Page 30

CHAPTER 30

Billie

“ S o, how did the date with Matthew go?” Posie asks. I just finished work and thought I’d drop by their house for a few hours. It’s only four weeks until the wedding, and Posie seems as cool as they come; however, my brother appears high-strung, even when she tells him everything is going to be perfect.

“It went well. He said he’ll be in town next weekend and wants another date, but I can’t because we have Aunty Rya’s birthday.”

“Invite him,” she’s quick to say as we lounge in the living room. Bentley is playing in his bedroom with a new Lego set Dutton bought him. That kid is so spoiled now—in the best kind of way. He’s such a sweet kid and is still grateful for everything he’s given.

“Umm, no. I think I’ll be fine.” I wave her off.

“Do it. It’d be fun.”

I’m not sure how to tell her I’m not really comfortable bringing men around the family. Yes, Matthew met some of them at the last party, but he wasn’t there as my date. Bringing him to a family event would be a little bit weird and would involve a lot of explaining that I don’t really want to deal with.

My job has been a little stressful, and while I enjoy learning, I’m also exhausted almost every single day when I finish. I’d intended to leave work at five o’clock every evening, but I haven’t been getting out until closer to seven. So I’m basically working twelve-hour days, and the last thing I want to do is deal with questions from the family about the first man I’ve ever brought to meet them.

“It doesn’t mean you’re walking down the aisle with the guy. Are you sure you’re not using Rya’s birthday as an excuse not to see him?”

I look at her then, really hating her insight. I mean, Matthews is nice, but I’m still not sure about trying to start a relationship with him. And then there’s Ford. If anything, I think I should step away from guys for a bit. I feel like it’s a good example of the idiom “Be careful what you wish for.” All I wanted was a normal dating life, and now I’m torn between two men: one who offers that normalcy and one who lives in the shadows and kills people for a living. And, of course, the latter is the one my heart yearns and sings for. It’s ridiculous since I don’t even know Matthew that well. And I have to decide whether I’m truly able to let Ford go, even though I know moving on from him is the right thing for me.

“Does this have something to do with Ford?” she whispers.

My head snaps in her direction.

“No.” My voice rises a fraction, and her expression softens.

“Have you two continued seeing each other?”

Posie and I never spoke about what she saw that night at my parents’ house. I still can’t help being on high alert in my brother’s home, even when he’s not here.

“No, we stopped,” I confess.

She nods, and I can tell she’s torn as to whether she should ask more about it but yet she doesn’t want to know the incriminating details. Besides, there’s nothing more to tell.

“I’ll think about asking Matthew to come to the party with me,” I tell her with a smile as I stand to leave. “Maybe I need to throw him to the wolves and hope for the best.”

The front door opens, and Dutton enters with Eli, Ford, and Hawke closely behind him. I freeze as if I’ve been caught doing something wrong.

Dutton walks over to us, giving me a hug and kiss on the cheek before moving on to Posie, kissing her on the lips. “You heading off?” he asks me, and I try my hardest not to make eye contact with the others. I haven’t seen or heard from Ford since the night I went out with Matthew, and I just can’t face him.

“Yep. Starting a new project tomorrow at work, so don’t want to be out too late.”

“Billie is thinking about bringing a date to your mother’s birthday,” Posie says to Eli.

“Date?” Dutton snaps to attention. “Over my dead body. Who is this fucker, so we can dismantle him?”

“Calm down. Seriously,” Posie warns him. “You already know him. It’s Matthew. Their date went well the other night.”

Dutton’s jaw clenches as he asks, “Did he touch you?”

“Oh my God.” I roll my eyes. “You’ll be crazed to know there was hand holding.”

“Don’t tease the man too much. He looks like he’s going to blow an artery,” Eli says, far too amused by the situation.

I sigh. “I haven’t asked him yet, but I might.”

“And we’re okay with that, aren’t we, Dutton?” Posie asks, staring pointedly at her fiancé.

His jaw tics, and he looks like he’s choking on his own words as he grits out, “Yes.”

I hold in my laughter because I know he’s trying his hardest. My brother is anything but normal, but it’s nice to see the subtle changes in him due to Posie’s influence.

“Do you need a lift home?” Eli asks.

“Nah, I was just going to catch the subway,” I tell him.

“Over my dead body,” Dutton growls. “You don’t take your safety seriously enough.”

“I’ll take you,” Ford cuts in. It’s the first time I glance in the direction of the twins. Hawke raises an eyebrow, then just walks to the kitchen, most likely to steal food.

“It’s fine,” I tell him.

“You’re going with him,” Dutton demands.

“Anyone thought to ask me since I’m his boss?” Eli interrupts, but he nods his permission to Ford anyway.

Posie is biting her bottom lip, most likely because she thinks there’s more going on with Ford and me than what I expressed. I try to harden my resolve, reminding myself that Ford and I were just too warm bodies looking to fill each other’s beds. The conversation with him the other night doesn’t change anything. The bracelet doesn’t change anything. I can’t let whatever this thing between us was devour my every thought and interfere with my life. It’s pathetic.

“Let’s go,” Ford commands, then walks straight back out the door.

I throw my hands in the air as I turn on Dutton. “You’ll let me go on a date but not catch the subway?”

“One step at a time,” he growls in warning.

I shake my head. These guys are so unreasonable. I’d make for the subway if I didn’t know one of these oafs would literally come after me and throw me over their shoulder.

“Whatever,” I grumble as I grab my handbag.

Ford’s already waiting outside, holding the passenger door open. I’m sure if my brother had so much as the tiniest suspicion that there was something going on between me and Ford, he wouldn’t so easily trust him. Wouldn’t so quickly demand for him to take me home. And part of me really wishes Dutton hadn’t done it.

I silently slide onto the passenger seat and set my bag on my lap like it’s a weighted restraint that will keep me from doing something I’ll regret, like crawling into Ford’s lap.

It’s fucking torture being in his car. It smells like him. Feels like him. And I’ve fucked him so often in this car that my inner thighs begin to tingle with anticipation like I’ve been conditioned to the response.

My nostrils flare as I watch him stalk around the car and get in beside me.

“Put on your seat belt,” he instructs, not looking in my direction. I sigh, ever irritated by the bossy men in my life, but do as he says.

Silence fills the car for the first five minutes of the drive. I stare out the window, hating how his presence alone can so easily grate on me. Like a gentle caress without so much as any other physical or verbal interaction. This thing between us creates a palpable tension, and the longer we ignore it and try to step away from it, the stickier it feels, wanting to drag us back together. At least it has that effect on me.

I finally turn to face him at the same time, he looks at me and says, “You’re dating him?” His knuckles whiten from his tight grip on the steering wheel.

“You already knew that,” I say cooly. I won’t change my mind. No going back. Only forward. If dating Matthew is the thing that helps me step away from Ford altogether, and has the potential to be something more, then why shouldn’t I throw myself into it?

“More than one date?” he asks, looking for confirmation.

“There will be. Are you seeing anyone?” I question casually as if we’re just two friends talking, but the intensity between us is anything but casual.

“Like real dating or hallucinations?”

I can’t help the smirk that touches my lips at his words, the tension obliterating in a heartbeat. I hate that he can fucking do that.

He smirks, too, and it saddens me how natural it feels to be with him like this. How good it used to feel between us before our hearts and demands started getting in the way.

“You know I’m not dating anyone,” he answers.

“Why? You could have anyone you want,” I say, looking out the window. As fucked up as Ford is, a lot of women won’t care to look past his physique and personality. And although a pretty face doesn’t hide the crazy underneath, deep down, Ford is a good man, even for a killer. One day, someone other than me will see that if he’d let himself be seen in that way. The thought shrivels my heart.

“I don’t want just anyone. I only want you. ”

I close my eyes, trying to push away the impact of those words. Trying to solidify the narrative in my head that we’re done. Because I’ve recently discovered that my greatest weakness is denying my urges and needs for Ford.

And I’m certain if I can get through this hurt for a man I can’t have because he’s incapable of giving his all to me, then I can get through anything.

So I rub my lips together and refuse to speak for the rest of the drive.

There is no us.

Addiction be damned.

We both need to come up for air.

I just hope that’s sometime soon.