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I know I never texted you.

It’s a big step to be texting each other, even if the messages will be routed through an anonymous number.

To be honest, it feels like I’ll be cheating on D, my boyfriend, even if there’s nothing going on between you and me. But thatlevel of intimacy…I want to have things sorted out with D before deciding if we should text.

Am I overthinking?

My mouth runs dry at her words as the room comes back into focus. For the past few seconds, like all the moments before when I read her letters, I’ve been transported elsewhere—into an intimate space where I can almost hear her say those words to me. My pulse thumps like a jackrabbit has taken residence in my veins.

I never realized how our connection has grown through these entries until she pointed it out now.

And now, I wonder how I could’ve been so blind to my evolving emotions to this friend…this confidant.

Gripping the journal tightly, I continue reading.

In all honesty, and I’ve been the most truthful to you, I scanned the code and almost signed up. But something held me back, and I knew it was D.

The other day, he came to my place to hang out, but I had a headache and took a nap. When I woke up, I overheard him talking on his phone in the living room and he said things like “Leverage,” “I’ll get an intro soon,” and “Money isn’t a concern.” I asked him about it and he only shrugged and said I must’ve been dreaming. He kissed me and sat me down to review college acceptances.

My gut clenched when I read the words. He kissed her—it’s like her observation about our intimacy has awakened something inside me. I don’t like her boyfriend based on what she has told me in the past, but this is the first time I’ve felt a visceral reaction.

Or perhaps the first time I’ve noticed. Fuck. What’s happening to me?

She’s a friend.

Someone you trust with your secret thoughts—things you tell no one else, including your family.

Shit.

He’s been sweeter these days. I wonder if the last few months of strangeness have been a fluke.

What would you do, Keeper? We’ve been dating for a while now and maybe deep down, I’m afraid if I break up with him, I’ll be alone again?

You raised a good question a few weeks ago, and I thought about it. For my victory picnic in the courtyard, I want to take the person I love to share the experience with me.

We’d have those fancy little sandwiches—smoked salmon, but no capers because that stuff is gross, fig jam and cheese, cucumber and egg salad. I thought about bringing lasagna—but that’d be too messy. I’d want the lavender scones from Estelle’s. And a batch of their honey lavender iced tea—a hug in a drink.

I’d bring my books—romance, Greek mythology (what’s your favorite Greek myth, by the way? Eros and Psyche’s love story is my fav), gothic mysteries, my scrapbook and journal (yes, I have another one at home), and just doodle my day away with the person I love.

How’s that for specific plans? Satisfied?

I hope you find genuine love, even if you don’t believe in it. Perhaps I haven’t experienced the heart-wrenching twist of loving someone. But I’ve seen it. My parents, as flighty as they are, truly love each other. But their love is volatile—a tsunami drowning everyone in the vicinity.

I want what they have, minus the wreckage. I hope to find it someday and I wish for the same for you.

And my what-if questions—you called me a dreamer, right? Thinking about what-ifs reminds me of the endless possibilities in life. I should create a list of my dreams—gobig or go home. What if your what-ifs come true? Ha, you didn’t expect that, did you?

Here’s my random what-if for the week: What if there’s no more bacon in the world? What will you eat for breakfast?

Your confidant,

Dreamer and Believer

P.S. Clue:Another name for this journal.I know, I’m lazy with this one, but ballet practice and school have been kicking my ass, so I haven’t had time to come up with something more clever.

P.P.S. In case you need a reminder, I really admire your drive. You just started a new job and are kicking ass at it, but even if you weren’t, you’ll be great eventually.

Do you know why?