Page 43

CHAPTER 43

Billie

I stare at Ford’s lifeless form lying in the hospital bed. It’s been chaos as doctors and nurses hook him to different machines and insert a tube down his throat. I stare, stunned by how he can look like this now when, only twelve hours ago, he was smirking and holding me.

My palms are still sweaty as the poison runs its course through my system.

Hawke and I haven’t spoken since we arrived at the hospital. He’s standing across from me in the room now, arms folded over his chest as I sit by Ford’s side. I have no right to be here. It’s my fault. I did this.

“Show me to my son!” I hear the Russian accent echo down the hall toward us before Anya bursts into the room, her gaze immediately landing on Ford. For the first time ever, Anya looks stunned. River pushes her into the room, and she quickly collects herself as she storms up to Hawke. She slaps him across the face. Hard. Hawke barely flinches but looks away, ashamed.

“Where were you? How did you let this happen!” she shouts.

“Anya.” River tries to pull her away.

I burst out of my chair, and it screeches across the floor. “It was me!”

She turns to me then as if only just noticing me. Her violent gaze narrows on me. “ You? ”

Hawke looks up at me through thick lashes, his expression unreadable. I’m almost certain he blames me as well.

Now that I have Anya’s full attention, I shrink into myself. She’s going to kill me.

“A woman kidnapped me and Ford.” My bottom lip wobbles because the reality of everything is sinking in. “He drank poison.”

“And what, you’re too good for him that you couldn’t drink it instead?” she demands.

“Anya!” River snaps, pulling her back. “We don’t understand the circumstances,” he reminds her.

I welcome her anger.

I welcome her to tear me into two.

A dark presence fills the doorway as Eli walks in. He quickly assesses the situation and gravitates toward me, his full height and mass filling the space as he pointedly stands beside me. He doesn’t say anything, and Anya isn’t at all deterred by him. But it brings a clear divide to the room.

Eli looks down at his loyal man in the bed and then focuses on Hawke. “Update?”

Hawke clears his throat as if coming back to reality for the first time. He blinks a few times, clearly paralyzed in the same way I am. I sink into my chair, doing everything to fight the tears.

I deserve this, not Ford.

“It appears Emily Fall was behind the poisonings. I dealt with her. Apparently, her lover was part of Laurence Tate’s crew, and she was one of the women we let go that night when we killed them.”

Anya blinks as if a startling understanding hits her.

“Hmm.” Eli hums as he glances back down at Ford, clearly pissed at himself for missing a vital clue before it was too late. I don’t know exactly who the people they’re referring to are or what business they had with them, but it appears everyone else in the room is fully aware of something I am not. “Do I want to ask how you got involved?”

Eli’s penetrating glare turns to me, and I look up at him, tears in my eyes as I wring my hands in my lap.

“Ah,” is all he says right before all hell breaks loose.

“I’m going to fucking kill him!” Dutton shouts as he bursts into the room. The information would’ve trickled to my brother, who would’ve been able to put pieces of the puzzle together. Eli moves in front of him as Hawke stands at the end of his brothers’ bed protectively. “You fucking touched my sister!” Dutton is a wild, savage animal on the hunt for blood.

I jump to my feet and shout, “Stop!” He doesn’t hear me. He never does.

Dutton is struggling against Eli. A few punches are exchanged before Anya pulls out a gun and points it at his head. I reach for one of Ford’s crowbars, using whatever I have to make sure my brother doesn’t actually kill the man I love.

“She would be so lucky to have someone like my son. I don’t give a shit who you are. I’ll put a bullet in your brain if you try to touch my son,” Anya seethes. I’m surprised she hasn’t already pulled the trigger.

I shove past Hawke and Eli to stand in front of my brother. He doesn’t even look like himself right now, his blue eyes dilated as he glares at me, and it’s the angriest I’ve ever seen him, almost disgusted. How did I fuck this up so badly? I realize that this is simply another thing he couldn’t control. He could no longer control me, and I think that has more to do with it than who I choose to have by my side.

Not that I have that right anymore.

“Outside,” I growl, and when he doesn’t move, I point the crowbar at him. “Or I’ll point that gun at your head instead.”

He seems stunned at my outburst, and Eli looks between us, an uncertain expression on his face. But whatever Dutton sees, he doesn’t challenge me. He shoves Eli off and storms out of the room. I turn to face the others. “I’m sorry for all the problems I’ve caused.” I put the crowbar down on my way out the door. I don’t deserve to hold onto this item.

“You didn’t cause this,” Hawke says quietly from the corner. Even if they have information I’m not yet aware of, I welcome his hate because I will never not feel responsible for this. I offer him a sad smile because I know I very much led us here. Even if something else was the catalyst for bringing a psychotic woman to prey on us, there were many things I had to apologize for. Many things I can’t unsee. Things I can’t undo.

I step into the hallway and find my brother pacing.

“How long?” he growls. “How long have you been fucking that street rat?”

Slap! The sound is loud and sharp as I smack my brother across the face. “That street rat gave his life for mine.” My hands are fisted in pure rage. “Enough of this bullshit! You do not own me. You do not control me. And you cannot hate the man I love!”

His mouth opens slightly and he frowns as if seeing me for the first time. His jaw begins to grind as I see the shift in my brother, evaluating me in an entirely different light… as if, for the first time he is taking me seriously.

“It’s not fair that you get to have your happily ever after with Posie while you still watch my every move, preventing me from living my life. I’m not a child, and I swear to God, if you try to interfere anymore, I’ll never speak to you again.”

“I don’t care about that. I want you to be safe and with someone who is worthy?—”

“Worthy?” I gasp wildly. “No one will ever measure up to your unrealistic expectations. You were the one who always complained about the expectations placed on you, but you forced your own prejudices onto me !”

His eyebrows furrow as he says, “I only ever tried to protect you.”

“Instead, you made me fearful of love. You made me want something I thought I couldn’t have. And when faced with it, I ran because it scared me. He might die because of me, Dutton. I don’t know what further proof you need of a man’s worth.”

Silence fills the hallway, and doctors avoid coming down the corridor. Most likely paid off for their discretion.

“He’s your friend. This has nothing to do with Ford and everything to do with your inability to see me as an adult who doesn’t need or want your protection. Let me make my own decisions. Let me stumble and fall. Let me make mistakes, Dutton. Just please stop because your protection feels like a noose around my neck. No more.”

I see my mother and father round the corner, and they pause at the end of the hall.

“He’s your friend, and he needs you,” I remind him. “He would give his life for yours as much as he would mine. You don’t care where he came from or how he was raised. Because right now, you only care about yourself.”

But how am I any different from my brother? Adrenaline is pumping through my veins, and I want to fight for my love for Ford as much as I don’t feel worthy of it. But deeply rooted amongst all of it is a gripping fear and realization that loving Ford might always be like this. He could die at any moment in his line of work. The deeper I fall for him, the harder it will be to survive. I don’t even know if I can manage now.

Tears well in my eyes, and my brother seems unsure as to what to do. I always blamed Ford for not wanting to give me more, but I just sheltered myself from this kind of love, not realizing how much it would hurt.

I did this.

I hurt Ford.

If this is what love is, maybe I don’t want it because fuck it hurts so much.

I’m blaming everyone else again and yet the reality is, I’m a coward.

Run. Run. Run

I’m not welcome back in that room.

I’m not welcome out here.

I can’t even face my own rollercoaster of emotions, and I know without a doubt I’m about to break down. I refuse to do that in front of anyone else. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone else anymore.

It just hurts so much.

I shove past him, his mouth opening and closing in shock.

“Billie,” my mother calls out. She tries to grab me, but I shake my head at her, the walls crashing in around me as I try not to hyperventilate.

The one place I want to be is by Ford’s side. But how can I face him? How can I love him when this hurts so much? Because love is not guaranteed. And Ford risks his life every day. I can’t do this again. I can’t be crippled by this fear of losing him.

So I do the only thing I know that’s best for both of us.

I run.

I know even that’s a lie. I’m only trying to protect myself.

But if I don’t, I’ll break under the pressure. Maybe I really am just the princess everyone has described me as.

Maybe I’m not as ready as I thought.

Love isn’t a fairytale.