Page 21

Chapter 20

Putting on Armor

“Now then, let’s see to your hair and rouge your faces. Tonight is important, and we want you both to look your best.”

My mother dragged three wooden chairs over to sit facing the window, where the light was brightest in the room—two facing the window, and one with its back to it—then moved a side table over between them all.

“Can I do anything to help?” Mara offered.

“No, just sit. Give me a minute to gather some things.” Mother promptly disappeared into her room without another glance at either of us. I knew she had a dressing table in her room filled with her rouges and sparkling things for her hair because I’d snuck in there as a child and touched it all in wonder. She didn’t seem to want us in her room, though. Some things didn’t change.

“Thank you for not objecting to my being here,” Mara said. A hint of nervousness showed in her formal tone and the way she fiddled with the tie in the front of her acolyte robe. She was still wearing hers, the same as I was. Some habits were hard to break.

“Why would I object?”

“Your mother was right the other morning. I haven’t been a friend to you for a long time,” Mara said. She frowned and looked down at her demurely crossed feet. “After we became acolytes, I tried to avoid drawing attention to myself, but that was selfish, and you didn’t deserve to be abandoned. You have so few people to look out for you.”

I leaned over on impulse and grabbed her hand. “Neither do you, Mara. Your family cares for you deeply, but they can’t help you on this path. They expect a lot from you and need you to lift them beyond their current social status. It’s a lot for you to carry, and it’s much bigger than me. I’ve always understood that, and I never blamed you for it.”

Mara squeezed my hand, but she still wouldn’t meet my eyes. I sensed there was something else weighing on her.

“Is that all, or was there something else? Or maybe…someone else?” Her eyes flew to mine, and I knew I was right. “Did it have to do with Haniel?”

She gasped and paled. “You knew about Haniel and me?”

Holding her hand for this conversation felt awkward, and I let it go. Haniel had been my friend, but not my love. I’d figured that out when he’d declared his intention to offer as my consort. So I had no right to be upset, and I wasn’t—just saddened at how much lay between us all. It wasn’t what I’d imagined our future to be. “No, but I do now.”

“You tricked me!” Shock colored her voice.

“Based on the way you looked at him the other night, I thought maybe you had developed a crush, not that anything had happened between you two.” I wished now I’d paid more attention. I’d never thought the three of us were anything more than friends. Had they been discreet, or had I been self-absorbed? I wasn’t sure I was going to like the answer to that question.

She stared at me awkwardly for a long minute. “It was before you two got together. He never cheated on you. I would never do that, and neither would he.”

“Before?” Now I was truly confused. Haniel and I had only been together briefly, and it had been a long time ago.

She nodded, but the movement was slow and hesitant. “We were exploring things before you asked him to be your first. He broke up with me to be with you. We hadn’t done much more than kissing, though.”

It was my turn to be shocked. How could he do that to her? “Why didn’t either of you tell me? I would never have asked that of him if I’d known.”

She was quiet for a moment, and I braced for her next words. “He asked me not to, and I agreed, but then it was harder than I expected to watch you sneak out to meet him.”

Anger settled over me, and I felt overheated. He’d betrayed us both, and Mara’s and my friendship had paid the price, not him. Words I’d heard before but never uttered spilled out of me. “That light-sucking pig’s ass.”

“Alula!” My mother’s admonishment startled me as she came back into the room. “That is no language fitting of a potentiate.”

“Sorry, Mother. I—”

“Yes, I heard,” she interrupted, “and it’s good that you both already figured out how unreliable and untrustworthy males can be. As a vessel, it’s an important lesson to learn early. If you can remember it, you have a shot at staying friends through what comes next. Most vessels don’t.”

Mara and I looked at each other. My anger turned to a low simmer as I felt the layer of guilt weighing on me press down heavier, as if another shovel load had been heaped on top. Mara didn’t know my mother and brother had elaborate plans in place to save me from becoming a vessel. I was about to abandon her, and for purely selfish reasons as well—to save myself. Was I any better?

She’d had the kindness to warn me about her fears. Surely I should warn her about what I had since learned.

As I opened my mouth, my mother cut me off with a pointed look.

“I will say,” my mother said, “if you can find a male with a good heart, grab onto him and do not let go. In our world, they are rare.” She put a bottle of wine and three glasses on the table between us and poured three generous serves before passing one to each of us. “Here. It will help dispel your nerves and loosen you up a little. You both look like you need it. You need to walk into the Aedis tonight looking like you own the world.”

She didn’t wait to see if we drank it, leaving the final decision up to us. Instead, she rummaged in a bag, then added an array of tiny brushes and pots on the table.

Mara raised her eyebrows at me in surprise. Yeah. This version of my mother was new, and it was disconcerting for me too. I shrugged at Mara and took a sip of the wine. Acolytes weren’t allowed to drink wine or mead, so this was a first for us both. It tasted sweeter than I expected, fruity yet also a little tart.

“Now, enough talk of males. They do enough of that amongst themselves. I want to talk to you about the ceremony. Do either of you know how it will go?”

“No,” we answered. Nobody had told us much of anything.

“Typical.” She sighed as she got up and started brushing out Mara’s hair. “You will probably go first, Mara. The elders like to present the potentiates in order of power, and you displayed the most across all the testing sessions.”

It didn’t surprise me. Being the strongest light wielder was the only way Mara would have made it to become a potentiate, given her family background. If she’d been less adept at wielding, they would have sent her home way back when she finished her schooling as a novice. I noticed my mother used the word “displayed,” though. Not “held” or “possessed” the most power.

“Oh. I didn’t know that. I don’t know how I feel about going first.”

Elder Welkin wasn’t big on sharing information, or maybe just not with Mara and me.

As novices, we had both sang at some of the community events held during the festival under the watchful eyes of our chaperones, but we had never attended the formal dinner or the potentiate presentation, so this was all new to us.

“It’s a good thing.” My mother brushed Mara’s concerns aside as easily as she did her hair. “You’ll all be presented eventually, and going first gives you a better chance of receiving an offer. While eligible males can make more than one offer, it’s not common, and there’s only so many who are considered eligible each year. The person going last is most at risk of not getting an offer.”

My mother gave me a pointed look, and I assumed she’d made sure it was me going last. Mara glanced at me too, but she winced as she smiled at me. She didn’t think I was going to get any offers. Realizing it was more than my mother who thought so took away some of my agitation. Or maybe that was the wine.

“The potentiates will all stand near their entrances around the edge of the room. The orb display will be in the center, so you’ll be in the shadows underneath the balcony. When your name is called, you need to step into the light, walk down the aisle in front of you, then up onto the stone dais. It will be at floor level to start, then the dais will spin around and up, displaying you to the entire room until it reaches full height. It will stay there until the offers have all been made, then it will spin down again. I hope neither of you get dizzy easily. It can be a little unsettling, and you’ll both be wearing heeled sandals. You do not want to stumble, so make sure you plant your feet firmly, or as best as you can, while still standing tall to show off your figure. I find it helps to focus on the archways at the back rather than the crowd in front of you.”

When we both stared at her in horror, she asked, “Have either of you worn heels before?”

“No,” we both squawked.

“Curse his obstinate ass,” she muttered, making me bite my lip to hide my grin. I’d never heard anyone other than Haniel disrespect an elder before. “Wait here. You need to practice.”

She disappeared back into her room but was back out again in moments. She handed me a pair of sandals that had tiny crisscrossing straps in a shiny fabric with two long strips at the top, and tall points at the back that looked impossible to walk on. I’d seen my mother wearing them for years and had never paid much attention because she made it look effortless. Yet now that I had to put them on, these looked terrifying. As an acolyte, I’d only ever worn silken slippers.

“Tie them around your ankles, Alula, then walk around while I work on Mara.” She waved me off and got back to work.

I could see Mara eyeing me nervously, so I winked at her and strapped them on before picking my glass up and taking a swig for courage. The first few steps were wobbly, and I felt ridiculous, but I kept going. I put the glass of wine back down first, though. No use tempting fate.

My mother glanced over. “Keep your shoulders straight and your hips tucked in. You want to make sure your center of gravity is aligned.”

I did as she said, and it helped.

“Better,” she called out in encouragement as I headed across the room, then she went back to explaining to Mara what she was doing and the different rouges she was using as Mara sipped from her glass.

It was strange—finally having a motherly moment with this woman who had been a stranger most of my life. I decided not to question it and just enjoy it. Who knew what the next few days were going to bring for either of us?

When I noticed my mother holding up a mirror for Mara, I headed over to see her transformation. I was stunned. She didn’t look overly done up, like some vessels did. Her hair was draped back in an elegant half knot with gold and gems sparkling in it, the rest tumbling freely down her back. The rouge on her cheeks was subtle and enhanced her natural beauty, except around her eyes, which were shadowed and winged with gold. It made them stand out in the most remarkable way. The overall effect was stunning.

“You look beautiful, Mara,” I said, and I meant every word. She nodded her thanks and grimaced a little. Neither of us knew how to take a compliment.

“Shoes, Mara. Alula, sit.” My mother was back to being brusque, but I was beginning to understand it was just her manner. She didn’t use words unnecessarily. It made what she did say all the more important.

Mara took to the heels quicker than I did, but she’d always had a natural poise I envied. Even climbing a tree, she’d been graceful. I only ever felt graceful when I was flying.

My mother took her time explaining the rouges to me as well as she worked with a serious expression on her face, and I spent the time truly looking at her. She was a striking woman. The small creases around her eyes and other signs of aging only added to her beauty, in my eyes, giving her an air of wisdom. Her features were so similar to my own. I wished we’d had more time together without the wall and the secrets between us. I should have had a million memories like this one, but I had a sinking feeling this was the only one I was going to get.

“Thank you,” I whispered. Her hand paused briefly with a brush to my cheeks.

“I always wanted to do things like this with you,” she said, and gave me a small but genuine smile. When she continued on, her rigid posture was a little more relaxed, and I was glad.

When she finished, she held up a mirror, and I blinked as I tried to take in my reflection. She’d left most of my hair down but had pinned it back from my face, then she’d ran something through it that made it shine in soft, golden waves. She’d also outlined my eyes in natural hues but had painted my lips the deep red she favored—an unusual choice for a potentiate. It made me look older. My large eyes and fine features in my slightly rounded face had always made me look younger than my years, and too innocent. The red changed the focus of my features and outlined the bow of my lips. It was both a statement and a minor rebellion. My mother gave me a small, knowing smile.

“Own your power, Alula.” They were the most liberating yet poignant words anyone had ever said to me.

Impulsively, I reached out and hugged her. To my surprise, she hugged me back. It was over all too soon, neither of us used to the sentimentality.

I caught Mara trying not to gape at us. She knew our history, and had been present for much of it. There was confusion swirling in her eyes as she glanced between us, but now was not the time for explanations.

“So, where are the ceremonial dresses?” I asked, getting us back on course.

“Hanging in your room. Come.” This time, I didn’t bristle at her sharp words. I heard the strength in them.

My mouth fell open when I stepped inside, and my momentary confidence fled as I saw what I assumed were the dresses. I couldn’t help searching the room to see if I was mistaken, but no.

“Those can’t be dresses,” Mara said, as she waved her finger at the strings and sheer lace fabric hanging off the edges of the window in my room. We were lucky the breeze was blowing the other way, or the wisps of fabric may have blown straight out the window.

“Put them on before you judge them. Alula, yours is on the far side. Mara, Vessel Adrita agreed to sponsor you and lent you her dress. She will also walk with you at the final ceremony if you receive an offer and help you through your first few weeks. She couldn’t be here to help you get ready at such short notice, but she wishes you luck. I’ll introduce you after tonight’s ceremony.” The way my mother frowned at Mara’s dress gave me the impression she owed the other vessel a formidable favor for the concession. “And I bought you both new undergarments. You need a sturdy, full corset under these or you’ll be exposing more than you want.”

We both promptly stripped and grabbed our corsets. They were flesh toned, designed to blend into the dresses and be almost invisible. They also had delicate string ribbons at the back the same color as the dresses that did up around our wings. Mother did up mine while I did Mara’s. The ribbons felt reinforced somehow, as they were much sturdier than they looked. The low cups at the front pushed my breasts up high, which was a little startling. Mara wasn’t as endowed, so the cups only gave her breasts more shape, but at least we were both covered. I was grateful my mother was looking out for us.

With the dresses on, we turned and stood in front of the mirror. Having the structured corset on stopped me feeling naked, but I looked it. The bodice of the dress was sheer and embellished with sparkling gems. It was all held together with tiny straps that fitted in with the corset ribbons seamlessly. The skirt was also sheer, but full, in voluminous layers, with a hip-length split on one side. I realized with wonder that it was a well-crafted illusion of being naked, and there was power in that.

I straightened my shoulders and tipped my head up high. At my mother’s nod of approval, I felt like a new creature.

Mara mimicked me, and I grabbed her hand. Hers was trembling, but she gave no other indication of her nerves.

“One final detail,” my mother said, as she grabbed a glowing basket from the floor. “I’ll need to touch your wings, though.”

Mara and I shared a small look before we both nodded and turned. There was no point making a fuss now. My mother pulled out two strands of tiny lumis balls from the basket and threaded them through the feathers of our wings, fussing until she was happy with their placement.

I tried to spread my wings to see what would happen, but they caught on the orbs, and a pained gasp slipped out.

“Don’t, Alula.” The admonishment was softly given. “The wire threading through the orbs will hurt your wings.”

Even if we wanted to fly away tonight, we couldn’t. At least I also couldn’t be expected to spread my wings on the dais and display them to the world. I twisted, trying to see over my shoulder, but I couldn’t see much.

“Is it bad?” I asked Mara, turning so she could look for me.

“Your wings look beautiful. The white is glowing even brighter, and the orbs make the gold flare to life.” I could tell she was trying to put a positive spin on it, but she knew how I disliked having attention drawn to my wings, as much as I loved them myself.

“There’s nothing to be done about it,” my mother said. “The orb strings are traditional. I’ll leave you for a few minutes while I get dressed and touch up my hair and face,” my mother declared before leaving the room. I noticed she gulped her wine as she went.

Turning away, I gave Mara a moment as she stood and watched herself in the mirror. I knew it wasn’t vanity. She’d never worn—or perhaps even seen up close—anything so finely detailed as these dresses. The intricate embroidery was exquisite, and it shone in the light of the orbs at our backs.

I wanted to use her distraction to grab my shadow, needing it with me tonight. Under the pretense of folding our robes into a neat pile, I slipped my hand into my robe pocket. The shadow twined around my fingers, and I transferred it to a deep fold in my skirt. I would have liked to take the feather and knife too, but there were no pockets in this dress and the skirt was too see-through. If I tried to shove them into my tight corset, I was likely to stab myself, and nobody wanted to see a bleeding potentiate.

When I turned back, Mara was frowning at herself. “Everything is going to change after tonight, isn’t it?”

I wasn’t sure if she was talking about our daily life or about us. How much was she picking up on? She’d always been astute.

“It already has,” I said. There was no point denying it. We’d well and truly left the life of an acolyte behind.

Her sigh came from a place down deep. “I know. I’ve been mentally putting this moment off, but there’s no escaping it now.”

I felt that down in my bones.

“We can do this,” I said to her, trying to force some enthusiasm into my tone. I was glad she was here, at the end of our path together, even if we’d missed a lot in the middle.

“Of course we can,” she answered, borrowing my fake courage. “And we’ll do it together.”

“Good, because we have to go.” My mother was true to her word and was back within minutes, looking as stunning as always, in a gown with a plunging neckline that was a deep red to match my lips. She had her routine down to a fine art. A tiny bottle was in her hands, and she sprayed us both with something that smelled faintly like vanilla, then handed us two heavy cloaks.

“Here. These go over your wings. Leave them on until the last moment before you step forward, then drop them to the floor. Someone will pick them up later.”

At least we wouldn’t have to walk through the citadel dressed like this.

My mother was all business as she hustled us out of the suite. Once we were on the move, I had to focus on keeping my feet steady on the uneven stonework underfoot. Maybe topping up my wine glass hadn’t been such a good idea.

As we wound down through the empty corridors, our clicking heels sounded like the ticking of a countdown. Every beat added to the dread growing in my gut, and the rising noise of the crowd as we neared the Aedis had my courage wavering. Mara squeezed the hand I was still holding like a lifeline.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” she asked quietly, as my mother greeted another vessel heading the same way. Mara had definitely picked up on something tonight.

“I can’t right now,” I whispered back, eyeing my mother as her warning about Mara betraying me ran through my head. Yet despite my mother’s concerns and Mara’s recent distance, I couldn’t believe it of her. I also didn’t want to lie to her—not in this moment, when I’d just gotten her back, and with what we were both facing. It would tarnish everything we had just shared.

Not telling her all I had learned felt almost as bad as lying to her. I desperately hoped she would get an offer, but also dreaded her getting one. Either way, she seemed committed to seeing this through, and I doubted anything I said would change that. She was as tied to her fate in this moment as I was.

A vague evasion was the best I could do in the moment, and she graciously let it go, for now.

We hovered at the arched entrance, the cool of the thick stone surrounding us adding to the nervous chill sweeping over me. No sunlight ever reached these inner corridors.

The lumis orbs surrounding us dimmed, and I felt a warm presence at my back—the barest brush of a hand stroked mine—then the orbs flared to life again, and the sensation was gone. My mother eyed them suspiciously but turned away with an empty smile as Elder Welkin approached.

My heart raced. Was Nier here? Or just his shadow? If he was, he was taking an incredible risk, yet merely thinking of him at my back settled my nerves. If I could get through tonight, we would figure out the rest tomorrow.

With the help of my mother, my brother, and hopefully Nier, I would find a way out. I had to, because my eyes were finally open, and I was ready to take back my future.

As soon as I figured out exactly how to do that…