit old barn attached to the greenhouse. I slid the heavy timber door across, noticing it didn’t squeak like I’d expected, and looked around. Gardening equipment filled the space. I figured it was intentional, because the clutter made it hard to see the dimensions of the room.

“I was hoping for books, not spades,” Nier whispered. He looked around while stepping us over various garden tools lying haphazardly across the walkway. His shadows stretched out into the room, seeking. It didn’t take them long to congregate at the back wall and discover the same thing I had as a curious child.

Tugging on the hand I still held, I dragged him over to a precarious pile of crates stacked almost to the roof and pointed to a door hidden behind it.

He edged past me and slipped into the narrow space before sliding the door open. It sounded as quiet and well-oiled as the outer door. He tugged me in behind him, and I slid it closed behind us, not wanting anyone to wander in and catch us.

Only, there were no windows within the hidden room, so it left us in pitch darkness. Our rapid breaths, loud in the cramped space, were the only sounds. I reached out tentatively and felt the spines of books alongside us.

“You aren’t afraid of the dark, are you?” Nier asked from in front of me.

I shrugged but realized he couldn’t see me. Unless he could? “Can you see in the dark?”

He chuckled, a darkly amused sound. “No, but my shadows don’t whisper in words. They send impressions. It’s like having the knowledge of seeing something without actually seeing it, if that makes sense? I can discern books, but not enough to tell what books they are or to read them. It could be a thousand copies of the codex. Leaving the door open might be our only option, but it’s not ideal if we’re here for long. It’s a pity you can’t wield light without a source, because now would be a good time to do it.”

My next breath came out on a long exhale. “Maybe I can…”