Page 12 of A Heart to Find (Sweetheart Island #2)

Jared nearly fell asleep in the shower, but he hoped the triple espresso he grabbed on the way to meeting up with Keira (after retrieving his fixed phone) would get him through the first part of the day, anyway.

Keira didn’t look much better. Gorgeous as always, but her eyes bore shadows beneath them, and her face held evidence of crying-induced splotches, though they were mostly faded away.

He never thought he’d say it or think it, but maybe a meditation day was actually a good idea for them today. Calm, relaxing, connecting.

Neither of them spoke a lot on the walk to the spa where the meditation was being held.

The instructor directed them to sit in two chairs that faced each other. Keira hesitated before settling into position. Jared wondered if all the other couples in the room felt as out of place as he did.

“Have you ever meditated before?”

Keira whispered.

He shook his head. He didn’t generally like to stay still long enough.

“Me neither. But I’ve always wondered if it would help.”

He was about to ask what she hoped it would help with, but the instructor hit a gong and the resonant sound had the whole class quieting down immediately.

The instructor lectured them on the importance of connectivity with your partner, and something about how listening to one’s own breathing could help bring about world peace. Or something like that. He couldn’t focus.

But Keira seemed to be taking the process seriously, given the way she closed her eyes and placed her feet flat on the floor with her palms on her lap. He tried to follow the instructions, but he kept peeking to see if Keira was, in fact, loosening each part of her body and inhaling deeply as they were told to. He expected her to burst into a fit of giggles at any moment, and he didn’t want to miss a moment of it.

“Now that you’re fully present in the moment and fully aware of every inch of your body, pay attention to what you sense. What sensation in your body is most pleasant? What does your chest feel like when you take in a breath? What do your nostrils feel like when you exhale? Pay full attention to what you feel.”

Jared felt like he wanted to grab Keira’s hand and bust out of the place, but if he had to participate in the process, he would admit that he felt his heart thudding at the thought of grabbing Keira’s hand and busting out of the place.

But he hoped he didn’t get called on to answer, because he was fairly certain the instructor wouldn’t appreciate his frankness.

“Let’s all reach to the sky and inhale.”

He hesitated, but as soon as Keira’s arms went up, he followed suit. Where was her fit of giggles?

“Good. Now exhale, paying close attention to what your breath sounds like as it exits your body.”

How much more of this would he have to sit through?

“In a relationship, it’s important to remember how to find your center. Before you react, think back to your breathing. Think back to the way your chest expands. The way your nostrils receive the air. The way your feet ground you to the planet. Once you’ve had time to breathe and to clear your mind, then allow your thoughts to turn to the issue at hand. Remember the feeling of awe you had when you first started falling for your partner. Rejoice in the realization that there are multiple ways to approach a situation, and that your first instinct isn’t necessarily the most appropriate one for that moment. Look at things in a new light and from a different angle, and then come back to your partner to find a solution that meets both of your needs and maintains balance and care in the relationship.”

Okay, so she made valid points. He would probably never again pay attention to his nostrils with such fervor, but he could work on seeing things in a different light. Travel had taught him a lot about that. Now he needed to apply it to growing with a partner in a new kind of relationship.

The permanent kind of relationship.

“Now that you’ve had some time to focus on your body and your mind, let’s take turns sharing your deepest concern that you bring to the relationship. We’ll start with whichever partner is seated in the blue chair. The purple chair will have an opportunity to speak next. Please share the most important issue you bring to the new relationship, and a little about why it’s so important. Purple chair partners—now is your time to listen, and then we will switch. Do not respond now. Your homework will be to carry these concerns with you for at least twenty-four hours. You will utilize meditation before emoting on the topic. You will each agree to revisit the topic tomorrow afternoon before the group scavenger hunt. Ready? Deep breaths. And go.”

Jared leaned forward in his chair, about to joke about ditching the event, but the severity and depth of emotion in Keira’s eyes made him realize she was fully invested in the activity, and he’d better be, too.

She dragged in a deep breath, her chest rising with the effort. She closed her eyes as she slowly cleared her lungs, but her leg shook with the wiggling of her right foot. When she looked at him again, her eyes were misty.

“This is hard for me to say, but please know that there are reasons for my feelings.”

He nodded. Sweat pooled at his lower back, and his stomach tightened. She sounded tortured. Pained.

He didn’t like it one bit.

She closed her eyes again and straightened her back as her palms pushed down on her thighs.

Thinking of how excited she’d be when he shared with her his most important concern—how to best help Hailey adjust to having a new parental figure in her life—encouraged him. He knew it’d be a change in all of their lives, but with Keira’s love of children and Hailey’s blinding optimism and enthusiasm for a new female role model in her life, he knew things would go beautifully. He knew he needed to tread carefully, and knowing that Keira was a child development expert certainly helped.

This was the perfect time for him to tell her about his daughter. He couldn’t wait to see her eyes light up.

When she opened her eyes, there was a fiery light in them. A new resolve.

“It’s important for you to know that I’m eager to start a family. I don’t want to wait a long time.”

Relief coursed through him. Bewildered at why he had been so nervous, a relieved smile burned his cheeks. He couldn’t wait for his turn to tell her the news that he now knew would thrill her. That could make her want this relationship as much as he did.

Hailey wasn’t a bargaining chip—nothing had changed in that regard. But he had sensed a change in Keira’s attitude toward him since her ankle incident and all the time they had spent together, and this would just cement the deal.

“I have to admit something that I’m not proud of, but it’s something I hope you can understand.”

She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms over her belly. Her legs crossed at the ankles.

“I was afraid they’d pair me with a single dad, you know, since I’m a professional in a nurturing field. And normally that would be so wonderful—it’s not that I don’t have every bit of respect for single parents—but I need children of my own. Trust me, if I hadn’t been through what I’ve been through, I’d love the thought of step-children. I’d be happy to adopt at some point, but it’s important for me to have children that can’t be taken from me.”

The last part of her sentence was almost masked by the choking sound coming from her throat. And if she said anything after, he had no idea.

The room grew silent, though seconds ago it had been rumbling with excited conversation. A spotlight bore down upon him, and the rest of the room fell away to darkness. Her face hovered in front of him. Distorted. Floating. Seeking a nonverbal response from him.

He should have paid more attention to how to do that meditation thing, because he was in serious danger of losing his grip.

“Jared? Are you okay? I shouldn’t have said all that. I hope you don’t think I’m mean, but Megan and I talked about the possibility of me being matched with a single dad, and I guess it’s just been a relief in some ways to know that didn’t happen. But you do want kids, right? I mean, I know you didn’t before, but you said you’ve changed, so I guess I’m looking for reassurance here.”

Excited rumblings returned, and he realized his mind had tried to check out of a difficult conversation.

He couldn’t tell her about Hailey now. Not when she looked so vulnerable. Not when there was something lurking beneath her words—something she hadn’t yet discussed with him. Something he wanted to break the rules about and question her on. If she could explain the reasons behind her concern, he could help her see that Hailey wouldn’t threaten her feelings. He knew she’d love his daughter, and he knew that seeing the two of them together would make every rocky road he had taken to get to this point worthwhile. And she’d never lose Hailey, because he would do whatever it took to keep Keira. Forever.

“I know you’re not supposed to respond yet, but ugh. The wait might kill me.”

His head pounded, and his eyes ached deep in the sockets.

“Jared,”

Keira whispered urgently.

“She hit the gong thing. You’re supposed to be sharing your concern with me now.”

Running a sweaty hand over the top of his head, he struggled to think of something that wouldn’t betray his inner thoughts.

“I don’t really have anything. Sorry.”

He could feel her glare even as he avoided making eye contact. He searched the room for a clock, wishing they hadn’t made them check their phones into lockers at the entrance. The fight or flight impulse warred within him, and he tended toward the flight option these days.

He had to get out before he made a mess of things. Had to regroup. Figure out how to deal with this conflict. Decide how best to proceed.

A small blip. A communication issue.

Her concern wasn’t a death sentence for their relationship.

He refused to believe that it could be.

She’d come around. Once she knew. She’d realize she was meant to be with him, and she’d love Hailey almost as much as he did.

“Are you hyperventilating? Should I call someone over? Breathe slower, Jared. What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine. Just need to get some air. So hot in here.”

He pushed out of the chair and walked as fast as he could to the door, ignoring the creaking of the floors and the stares he knew people cast his way.

Once outside in the brisk air, he paced the walkway until Keira joined him seconds later.

He had messed up.

This would bite him. He knew it.

“You forgot this. I grabbed it from the locker.”

Handing him his cell phone, she searched his face.

“Wanna tell me what happened in there?”

No. Not really.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run out like that. I was too hot and needed air. I didn’t mean to leave you behind.”

“You sure that’s all it was?”

Disbelief colored the edges of her question, but at least she didn’t outright call him a liar.

Determined to fix the mistake he made, he took one of those deep breaths everyone expounded upon and reached out to grab her hand.

“Can I make it up to you with a hot cocoa?”

She didn’t respond, but she didn’t pull away.

Just as he was about to give up hope that she’d accept his offer, she arched her eyebrows and pursed her lips.

“Extra marshmallows?”

she asked.

“Always extra marshmallows for you.”