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Fear. So much fear.

I need to escape. I need to find—

As abruptly as the visions began, they suddenly stop.

“Lexy? You there? Are you okay? Lexy!”

I clutch my head, the world swirling around me.Breathe in and out. Again. I can do this. These have to be memories. The meds are working. This is good.

Panting heavily, I quickly pick up the phone before Liam goes ballistic. “S-Sorry. Dropped my phone. A squirrel darted in front of me.”

“Shit! You scared me, Firefly. Fuck.”

The aftershocks rock my body, and I close my eyes. “You worry too much, Liam. I’m an adult now and I’m healthy. I got to go. I’ll see you on Thursday.”

I don’t wait for his response before ending the call.

A brisk breeze sweeps across the courtyard, dragging up crusty leaves and ruffling the evergreen foliage of the vines on the walls. I shiver, my forehead damp with perspiration. Slowly, I open my eyes and focus my attention on the intricate hummingbird stained glass window.

Why are my memories so painful?

What is my brain hiding from me?

Is it worth it?I think back to Dr. Riordan’s advice and Polaris’s words. Should I leave the past in the past? But the heavy sense of loss that suffocates me whenever I want to give up.

I growl and take another sip of tea.

I have two paths forward—to withdraw from the trial or to face my problems head on.

I want to live my life with no regrets, and something in those missing four years tethers me to the past. I don’t know if that something is horrific, and that’s why my mind is working against me, but I know, deep in my gut, I can’t move on until I figure it out.

After swiping to the email app on my phone, I check to see if Polaris has replied to my email. He’ll understand me.

Inbox zero.

I gnaw my lip and reread my response to him for the thousandth time, wondering if it scared him away.

To:[email protected]

From:[email protected]

Subject: Do you ever want to meet?

Polaris,

I don’t want this to end. And if you know me at all, you’ll know I don’t lie to myself.

There are enough unanswered questions in my life. I refuse to add one more.

So here goes.

I feel something in our emails. Maybe this makes me foolish or reckless, but I need to know—am I imagining it? Am I just a lonely woman reading too much into words that are nothing more than a kindness?

Excuse me while I throw up.

Alexis

P.S. Regardless of your answer, thank you. You don’t know how much your words mean to me. The world is a lonely place without someone who truly understands you. And I’m thankful because I have that person in you.