Page 13 of A Heart to Find (Sweetheart Island #2)

“He was just so weird. Weirder than his usual weird.”

Keira chewed on the side of her pinky nail and tried to enjoy the pedicure she and Megan had treated themselves to in preparation for the beach date scheduled for later that evening. True, the weather wasn’t warm enough for baring any skin, but they each hoped they’d be able to slip out of their shoes for a quick toes-in-the-sand moment.

“Sounds like he was nervous. Maybe whatever he wanted to say was something so intense he’s afraid of how you’ll react.”

“Like what, though? I’m pretty sure I know everything about him. I’ve known him since we were kids, for crying out loud.”

“But you don’t know the adult him. It’s been a long time since you were in each other’s lives on the regular.”

“That’s true, but he writes about his experiences. He’s an open book.”

“And you’ve read every word he’s written?”

“Well, no. I checked in a bit when he first started, but it was torture reading about him having so much wild fun while I was…”

“While you were what?”

Megan twisted her torso toward Keira as much as she could without disrupting the pedicure process.

While I was going through the motions and working hard to keep everyone else happy.

“While I was living the life of my dreams in my hometown.”

“Hmm, sounded to me like you were yearning for some travel adventures of your own for a minute there.”

Megan had only known Keira for a week. How could she read her so easily?

“Keira, it’s okay to want more, even if you’re fully satisfied with your life choices. I’m learning that myself. Not that I’ve ever been satisfied with a life choice before coming here, but I’m learning that I deserve more. And you do, too.”

“I don’t know how I got so lucky to find you. I do believe we’ll be lifelong friends.”

“No question. And Matt and Jared have hit it off pretty well, so we can do coupley things together, too.”

Keira picked a fuzzy off her pants and stared at her lap.

Megan reached a hand over and placed it on Keira’s upper arm.

“Whatever weird thing passed between you two will get worked out. You have twenty-four hours to process the experience, and then you get to talk it out. Don’t give up before you get to that point, okay?”

“But it’s not just that. I knew from the beginning this wasn’t meant to be. He can’t be my match. I’ve let my guard down, and now I feel like I’m being reminded of why it would never work between us. Just because I feel good around him when we’re being playful doesn’t mean we’re compatible for the long run. And I so desperately want what my grandparents had. I can’t waste more time on something I’m pretty sure isn’t going to work for the long haul. I don’t want to waste time on anything less than ‘til death do us part.’”

“The only advice I have for you is to watch for the signs. You’ve said yourself you believe your grandmother is making her presence known. She’ll let you know if you’re on the right path. But for now, go with the flow and see where it leads you. But stop overthinking. And here, eat this chocolate.”

Megan tossed a foil-wrapped chocolate onto Keira’s lap, and Keira wasn’t one to ever turn down a sweet from a friend. Megan then offered a piece to each of the women giving them their side-by-side pedicures.

“I accept your attempts to silence me because it would be rude not to accept your offerings.”

Keira chewed her treat and thought aloud.

“I hope the weather stays clear tonight. Stargazing night on the beach sounds too fun to miss.”

“Mmm, the perfect weather would be just cold enough to have to snuggle with our sweeties but clear enough that the event doesn’t get called off.”

And just like that, Keira wished for a blizzard.

She didn’t get her wish. In fact, the night couldn’t have been more perfect as far as winter weather in New England was concerned. Clear skies, infinite stars, not even a slight breeze.

The calm before the storm.

She knew it well. How the world grew peaceful and sedate before unleashing its fury on those who didn’t prepare.

A chill ran down her back at the thought.

She didn’t know what she hoped for anymore. For things to work with Jared or not. To enjoy her time with him or not. To lose herself to the love she knew had never gone away. Or not.

Or not.

Or most certainly not.

His deep, nostalgically soothing voice cut through her thoughts.

“Good thing we didn’t go out to dinner after all. Looks like they have a feast set up.”

She had told him she had a headache and needed rest before the beach event, so they hadn’t gone to dinner as they had previously planned. His offer to drop off something to eat had filled her with guilt, so even though her stomach rumbled all evening, she pretended she wasn’t hungry. She hated to tell even white lies, but she needed a break from everything for a short while.

Drooling as they walked past the tables set up with various cheeses, crackers, and fruit, she almost kissed him when he suggested stopping to fill a plate before finding their spot around the fire.

Not that she actually wanted to kiss him. Not at all.

Liar.

Ugh. Food. She needed food. A distraction. And maybe a drink.

As if reading her mind, Jared poured her a glass of wine.

“I think we might need a lot of this to get through this particular group event.”

She smiled over the top of her glass, but fought the irritation that stewed inside her.

She loved the idea of a winter beach date with all the other couples.

So what if they all looked in love and happy and relieved to have found their matches, while she struggled to accept what was happening in her own life.

A small band played on a pavilion nearby, sending soft notes of classical music over the beach. Keira swayed gently to the music as she sipped her wine, her nerves firing up every time Jared placed his hand on her lower back to guide her through the crowd of people.

Megan and Matt made their way over to Keira and Jared, waving over people’s heads to catch their attention. Keira had never been more excited to see anyone. Their companionship broke up some of the tension that had settled uncomfortably between her and Jared since the episode at the meditation.

“They’re doing foot massages on the other side of the bonfire. Let’s get over there before all these people realize!”

Jared grimaced, but Keira followed Megan as she led the way.

They grabbed the last four seats. Matt offered to pull one pair of chairs over to the other set so they could sit together. Jared went along to help, but he sent a look to Keira that had her wondering what he was thinking. He didn’t seem his easygoing self, and he didn’t seem nearly as happy as he had for most of the time since they’d reunited.

Something was bothering him. She was afraid to know what.

Once they settled into their seats, Keira and Megan eagerly slipped out of their shoes, wiggling their toes to show off their fresh polish. Jared had to be coaxed by one of the masseuses, and Matt shrugged and then kicked his sneaker so far it almost landed in the fire. Megan laughed uproariously, and Keira finished her second drink in one long sip.

Another couple sat on Jared’s other side, and they were extremely talkative. Keira leaned forward a little to try to be polite and engage in conversation, but they talked right over her. She gave up after a few minutes of straining her neck to lean in that direction. Jared nodded politely, but every time he tried to say anything to Keira, the other couple dragged him back into their conversation. How he could keep up with anything they were saying was beyond Keira, but he seemed to be doing okay, even as their foot massages ended and the crowds around the fire increased.

The bonfire died down, and no one added to it to keep it going.

Keira shivered a little at the loss of the blazing heat.

“Here, take this.”

Jared hurried out of his jacket and, against her protests, tucked it over her shoulders.

“You’ll freeze!”

He grinned.

“I promise I won’t.”

Megan leaned over to inform them that she had heard they were putting the bonfire out so they’d have unrestricted views of the stars.

Keira couldn’t argue with that advantage. And when water was poured over the last of the flames, the sizzling of the hot coals combined with the soft, atmospheric music gave her a different kind of chill.

After saying a quick goodbye to her friends, who planned to slip away to a quieter part of the beach to enjoy the stars, Keira leaned back in her chair and allowed all thoughts to drift off into the night sky. She imagined the stars to be her loving grandparents winking in greeting. Smiling to herself, she closed her eyes to see their faces.

But the only face she saw was that of the man sitting quietly in the seat next to her, his pinky finger sending sparks as it edged closer to hers on the arm of the side-by-side Adirondack chairs.

She couldn’t pull away, even as his pinky finger rested on top of hers.

“This is nice,”

he whispered in her ear.

Chills again. Raging chills.

She swallowed hard and nodded emphatically. Too emphatically if his knowing grin was any indication.

Her only saving grace was knowing the moonlight was hopefully not bright enough for him to see the panicked look on her face.

His scent mingled with the ocean air as he leaned closer to her. Every hair on her body stood up in high alert.

Caution! Caution!

But she drifted closer to him anyway.

She was no longer in control of herself. She was under a spell, and she didn’t know how to turn it around.

An announcement from someone using the band’s microphone cut into the quiet of the night.

“I hope you’re all enjoying this special evening of matchmaking on the beach. We sure got lucky with the perfect weather tonight! We’ll be setting up small fires all along the shore, and we urge you to find a circle to join. We’ll be forming ‘talking circles,’ in which we’ll each share something we’ve learned about ourselves thus far in the process of our matchmaking week. We look forward to hearing your thoughts!”

Jared placed his entire hand over hers and squeezed gently.

“Let’s get out of here before the sharing circle melts our brains. We can find something a little more… engaging.”

She jerked her hand away and scratched her neck.

“The talking circle is part of the process. Part of the reason we came here in the first place.”

“We don’t need to sit around and tell strangers what we’ve learned about ourselves to grow our relationship.”

Glaring at him, she suddenly wished for bright light so he could see the disdain in her expression.

“Why let a beautiful night like this go to waste on something so corny?”

“Corny?”

she echoed, her voice squeaking.

“Sharing feelings isn’t corny. Learning more about ourselves so we don’t duplicate mistakes made in past relationships isn’t corny.”

She bolted out of her chair and struggled to force her cold feet back into her shoes without falling over into the sand. He leapt to his feet as well and reached a hand out in an attempt to steady her. She jerked away from his touch as if she’d get burned if he got too close.

“I should have known better.”

She thrust his jacket into his hands with a frustrated huff.

“Whoa, Keira. What just happened?”

“What happened?”

She wasn’t typically one to snarl, but the urge to lash out was too strong.

“What happened is that I let myself believe that we could maybe do this, this thing.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. If it means that much to you, I’ll?—”

“That’s the thing, though, Jared. I don’t want you to do it because it means so much to me. I want you to do it because you know that everything they’ve set up is part of a process. But who am I kidding? Of course you couldn’t commit to something like this.”

“Keira, wait. We can stay here. I shouldn’t have suggested leaving, you’re right. That was a poor decision.”

Apologies weren’t something he had ever been great at, and she knew she should accept. But a fire burned inside her, and she didn’t know who she was more angry with—him or herself.

Or the ghosts of the past.

All she knew was she couldn’t back down, no matter how much she wanted to. Her temper had ignited, and no amount of deep breathing could tame that particular dragon.

She hated feeling so out of control.

When she reached the end of the sand and stepped onto the walkway, she increased her pace. He remained right behind her.

“Keira, this is ridiculous. Can we please talk? For a minute?”

She flung around and crossed her arms in front of her body.

“Thank you. I don’t understand why you’re this angry with me about wanting to spend quiet time alone with you. I thought we could?—”

“You know what, Jared? It’s all good. Let’s stop pretending, okay? You can’t commit to the process for two weeks—never mind a lifetime. I was the dumb one to think anything would be different this time. That’s the whole reason things didn’t work out for us when we were teenagers, remember? You’ll never grow up.”

“Actually, I remember it a little differently.”

His nostrils flared and his eyes narrowed.

“It’s not like things were perfect between us, Keira. You were always putting everyone ahead of me. Your family, your friends. Half the time I was pretty sure you didn’t know I existed except in the context of the life you constructed for us in your fantasy world. You just forgot to include me in the planning. And you were too blind to see that I didn’t fit.”

The anger in his voice toned down by the end of his rant, and sadness that bordered on desperation cloyed through his vocal cords. The anger-generated heat in her body vanished, leaving her cold and weak. Her knees trembled, and she wanted nothing more than to turn back the clock and keep her irritation to herself. She shouldn’t have allowed herself to get so angry.

She had no idea she had hurt him so much.

The urge to reach out and touch him, to console him, was strong. Her fingers itched to touch his face. To make him smile. Words of apology tried to squeeze themselves out past the pride blocking her throat.

Pride won.

It had to.

They were not a match. Never were, never would be. She couldn’t let her empathy override her sense. Not now. It would be better if she walked away and bided her time until the end of this horrific experiment so she could get her new match and another try at happiness.

She went through the motions. She managed to walk away. She kept her tears at bay and walked with her back straight. She smiled at each person she passed by.

But the pain in her chest threatened to knock her over.

How could she quit him? Knowing the wonderful, exciting man he had grown to be? Having experienced the joy of being playful with him. The honor of hearing him trust her with his feelings about his mother. The joy of having someone really get her when she confided in him about her tragic family life.

Remembering the feeling of being held in his arms. Knowing she’d never banish the clean scent of his neck from her sensory memory. Realizing that all the things she had secretly been wishing could bloom and develop would die on the garden floor…

Grateful for a mostly empty lobby when she finally reached the lodge, she rushed to her room where she could allow all the pent-up emotions to stream free.

Tomorrow would be a new day. She’d go along with her original plan of following the matchmaking guidelines. She’d be nicer to Jared, but as a friendly person, not a potential match.

And she wouldn’t let her guard down again.