Page 41 of A Fate of Ice and Lies (Fated #1)

“Most.” He scratched his chin. “I don’t know. I miss my parents and the people. The tavern . . . yeah, I miss the tavern too. And we have this beautiful lake that I always thought was a perfect shade of blue until I saw your eyes. Your eyes put the lake to shame.”

This man and his words. I swear he could probably make Hee-haw trip over his hooves.

I took a sip of the wine he’d brought. “Why don’t you go back? ”

Please don’t go back.

He swallowed and lowered his head. “I was banished. I can’t go back.”

My heart thudded, and I knew—I knew why he’d been banished. Knew the commander was right when he’d said our fall had been Elias’s fault.

“Why were you banished?” I asked in a low whisper.

I played with the stem of the glass, not sure I wanted to hear his answer. But I had to know.

When he tipped his head back up to look at me, his violet eyes had faded in color. “Because I broke the most important rule the Guardians had given us. I ripped through the veil and brought you this endless winter.”

He drew in a shuddering breath while I fisted my glass to my chest.

“You came here?” It came out so low I wasn’t sure he heard me. “You brought us this winter? Destroyed my world?”

His silence was the confirmation I needed. Yet I wasn’t angry or surprised. I was frustrated and sad and confused.

“When you ripped through the veil,” I said, using his words, “did you know what you would do to my world?”

His throat bobbed on another swallow while he worked his jaw back and forth. I waited, needing him to confirm or deny.

“Yes,” he forced out.

My eyes burned with the threat of tears, and I rubbed my nose. “Why?” I asked. “Why did you do it, Elias?”

People had died because of him. Millions were suffering because of him.

Today was just a game of pretend, where people laughed and ate to their heart’s content.

But that didn’t take away from the fact that snow continued to fall and build.

While I had heat and food, others went without in these conditions meant to kill them.

More of their creatures came to our town every week, destroying and sometimes killing.

“Because.” It was part sigh. His eyes dulled even dimmer and he roughed a hand through his hair.

“Because I saw you, Teddy. I felt you,” he pushed out.

“You were at the store. You were hurt and afraid and. . .” He tilted his head up to the sky while snowflakes fell on his alabaster face. “You were dying.”

When he peered back at me, somber eyes that were now the palest of violet, my heart ached for him. Every part of me wanted to crawl onto his lap and reassure him. But?—

“That didn’t happen,” I said at the same time he breathed out, “You were dying.”

“Elias,” I snapped. “I was never hurt at the store.”

When he dipped his head down, his shoulders followed.

“I didn’t know,” he repeated again and again.

“What didn’t you know?” I asked.

“I didn’t know.” He shook his head, lifting it enough to meet my eyes.

“You were in so much pain. You couldn’t move.

I felt it all. I swear I did, Teddy. You were dying.

” He rubbed a hand over his chest, like he could still feel it.

“All I wanted was to reach you, protect you.” His eyes shimmered when a single tear fell down his cheek.

“And I screwed it up. I hurt you and everyone you love. I’m sorry, Teddy.

I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.

Never you.” Another tear spilled. “I’m sorry. ”

At some point while Elias was talking, I’d set my wineglass down and now held my hands on my lap. I twisted them together as I watched this man, who’d seemed unbreakable, do just that. Break. I wanted to reach for him. Hug him. Tell him it was okay. That I was okay.

But that was a lie. None of us were okay...because of him .

I raised my chin. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but it wasn’t me. I was never hurt or scared at the store.”

“You were,” he countered. “One of the refrigerators had fallen on you. You were stuck.”

The problematic door for the refrigerator we could no longer use because it’d been destroyed beyond repair. It had been stuck, and I’d pulled on it too hard.

No. That hadn’t happened.

“You don’t remember it,” he continued. “That’s also my fault.”

“No, Elias.” I scrambled to my feet, and he followed, leaving his burger forgotten on the ground.

Memories that weren’t mine swam through my mind. It was after hours. A man needed food and medicine for his sick daughter, and I’d helped him. He’d tried to push me out of the way when the fridge fell.

No. None of it was real.

“What games are you playing?” I demanded.

Elias. He’d been there. Holding me. He’d given me a blanket. My mysterious blanket.

“No.” Scared, I started to back away from him.

The commander had been there. George too. There were two others. Brenton, maybe, but I couldn’t remember.

It’d started to snow. The man, he was dead. Killed. George.

Oh my God.

“Stop it!” I screamed with an anguished sob. “Make it stop, Elias.”

Elias held me when my knees buckled, and I cried in his arms.

I gripped his muscled arm. “What did you do?”

With his arm cocooning me, he kissed the top of my head. “What I thought I had to do,” he whispered back .

He ran his hand over my hair down my back. Over and over again. It shouldn’t have been comforting, but it was.

Yet slowly, something else was forming, solidifying, in my mind. He had caused this. If what Elias was saying was true, then he’d been the cause of our downfall.

He’d killed the man I’d been trying to help.

Left his family orphans.

Oh my God.

He was the enemy.

“That’s why you took Javier’s punishment,” I trembled, and he held me closer.

“I killed his father.” His admission was low and filled with guilt. “I thought he was trying to kill you. I didn’t know. . .” His breath broke while his hug tightened. “I’m sorry.”

“George—”

“It wasn’t his fault,” he said. “It was me.”

I shouldn’t be here. Shouldn’t be seeking or wanting comfort from this man.

“Why couldn’t I remember before?” I asked.

“My uncle took your memory.”

My blood turned cold, and I shivered. When he kissed my head this time, I stepped out of his grip. His hands remained lifeless in the air before he dropped them with his fists clenched.

“You were hysterical.” His own voice sounded as if he were on the edge of hysteria.

“I was having emotions!” I glared. “And you couldn’t cope with them, so you shut me up.”

“You asked me to make it go away,” he argued, his eyes ranging in color as his emotions washed over him.

“I was overwhelmed,” I said, voice breaking. “I needed time to think about it. Process you killing an innocent man. ”

“I didn’t know he was innocent.” His admission was quiet, his eyes tormented. “He was leaning over you, and you—you were yelling at him, pleading with him to stop. You said he was killing you, Teddy.”

“You had no right to take my memory.” I swiped at a stray tear that trickled down my cheek.

“I thought I was protecting you.”

“You were protecting yourself,” I bit out. “You didn’t want me to know the truth because then I’d see you for the monster you are.”

He flinched at my words, his face draining of color.

I regretted my words immediately but held on to them with a ferocious desire to guard my heart, letting him believe I thought he was a monster.

Oh God, I saw it all now. Remembered everything. It hurt. Everything hurt.

“I rejected you.” Tears burned behind my eyes, but I refused to let another fall in front of him. “That’s the only good that came from that night. I rejected you, Elias.”

The torment that had been in his eyes repeated now. Listless.

I hated it, the way his life seemed to slip away.

“I still reject you,” I choked out. More angry words I wasn’t sure I meant. “You can’t win me over when I know who you are.”

That was the thing. I did know who Elias was, and I knew he wasn’t the monster I was painting him out to be.

From above, Nalari roared in anger. Or maybe it was an echo of the pain Elias now felt.

“Tell your Guardian?—”

“Tell me yourself,” a feminine voice said in my head .

I stumbled and would have fallen if Elias wasn’t there to catch me. I pushed him away.

“What is this?” I yelled.

My mind seemed to shuffle as if someone was sifting through it, searching through my thoughts and memories.

“Do not try to hide from me,” the voice said again.

I whirled around to see where the voice had come from, but only Elias was there. He wore a worried expression as he watched me without approaching.

“I’m not,” I yelled into the forest.

Panicked, I gripped the sides of my head, turning slowly in another circle.

“Teddy.” Elias reached a hand toward me.

This time, I had no control over the tears that fell like a stream down my face.

Elias gripped my shoulders, and I was too tired, too scared to shake him off.

“What did you do to me?” I accused.

“It’s Nalari,” he said. “She chose to be your Guardian.”

“I don’t want her in my head. I don’t want her. Tell her, Elias. Tell her.”

Quietly, he stared up at the night sky for a few beats. Suddenly, my mind felt weightless. Like nothing was holding it down, and it could float away. When I stumbled again, Elias caught me.

Stepping away, I pointed a shaky finger at him. “You,” I hissed out. “I don’t want you in my life. Go away.”

If it was possible, his expression fell even further. “I can’t. You’re in danger.”

Of course I was in danger. This man. . . this fae had brought that danger straight to me.

Because he’d thought I was in trouble. I had been in trouble. The man, Javier’s father, hadn’t been able to lift the refrigerator. His every helpless attempt had sent searing pain through me. Elias had saved me. Logically, I knew that. But he’d also killed an innocent man. He’d damned my world.

Nothing could justify that. Except. . .

No. Nothing justified murdering not just Javier’s dad but the thousands of people around the world who died because of this winter.