Page 49

K ian

I shove my clothes into my pack with jerky, violent movements, each item thrown in like I’m trying to punish the fabric itself. My hands shake with barely contained anger, and I have to pause, gripping the edge of the bed tightly.

Used.

The word echoes in my mind like a death knell. It wasn’t like that. It never felt like that. I was so fucking naive. So completely taken in by her sweet smiles and soft touches. By the way she looked at me like I mattered. Like I was more than just a means to an end.

Xander and Thesha warned me. They told me witches were cunning, that they couldn't be trusted.

That McColl would use my attraction to her to get what she wanted.

And what did I do? I defended her. I vouched for her character.

I fell completely and utterly in love with her.

Then I fell straight into her well-made trap.

Like a fool.

The conversation I overheard between McColl and her grandmother plays on repeat in my head, each word cutting deeper than the last.

“Did you take my advice? Did you use him like I told you to? Not just for pleasure but to get your magic?”

“We spent two nights together,” McColl said.

“Did it work?”

“Yes...”

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I stood outside that door, about to knock, when I heard those damning words. I waited. Gods help me, I waited for McColl to correct what her grandmother said, to explain that it wasn’t like that between us. That what we shared meant something.

The correction never came, so I turned away and left.

Did you take my advice?

Her grandmother advised her to use me so that she could keep her magic, and McColl did it.

She made it sound like she was giving me a choice.

Like we were discussing it and agreeing.

Making a decision together out of mutual respect.

Hell’s teeth, I didn’t even sleep with her for my powers.

It was never like that for me, and I wrongly assumed she felt the same.

I grab the waterskin from the bedside table and stuff it into my pack with enough force to make the leather protest. I have enough supplies to get me back to the Nezcara Valley. Back where I belong.

At least I’ll have my powers. There is that. She gave me that much. I only wish she hadn’t pretended there was more. The way she looked at me, touched me, held me.

I fell for it all. The shy glances, the way she trembled when I touched her, the soft sounds she made when I was inside her. All of it carefully calculated to keep me invested. To make me believe that the connection between us was real.

Why?

Why lie like that?

Even now, even knowing the truth, my body still aches for her. My chest feels hollow and raw, like someone reached inside and carved out everything vital. I hate that I still want her. Hate that part of me is hoping this is all some terrible misunderstanding.

But there’s no misunderstanding the words I heard. No other way to interpret her silence. I’m not even going to give her a chance to explain, to lie to me some more. I don’t want to hear it. This thing has run its course, and now it’s time for me to leave.

To think I was going to ask her to come with me. She would have laughed in my face. At least I spared myself that agony.

I’m nearly finished packing when I hear footsteps on the stairs, quick and urgent. My jaw clenches as I recognize the sound of her approach. I wish I didn’t have to see her, to look into her eyes. It’s going to kill me.

The door bursts open, and McColl rushes in, her face flushed and her eyes wide with what looks like genuine distress. If I didn’t know better, I’d almost believe she was truly upset.

“What happened?” she gasps, looking around the room and taking in my packed bag, my coat already on.

“Why did you leave without me? I thought…I… Beatrice – my grandmother’s carer – said you looked upset.

Did my mother say something to offend you?

What’s going on?” She touches the side of my arm.

“Are you okay?” Her hazel eyes look into the very heart of me.

All I want to do is break down and beg her to explain to me what happened.

I won’t.

I must be strong.

McColl will give me sugary words to make me feel better, but it won’t be real. None of it is real.

“Nothing is wrong,” I say, my voice carefully controlled as I continue to fold the few of my remaining items. “Your mother had to go soon after we made it to the living room. Nothing happened. It’s been fun, McColl.

I enjoyed myself immensely, but it’s time for me to go.

I need to get back to my life, and you need to get back to yours.

Oil and water, right?” I smile like I mean it. Like I don’t have a care in the world.

I see her face fall, see something that looks like genuine hurt flash across her features, but then she smiles, too. It’s wide and quite beautiful.

I hate how much she makes me feel. I hate how, even now, my heart speeds up just looking at her.

“I see.” Her voice is small. “Of course.” She gives a tiny shake of her head.

“You’re absolutely right.” Her voice is back to normal.

“I just thought… Never mind. It doesn’t matter.

You have a war to plan. A realm to save and a kingdom to lead back to glory.

Oil and water,” she repeats my words. They come out stilted, like she doesn’t quite believe them.

“Absolutely. I must be on my way. I’ve dallied for too long.

I probably should have left yesterday.” I close my pack and sling it over my shoulder, then turn to face her properly.

“Thank you for your help with the alliance. I hope things go well for you here. They should, now that you have access to your magic.” The last comes out a little clipped, but I smile again to soften the delivery.

She reaches out and takes my hand, her fingers cool against my skin. “Kian, I need you to know that the time I spent with you was the best of my life. It was everything to me.”

Her eyes start to fill with tears, and I watch as they gather on her lashes.

Lies.

McColl used me to get access to greater power. Used . It’s such a hard word. It hurts so much I can’t breathe.

I can’t trust her. I can’t trust what I am seeing. I won’t!

This is destroying me, but she can never know my true feelings. I harden my heart. I have to.

“It was good. We both have our powers. The sex was amazing. The best of my life,” I push out. “If I had more time, we could go to bed one last time, but I’m afraid it isn’t to be. I need to get going.”

The words taste bad in my mouth, but I force them out anyway. I want to lash out and hurt her the way she’s hurt me. I know it’s childish, but I can’t help it.

She flinches like I’ve slapped her, her hand jerking away from mine. The tears that were threatening to fall do spill over now, tracking down her cheeks in silver lines. She quickly brushes them away.

And gods help me, even knowing it’s all an act, I can’t stand to see her cry.

Before I can stop myself, I pull her into my arms, burying my face in her hair and breathing in her scent one last time. Honey and wildflowers and magic. It’s torture and comfort and goodbye, all wrapped into one moment.

She hugs me back, making this small whimpering sound that cuts me deep.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her like a fool. “I didn’t mean it like that. This is hard, that’s all. I need to go. Take care of yourself.”

I’m such a pathetic fool. Even now, even knowing what she is, I still want her. Still love her.

The realization makes me sick. She used me.

“Goodbye, McColl,” I say roughly, pulling away before I can do something stupid like beg her to come with me. Like tell her I love her despite everything. “It’s better this way.”

Then I walk away, my steps quick and determined. I don’t look back. I can’t. If I do, I might see something in her face that would make me doubt what I heard. Doubt my own mind. I know what I heard. It can’t be denied.

The villagers I pass on the street watch me go with curious eyes. Some nod respectfully, others whisper behind their hands. I ignore them all, focused only on putting one foot in front of the other and getting as far away from this place as possible.

The path up the valley is the same one McColl and I took just days ago, but it feels different now. Empty. Each step takes me further from her and closer to a future that suddenly seems bleak and colorless, like the land itself.

I have the sun on my back and a light breeze ruffling my hair. With every step I take, my mind clears a little more. I’m able to think more rationally. Able to think things through without the crushing pain clouding my judgment.

Doubts start to creep in despite my best efforts to suppress them.

The woman I held in my arms, the one who saved my life more than once, who faced down her own people to protect me…

could she be capable of such calculated deception?

Was McColl calculating? Was she being deceitful? Selfish? Was she using me?

We technically agreed to use each other. She never lied. Never made any promises of forever. She never did anything wrong.

The McColl I know – or thought I knew – that McColl, the one I fell in love with, she wouldn’t do that. She’s too honest, too direct. When she’s angry or upset, it shows clearly on her face. She’s not cunning or manipulative or any of those things.

This feels wrong.

It feels off, somehow.

I stop walking, my heart pounding. I hurt her.

I was just like her mother. Just like the bullies in school.

I hurt a kind person. It’s not her fault I fell in love with her.

That leaving is hard on me. I hurt her. She cried.

I made her cry. I need to apologize, or it’s going to eat me up.

I’m already out of the village and halfway up the mountain pass, but…

I have to go back. McColl is someone I’ve come to respect.

I need to do the right thing and talk it through with her instead of running away like a coward.

I’m about to turn around when a lone figure emerges from behind a cluster of rocks ahead of me.

Lilith stands in the middle of the path, dressed in her full ceremonial robes, the deep purple fabric billowing around her in the mountain breeze. She’s smiling, but there’s something wrong with the expression. Something cold and predatory that makes my skin crawl.

What is she doing here?

I don’t like it one bit.

“Lilith…” I frown. “What—?”

Before I can finish my sentence, she raises both hands. Lightning erupts from her palms, brilliant white and crackling with deadly energy, racing toward me at speed.