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The walls of my heart quivered. I held the tears within and swallowed the cries that tried to emerge from my throbbing throat. Daddy didn't want me to cry; he didn't want his letters to leave me sad and distraught, but it was so hard to read his words and not hear his voice and see his gray beard, his rosy cheeks, and his eyes filled with pride and love. It was hard to hear these words in my mind and not think of him downstairs in his office, scribbling away on his old desk. I wanted to shout "NO, NO, NONE OF THIS HAS HAPPENED!" I wanted ray shouts to wipe away all the unhappy moments and return us to the happy ones. I won't put up with it; I won't, I won't

My heart pounded with my anger and frustration, but my fragile, weak fists landed insignificantly on the top of my desk. Who would hear them? Who would care? What could I change? I dropped my head to my arms over Daddy's letter and gasped back my cries in deep breaths. Then I raised my head, folded Daddy's first letter neatly, and placed it in my diary. I knew it would grow thin and tattered at its edges from my frequent unfolding and folding after I read it again and again.

By the time Momma came by, I had regained my composure and I was busy packing the last few things I wanted taken to Farthy. Of course, we were going to leave many things here in Boston. Momma had decided some weren't good enough for Farthy; others, she would rather replace with new ones.

"You won't believe this," she said, laughter trailing her words like a tail of smoke. She waved a letter. "But my mother has decided she will attend my wedding after all, even though my horrible sisters won't.

"In fact," she continued, gazing at the letter, "if she keeps to this schedule, she will be arriving here in Boston today."

"When? What time?" A visit from Grandma Jana was always a special occasion. Her visits were infrequent because she hated to travel and she wasn't fond of the North, especially the Northeast, but when she arrived, she always made quite a stir. Momma was less than happy to have her and always breathed a sigh of relief when she left.

Momma checked her watch.

"It could be any time now. I'd better warn the servants, especially Svenson. You know how finicky she can be when it comes to eating. Oh damn. I was hoping' she and my witch-face sisters would arrive together on the day of my wedding, attend and l

eave. I just don't have the time to cater to her right now. You'll have to help me, Leigh. She likes you more than she likes me."

"Oh Momma, she doesn't," I protested.

"She does, but it doesn't matter. I don't mind. It's a wonder she likes anyone. Now please," Momma begged, "don't put on any long faces. I know she's going to be horrible about my divorce and quick remarriage as it is. If she sees you moping about . . ."

"I won't be moping about," I said, turning away quickly so she wouldn't see my eyes.

"Good. That's my girl, my darling little girl," she said. "Now, what was I going to do? Oh yes, warn the servants," she said and hurried out of my room.

Grandma Jana did arrive a little less than two hours later, complaining bitterly about planes and trains and taxicabs as she entered the house behind her baggage. I heard her shouting at the cab driver who struggled with her luggage, scraping a bag against the door as they came in. Clarence came rushing to the poor man's aid.

It was hard to believe that an elderly woman hardly five feet tall, a thin wisp of a woman, could make grown men jump and stutter so, but her voice snapped like a bullwhip when she was angry and her small, sharp eyes flashed. She had her silvery gold hair pinned back so tightly in a bun that the skin at the corners of her eyes and the top of her forehead looked strained, something which only added to her fierce and fiery demeanor. Even Momma looked terrified and stood back, her hands clasped against her breasts as Grandma Jana swung her cane threateningly at the driver, who was eager to turn over his responsibilities to Clarence. I stood on the stairway, watching.

"Those bags survived baboons- handling them at the airport. I don't intend to have them damaged coming into my daughter's home," she screeched as the driver scurried out.

"Hello Mother," Momma said. She hugged her awkwardly, Grandma Jana keeping her attention on Clarence, who now struggled to carry the bags as gingerly as he could up the stairway. Her eyes found me.

"Well don't just stand there, child. Greet your grandma," she instructed. I hurried down the remaining steps. Grandma Jana gave me a real hug and kiss that warmed me to the heart and held me back. "Goodness, look at you. You've grown nearly a foot and in other ways too, I see."

"I haven't grown that much, Grandma," I said smiling. She grunted and spun around to Momma.

"Before I settle in, I want to hear what's going on . . . every detail," she commanded. Momma's lips trembled as she forced a smile. Grandma looked about. "I don't imagine Cleave is still in his own house," she added.

"No, he's on one of his voyages."

"Humph," Grandma said. She went directly to Daddy's office and threw open the door, pointing inside with her cane. Momma gazed at me quickly, hoping I might think of something to say to help her, but I was just as shocked by Grandma Jana's abruptness.

"Don't you want a cup of tea or to wash up first, Mother?"

"Absolutely not. We'll use Cleave's office," she insisted and walked in. "JILLIAN!" she shouted.

"All right, Mother." Momma shook her head helplessly and followed Grandma Jana into Daddy's office. What had Momma told her about the divorce and remarriage to get her so excited? I wondered.

"Close the door behind you," Grandma Jana commanded as Momma entered Daddy's office. Momma closed it but not properly, and it snapped open enough for me to hear their voices. I glanced up the stairway as Clarence came down, wiping his face. He smiled at me and then went off. There was no one left in the entry hall. I couldn't help my curiosity. I sat on the Colonial bench that was just to the left of Daddy's office doorway, pretending I was waiting for them to come out.

"Now what is all this about Cleave not loving you?" Grandma Jana began. "You weren't worried about that when I got him to marry you quickly in Texas. You were damned lucky to find someone so well off who wanted you."

"You know I was never happy about this marriage, Mother. You know I never loved Cleave and never could." I couldn't believe my ears. Never loved Daddy? Never could? But the story . . . the dazzling stars . . Cinderella . . .

"Never could?" Grandma spit. "I suppose you would have been happier now if I let you marry that worthless Chester Godwin after he had gotten you pregnant, huh? You could love him, I suppose. The two of you could be in a nice shack in shantytown and Leigh could be running around in rags.