Page 29 of A Wager with the Matchmaker (A Shanahan Match #3)

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Alannah’s heart ached as she listened to Torin talk about California and the possibilities that awaited him there.

She was thrilled he was alive and was getting stronger. The doctor had come by at midday, examined his wounds, and had assured Alannah that her brother had gone through the worst and the healing would get easier now. He’d even gotten out of bed a couple of times throughout the day.

Yet as happy as she was that his fever had vanished and that he was mending, the turmoil inside her was only getting worse.

“Who knows?” he said from where he was propped up against the headboard by half a dozen pillows. He’d cast off his sheet since the room was stuffy with the heat of the summer day, with only a low breeze laden with the suffocating scents of the city. “I might even give gold mining a try. Wouldn’t that be something if I found gold?”

“Oh aye, that would be something, to be sure.” She sat in the chair beside the bed, a pair of his socks in hand as she mended the holes caused by his toes and heels.

Torin paused. “Don’t sound so excited for me.”

“I am excited. For us. ”

“For me .” Torin’s tone was firm.

She lowered the sock and needle and thread and met Torin’s gaze, the bruises and cuts on his face a constant reminder of how close she’d come to losing him. “I meant what I said this morn. I’m going with you. You’re the only family I have left, and I want us to stay together.”

“Kiernan wants to be your family now too.”

“He can’t be!”

“Whyever not?”

She stood quickly, dumping her sewing supplies to the floor. “I don’t need to explain anything to you.”

Torin was watching her through narrowed eyes behind his spectacles—a new pair that Kiernan had purchased. “You don’t have to explain.” Torin’s voice was clipped. “I already know you love him, too, but you’re scared to lose him.”

She released a scoffing laugh but then bit it back as the reality of Torin’s words hit her. Was that what it was? Was she resistant to loving Kiernan because she’d lost so many people she loved and now was afraid of losing him too?

“I admit I am scared. But can you blame me? I almost just lost you.”

“But you didn’t. Here I am, thanks to Kiernan.”

“Aye, it’s a good thing Kiernan was there. God must like him better than me.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing you could say.”

“’Tis not.”

“Oh aye, it’s a bunch of—dung.”

“Then why did God take Mam and Da and Cagney—everyone I loved?” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “And He would have taken you, if not for Kiernan.”

Torin still wore a scowl. “We human beings make our own mistakes and cause our own problems through our own hate and selfishness. We cannot be blaming the problems we create on God.”

“What mistake did Cagney make to die on the ship? It wasn’t his fault.”

“We all know the British could be doing more to provide relief and employment.” Torin’s voice was as bitter as always when he talked about the British who had discriminated against the Irish Catholics for years, preventing them from owning land or even going into trades. “If our princely overseers were showing more compassion, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Maybe we wouldn’t have had to leave. Then maybe Cagney wouldn’t have died.”

“Maybe...”

Torin sighed. “Listen, I take responsibility for my mistake in getting involved in a gang when I first came to St. Louis. I brought the problems on us. I only have myself to blame. Not God.”

As usual, Torin was correct. They existed in a sin-filled world with imperfect people who made poor choices, lived selfishly, and sometimes hurt others. So maybe she hadn’t been fair to accuse God of problems human beings had created.

“The way I see it,” Torin continued, “God could turn His nose up at us for all the times we think we know best and go our own way. But He doesn’t. Instead, He’s there offering to help clean up our problems and walk with us through them.”

She knew something about going her own way. She’d done her share of that.

With a groan, she buried her face in her hands. “I know you’re right. But why do I feel as if God is always so distant, that He’s punishing me by not answering my prayers?”

Torin sat forward and patted her shoulder. “Maybe you’re expecting God to answer your prayers the way you think He should when He’s actually answering the way He knows is best.”

Was it possible she’d been viewing God wrong because of her own anger and grief? Not just with the cause of the problems but in His answers to them? What if she’d been the distant one, and He’d been there all along?

Her heart swelled with the longing to let Him walk with her through her problems instead of pushing Him away. Could she do it even now? As she tried to sort out what to do next?

Torin’s voice turned gravelly again. “I felt God near to me the past few days because of you and Kiernan. Thank you for being here.”

She lifted her head and met his gaze. This dear brother who’d made mistakes and faced hardships was perhaps growing through them, would hopefully be stronger because of them.

“But now,” Torin continued, situating himself against his pillows, “it’s time for me to move on, to start over someplace new, and hopefully not make the same mistakes again.”

She reached for his hand and squeezed it. “You won’t.”

“And you have to stop making the same mistakes too.” His tone was gentle. “Stop being afraid to love Kiernan.”

She clasped his hand harder, as if she could cling to him and never let him go. “It’s more than just being afraid to love him.” Although she was sure that was a big part of it.

“I realize you don’t think you can be what he needs in a wife. But I know you, so I do. And you are more than enough for Kiernan.”

More than enough? Was she really? A part of her knew that even though Kiernan had created the list, he could change his mind about what he wanted in a wife. Maybe their relationship had helped him grow and learn to see life a different way.

Torin smiled. “I think Bellamy saw that Kiernan needed someone exactly like you—someone who accepts and admires him for who he is inside and not for what he accomplishes.”

Oh aye, she admired him for the man he was inside more than anything else. She’d rejected him again that morning in the hallway when he told her he loved her and wanted her to marry him. And, like past rejections, he’d still given her another new book.

“He’s a good man,” she whispered.

“I agree.” Torin fell silent for several heartbeats. “That’s why you would make me very happy if you would marry him before I leave for California.”

Could she really consider the option?

“It would put my mind at ease, knowing you’re wed to a man who adores you.”

“He doesn’t adore me.”

“Oh aye, he does. Whyever do you think he went to so much trouble to save me?”

“He would have helped you regardless of me.”

Torin gave a one-shouldered shrug. “So you’ll marry him?”

“You’re sure you don’t want me to move to California with you?”

“No, lass. Your life is here, with Kiernan.” The steadiness and certainty in the depths of Torin’s eyes assured her that he’d be okay without her, as long as he knew that she was happy.

A sudden keen longing swelled inside her. She would be happy with Kiernan, of that she had no doubt. But how would she ever adjust to the life he led?

She didn’t know how she would ever fit into his world. But the truth was, she loved him too much not to try.

At a knock on the bedroom door, she shot out of her chair and fidgeted with her hair, twisting a loose strand back on one side and then smoothing the rest.

Torin chuckled. “You’re more than in love with him. You’re crazy in love.”

She scowled at Torin over her shoulder as she approached the door. “Hush now.” Straightening her shoulders, she swung the door open wide, her heart pattering hard. What would Kiernan say now?

An unfamiliar man stood in the hallway, middle-aged and rotund, with a mustache and one drooping eye. He tipped the brim of his cap at her, then peered past her.

She stepped into the hallway and snapped the door closed, hoping he hadn’t already caught sight of Torin.

Even if Torin wasn’t fully healed, maybe the sooner he left town the better. It would be difficult to keep his presence a secret at the house for much longer, especially if any of the other Shanahan family came to visit. Thankfully this week, except for Kiernan’s da, everyone was gone.

The fellow took a step back. “Mr. Shanahan said Torin wanted to see me.”

“Torin is dead.” Had Winston let this fellow in the house, and if so, why?

“Who is it?” Torin called. “Is it Donahue?”

The rotund man nodded vigorously and leaned toward the door. “It’s me, boss.”

“Let him in, Alannah. He’s the one who brought me here from the brickyard and knows everything.”

Alannah hesitated. She’d learned that the brothers who helped Torin with the kiln had defended him and quite possibly saved his life by tending to his stab wounds so quickly after the attack. They’d also helped Kiernan stage the burial at the cemetery.

This man deserved her gratitude.

“Donahue?” she spoke tentatively as she opened the door for him. “I thank you for all you did to save my brother.”

Torin interrupted before Donahue could answer. “He’ll be saving more than just me if we can get some things figured out.”

As Donahue slipped past her and into the room, she shot Torin a narrowed gaze. “You’ll not be overexerting yourself.”

In the big bed, Torin still looked frail and weak, but already his energy was increasing. And his determination.

As she closed the door on the two men, she let her fingers graze the book in her pocket, unable to stop the flutter in her stomach at the prospect of letting herself dream about a life with Kiernan. Was that really possible? Could she give herself permission to consider a match with him?

She wasn’t sure. But maybe it was finally time to get serious about the matchmaker’s wager and trust his choice for her.