Page 45

CHAPTER 45

Billie

T he next available flight was to Mexico. I can work remotely, but Rya forced me to take some leave. I actually thought she’d be wildly pissed, considering she warned me not to let outside factors impact my work. But it turns out that when you’re kidnapped and almost killed, exceptions are made.

The thought of going to Mexico would normally excite me. I automatically think of sitting on the beach, drinking margaritas, and having tacos every day. But this time it’s not fun. I’m spiraling. I hate myself for leaving his side, but my heart hurts so much at the reality that Ford will forever be in danger. And I don’t know if I can handle him being hurt again.

I didn’t leave Manhattan until I knew he was stable. The moment they took the tubes out, and there were signs of him waking, I fled. I wanted him to be surrounded by his family. Not me, who put him in that hospital in the first place.

Eli filled me in with the details of who the woman was and the connection, but it was irrelevant to me. I felt ashamed and guilty. So helpless in that moment as he almost died in my arms.

I’m a coward, I know. Especially when he messages or calls me. It’s such a relief to see his name pop up on my screen, but I’ve ignored him every time, always fighting my urge to lunge at the phone to answer just so I can hear his voice.

My parents know where I am, and I messaged them the minute I landed safely. My mother told me to call her if I need her and she’ll be on the first flight out. Maybe I should tell her everything that’s going on. Maybe she’s the voice of reason I need. But I’d like to work this out by myself. Everyone’s aware of my relationship with Ford now. Our addictive lies are exposed for the entire world to see and judge. And I don’t care anymore. I’m just so exhausted.

On the third day, Ford calls again. I stare at the phone. When I don’t answer it, my phone starts dinging, indicating text messages coming through, all with his name.

I’m lying in my hotel bed, curled under the blankets. I haven’t left the room since I arrived, only ordering room service.

I don’t usually spend my parents’ money, but in a situation like this, I was more than happy to use a small amount just so I can hide away from our world for a while. I’d always been on the fence as to how much I wanted to embrace the life my family lived, but this feels entirely different. Ford is deeply immersed in this world. His risks run even higher than my father’s and brother’s involvement because he is actively sent out to risk his life almost on the daily.

An hour later, my mother calls to check in on me, and I answer as I promised.

“Hey, sweetie,” she says in that soft tone that immediately makes me want to cry.

Just as I go to reply, I hear a commotion in the background and then Ford’s voice floods my ear.

“Are you hiding from me, Chaos?”

To say I’m shocked is an understatement. Not once did I think he would be around my parents when I’m not there.

I curl into myself, contemplating whether I should hang up, but I want to hear his voice. It’s been the only sense of relief I’ve felt since being here.

“Why are you on my mother’s phone?” I ask quietly.

“She kindly informed me that she would not tell me where you were, and the only way I was going to find out was if you told me yourself.”

Silence stretches, and I pick at my pink toenail polish.

“You’re okay?” I finally ask.

“No, I’m not, because my woman’s decided to go on a little holiday without me. And to say I’m the jealous type is an understatement,” he growls.

I can’t speak. Apparently, my parents already had suspicions about our relationship. It explains why she reacted badly toward Matthew at the party. We were clumsier at keeping this secret than I realized. Or maybe I was in denial about the bond that kept pulling us back together.

“Come on, baby, tell me where you are,” he pleads. I know it’s only a matter of time until he finds me. And the reality is I can only stay away for so long. I was just hoping by the time he found me or I had to head home, that my thoughts would be clearer. Because right now, I can’t make sense of anything I want. My heart and head are at war. I want to be with him, but I want to protect myself in the process, and I can’t seem to find middle ground.

Yet here he is, on the phone, seeking me out yet again.

We really can’t stay away from one another.

Even when I try.

“Mexico,” I reply quietly, and my heart picks up, my mind screaming at me that if I reopen this, there’s no going back. That if I let him in again, I’m a goner, and I don’t know if I can handle the risk and pain. I never knew I was such a coward.

“Where in Mexico?”

“Please hand the phone back to my mother.”

“Not until you tell me,” he grits.

“I think you already know.” My voice is hardly audible. The phone is shuffled around, and I’m not sure what’s happening until my mother’s voice comes back on the other end.

“He just left,” she tells me.

I’m still picking at the nail polish as if unable to lift my head. I don’t know why I feel like this. And I don’t know how to get out of this funk. I don’t know how I’ll react when I see him. When I confront him and what happened in that bunker. I don’t know how I’ll confront the memory of the moment I thought he was dying right in front of my eyes. It haunts me.

“Does Dad know?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“And what do you think?” I ask, anxious to hear her answer.

“It’s not what about I think, sweetie. This decision, you have to make on your own. But for what it’s worth your father and I like Ford. And any man who is willing to die for our daughter is accepted into our family, even if he wasn’t already before. But you have to put that man out of his misery. He was pacing my carpet.”

“It’s scary,” I admit, my hand going to my heart. I feel so deeply for him. Care far more than I ever thought possible. And the way he dictates my mood, for better or worse, can’t be a good thing. Right?

“Love is a scary thing. It’s not guaranteed unless you speak to one another honestly. But, sweetie, imagine your life both with and without Ford. That will be your answer. If you can let him go, then you never loved him enough. And that’s okay, too. But if you’re willing to risk the hurt and the fall, then sometimes that’s when the most beautiful thing can arise. Trust in what your heart is already telling you.”

“Thanks, Mom. I need to think.”

“Or maybe you simply need to be . Go for a walk or something.”

I laugh as I wipe away tears. “That sounds good too. Bye, Mom.” I hang up the phone.

For the first time since being at the hotel, I put on my bikini and walk to the beach. I sit in the sand, watching the crashing waves, wondering what my life would be like without him in it. I could move away; I’ve done it before. But if I came back to visit family and I saw him with another woman… The thought makes me want to be sick. But worse is the thought of not laughing with him, of not pushing each other’s buttons, and not embracing the wild, chaotic love we have.

I decide to return to the hotel for a nap. It feels like the sun has sapped the last of my energy. Five hours later, I’m woken by someone knocking on my door. I sit up in my bed and look to it, my heart racing.

I didn’t expect for him to get here until tomorrow at the earliest. Then again, knowing Ford, he most likely hopped on his family’s private jet the moment he figured out my location.

I’m still terrified at the idea of facing reality with him. I’m also ashamed for running away. But despite that, part of me is so grateful he gave chase one more time.

They say even if you run from love, it will find you. And I ran. And my guess is that it’s him on the other side of that door. Could I possibly make him run by telling him how terrified I am by loving him so deeply? Would that be the last and final straw for him? I doubt it.

I don’t know if he’s ever been in love. I have a feeling the answer is no. I’ve never been in love before, either, so it took me a while to work out what these feelings were. And I had to do that all by myself because we were a secret for so long.

The knocking grows more insistent, and I finally muster the strength to get out of bed and make my way to the door. Pulling it open, I see him there, one hand on the doorjamb and the other raised as if he’s ready to start knocking again. His hand drops, and he stands tall. His dark eyes soak me in from head to toe. I’m waiting for him to speak because I don’t know what to say. He reaches out and pulls me into a hug. I’m so startled that tears start streaming down my face.

Whenever he touches me, I lose myself in him. But I’m so scared. This goes beyond just sex and addiction.

“Hello, Chaos.” He takes a step into the room and shuts the door behind him, all while keeping me in his embrace, even though I try my hardest to push him away. He grunts, and I realize he’s obviously not at full health. He has a slight limp, and guilt floods me all over again.

Once he lets me go, I put distance between us because the power he has over me when he’s close is terrifying.

He prowls toward me until my legs hit the bed, and I’m forced to sit. He looms over me like a demon, his dark gaze penetrating.

“Why are you here?” I squeak. I know why he’s here. Deep down, I know why he flew all this way to recapture me. But I’m so fucking scared of taking that final plunge. I mean, at least I hope that’s why he’s here.

“For you,” he says, dropping to his knees and laying his head in my lap.

I’m stunned, unsure of how to touch him as he hugs me. Slowly, my fingers feather through his hair, and I’m reminded all over again of being in the back seat of the car, focusing on his every breath like it was my own because the moment it would’ve stopped… I couldn’t handle the thought.

“I thought you were going to die,” I say quietly.

I heard after the fact about the twins microdosing poison over the years, but it didn’t guarantee anything that day. In fact, that she let me go was a miracle. But not once did I care about that. If he was gone, so was I. Having that type of leverage over me is a terrifying thing.

“I didn’t,” he replies.

“Ford, I held you while you were dying, and I thought—” Tears stream over my cheeks. “It scared me. Your job puts you in danger every day. You could leave me any day.”

He looks up then, a small smile curving his lips, as he reaches for me. “Yep” is his only response, and it makes me so mad. His smile grows wider. “I missed the fire in your eyes.”

“This is serious,” I reprimand.

“I’ll win you back.”

“Win me back?” I ask, confused. “Am I a toy?”

“No, you’re the woman I’ve fallen for, and I can’t make it stop.”

His admission shocks me. I’ve never heard him be so truthful about his feelings for me before, and I can’t say I don’t enjoy hearing them because I really do. Butterflies take off in my stomach.

“Does that scare you?” I ask. Is he as terrified about this as I am, or am I the only one feeling all of this?

“You have no fucking idea how much,” he mutters, pulling me into his chest so his arms can wrap around my body.

“I love you, Ford, and it scares me so much.” I squeak.

And before I can stop myself, I’m crying.

“I know. That’s why I came here myself to hand deliver the message,” he says, leaning back so he can see my face. “I love you, Billie Taylor. More than an addiction. More than my job. More than my brother.”

I gasp because I know how close the two of them are. They would die for one another, and I don’t feel like I deserve that intensity. I want it, but that type of devotion is terrifying, and I know when I accept it, there’s no going back.

“I love you so fucking much I was willing to let my world crumble around me if you would even consider giving me a chance. I’m sick of thinking I’m not good enough for you. You are what I want, and you are what I will have. So, to answer your question once again as to why I’m here, I’m here for you, Chaos. And for me.”

That last bit is what sends me over the edge.

“Promise me you won’t die on me,” I beg.

A slow smile stretches his lips. “Only by your hands, Chaos. I’m sure I’ll piss you off enough one day.”

“Shut up,” I choke out as I thread my fingers through his hair.

“But I can’t promise you that. There’s no guarantee for either of us. But I know for me, a life without you is not worth living.”

I laugh at the stupidity of how perfect all of his words are when, for months, we could hardly see eye to eye or express ourselves. He looks at me, confused, because the moment it bubbles to the surface, I feel like I’m free like it’s the normal us again. I realize then that maybe relationships are about the good outweighing the bad. That it’s not always meant to be easy, but if the love is strong enough, then any obstacle can be overcome. “And you said you weren’t a romantic.”

He grumbles as he places his head back in my lap. “Just don’t be expecting any normal dates from me, okay? Because there’s no way I’ll be able to go even a few minutes sitting across from you without wanting to rip your clothes off.”

Heat swarms to my core. “I don’t think I was signing up for normal when I dragged you into the back of your car and let you eat me out with a lollipop.”

He grins. “Just make sure that no matter how mad you are with me, you’ll still carry around sweets in your bag.”

I fold my body over his, pressing my lips to his forehead. “Always. But I have one request for you and one date.”

He growls. “You already sound so demanding.”

I chuckle as I pepper him with kisses. I realize now how tired he still looks, how sickly pale he is compared to usual. Yet he flew all this way for me. “I love you, Ford Ivanov. And I want you to be my date for a wedding.”